Twilight stared.
Trixie's smile was bright and dazzling as it always was, gloriously shimmering and unapologetically wide.
Twilight stared.
It wasn't so much the statue of the penis in and of itself that upset Twilight, but the fact that Trixie felt the need to summon one directly into the bedroom of the library.
Twilight stared. In fact, she couldn't stop. It was like some horrible train wreck, only it was a giant penis in the middle of her bedroom.
"Ta-da! The great and powerful Trixie has done it again! Yes, yes, no need to thank Trixie, except with smooches, hee hee. What do you think, Twilight? Trixie read that erotic pieces of art can put ponies 'in the mood!' Trixie is sure we shall have no trouble getting the kissu kissu now!" Squeaked the blue pony. Twilight bit her lower lip.
"Go on, be honest!" Said Trixie. Twilight slowly nodded her head.
"Well...um....honest....OK...Ok this, and everything about this, is inherently troubling to me," said Twilight slowly. "Where did you even FIND a statue like this?" She whimpered.
"Fountain." Corrected Trixie. Twilight gave a visible shudder. Ok. So The penis was also a fountain, so there was that too. Twilight REALLY hoped it was water that shot from the tip, but...no. No. She didn't actually want to know what would come out of it.
"F-fountain. Yes...Where do you FIND a fountain like this?" Whimpered Twilight. Trixie beamed.
"Traders Exchange!" She exclaimed. Twilight slowly nodded her head.
"What did you trade for a giant penis fountain? ...Actually...actually no. No don't answer that. PLEASE don't answer that." Twilight squeaked.
Trixie grinned and stepped around the side of the fountain and nudged Twilight towards the bed, who blushed and giggled nervously. Even with the giant ...thing...in the middle of the room- Trixie still made her feel giddy and silly, like a filly. She leaned back onto the covers and gave Trixie a bashful grin.
"I've been reading too...let me...try something." She whispered. It had been a few days after their last attempt, and after a thorough examination from Nurse Red heart, and receiving treatment for the concussion she suffered trying to kiss Trixie, Twilight vowed she would not, could NOT allow that to happen again. Three days later, and an extensive tour of the libraries XXX section (She didn't even know they HAD an XXX section, but according to Spike, it was in the basement, two aisles to the left) Twilight was prepared to give it another try. Trixie wouldn't know what hit her!
Twilight leaned in slowly and watched as Trixie froze immediately. Tense and nervous- she was adorable, but Twilight was ready to take control of the situation this time. No more cold hooves! She'd saved the world before- how hard could sex be?
"Hold still..." Twilight whispered in her practiced, sexy whisper, slowly wriggling her tongue into Trixie's ear- who squealed and flailed the moment she felt the wet appendage wriggle in.
"NNnghhh!!! That feels alllllll kinds of wrong," whined Trixie with a shriek of disgust. Twilight winced, splaying her ears against her head at Trixie's vibrant objection to her latest attempt at intimacy.
"W-was that sexy? Are you aroused? Let me try this!" Twilight exclaimed, leaning forward to bite Trixie on the ear. She read that was supposed to be hot. Trixie screamed. Twilight frowned.
"D-did I do something wrong? Are you hot for me? Um...your blood tastes....good?" Twilight whimpered. The book said ear nibbling and tongue along the rim was supposed to be arousing, so ear biting, and the tongue IN the ear, should, in theory, double the effect! However, upon closer inspection, Trixie did not seem to be aroused.
"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!" Trixie snarled, grabbing the closest thing she could - Twilight's pillow- to wedge into her ear and hopefully stop the bleeding. Twilight whimpered quietly, instantly apologetic.
"I-I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I didn't mean to bite that hard! The book said-"Twilight began, but Trixie cut her off, holding up a hoof with a groan.
"Never read from that book again! "Trixie huffed. Twilight nodded, mentally adding "Intercourse for Dummies" to her list of books never to read from again, next to the Necronomicon, and 'The Da Vinci Code.' Still, Twilight had a secret weapon up her proverbial sleeve. She grinned quietly and leaned back on the bed.
"Well, I was afraid this might happen, but I have a backup plan." Twilight said slowly. Trixie frowned.
"You were afraid you were going to bite me? Is this a reoccurring problem for you? Biting ponies? Because Trixie is pretty sure that makes you a psychopath." Trixie grumbled. Twilight rolled her eyes and wiggled her hips, her horn starting to flicker as she prepared her spell. In a bright flash of purple, Twilight found herself grinning- and her head filling with a language she'd read was the 'language of love'
"Hohohoh, zis iz, how you say, so hot, yes?" Asked Twilight, flashing Trixie an alluring smile. Trixie frowned.
"...You...you cast a spell to make yourself sound like Pepe Le Pew?" Asked Trixie. Twilight sighed.
"Non non, mon petite cheri! I 'ave cast ze spell to speak ze language of Prance! It is tres romantic, is it not? Come here, let me, teach you ze art of love, oui?" Twilight murred, leaning in to nuzzle against Trixie's ear tenderly.
"S'il vous plaît. Laissez-moi vous lécher le sexe cabinet..." Moaned Twilight in the silky language of Prance. Trixie bit her lower lip. She didn't quite understand what Twilight was saying, but she felt vaguely threatened.
"Err...Trixie...um...can't ...can't really understand you, and-"
"Twilight?! I'm home!" Called a cheerful voice from downstairs. Spike. That was Spike. Spike was in the house. Spike was NOT supposed to be in the house. Spike was SUPPOSED to be at a comic book signing. This presented a challenge.
"[[QUICKLY! REMOVE THE PENIS FROM THE ROOM! REMOVE THE PENIS!!]]" Screamed Twilight, but all that came out of her mouth was " RAPIDEMENT ! Retirer le pénis de la chambre ! Retirer le pénis !!"
"What are you saying?! Trixie can't understand you!" Trixie hissed. Twilight wildly flailed her arms, pointing at the statue, hoping Trixie would get the message. Trixie's eyes widened.
"The fountain? On it!" Trixie exclaimed, her horn turning bright blue with magic, as did the giant erect phallus. From it's tip, launched a surging torrent of clearish ( For the love of Celestia, please let that be water) liquid that caught Spike in the face as he hopped up the stairs and sent him sprawling back down with a sound Twilight had never heard before from a baby dragon. It sounded like a vacuum cleaner mixed with unbridled terror, crossed with a lawn mower. Somehow, deep down inside- Twilight knew Spike would never again be the same. Slowly, she turned to Trixie, who stood staring at the stairway where Spike took a penis to the face.
"Ohmycelestia, is he dead?!" Trixie squealed. Twilight gave a pained groan. She was almost positive she was doing this 'sex' thing all wrong, at this point. Even after all the reading she'd been doing...How could something that was supposed to feel so good, go so horribly, horribly wrong? She was almost at her wits end...and realized...slowly...there was only one thing left to do...
The fountain gave a spurt.
It was evening when the letter arrived, delivered by a cross eyed mail mare. Princess Celestia had been winding down for the day, and the stars and moon were shining high in the sky. She beamed at letter, although curious as it was sent via post instead of the magical connection held by Spike, it was still a lovely little reminder that her favorite student thought of her.
Dear Princess Celestia.
As you know, I have been studying the magic of friendship, and have recently ventured into the world of relationships. This has been a rich tapestry of horrors that I fear I may never recover from. Spike is...no longer functional, at the moment, so please forgive the arrival of this letter. Also, I'm sorry that it is sticky. There has been an incident with the fountain that has taken up residence in my home. We have discovered not to taunt it, nor look directly at it, but it still manages to surprise us from time to time.
I am writing you this letter requesting assistance with my assignment, and perhaps, advice. Please give me advice. Please. Perhaps a study guide, or maybe some crib notes? I'm not picky at this point, and I am fairly certain relationships should not produce the kind of nightmares I've been having.
In other news, Spike is making good progress with his therapy, and the doctor says he might even start talking this week. I hope you are doing well.
Your Faithful student; Twilight Sparkle.