The life and times of Xante, Baron of the Frozen Wastelands, First among Liches, Lord of the Dead, and Fabulous Rainbow Magic User.

by Ssendam the Masked


Move along, move along

I stretched out. After the day's adventures, all I really wanted was to think by myself. And think about my crimes. I remembered the fire in Auric's eyes as he'd talked to me. He never raised his voice, just told me, in a calm, matter-of-fact voice that I should not forget who I was or what I'd done. He'd shown me the pain of three million people as they'd died.

The pain had shot through me, tearing me apart on the inside. Yet, when I thought it couldn't get any worse, I saw what the good people fought for. What I'd never really understood. I saw images of smiling children, a safe home for family, all that sort of thing.

I'd guessed most of what the good fought for, and of course I empathised with them. Rule 2 of being a successful villain: never underestimate the power of friendship. After all, if that hero is capable of beating those other liches of incredible power with his friends, then why should he not be capable of beating you? That was why, as soon as I heard 'friendship,' I typically just opened a hell portal and let the demons deal with them. It wasn't summoning- nobody has much respect for a summoner.

Yet I really, truly understood what being good was about. Mostly, it was safety for your loved ones and your country. Before meeting Auric, I would have known what those things were from a purely logical point, but now, I really felt them. Well, except for the family part. One thing we learned is, if you want to be able to sleep easy at night, then you loved your family and treated them right, so that they would do the same.

I poked the mirror, reworking it slightly. I improved the range, and observed Auric with a smile. Then, I closed the window. "Well, master Auric. A very good night to you. Now..." I frowned in determination. "Let's see where you're at, Merchant." The mirror spun out, refocusing on several random quadrants of the multiverse. I was going to find him with a simple strafe search- not enough for him to know that he'd been found, but enough so that I could catch him.

It was then that a free-floating plane wandered into my line of sight. I frowned. A free floating plane was never good news. For those who don't understand the basics of the multiverse, a free-floating plane is what happens when a bunch of like-minded people across universes want something to happen. A couple have occurred naturally- the Faery plane, Heaven and Hell, Valhalla- all of them are free-floating. But then you also have the morons who create The Lost Keys and Socks dimension, which just empties excess cargo into The Void. And the plane that I prefer to know as Drug Hallucinations.

Regardless, this plane felt like it promised pain and misery and general self-loathing. However, it did threaten to encroach on this reality if left unchecked. I quickly scribbled a note down and left it. Then, with a deep breath, I walked through the mirror, into this new plane.

As soon as I got out, I noticed the fog that swept over everything like a blanket. "Nice weather you have here in..." I noticed that there was a sign. I read it. "...in SIlent Hill." What kind of a name for a mysterious, eldritch location is that? Regardless, it didn't hold much fear for me. I walked in, bold as you like, to confront whatever horror had decided to drive his personal plane here.

????

Not everyday you see someone walk in your plane of existence. As soon as there was a disturbance, she send me out to see who or what had entered Silent Hill. What I saw, however, was one of the most ridiculous things I had ever seen. A wizard is what he looked like, big pointy hat, black robes, reminded me of Big Hat Logan.  

Regardless, she gave strict orders, confront the one who invaded. She was protecting me, no one has ever invaded Silent Hill before, so whoever this was, was a strong magic user. ...But now that I’m actually looking at him… I’m starting to have my doubts that this guy is the one who invaded and not some poor sap who was sucked into Limbo…

Xante

I absently strolled through, noting that this place was steadily changing its appearance. I checked the soil beneath my feet. Black, and kind of flaky. Also, was it getting slightly hotter?
“Volcanic ash. Hm.” I pondered this. The very environment was changing itself. Either this entire plane was alive or…

“Oh, that’s genius. This entire plane is configuring itself to my fears. Very cute. Neat little trick you’ve going on here, enough to impress somebody who doesn’t know any magic. I’m mildly interested, but that’s it.” I cracked my knuckles.
“Alright, come on out, wherever you are.” I doubted that my challenge would actually do anything, but whatever else had happened, it was better than anything I would have done.

Maybe whoever was here didn’t like swearing. I cleared my throat and pulled out the nastiest swearword in the eldritch tongue I knew.

“Z̞̺̹͕͚̭̿ͦ̆̅̓̒̀ͅa͖͎͉ͫͥͬ̚ͅͅ-̮̪̣̲̄ͭ̀ͫ̐̄́c̷̝r̼̘͉͚̜͌͐a̵c̵̤͓̣̰̰̎͐̇̆ͯ̓h̫̻͔̰ͦ̽ó͗̊n̲̺̰̎̽ͯ̆â̭̗͖̜̘̜̣k͚̰̤̱̾͗̈̎t͓̖̬̮̮͇̣̔̿͜o̶̰̭̞͕͉̭ͦͯ!̜̀ͦ̑̋ͩ” If something didn’t respond to a swearword so racist and sexist that merely saying it could cause a seizure in the listener, I didn’t know what would. I’d only learned the word so that I could get rid of annoying spirits, and use it in the presence of the merchant. The word had so many intricaties it couldn’t really be translated into mere English, but it meant something like ‘nigger spic yellow whore incestuous pussy-shit fucking cunt.’ And that was the mildest it got.

F̴͚̘a̢̲̺̟̪̬ ̯̣̲D͇͈̼͈̞̝̳͞u̙̫͖͎̹͔̬m̱̠̠̘ͅͅ ̧̖̞̼̪̦̩A̟L͚͍͚͍̼ͅT̰̰͖̹͘R͍̭͕̠͘Y̮̗͇͇̥I̤̟̩̙̦C͔̹Ḫ̶̭͚!̻̤͍ͅ

I clapped appreciatively. “That was nasty! K̡̙̯̱ḁ̳͎͝ͅl̸̪̱͍-͚͎̩̺͎e̯̪̬̱͇͔̻h̰̙͈̱̙k̘o̘d̘̥̟̮r̫o̯͖̳͇͘n̵̝o!̡̟͔͉͎ͅ” I had just uttered the ultimate insult to one’s mother that could reasonably be produced by an undead tongue.

S͚̣̫̫̳͖̪̟h̝͕e̶̱̥̲̯l̜͝ ̛̜̤̰͎̺̤̦̺̕M̴͍̼̹è̲̼͉̳̭̬ų̹̗͔͜ ͏̴̤̞͖͕ͅT̢̨̮ͅw̷͖̩̣̹̟͙̠e̷̜̗̱͎̲ͅ ͎̭̠͡G̷͖̣͈u̧͖̞̜̳͔̪̖̙͡.͓͇͟.̲͉̮̘͙͎͍͓̟̀.͓̥̕ Why was I here?

I put my hands on my hips. “Why am I here? H͕̣̰͔͞e̟̰w̥̘̙̳̟͔͖e̺̱̰͔̻͟r҉̫̫͖t̩ ͏͍̫̮N͓o̞s͖̹͚k̸̲̻ol̶͈͔ș̷̰͉k̦i̘̮̜̣͉̥͙ '̶̬̻̬̪̫̪͕X̭̙͉̘̟̠͖́a̧̱͔͓̖n̗̞̰̝͎̘țͅe̮ ̣̫̣B͝i̫̞̖̺̱̦f͈̩̼r͈̺̹͈͈̞͠o̗̬̣̯̝̹s̪̜̫̥̙͔t͠'̹̩̮̝ ̠̫͎̭͠d̦͍̬̪͎ḁ̼̟͉t̢͈̘͙r̩̮̠͓̜̣̝q̠̤͘u̳̜͕̣̻͚͔͡a̻.̳̀ ̫͎̖̯X̪̠͖͞an̹̰g̯̥̗̖t̰͖̳͇̀o̧͙͕͙̯̤̺p̳ ̺̰̪v҉ọ͖̪̩̫͍͈͞r͕̦͚͈t̷͙̯͙̥ỵ̶̺͔-͇͕̮̱͢ͅwh͓͚͖̤̘̀ͅyx̼̫̱y̴̬͙̦͚̹” q͎͟.

I am Xante the Bifrost, and I would like to speak with the gods about my fate.

“The Gods are… occupied… But you are unwelcomed here… Xante...”

I frowned. “Is that so? If that’s the case, I want to speak with you personally, cut a deal sort of thing. You get me into whatever thing the gods are doing, and I won’t destroy most of this dimension. Okay? Because I will. I have… experienced repentance, and I would like to conduct a civil conversation with the gods. If that’s quite alright with you.”  I felt a phantom pressure on my shoulders suddenly… I whipped around and I saw this… thing, staring back at me… I think? It didn’t help that it had a big pyramid for a head!

How annoying. I simply pointed a hand at it. “Prismatic Spray.” Rule 3 of being a successful villain: always shoot first. The resulting rainbow of colour hit this man’s centre, staggering him slightly. “No, I only make deals with the organ grinder.”

“Hahahahaha…. You seem to have… misjudged me… after all… Isn’t this yours?” He picked up my… arm… I quickly looked down at my shoulder and sure enough, my arm was gone.

I frowned. Rainbow light burst up around the wound, pulling my arm back into my grasp. “Thank god you didn’t tear the silk. Would have been bad otherwise. Epic level spell: Bifrost Bolt.” Rule 4 of being a successful villain: if the first hit doesn’t work, hit them with one of your most powerful spells- in this case, a lump of rainbow ice travelling at the speed of sound.

The resulting explosion was enough to knock it back. I quickly strolled away, opening my keener senses. As soon as it tried to get in close, I quickly slipped and gripped its huge arm. Frost spread from my hand, promising him severe frostbite if I didn’t let up. “You care about this one, right? Well, talk to me face to face and your monkey gets to keep his arm.” The sound of an air-raid siren suddenly burst from the sky causing Metal Head to tense. He quickly pulled me off of him and as I turned I saw him… bowing?

His blade was sunken in the ground and he was kneeling towards the church building.

“How delightful that you have acquiesced to my request.” I felt the presence in the church as much as Metal Head evidently did. With a thought, I started charging up power. Rule 1 of dealing with gods: always operate in terms of pure strength. The church hall doors suddenly burst open, but yet no one was in sight. Slowly I opted to look around, but the sound of thin metal twangs caught my attention.

I saw a hospital being carried out by loads of barbed wire and being brought out to the square where Metal Head and me stood. As the bed came into closer proximity, I began smelling the scent of burnt flesh.
“Well, hello there. You know who I am, otherwise you wouldn’t have sent your brute to take care of matters. Nice little scheme you’ve got going on here, though.” I jerked a thumb at him. “He’s the ‘face’ of the operation, the ‘bouncer.’ He deals with the problems you can’t be bothered with, while you, the ‘manager’ can swan off in Hawaii.”

“You dare mock my Mistress?!”

“Daddy… that’s enough…”

I looked between the burnt woman on the bed and the huge, hulking monstrosity. “Thank you for your input, mr Metal Head, but I was talking to the lady.” I turned to her and spoke in a gentle tone.
“You know why I could be here. I just want to talk to the gods for a bit regarding my unfortunate fate. And I do apologise for endangering him. I didn’t know you had that sort of relationship.”

“...As he has informed you, the Gods are occupied. As for why I sent him after you, is because that is his job if you will. Not only is he the King of Fear and Terror, but he also my Protector, and my father as well…”

I smiled. “Well, the gods can’t be that occupied. Tell them that the Bifrost is here, and he wants to parley.” I directed a chilling look towards Metal Head. “And another thing, I hate to do this, but if you don’t, then I shall use Rainbow Requiem on him.”

“...Do you honestly think that any sort of magic can harm him? Regardless of who you are, Silent Hill will make your greatest fears come into a reality, and the best part is that you can’t run away from them! Not only is he the medium between here and Equestria, but he is also the Judge, Jury, and Executioner!”

I snorted. “I call the bluff. Epic Level Spell: Rainbow Requiem.” The beam of rainbow light lit up over Metal Head, and after a second… it fired.

The explosion of rainbow light tore through the ground, barely avoiding us. Metal Head screamed in agony as its energies tore through him. When the light show was over, black blood poured from his wounds, and he actually seemed shocked. “I’d say this is your big fear, the one all children face. Their protector, being destroyed. Rainbow Requiem is a spell that I invented that is fueled by hope. Your move. But it’s already checkmate.”

Metal Head suddenly burst out laughing. “HAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! You honestly think that affected me!? My wounds are all fake, SILENT HILL IS MAKING SURE YOU WILL SUFFER!! HAHAHAHAHHAHA!” He suddenly vanished in the fog.

I shrugged. “Works for me. By the by, I meant what I said about it being checkmate. Epic Level Spell: Rainbow Guard.” My shield sprang up around me, protecting me from his sword swing.
“Rainbow Requiem leaves a trace on all those it ever hits. I know precisely where you are, Metal Head. And I don’t fear you if I know where you are. And you look kind of funny.” I burst out laughing at the sight of him. I couldn’t help it! Big metal head, large sword… he was comical if you saw him in the right light.

He chuckled again, the fog seemed to bury him and it quickly dispersed. “You are not the only one who has spells of his own…” He threw out his fist and made a large circle with it. At first I sensed nothing until I saw him readying his blade from the distance he was at.

Naturally, I ran away. Whatever he’d done, he was pretty confident if he thought he could tear through my shield, and if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that when your opponent acts confident or says something like that, you head for the hills. Silent HIll. Heh. I started laughing again. SIlent Hill was a hilarious name! It sounded like a retirement home.

A pain suddenly burst in my chest and I looked to see his blade sticking out of my chest. I looked back at him who was still in the same spot only… half of his blade was missing.

“Can’t go through it, go through the master instead.”

“Neat trick, teleporting your blade into me. However, you HAVE torn my robe, which is annoying. Spidersilk is very hard to repair, I’ll send you the bill.” I absently fingered the wound. Huh, fairly clean, I’ll have an easy time healing this wound. He suddenly pulled down on his blade splitting me down the middle. ...I stand corrected on that last statement. I frowned at him. “Now you’re just being an ass. It’ll take me about a minute to heal from this, you know.”  He laughed again… Ya’know I’m really starting to hate that laugh.

“No, you are a Lich. The only way to beat a Lich, is to dismember it, one piece by piece and make sure that on in never in the spot.”

I frowned. “Evidently you have never heard of healing spells. Speaking of…” I pulled myself back together again, only the torn bits of robe indicating that I’d ever been injured. His little temporal trick was pretty neat I’ll give him that, but my robe… That was too far. “Epic Level Spell: Rainbow Requiem.”  Metal Head looked up, but no column of light appeared.

I grinned. “Can’t go through it, go through the master instead.” I always enjoyed that. “Rainbow Requiem strikes everything I deem ‘enemy’ within a one mile radius. Even if incorpreal. I think you should go to her, she isn’t as… durable as you are.”

“Then you must really underestimate the power of Alessa…” He suddenly made another portal within himself and Rainbow Requiem went off outside of his chest… Damn, he’s a clever little monkey.

“Good move.” I then clicked my fingers. “Oh no, the fear is making me suicidal.” I deadpanned. I clicked my fingers as blue circles manifested. “Epic Level Suicide Spell: Ymir.” The gigantic lump of ice that appeared overhead was large enough to blanket most of this dimension.

“Hmm…”

“Your move.” I sat down and waited.

“Yes… my move indeed…” An ultimate fire burst into the sky… and I couldn’t believe my eyes… The fire was melting the ice… In all my days…

...I’d never seen somebody take the bait like that. “That’s impressive. But what about the second?” With that, Ymir’s second half appeared, smashing the first lump of still melting ice downwards. I grinned as the behemoth approached at an increasing speed.

“Bye bye, Babylon.”

“As I have said before you have underestimated my darling Alessa… Her fire is strong enough to make Hell look enjoyable. And if you think your spell will have an affect on her, you have bargained more than what you can handle.”

I smiled. “I will admit, you’re not seeing the problem. Where’s the water going?” Droplets of boiling water dripped from the gigantic ice mountain. With that, I clicked my fingers once again.
“The pathways have been cleared, I have caused a goddess to focus, and I finally have enough Bifrost magic built up to unleash the most powerful Bifrost spell. Epic Level Suicide Spell: Bifrost Ymir.” With that, I was spent. But the gigantic lump of rainbow ice, easily double the size of the previous one, crashing through the heavens was incredible. The fire licked it, but Bifrost Ymir was tempered of unmelting ice, that the gods themselves used as roads.

“You’re insane…” He clicked his fingers and everything went white. The fog… it’s teleporting capabilities… No… fucking… way… The fog gathered around the entirety of the dimension and whisked away so that I was only left in The Void…

With a Bifrost Ymir over my head… perfect.

I waved cheekily. “Thanks for nothing! By the by, ice is pretty reflective, eh?” With that, runes appeared on the surface as I cancelled the second half of the spell. More power flowed through me, and as it was about to hit, I stepped back to my Equestria.

As soon as I’d entered and encountered, the goal had been escape. Acting up, even when I was told that the gods were busy was merely me trying to force an exit. I’d never thought that I would need to use Bifrost Ymir, but it was worth it all to escape.

As soon as I was back from a harrowing adventure, I walked upstairs and greeted Twilight. “Afternoon.”

Pyramid Head

“King of Fear and Terror? I had no idea you thought that highly of me…”

“Please, that was for intimidations sake… Although that Lich was different…”

“Is he one of them?”

“Yes, Father… he is… He doesn’t know it, but he is part of the Circle of Draks…”

It was then that I heard something on my helmet. “Good mythical morning to you, miss Alessa! You’re probably wondering how I’m doing this. Well, I’ve been buffing his helmet with magic, enough for a portal spell to come through. Pretty smart of me, eh?”  I laughed out long and hearty. Smartest thing that fool has ever done. Rainbow Nipples… I’ll never figure that one out though.

“He doesn’t know at all does he?” Alessa said he charred form disappearing. I shook my head and laughed again.

Yep, I could tell we would get along like fire and ice.

“Well, darn it. By the by… don’t mess with my portal spell. Quite volatile, that. Plus, it was a rush job. I was hoping to get in close, and just when you were going to get me, I would have touched your helmet and disappeared. But seriously, don’t mess with it. It’s primed to tear your head into the Void if you do.”

“Then my mistress will make me a new one. It’s how it has worked for over a thousand some-odd years.”

I clicked my fingers again, my left hand every time, and suddenly I was a human again. Xante reacted strangely to that, I think, judging from the clatter in the background.

“How did you do that?”

“What, turn back human… When I’m in states of Solace and Affinity, I turn human… at least that how I was told.”
“By who?!”

“Alessa… why?”

He sighed and rubbed his temples. “Well, mr, I had hoped to find… a certain being. I don’t often fight gods, but when I do, I pull out all the stops. I’m searching for a Denizen of the Void, a shady character I think of as The Merchant. You’re likely one of his victims. Did you ever buy anything from a rather shady merchant that would send you to Silent HIll? If so, then you’ve met him.”

I stared at the ground for some time before I perked up my head. Come to think about it… “Yeah, I know A merchant. He gave me this ring, on me finger…”

“Ah. Well, toodles. My portal is getting a bit unstable.” With that, he disappeared from sight and mind. Hmmm… Maybe I should invite him over for crabcakes…

Nah.