//------------------------------// // FOOLS! // Story: Celestia and Luna go and find Excalibur // by BronyPony78 //------------------------------// One long, hour long trek later, with much grumbling and complaints from Luna, the royal alicorn sisters arrived at a 50-foot tall waterfall, with what seemed to be a cave at the top. "Are we there yet now?" groaned Luna for just about the four-hundredth time. "Actually, we are here," said Celestia in a patient tone, barley concealing her frustration. "Huzzah, let us go forth then!" exclaimed a newly energized Luna, not paying attention and galloping straight into the cliff wall. "Lulu, it would probably be easier to fly over the cliff that into it," Celestia said with a giggle, slightly feeling that this was pay back from her incessant griping the entire way here. "Thou shall stop talking to thyself with that unsavory level of sarcasm now, Tia," Luna threatened, more that a little annoyed that Celestia was amused by her blunder. "Of course Luna dear, now lets get going, the sword is up in that cave up there, it shouldn't be much longer after that," So they two alicorn sisters spread their wings and glided over the waterfall to find a truly spectacular sight. It was a cave with blue walls and pillars. As they traveled further down the pristine river inside the cave, the blue turned into yellow, and beautiful stalactites spiraled down from the ceiling, and just as inspiring stalagmites pointed up through the glistening waters. They continued on for several more minutes, only to encounter a strange being. It was bipedal and it was only about 6 inches tall and flew around with gossamer wings made out of seems to be morning dew. It was dressed in a white dress and hat, with holes in it for the creature's antenna. Celestia and Luna just stared at the creature for a second, they had seen nothing like it before. The strange life-form stared back with equal intensity. "Hi!' it suddenly greeted it just about the highest voice known to ponykind. "Ummmm.....Hello?" squeaked a some-what shocked Celestia "Do you know if the Holy Sword Excalibur is here? Are we going the right way?" Suddenly the fairy made a very strange reaction. Instead of answering Celestia's questions, she squinted her eyes, and scrunched up her face in a sneer of absolute and total anguish, disgust, and disdain. the intriguing creature merely flew away after that show of interesting behavior. "What the buck was that Tia?" implored a confused Luna "I believe that we have just witnessed what is called a 'fairy'. There are only a few texts about analyze this ancient and magical race, however, still is undiscovered and unknown about this mysterious species" replied Celestia, quickly getting over her shock, "Although why it made that facial expression, I honestly have no idea about," "Well as thou said Tia, maybe it is just a strange quirk, or in their respective culture it is considered a greeting, or otherwise," responded Luna. "But never mind that, let us move forward!" she shouted as she raced onward. After a few more minutes of rushing through the river cave, Luna instantaneously found herself in a huge circular chamber, with a huge stone uplift in the middle of the room. There it was. Mounted right into a pedestal on top of the uplift, the Holy Sword Excalibur stood in all of its epic glory. At this point, Celestia had finally caught up to Luna, and was panting as she pleaded, "Please.....Luna........slow.....down....im ...winded.....," Celestia looked at Luna's face to see that she was soaking in the eminence of the sword. "Its.....................................beautiful," Luna said simply. The two slowly approached the pedestal, with every step, sensing more and more magic in the air. As they neared the sword, they nodded at each other. Both took one handle on either side of the blade with their hooves and pulled it up. Suddenly a masculine voice boomed. "Welcome to my cave young ones!" it shouted as the sword lifted its self out the the flabbergasted alicorn's hooves and was enveloped in a blinding ball of light. It was so bright that Luna, and even Celesta had to look away and cove their eyes in fear of blowing out their retinas. When the light faded, there stood a peculiar.......thing. It was only two feet tall, had slender arms and legs, with feet like a rabbit's, and was completely white. It had big, bulbous eyes, a prominent upturn nose. It wore a white top hat almost as tall as the creature itself with a cane. It also sported a matching vest with a frill, though it wore a disturbing lack of pants. This bizarre combination made it appear to be a failed arts and crafts project. "How in-in-incredibly.................," Luna stammered as she tried to find the perfect word, finally deciding on "lame!" "Hello, young ones, may I inquire your names?" it implored. "Oh" Celestia, uttered a quick gasp of surprise, but not wanting to be rude stated, "I am Celestia, and this is-" "FOOL! My legend dates all the way back to the 12th century. That was very a long time ago," interrupted the strange thing as it waved it's cane straight at Celestia's face. "I am Excalibur, the ancient Holy Sword, compared to me, you are nothing," "Why did thou ask our names if you-" Luna tried to exclaim, but to no avail. "FOOL! Where did you come from?" Excalibur asked as he pointed its cane at Luna. "We came from Canter-" Celestia started. "I know that already. Tell me, what is your favorite number between 1 and 12?" Put off by the extremely off-topic question, the alicorn sisters just stared at him before answering "Mine is 12," replied the white alicorn. "And mine is 1," added the dark blue alicorn "Who are you to choose a number? My legend dates back to the 12th century," and for good measure, he added, "fools". Luna was starting to get really annoyed by this thing. "I don't think I'm a fool, mister, I'll have you know I am an immortal princess an I-" "FOOL! You have no need for that exclusive information," Once again changing topic at the speed of light he asked, "Do you know what this hat is?" Celestia, who while was getting fed-up like Luna, found it more hilarious than annoying, replied "While it looks to be of excellent 11th century craftsmanship, if that's what you are getting at," "FOOL! If you don't know I'll inform you. The taller the chef's hat, the greater the chef!" He said as he struck a little pose. "So thou art saying thou is an esteemed chef?" "Who ever said I was a chef?" At this, Luna collapsed in a fit of annoyance, and said without emotion, "Tia, you deal with him for a while, I need a break from this cane-waving freak," As Celestia turned back to Excalibur, he was humming to himself. As soon as Celestia attempted to open her mouth to say something, she received a face full of cane. "FOOL! This is the first provision of 1,000, provision #58, don't talk to me while I am humming to myself," "Sorry, I wasn't aware of that," replied a wary Celestia, expecting at any second for him to shout 'fool' again. "Would you like to hear the tale of me?" "Yes please, knowing your history will help when-" "FOOL!" was all he said this time. Excalibur just stood there for a minute, and then started walking very slowly to the other side of the island, stood there for a second, then walk back just as slowly. "And thus this brings me to provision #679, always keep at dehumidifier in your room," "But that was completely unrelated to-" "FOOL!" as he once again thrust his cane into Celestia's face. Celestia just facehoofed, she understood that she walked right into that one. She was seriously considering joining Luna on the floor. "My days begin at the cafe with a cup of coffee with cream. My afternoons begin at the cafe with a cup of hot tea. In the evenings, I change into my pajamas," "Okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay," said Celestia nervously, anticipating the awful cane. "Thus provision #778, Never mail your mail without a return address and proper postage," "And don't call collect," he added threateningly. "Here, have this," as he handed Celestia at huge stack of double-sided papers, and putting another stack next to the quivering form of Luna. "This is a complete list of the 1,000 provisions, and don't forget provision #452, the daily 5-hour story telling party, for this is the most important provision of all," At this point Luna finally regained her sanity enough to stand up and asked Excalibur "If we do follow there provisions, how exactly will you benefit us?" "As a gesture of respect for your interest and inquiry, I shall sing you a song," "Bu-bu-bu-but-" Luna stuttered as she immediately regretted getting off the floor. "FOOL! You don't have the power to deny a singer his song," So he began. Excalibur~! Excalibur~! From the United K! I'm looking for heaven! I'm going to California~! Excalibur~! Excalibur~! This was the breaking point. Both Luna and Celestia looked at each other, nodded, and used their alicorn magic to force Excalibur into sword form, and shoved him back into he pedestal, and started to walk away. "Wait, wait, where are you going? Don't you want the fame and glory?" "Forget it, your not worth it," said a recovering Luna. "No, don't go! I can change the 1,000 provisions down to 800! As long as we keep the story-telling party!" He pleaded, but the sisters walked away without a glance back. When they started to near the exit, the again bumped into the fairy. "So, did you find the Holy Sword Excalibur?" it inquired. Celestia and Luna didn't respond but just made this face: "They meet him alright," sighed the fairy to it's self in it's excruciatingly high voice as it watched the two royal alicorn sisters fly away, never to speak of this adventure again.