//------------------------------// // I get by with a little help from my friends: Pinkie // Story: The Sexual (mis)adventures of Twilight and Trixie // by RarityEQM //------------------------------// The sun was shining, the sky was blue, and pegasi zipped this way and that around the lovely little town of Ponyville. Twilight Sparkle, however, felt as if the whole world was bathed in the awkward darkness that was her sexuality. She had found, often, that sitting in the park, and taking in the town around her helped clear her head when she had a problem, but today it just seemed to make things that much worse. It was a beautiful spring day, and all around her, couples seemed to be enjoying themselves. Lyra and Bonbon sitting awkwardly on a nearby bench. Vinyl Scratch and Octavia meandering along the flower laden paths and Cranky Doodle Donkey, making out with Matilda. Twilight balked. That was an amazing amount of tongue for a donkey. She sighed once again and shifted her position, looking over the letter Princess Celestia had sent Via Derpy. Dear Twilight Sparkle I am always glad to hear from my faithful student, and I am ever humbled that you continue to seek out my council, but for this particular problem, I would recommend consorting with your friends for advice. I myself am not much for the relationship scene, my last date being Discord, and that was...complicated. Very complicated. Very very very complicated. As you know our personal letters are to remain private. -Your faithful teacher, Celestia Twilight read the letter, then re-read it again. Then a third time just to make sure, before giving a sigh. This sex thing was more complicated than advanced magic theories and principals. She really liked Trixie, as odd as it felt to think that, and she was sure Trixie liked her, but every time they tried to show it, anything and everything that could go wrong, did go wrong. Stupid Murphy. "Ugh...this is stupid. I just need...I need a pony that is sophisticated. A pony that knows her way around a bedroom. A pony that could teach me the ins and outs of romance...I need..." Twilight mumbled to herself, before Pinkie Pie leaned in from somewhere behind her and screamed. "RAINBOW DASH! Is it Rainbow Dash? It's Rainbow Dash isn't it?! Oh, oh, oh, wait, is it Spitfire? Oh, I know! It's Bulk Biceps isn't it?! What are we playing?!" Pinkie squealed. Twilight's fur heckled in alarm, and she gave a groan. No. No not Pinkie. Of all the ponies that could have stumbled upon her. It was as if Murphy had it out for her specifically... "Err...i, it's not a game Pinkie, I have a...um...It's just...it's something silly, so don't-" Twilight started, but Pinkie hopped into her lap and gave a squeal. "I LOVE silly things! OH, oh, oh, is it a pineapple that's under the sea? Thats pretty silly! OH, how about wars over religion!? That's super silly! Wait, I know, the Republican party!!" Pinkie screamed. Ponies were starting to glance over, and Twilight felt a terrible pressure to silence Pinkie. With Piano wire. "P, Pinkie. I'm just having some...um...relationship issues. " Twilight sighed. She regretted it. She regretted it the moment the words left her lips. She immediately regretted the decision. "Oh? Is that all! Well, Twilight all you need to do is say the word and they'll be swimming with the fishies in no time." Pinkie said firmly. Twilight frowned. "Sleeping with th- Pinkie, Its not that kind of problem, and I'd really rather not talk about it in pub-" Twilight began, but Pinkie was a terrible power once unleashed, and Twilight had blown the doors wide open. "Did you forget his birthday, your anniversary, the first song you two ever danced too? OH! HE forgot YOUR birthday, that no good rotten freaking low-down dirty BUM! Don't worry Twilight, I'll throw you a "forgot-your-birthday-surprise party!" Oh, no, SHOOT, I just told you it was a surprise party! Ok, no problem, I'll just set up another, "After-forgot-your-birthday-surprise-party" So you won't know about THAT one! SHOOT, WAIT-" Twilight groaned. "P, Pinkie it's nothing like that, and it-" Twilight started, but Pinkie was racing around in circles now. "OH, did he HIT you?! TWILIGHT! You don't DESERVE that kind of relationship! That isn't healthy at all, and if you need a pony to talk to I-" Pinkie squealed. Twilight's head was going to explode. "Pinkie that's not it at-" Twilight tried. Pinkie nodded. "OH! IT'S SEX!!! IT'S SEX ISN'T IT?! YOU'RE HAVING PROBLEMS WITH SEX?! ARE YOU FRIGID?! I don't know what that means but Mr. Cake says that a lot in his room sometimes when he's wrestling with Ms Cake. DO YOU KNOW HOW TO WORK YOUR HOO-HAA?!" Pinkie screamed. Twilight's face resembled a boiled lobster. "Pinkie! Quiet, it isn't ...I mean that's not...it isn't a he, it's-" Twilight didn't know why that was important to say. She just didn't want Pinkie getting the wrong idea, although, in retrospect, that might have been the better alternative. "OOOOOOOOOOH You're a Filly Fooler! Hehehehehee *Snort* I didn't know that, but it's totally ok, because sometimes I think I'm a Filly Fooler too! I call those days Saturdays! Wait, is it Trixie? You've been hanging out with her an awful lot lately! She's a super meanie pants sometimes, but maybe thats just on the outside? Oh, Twilight I'm so happy you two are getting along! But your not getting along are you? You're having sexual prob-" It wasn't that Twilight TRIED to teleport Pinkie into the sun. It just sort of happened. It also didn't work. Instead of the blissful, awkward silence of an empty park with Pinkie Pie somewhere near 400,0000 million degrees, Twilight found herself, suddenly, sitting on her bed with Pinkie Pie laying on the floor, giggling wildly. She suddenly, to Twilight's surprise, shot up into a sitting position and stared into space. "Hmmmm seems to me the solution for this is a party!" Pinkie squealed cheerfully. Twilight's ears flattened against her skull. "Thats your answer for everything." Twilight sighed, but Pinkie was already bouncing on her rump in small circles around Twilight, shrieking loudly. "YEAH! I'll start making the invitations! We'll have balloons, and cake, and streamers, and cake, and punch, and cake, and sex!" giggled Pinkie. "OK. I'm preeeeeetty sure I don't want a sex party." Twilight whimpered. Pinkie grinned broadly. "How do you know unless you try it?!" She giggled. Twilight frowned. "I'm...I'm sure. I am one hundred percent sure on this. Pinkie. Do not throw me a sex party." Twilight said flatly. Pinkie was eating a balloon she'd gotten from somewhere. "Did you know a sex party is called an orgy?! We can invite all of our friends! Rainbow Dash, Mr Spirits, from the liquor shop, Button Mash, Pound Cake, Pumpkin Cake, ooooh all the cakes, Fluttershy, Rarity, Scootaloo... " Pinkie squeaked, rattling off more and more names. Twilight wildly shook her head. "What?! Scoota- Pinkie, NO!" Twilight growled. Pinkie frowned. "Just because you don't know how to use your hoo-haa, doesn't mean we have to exclude ponies, Twilight! A party is for everyone!" Pinkie explained. "A sex party is NOT for everyone, Pinkie!" Twilight snapped. Pinkie stared. "I never pegged you as an elitist, Twilight. Fine, who do YOU want on the guest list. I'll make two sets of invitations. One that reads "Twilight has chosen YOU to come to her sex carnival, and the OTHER set will be "Twilight has NOT chosen you to come to her orgy since she doesn't like you, and doesn't want to be your friend anymore." Pinkie sniffled. Twilight balked. "What? No, Pinkie, I'm not excluding anypon-" Twilight whimpered. Pinkie's grin doubled in size and lopped the top part of her head off. Twilight screamed. "OH, Twilight! I knew it! I KNEW you weren't a meanie mean pants! You don't even WEAR pants! Heheheehahahaha, this is gonna be the best sex party EVER! We'll have party hats, and games, and balloons, and inflatable sheep, and-" "Pinkie, NO! We're not going to have any of those things!" Twilight barked. Pinkie frowned. "B, but what will Sweetie-Belle and the rest of the foals do while we have our orgy....unless....you want them to join in? Twilight!" Pinkie shrieked. Twilight just stared. "No, Pinkie, I don't wa-" "Alright, we'll have two rooms then. One for the fillies and foals, the other for all the grown up ponies! Oooh, that's a brilliant idea Twilight! Now EVERYPONY can learn about having orgasms and sex and not being a bitch! Not just you! You're so thoughtful!" Pinkie giggled. "...This can't be happening." Twilight sighed. Pinkie was spinning around in circles, mumbling to herself. "We can have THEMED games, like pin the tongue on the-" She said before Twilight stuffed a hoof into her mouth. "Pinkie. Pinkie I need you to listen to me very, very carefully. Do not, under any circumstance, throw me a sex party. Do not throw me an orgy. Do not throw me a SURPRISE sex party. Do not throw me a SURPRISE orgy. If you choose to ignore everything I just said to you, do NOT under any circumstance, invite foals, fillies or colts to your surprise sex party. I do not want a sex party. Do you understand? Please tell me you understand. I REALLY need to you understand. This is super important Pinkie, because I do not want to go to jail." Twilight begged. Pinkie peered at Twilight before her lips slowly twisted into a grin, and she gave Twilight a salute. "Ahhhh, gotcha! Heehehehehe, ok, Twilight you're the boss!" Pinkie beamed. Twilight narrowed her eyes. "What do you mean 'gotcha'? Gotcha, as in "I'm not going to throw Twilight Sparkle a sex party, right?" Twilight asked cautiously. Pinkie giggled and winked. "Riiiiight. No parties. I gotcha." She grinned. Twilight frowned. "Pinkie? Pinkie no. No parties. No parties, no orgies, no brew-ha-ha's, no shin-digs, no sock-hops, no merry-making, no bashes, no nothing! Understand?" Twilight snarled. Pinkie was staring into space. "...Ooooo we can use condoms instead of balloons...can you make balloon animals out of condoms? ....I'm sorry, Twilight, what were you saying, I was thinking about...um....NOT....throwing you...a ...sex party- Heeeey, whats this?!" Pinkie asked, bouncing up to the giant penis in the middle of the room. "PINKIE! NO! DON'T TOUCH THAT!!" Twilight screamed- but it was too late. Before Twilight knew it, the penis struck again, blasting Pinkie Pie with a powerful torrent of ...liquid... that sent her flying through the window. "P...Pinkie Pie? Pinkie Pie are you ok?" Twilight whimpered, looking through the splattered bay windows and out over the balcony. "...I think landed on my keys..." Came a withered voice from down below. Twilight winced. "You don't have keys, Pinkie Pie." Twilight explained. There was a long few seconds of silence, before the voice rose up again. "Oh. Then you should probably call a doctor." Whimpered the voice. Twilight sighed quietly. This sex thing was getting more and more complicated by the minute...