Of course, the Equestrian Civil War’s exact starting date is still questioned by many. Some consider it starting immediately after the Crystal War, some with the signing of the Luna Bill, and some with Luna’s first announcement to the ponies of Equestria of her dark intentions. But no matter the trigger, all can agree that the war undoubtedly started with Celestia’s first hoofstep back on Equestria after her long absence. It is here where a problem regarding this era unfolds. As there is little information and sources that have not been hidden or altered by Celestia regarding this era (after all, Nightmare Moon was relegated to legend and forgotten like her not-so-bad predecessors before her, Sombra and Discord), there is great difficulty in finding enough sources. I mean, supposedly after Luna’s “redemption”, these sources were de-classified and revealed to the public (probably to remind the majority of the ponies who and why a random new pony princess appeared after a thousand years of absence; the legend of Nightmare Night notwithstanding), but those sources had more than ample time to get “re-truthinated” by Celestia. It’s a shame that the Crystal libraries weren’t able to cover this period of history.
It seems that the sources regarding Luna’s fall are easy enough to find, but when it comes down to the nitty gritty details of the Equestrian Civil War, the darkest chapter in Equestrian history, the sources seem to be curiously absent. Of course, secret records and actual recollections of the war have been maintained for tenured historians who have earned the right to truly delve into the ancient Equestrian archives. But unfortunately, under Celestia’s foul logic, I am neither tenured, nor a historian (again, by the Equestrian definition of the term only; I am more of a historian than most of those other hacks). So I had Crazy Larry go on a racist tirade in the middle of the building (not that he needed much provocation, and that’s just one of the reasons I love him so) and act as a distraction while I snuck in through the back window and ransacked the place myself. Note I didn’t use the word, “stole”. ‘Cause it’s only stealing if you have no intention of giving it back.[162] And I totally will after this essay. If it wasn’t for the fact, that, ya know, I don’t want to.
So with all that boring methodology stuff out of the way (the things my prof makes me do, yeesh), let’s get back to Celestia’s return, or as it’s officially cited in one of the recently declassified resources, “the holy return of our loving all-mother”.[163] Do you see why I went to all the trouble now? If you think I’ll spend the rest of the chapter calling Celestia such a stupid name, I can recommend a great hammer for you to bash your useless bits of brain out.
Nearing the Eastern coast of Equestria, Celestia must have felt there was something wrong. The Nightmare Forces were said to have “emitted a foul and evil aura”[164] from whence they went, and for a (false) alicorn as herself, their presence must have alerted Celestia to immediate danger. But while fear certainly shot through the princess’ heart, it was not one regarding her own wellbeing, but one of the welfare of her nation and her sister.[165] Celestia pressed forth with her limited forces, and arrived on Equestria, greeted with a warm welcome. And by warm welcome, I of course mean the first battle of the war, the Battle of Peleannor Beach. But I’m sure it was warm nonetheless; the weather was reportedly fair (given of course, the fact that the weather was as it usually was, shrouded in eternal night), but the gushing blood of slaughtered ponies were sure to be lukewarm.
Or at least it would have been, if it was not for Celestia’s shielding spell. Goddamnit Celestia, can’t you do anything right? All Celestia had to do was push through the bulk of the Nightmare forces' attacks and escape into the interior mainland, all-the-while shielding herself and her guards.[166] For any other unicorn, to pull off such a maneuver would be quite taxing on their magical power,[167] and with the power of these Nightmare Forces well-known, to shield against what must have been a full fighting force of blasts was highly impressive within itself. But in my opinion, congratulating a higher level unicorn (with an extra alicorn power boost mind you) for such a feat is akin to congratulating an earth pony’s defecation. It’s what’s expected of you.
In reports from her surviving guards once the war was won, it was said that she “never stopped for a second, pushing ardently forward against the raging tide of magic blasts on that beach of Horseshoe Bay. We stood in awe of her magnificence, and did whatever we could to contribute in fighting those twisted creatures. We were able to flee into a forest and lose their trail.”[168]
I can’t help but laugh out loud. So I will illustrate so right now. Hah! So Celestia’s first battle of the war…ended up in her defeat? Sure, historians say it couldn’t be classified as a defeat, as she was unprepared and ignorant of the war itself, yet she still managed to overcome the Nightmare forces core objective; preventing her and her guards’ survival and entrance into the innards of Equestria. But let’s not play damage control, guys. You all know the truth and are just afraid to say it. She sucked the big one. But then again, it wouldn’t be the first time. She was born a unicorn after all.
Revisionist historians (of the more recent sources released, in the Civil War revisionist movement from 2011 on) argue that Celestia’s decisions here may have actually been a part of Luna’s ploy all along,[170] as we shall see later on. And hey, who am I to argue. Whatever makes Celestia’s defeat all the tastier is welcome in my books. It’s quite literally welcome; I’m typing it out right now.
Anywho, what Celestia needed now was intelligence. But that’s something she needed regardless. She was in an unfamiliar situation, ignorant of what had just transpired, except for the fact that something EVILL! was lurking in the heart of Equestria. After taking brief refuge in the forests of the Hayseed Swamps, they made their way to the nearest town, the small settlement of Saddleworth.[171]
It is at this moment in which one should discuss Luna’s strategies. Of course, if she wanted to absolutely crush Celestia’s sparse forces, she could have focused all of her military power on the Eastern front of Equestria. However, she couldn’t make it too hard for Celestia to re-enter. Luna of course must have realized the small flames of hope flickering in the shadows, and the whispers of Celestia’s eventual return in the dark. And I mean literal whispers in the dark; keep in mind the eternal night thing was still a big factor. In accordance to the ploy that I had mentioned earlier, Luna came up of a way to finally crush the last semblances of hope in the minds of the Equestrian citizens. And as such, while she built up a significant defensive perimeter around Peleannor beach, it is possible that Celestia’s eventual entrance into the nation was all part of her cunning, and might I add intelligent, plan. While many lesser historians (relative to me of course) argue that Luna could not have possessed such a level of foresight, and that she subscribed to a more pragmatic way of thinking (is that a magazine or something?)[172]; there is evidence to support the former. When observing a few of the maps I had obtained from the hidden archives of the library, it is clear that the bulk of Luna’s forces lied in Western and Central Equestria[173]; a curious oddity given that it would be certain that Celestia would return from the East. This, along with the fact that besides the forces stationed at the Eastern beaches, there was a noticeable difference in number of patrolling forces in the Eastern towns,[174] can all be cited as evidence for this ploy of Luna’s, a ploy whose full extent I shall explain in the next chapter. Or maybe Luna was finally enlightened to the clear supremacy of the earth pony, and as such, trusted them with more breathing room than the rest of Equestria.
Well, anyways, even with Celestia’s limited forces, she was still able to reach the town of Saddleworth relatively unchallenged, where she was immediately greeted by the “overjoyed Earth pony population”.[175] As it says in the records, “with Celestia’s arrival, she had returned the light of the sun to the town, and by extension, Equestria, which had been suffering so long in the dark.”[176] Ignoring the clear fabrications from the words, “overjoyed” and “suffering”, it seems that even the source agrees that Celestia was foolish, excessively stupid, and a terrible leader. After all, if Celestia’s first instinct to greeting a town which had adapted to two years of eternal night and darkness, was to shine her stupid magical sunlight in their face, I think the multiple cases of permanent eye damage alone would speak loads about Celestia’s supposed wisdom. The most certain sudden influx of blind ponies in Saddleworth aside, Celestia eventually learned of what had transpired in her absence. And oh golly oh my, I wish I could see the look on her face. For now I suppose, I’ll have to make do with this source.
“I took it upon myself to inform our princess of the great injustices that had occurred in her absence. The changes in the military, the lives we were forced to lead, and more importantly, just what happened to Equestria and her sister. It broke my heart just telling her.
I was not privileged to see her many times, but everypony knew of the love she had for her nation and its citizens. We may have saw her as a ruler, but she truly did see us all as her family. And the thought of her not being able to protect everypony from such suffering must have been extremely painful. Especially with the knowledge that the pain came from the one remaining member of her true family, who was now her enemy.
As I told her this, I saw for a moment, her mighty image break. During my explanation, her knees began to shake, her eyes welled up with tears. Yet she did not cry or sob. Rather she looked lost, as if everything she knew, everything she loved and protected were now gone, and she knew not what to do. A look of helplessness I saw one too many times in the past few years. And the fact that it came from our beloved princess tore my heart further in two.
But it was only for an instant. Not once did she fall to her knees or breakdown, like any ruler, no, any pony who received such devastating news would do. The entire village gathered around our princess during this, but only I was close enough to see. She had closed her eyes for a single moment. I saw her lips murmur something to herself, but I was unable to hear what. I knew that the words were not meant for me. But after that, it seemed to steady her. And it was what she did next that moved me to my very core.
She spoke, in a shaking but strong voice. Her words would forever be carved into my memory.
‘I am sorry for this.'
There was a brief moment of silence, as the weight of her words sunk in.
'I am sorry for my sister. I am sorry for your suffering. I am sorry I was deaf to your cries. I could apologize a thousand times, but it would not be enough to earn your forgiveness for what my foolishness had allowed to transpire here.
I know…I know I cannot make it up. These lost years. The loss of trust and hope. But I will work, until my hooves are cracked and bleeding, until I can stand no more, I will work until this nation stands as righteous as it should.’
She turned her head slightly, as if she could not look us in the eyes.
‘That’s what I would like to say,’ she admitted in a look of pain, ‘That’s what I’d like to do. If I could fix all of this by myself, if I could revert all of your suffering I would. If I could…’
She stopped once more. She turned back to face us.
‘If I could carry all of these sins, all of your suffering, on my shoulders I would. I know that this is my burden to bear. And I know that I should, no, I must, face this on my own. I’ve always touted my strength, I’ve ruled above you. And it was because I was strong. And I wish I could say I was strong now, but,’
She looked away again, as she took deep breaths in. She calmed herself once more, and turned and ensured that as she spoke, she met everypony’s gaze.
‘I’m not.’ She said such a thing with great resolve, but with great sadness as well.
It was a truth that we all knew, but we never wanted to hear her say. She was our princess, we had relied on her for so long, perhaps selfishly. We always thought, in our ignorance, that she would pull through. That she would hold the weight of the world in one hoof, and still be able to protect all of us with the other. But deep down, we knew. We knew that that was too much for anypony, even a goddess like herself, to bear.
It pained her to admit this, we knew this to be true, be she kept pushing on.
‘But I wish I was.'
'I wish I could say I was strong enough to restore this nation with my own power. But I’m not.’ She repeated this truth again, but she did not look away this time.
She slowly continued, with gradual, but shaking strength in her voice.
‘I need a chance to speak with my sister. Face to face. And I promise that I’ll set everything right by then, with my own two hooves. But right now,’
She stopped herself once more. What she did next would be forever remembered in history. I had seen many a thing in all my life. But this, this! Tears started to well up in my eyes.
Celestia bowed down, her long, white legs bending at the knee. With her front hooves firmly implanted into the dark brown soil, and her beautiful, lustrous mane falling to the mud, she bent down. The entire length of her majestic horn pressed against the ground as she dirtied her forehead against the soil. It was a deep bow, no, a full prostration. A goddess like her, kneeling herself before us.
‘Your grace.’ I breathlessly whispered. I think we all did. Celestia continued on, despite her humbling position.
‘But now, I’m afraid. I’m afraid I don’t have the strength. I know this is my sin to bear, I know I’ve been a fool. But as your immortal goddess, ruler of the skies and sun, as Princess Celestia, I am, truly sorry. I’m sorry I let you down, I’m sorry I made you suffer for so long. I know I’ve asked so much from you already. And your forgiveness and trust, I dare not ask for it again.’
As she continued, she not once looked back up, but continued to bow before us. Her breathing became deeper and intense, and although we could not see her face, we knew she was in tears herself. But we were sure that such a pain was nothing compared to the pain in her heart.
‘But I must ask you all for one more thing. It's the last thing I ask for.’ She took one last moment to gather herself, but her composure and tone of voice never once deviated, and neither did her stance.
'Help me.' she breathed.
For a moment, we had thought that our ears had deceived us. But, in truth we all knew what she had said the moment it left her lips.
‘Help me take back our nation.'
We still stood frozen, taken aback by this sudden sequence of events. None of us were expecting any of this, to be suddenly freed, for our loving princess to appear, for her to get on her knees and humble herself to request such a thing. I would imagine we needed time to process all of this.
Celestia stayed unmoving, but, perhaps, sensing our confusion, or in her need to press on, she continued to speak.
'I don’t ask you this as your goddess, or your ruler, or as an order,' taking her time to say these things with clarity, pausing between each statement.
'I ask you this,' she continued on, with rising determination in her voice, 'as a simple pony.
One who’s made a terrible mistake and just wants one more chance to make things right.
So please.
Help me.’
The entire crowd remained motionless, frozen even, trying to decide what to do. We were mostly just standing there in shock in what had just transpired. But Celestia remained there, still in her bow.
One pony in particular, a childhood friend of mine, approached her. The remaining few royal guards initially made a motion, but they were smart enough to realize there was no threat. Celestia still prostrating on her knees looked at him, with tears still in her eyes.
She slowly stood up to meet his gaze. He looked at her, no, he looked straight into her eyes, as if she was an old friend. I was first startled by his brashness, I had known him to be a quiet pony, one who lived in a small apple orchard, with his wife and foal of two years of age. A quiet pony living a quiet life, taking solace in the simple joys of life. He simply looked into her eyes, with a solemn look on his face.
Eyes filled with emotion, eyes filled with understanding. In that one quiet moment, he had said all that we wanted to say to her. All that needed to be said. He handed her a kerchief, one he had tied around his neck since he was a foal, and she smiled, drying her eyes with it as if it was a great gift.
At that moment another pony moved forward to meet her gaze. And another. And another. And before I knew it, I had stepped forward too. The entire crowd eventually stood there, by her side. Every pony I had seen in the village, from the smallest of fillies, to the oldest of mares, stood there, silent, with an unwavering gaze of loyalty and strength. ‘Thank you.’ Celestia said, as she kept wiping her eyes, ‘thank you.’
From that moment on, we entered a campaign of war. And in every moment of battle, as I looked upon our ruler, small but significant against those plates of golden and bronze, on the royal armor that Celestia adorned as she led us into battle, not once could she be seen without that very same cloth tied around her neck. It was a plain piece of fabric, red in color, tattered and worn. But she wore it with pride, and stood tall with it, as if it was bound to her very soul. As significant to her as the crown that forever rested on her head. From what I know, he was one of the many ponies felled in our struggles against the Nightmare. And though he, along with the others who fell, may fade from the scrolls of parchment we call history, I knew in truth they would never be forgotten.”[177]
Wow, okay. Pretentious much? Let me get this straight. First, Celestia steals some poor sap’s kerchief and just keeps it. Excessive taxation at its worst. But that would explain Celestia’s recent economic plans I suppose. And second, to the pony writing the damn source, ya know, his name wouldn’t be forgotten if you simply wrote it down. Didn’t you say you were his childhood friend? “Ooh, I’m so important that I’m gonna write a biography of all the really important stuff I did, like stare blindly as this one pony motivated everypony in the village. But write his name down? That would require too much effort. But be sure to plaster my name across the cover, cuz even though he’ll be forgotten by history, doesn’t mean I have to!”
Dick.
Historians still quote this speech as one of the most memorable of all time, and cite it as a demonstration of Celestia’s humility and humble spirit. I personally feel that the speech was just a crock of shit, but whatever.
Continuing on from Mr. Pretention here,
“From the fields of Mustangia, on the plains of Damarescus, on the streets of Baltimare, we fought. From Bridelington to Hoofington, we fought, not for glory, but for purpose. For hope of returning to a better time. To a brighter future. We may have been mismatched, our enemies tremendous and strength and skill, but with Celestia, it seemed that those things did not matter. The strength of our wills kept us going. And it was our strength that allowed us to win battle after battle, and let the sun return to village after village.
For every village we captured, Celestia would always make another speech on hope and triumph. And although the words were familiar, they felt different each time. As if we were not stuck in the past, but moving forward. Every time I heard that speech, I thought back to where we were back then, and where we were now. Celestia, slowly but surely, was helping us take our wonderful nation back into our own hooves. And every time I heard those words again, I felt their eternal truth resonate in my heart. I would think back to the time I first heard the speech. Not in all the years of darkness did I think this swelling feeling of hope would ever be felt again in my life. In a few words, words surely to be carved upon the stone tablets of history to be remembered across generations, she had turned the darkest dawn into the beginning of a new day. And with utmost certainty, every time the speech was made, all of the ponies in the village, we included, steadfastly stood by her side, not once hesitating, but standing proud beside our ruler.
And we knew, that as the sun rose, nearby villages, and perhaps all of Equestria were able to, for a moment, see the beauty of the sun’s light. And see that not all hope had vanished. See that not all was lost, that there were still ponies, brave and unwavering in their dedication they were willing to lay down their lives for the good of Equestria. Before, we were afraid to fight back. But now, now we were no longer afraid. How could we be? Our Solar Reclamation had begun.”[178]
Hmph. Whatever. Returning back to the stone-cold objective standpoint of history, this movement of recapturing cities was known as the “Solar Restoration”. Not Reclamation. Sure, some called it that too, but I found they were usually the more idiotic of the bunch.
Getting to military strategy here, at first, it seemed that the ponies had used early guerrilla tactics to distract and divide their enemies, before performing an all-out assault in the Nightmare’s moment of weakness to recapture occupied villages.[179] The earth ponies did not hold true weapons, often using sharpened farm tools and hastily-made spears to attack the dark spectres of evil. But the power of the sun, and the few magic guards certainly made a difference when it came to power. While early attacks may had been a struggle, as the Celestial forces racked more and more victories, their army began to grow greatly in size and number as more and more joined her cause, until eventually recapturing villages became a cinch.[180]
Those who were strong enough to fight joined Celestia’s forces, while those who were too young, sickly, or old stayed behind in the villages.[181] In an effort to deter a possible recapturing by Nightmare forces, Celestia, when returning the sunlight to those regions, cast a small protective barrier to be maintained by the sun’s power.[182] As more and more villages began to stack up, they probably took quite a strain on the princess. But she maintained she was the only one who could cast it, and that “[she] would protect all of the weak ponies of Equestria with her own power”, and that “it was the least that she could do”.[183] Well, isn’t she inconsiderate. If babies can fight, let them fight. No need for such discrimination here, Celestia. I thought you were trying to break down racial barriers before, and now you’re setting up the tenants for ageist behaviors? What a hippo crate. A literal squared square with the probable weight of a hippo.
Anyways, now that all that necessary historical background/exposition spewing stuff is over, I can finally present some of my more revisionist theories. Such as a curious inaccuracy in history, one that a healthy dose of Loose Change logic™ is sure to fix.
What’s the deal[184] with Celestia’s army? As those crappy sources had said, it was because of the (paraphrasing here) “triumph of the will”,[185] or what have you, that Celestia’s army grew to such a number. That was just the cover story though, as several glaring errors throughout these claims call the validity of this information into question. After all, as noted in many an Equestrian Civil War source, there have been accounts of an abundance of unicorns fighting alongside the earth pony army as well.[186]
But this is impossible; there were only 3-4 unicorns from Celestia’s royal guard who could’ve been fighting. Taking into consideration that these skirmishes took place on the Eastern front of Equestria, any captured regions would mostly contain only Earth pony populations, with respect to the demographic geography of the area. So why do so many sources list a major unicorn contribution to these early battles?
Sure, I can pin the blame on some more unicorn alterations in history to make their race look better and more loyal in the eyes of history, but I think I beat the “history alteration” horse to death already. Like I’d like to do to all unicorns.
Wishful thinking aside, I do suspect a more sinister explanation for this occurrence. An occurrence that can of course, be explained through our good ol’ friend, anecdotal evidence. More specifically, legends I heard from my grandmother.
As most Earth pony elders know, there lies the existence of a mirror pool in Equestria. Where “the brambles are thickest…[and] beyond the most twisted of vines”, it is in there which a “mirror pool” can be found.[187] And that is precisely the explanation for this curious case. One is known to reside in the forest of the Everfree, and one might think that that is where the only place to find it would be. However, let me ask you this. Is the Everfree the only forest with brambles and vines? According to the very words of the legend, any forest with a region of thick brambles and twisted vines (compared to the other brambles and vines of that forest) could hide a mirror pool.
While I had not yet found a mirror pool to support this theory of mine (heck, I haven’t even found the mirror pool in the Everfree yet), it would make sense that Celestia too would know of such a legend’s existence. After all, she was the master of knowing about dark magic, especially considering how she was able to find the Elements of Harmony during the Age of Discord. And yes, the mirror pool can be classified as dark magic using my previous dark magic classification system.
Can it be explained? Or more importantly, can it be explained so that I understand it? If no: dark magic!
So Celestia, despite the willing and brave hearts of us Earth ponies, decided to stick to her untrusting, racist self, and refused to fully trust the volunteering ponies. Of course, this is contrast to literally everything written in many a source,[188] but keep in mind this was something that she probably felt on the inside. She had the talent of maintaining appearances for her regime, so it fits just as well that she would have a talent for acting humble and grateful as well. And, despite our obvious superiority, I do find it difficult to believe that a ragtag squad of untrained earth ponies could recapture territories to the east from elite, albeit low in number, Nightmare forces, guerrilla tactics or not. Besides, she probably didn’t even get that many earth pony followers anyways. Ignoring the clear exaggerated hyperbole of the previous sources, she probably only got 3-4 volunteers realistically. Cuz as I said before, I know how we think. Us earth ponies are smart enough to see through her ploys (see Chapter 14, more specifically the earth pony/outhouse portion), and recognize which pony they should really worship. Hint, it’s not ol’ Sunbutt over there.
So, instead, Celestia clearly built her army to her liking by cloning them using the mirror pool. While these unicorn guards were not exactly part of the military, they were still well-trained volunteers who decided to dedicate their lives to protecting her majesty. As such, they did have proper combat training, and an extraordinary talent for magic.[189] Therefore, it would be obvious why she would choose her unicorns over the earth ponies. Because she’s racist.
Celestia, of course, needed more than just doubling her number of 3-4 guards. As such, the originals and the clones would continue to dive and dive into the pool, until quite an army was amassed. Of course, this meant that most of the unicorn army suffered from clone deterioration. Their skills and body intact, but their minds mostly warped to the point near retardation. Which is probably why they can only say “Stop right there, criminal scum!”[190] So yeah. Celestia’s raising an army through leadership, willpower, and hope? Nah, she just used clones. I mean, why else would her current army look like copypasta’d vectors with the same designs over and over again? It’s the only logical explanation out there. Okay, it’s the only explanation. But it fits, so suck it.
So as she conquered the East, and began building her army (made up of clones and 3-4 earth pony volunteers), she was ready to retake the rest of Equestria. As her forces moved into central Equestria, or as I like to call it, Prude Central, they moved towards Canterlot. And here’s where the fun keeps getting better. Next time! On Pony! War! Z!