“I thought I told you to stay back at the truck.” The ponies watched with eyes that, to me, appeared to express complete lack of understanding.
“Trixie was asleep when you gave that command.” Was she trying to stroke my ego? Seriously, how was my suggestion a command?
“No you weren't, you were wide awake.” Trixie's eyes widened a bit, before she regained her composure. There was no way she would act stupid now, she was trying to make up for her misbehavior from Boast Busters.
“Surely a noble warrior such as yourself would take a fair magician's word?” Yep, definitely stroking my ego. Flattery gets one nowhere when it comes to me, I am a wall of indifference when it comes to compliments. Wait, that's wrong, getting a compliment that I haven't earned pisses me off to no extent.
“Can somepony please explain what's going on here?” I have never heard Twilight so annoyed, wait, nevermind, I have. She was scientifically minded, and I have no doubt she would see the truth of my predicament, I’m certain she could even offer some assistance. That is, if Jay hasn't poisoned her against me.
“Listen, it's a long story, I'm sure the details would bore you.” Twilight gave me a look that said eat shit. At least, that's how I read it.
“If Princess Celestia allows it, we have plenty of time.” Twilight looked to Celestia for confirmation, looking bashful about her previous forwardness. To her relief, the Solar Princess nodded.
“Yes, Taylor, I'm interested in hearing your side of the story.” Did she know Jay lied to her? Seems likely, but I can't really come out and ask, now can I?
“The Great and Powerful Trixie will not be ignored!” I liked her better when she was unconscious.
“Can I think for one second?” I had raised my voice for that, probably a bad idea. I've been in Equestria for what, like eight hours? How do things fly this far south in that little time? Oh yeah, they'd found Jay first, asshole ruins everything for me.
“Why is nopony paying attention to Trixie?” The showmare kept looking at me, giving a slight jerk of her head, towards the edge of town.
“We'll deal with you after we're through with this varmint.” Did Jay piss Applejack off? Oh, that's cute, she thinks she can act tough around me. I think I was chuckling a bit, because the farmer started glaring at me. “Sumthin' funny?” Where the hell did this attitude come from?
“I'm just laughing because it seems your coltfriend has filled your head with lies about me.” The look on her face, oh god, now that is what I call a Kodak moment. “Relax, I'm yanking your chain.” That got a hidden smile from Celestia, two looks of confused aggression, and Fluttershy trying to conceal her slight grin with a hoof. “You mad?”
“I'm not... mad, really.” My pancreas almost shut down, how could Jay even lie about me wanting to hurt any of the Elements? They're too damn cute to kill. Why did Fluttershy think I was talking to her? Not that I wouldn't, but it was directed to Applejack.
“Yer right Ah'm mad, Jay here said ya were tryin' ta kill one of us, and yer jus' standin' there, jokin' around?”
“Are you complaining about Trixie's guardian angel not killing you?” Now Trixie has gone from ego stroking, being annoying, to giving the other ponies more questions. Thanks, and nice centerfold, by the way.
“Before any of you ask, I'll explain later.”
“He pummeled a manticore into submission, and the beast gave Trixie to him as tribute!” The showmare tried to do her famous cape flourish, only to yelp in pain and fall on her ass. Was she trying to get me in deeper shit? Because Fluttershy looked horrified at the thought of me tanning some manticore hide.
“Trixie, get the facts straight, I stabbed it.” That's when everypony looked just as shocked as the Element of Kindness, save Celestia. She's starting to grow on me, she gives the same amount of fucks as me. “Is it that much of a surprise?” I shook the knife for emphasis.
“Will somepony start making sense?” I haven't seen Twilight so frazzled since Swarm of the Century. Ha, I’m causing the egghead confusion, and I take to much pleasure form that.
“Ow...” Well, what do you know, Jay's alive! “What hit me?”
“I think that was a tire iron.” Now it was my turn to wonder what was going on. Celestia knew what a tire iron was? There's more going on here than I had originally believed.
“How did you know that?” I cocked my head to the side and slightly raised one of my lower eyelids. The Princess seemed to recognize the gesture, she blinked a few times, the smiled sagely.
“I took a guess, was I right?” She lied straight through her wavy mane, and now I knew the Alicorn had met humans before. Sometimes denying information just gives more away, and that must have been her intention.
“Where did the tire iron come from?” Jay was trying to stand, and I barely resisted the urge to send him back to the ground with a fist. I doubt the stallions ready to pounce me would appreciate that.
“The box under my truck's seat, probably.” I said that like I was discussing the weather. Jay finally rose to his feet, wobbling, but still up. He clutched the side of his head, there was a large, red stain, most likely blood. I think Trixie gave him a concussion, nice shot, little pony. The flutist looked at the showmare, well, in the direction the offending metal rod had come from, anyway.
“How do you know Trixie?”
“Jay, doesn't a nap sound really nice right about now?” Twilight looked worried, and angry, about my statement.
“Don't you know sleeping with a head injury is dangerous?” Now the bookworm gets an attitude, really intimidating.
“That's why I recommended the nap.” In my defense, Jay is a traitor that deserves to die, like all who betray the trust of others. I have now managed to destroy any possibility of Twilight having a positive opinion of me.
“Relax, we joke like that all the time, right buddy?” Jay stumbled drunkenly towards me. He put his hand on my shoulder, trying to be friendly. “Now, we can get started.”
“Jay, get that hand off me, now.” It's not like I hate being touched, I just hate being touched in a condescending way.
“Aw, come on, man, don't be like that.” Jay smiled, and winced in pain, as he squeezed my shoulder.
“Trixie would take her hoof off him if she were you.” Did that phrase even make sense in the third person?
“Listen to the Unicorn, Jay.” I shot my fellow teen a dirty look. “I wrecked a mutant lion's shit earlier.”
“You did that? Dude that's awesome.” Jay grinned like a moron. I was struck with a realization at that moment.
“We need to get you to a hospital don't we?” In response, Jay nodded.
“Probably, why are your eyes bleeding?” That was the last thing he could say. It's hard to speak with your face on the ground, not like I caught him when he fainted. Fluttershy, acting as her usual self, rushed to his aid. “Why does this grass taste like human blood?”
“He need a doctor?” I aimed the query at the yellow Pegasus, hoping for an informed response.
“Y-yes.” She flinched when I spoke, I can't say I blame her, I’m a big dude with a bloody knife. Even I'd be a little squeamish about hanging around Camp Crystal Lake's infamous psychopath.
“I don't suppose we can interrogate me at the hospital, can we?”
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Well, my vacation ends tomorrow, so I won't be busy until Monday!