Lunatic
Chapter 3 – But I don't wanna behave!
Arm was prancing through the streets of Ponyville, looking around for anything that would entertain him.
He noticed Big Mac carrying a large cart full of apples and got an idea.
Arm took a large pie from another of Pinkie's sample stands and shoved the whole thing into Big Mac's mouth. He quickly ran off and hid behind a corner while Big Mac swallowed the pie and tried to forget about what just happened.
As the stallion trotted along, Arm carefully and quietly removed the apples from the cart. Applejack met her brother at the stand where she sells apples. "You got them apples?" Applejack asked.
"Eeyup!" Big Mac said. Arm groaned and munched on one of the apples when he hear that stupid word again.
Applejack noticed that there was apples in the cart. "Then where are they?!
With the predictable logic of Equestria on his side, Arm snapped his fingers and, at that exact moment, the gasses in Big Mac's stomach reacted with the pie and caused the stallion to belch loudly.
Applejack gave a sour look at her brother. "What in the hay were you thinkin', brother?! That Ah wouldn't notice a dozen or more apples missin' from the cart that Ah filled mahself?!"
As Big Mac struggled to find an answer, Arm laughed his non-existing butt off as he finished off the last of the apples.
It was then that he noticed his next opportunity to cause some mischief. He grabbed a can of paint and ran up to a rack where Rarity held one of her newest dresses. He painted something on the back of it as she brought it into the Carousel Bouquet for one of her customers to try on.
"Sorry it took so long!" Rarity said. "I just had to put a few extra touches on this dress."
"I don't mind!" the mare said as she took the dress inside one of Rarity's dressing rooms. The Element of Generosity giggled to herself as she thought of how much she could make off of this new design.
"IS THIS SOME KIND OF JOKE?!" her customer yelled as she angrily walked out.
"Wh-what do you mean?!" Rarity asked.
"Don't pretend like you don't know what I'm talking about! I heard you laughing!"
"What?! No! I-"
Her customer angrily threw the dress to the ground and trotted out. "See if I ever buy a dress from you again!"
Rarity, bewildered, tried on the dress herself. She looked in the mirror to see the words "WIDE LOAD" painted in red on the butt of her dress. She screamed before fainting on the floor.
Arm laughed as he watched the whole thing through the window. As he started to prance away, he was stopped by the voice of Twilight Sparkle.
"Mr. Maggedon!" Twilight yelled as she approached the....thing.
"Well hello, your highness!" Arm said, taking a bow.
"You don't have to treat me like a princess, Mr. Maggedon."
"One, call me Arm. Two, I want to, and you can't tell me what to do."
"First off, fine, ARM. Secondly, we'll see about that. I need you to speak with some of us. Privately." Twilight tried to sound intimidating with that last word.
"Excellently portrayed!" Arm said after a short pause. He wrapped his arm around the alicorn and said to anyone around, "Let's all give her the Emmy this year! Eh? Right?!"
Using magic to teleport away from him, Twilight calmly said, "I need you to come with me, right now."
"Oh, Twilight!" Arm said. "As much as I would love to do that, I'm afraid you're not ready for-"
"NOW," Twilight said, using magic to drag Arm's lower half away.
"Hey hey hey!! Don't I have a right to martial privacy here?! A right to free speech?! ANYTHING?!"
Arm continued to complain as Twilight dragged him away.
-------Show Intro-------
Arm was brought to Twilight's library, where Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, and Pinkie Pie were all waiting.
When Twilight's magic stopped dragging Arm, he got up and yelled, "Oh no! Twilight, please tell me I'm not in some stereotypical slumber party story!!"
"I don't know what you're talking about," Twilight said, "but we have more important things to discuss. For instance, your behavior."
".....Yeah, and?" Arm asked.
"Well," we feel that, with the way you've been acting toward everypony lately, you've been...let's say-"
"A total jerk!!" Rainbow Dash yelled. "A complete and total jerk!"
"......So?" Arm asked.
"So you need tah clean up yer act, mister!" Applejack exclaimed.
"......So?" Arm asked again.
"You're a meanie, meanie, mean mean mean mean, meanie-" Pinkie started to say before Arm shut her jaw.
"If so much as one more syllable comes out of your mouth-" Arm began to say.
"This is what we mean, Arm!" Twilight said. "Messing with ponys' property-"
"PEOPLES' property," Arm interrupted.
"Calling ponies names and threatening them-"
"Calling PEOPLE names and threatening them-"
"WILL YOU STOP?!?!" Twilight yelled loudly. Her friend gave a surprised look at her as she cleared her throat. "And interrupting.....'people' constantly. I'd say that you're as bad as Discord when he misbehaves."
"Oh, nononononononononono," Arm said. "I am ten times better than that guy!"
"HOW are you better than Discord?" Rainbow Dash asked.
"First off, I didn't try to take over Equestria TWICE!"
"Twice?" Applejack asked.
"Once when he broke out and again with those weird black tentacles in the forrest."
"B-but that was AFTER he turned a new leaf," Fluttershy said, trying to defend her friend.
"Oh really? Then why is it he didn't bother to mention that he planted those seeds when he could have told you how to get rid of them in the first place?! Me: Two. Discord: ZE-RO."
"Wait," Twilight said, "How do you- ugh, it doesn't matter. What matters is how we're going to improve your behavior."
"And how do you plan to do that, Twilight?" Arm asked.
"We are going to have you spend time with a few of us so that you can learn to behave properly. You'll work with Applejack in the field, Fluttershy and her animals, and Pinkie in her bakery."
"Wait, then why is SHE here?" Arm asked, pointing to Rainbow Dash.
"'Cause I'd like to see the look on your face when we force you to do this."
"Wait, force?" Arm asked, "As in, against my will? RING RING! Hello? Thomas Jefferson speaking. Hey Tom! Can we get you over here to write these a Declaration of Independence? And maybe a Constitution and Bill of Rights while you're at it?"
"Arm," Twilight said.
"Sure thing, boy-o! Hope you have a lot of parchment paper over there!"
"ARM!" Twilight yelled. "Just, please try this out. It's for the better."
".......Fine," Arm said. The other mares cheered. "But I'm telling you," he said, "it won't change a thing!"
"We won't know until you try it," Twilight said.
Arm gave out a loud groan.
Later on, he was at Applejack's farm, where she took him towards the trees.
"Alright, Arm!" she said to him. "Mah thinkin' is, if you do some hard labor, it'll make you appreciate things better in yer life."
"Ah swear, gerl!" Arm said, mimicking her accent. "If yer accent gits anymore generic, John Wayne will have tah come down 'ere n' slap you upsahde th' 'ead!"
Applejack gave a confused and angry look at him. "What the hay is a John Wayne?"
"WHO the HECK is John Wayne," Arm corrected.
Both of them were silent for a moment.
"Anywhom," Applejack finally said, "we farm ponies work hard in the fields, and yer gonna know how it feels today!"
"So by hard work you mean just kicking trees continuously, probably killing some of it's cells, all to try to make apples fall on your heads like one did Isaac Newton?" Arm asked.
"What the hay is- UGH! Anyway, NO. Bucking is hard work! Look!"
Applejack went up to a tree, and with all her might she bucked, causing a few apples to fall.
"Now you try," Applejack ordered.
Arm walked up to the tree, then kicked it, causing the entire tree to fall over, pulling the stump out of the ground.
Applejack gaped in surprise. Shaking her head to regain her train of thought, she told him, "You don't kick the entire thing over, dummy!"
"Why not?" Arm asked. "Trees grow impossibly fast in this place anyway!"
Applejack groaned, then went up to another tree. "Try again, and don't kick the tree over!"
Arm did as she asked, causing the apples to fall on Applejack's head.
"And can you try not to have the apples hit mah hea-"
"NOTHING'S EVER GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU, IS IT?!" Arm yelled. He pulled the tree out of the ground and slammed it on Applejack. Don't worry, she's fine, as her head pops out of a hole in the tree.
Later on at the bakery, Pinkie Pie gave Arm an apron (which he didn't bother to put on).
"Okay, Arm!" Pinkie said. "Let's get started! But first! Do you know what makes me feel better when I'm feeling down?"
Arm didn't bother answering as he already knew the answer.
"PARTIES!! And do you know what parties can't go without?"
Arm didn't bother answering as he already knew the answer.
"PASTRIES!! And do you know how pastries are made?"
Arm didn't bo- oh, you get the point.
"BAKING!!! And that's what we're gonna do today!"
"....So your logic is that if I like baking, I'll like pastries, and if I like pastries, I'll like parties, and if I like parties, that'll somehow make me a better person?" Arm asked.
"Exactly!" Pinkie answered happily.
".....Repeat what I said so I know that you-."
"Now," Pinkie said, ignoring Arm, "baking is difficult! You have to test it and make observations and-"
"That's the scientific process," Arm said.
"Let's try making cupcakes! Baking cupcakes is a VERY tricky thing! First, you have to preheat the oven to 400 degrees-"
"No," Arm interrupted, "you preheat it to 350 degrees."
"Well, I preheat the oven to 400 so the cupcakes can bake faster! And everything is better when it's faster!"
"That's not always the case," Arm said.
"Sure it is!"
"I know a few industrial accidents that would disagree."
Pinkie went up to her counter and said, "Next, we line up all of our ingredients! We got 3 eggs, 2 cups of milk, 2-"
"No, we just need 2 eggs and 1 cup of milk," Arm said.
"Well, I do extra because more is always better!"
"That's not al-"
"MORE IS BETTER!!!" Pinkie yelled.
"Okay then, missy!!" Arm yelled. "I guess we need MORE milk! And MORE vanilla extract! And MORE eggs! And MORE white sugar! And MORE softened butter!! And MORE salt!! And MORE unsweetened cocoa powder!!! And MORE baking powder!!! And MORE baking soda! And even MORE all-purpose flour!!!!"
As Arm listed those ingredients, he poured them into Pinkie's mouth at a rapid rate. Pinkie burped loudly (her breath smelling like cupcakes), then passed out. Arm exited the room angrily.
Later on, Arm was with Fluttershy in her little bee orchard.
"Now, tending to bees is a tricky and slow process," Fluttershy said, quietly and slowly.
"I'm beginning to think that whatever ponies find difficult will be easy to me," Arm said.
"You have to let the bees out every once in a while so they can get fresh air. First, open up the cage."
".....I already know where this scene is going, so might as well do it," Arm said, doing as Fluttershy asked.
The bees gently floated out of the cage.
"Now," Fluttershy said, "we wait for...ah...ah...ACHOO!!"
The bees got spooked an floated towards Arm, stinging him all over.
I'm not quoting the meme.
I'm NOT quoting the meme.
I am NOT- Oh, who cares?
"AAAHH!! AAAH!! NOT THE BEES!!" Arm yelled. "NOT THE BEES!!!! AAAAAAAAAHH!! AAAAAAAAHH!!! THEY'RE IN MY EYES!!! AAAAAAAHHH!!!"
The bees floated back into their cage after a while. Arm stood in place with bee stings on him and his eyes covered by his hands.
"Arm?" Fluttershy asked. "Arm you ok?"
"No," Arm said. "Because your bees freaking stung me in my eyes!!"
"Well, if you didn't scream when they swarmed you, they might have left you alone."
Arm angrily stared at her (well, sort of). He then picked her up and threw her towards the bee cage, knocking it over. Fluttershy ran as the bees gave pursuit while Arm struggled to find his way back to town.
Much later, Twilight dragged Arm back into her library and uses magic to heal his bee stings.
"Thanks," Arm said.
"What is with you?!" Twilight yelled. "My friends tried to help you when all you did was complain and hurt them!"
".....So?"
"So?! SO?!" Twilight was on the verge of punching him. "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?! WHERE ARE YOUR MANNERS?! DIDN'T YOUR MOTHER EVER TEACH YOU HOW TO ACT LIKE A NORMAL PONY BEING?!"
"I never knew my mother," Arm said.
"IF YOU WOULD O-" Twilight stopped to try to catch what Arm said. "What did you say?"
"I never knew my mother," Arm repeated.
Twilight's look of anger switched to a look of surprise. "I....I'm so sorry.....did you grow up in an orphanage?"
"Nope. Left in the forest as a baby."
-------Flashback-------
A baby Arm, who looks a little more like a normal filly, sat in place and looked around to find no one.
".......mama?"
-------Flashback Ends-------
Twilight gasped in horror. "That's absolutely terrible!! How did you ever survive?!?!"
"I ate some blue leaves that were lying around," Arm said.
"Blue leaves-" Twilight gasped again. "YOU ATE POISON JOKE LEAVES AS A FOAL?!?!?!"
"Yes."
Twilight grew a look of sorriness and worry on her face, almost as if she was going to cry.
"I.....I'm so sorry," she said. "I wish I knew how-"
"No," Arm said. "You don't want to know how I felt going through that."
Twilight couldn't find any words to say.
"You know," Arm said, "most people would probably shake it off and say, 'Eh, I got over it long ago.' The truth is, I never shook it off. And I probably never will. Whoever my mother is, I hate her. I don't want to know her. And if I do end up meeting her one day, all I'm gonna say to her is what a horrible, horrible being she is for doing something like that to me. So no, Twilight, you don't want to know how I feel. And you'll never want to. Because, and I'll be honest, it's the worst feeling anyone could have."
Twilight sat there while Arm left her library.
-------Commercial Break-------
Twilight called her friends to the library to tell them what Arm had told her.
"Left in the forrest as a little foal?!" Rarity gasped dramatically. "Who would do such a thing?!"
"You know," Applejack chimed in, "Ah thought that if Ah ever saw that crazy thing's mother, I would smack her in the jaw! Now, Ah REALLY want to smack her in the jaw!"
"You see! This is probably why he behaves this way!" Twilight exclaimed. "He never had somepony there to comfort him, or bring him to school; he's had the chance to live a normal life taken from him!"
"And those poison joke leaves are probably why that guy is KUCKOO!" Rainbow Dash said.
"Exactly," Twilight said.
"So.....what do we do now?" Fluttershy asked.
"I'm thinking that Arm needs some motherly treatment!" Twilight said. "If we all treat him like a mother, that'll influence him to behave properly!"
"Wait," Rainbow Dash said, "treat THAT guy like a kid?! Nuh-uh! No way! No how!"
"Come on, Dashie!" Pinkie chimed. "We'll make him just right! Then he'll stop making fun of you!"
"Hm....you have a point....OK! I'm in!"
The rest cheered, then began to plan out what each one would do.
The next morning, Arm woke up and stretched.
But there was something different. He looked around and noticed that he was in Twilight's bed, which he did not remember getting in the previous night.
"....Why do I get the feeling that today's gonna be an awkward one?" Arm asked himself.
Suddenly, Twilight opened the door to her room and walked in carrying a tray of food. "Good morning, star shine!" she said. "The Earth says hello!"
"Aaaaand that's why," Arm said.
Twilight set the tray down at his lap. "I brought you breakfast in bed! Buttered toast, orange juice, and some apple-cinnamon oatmeal!"
Arm stared at her questionably as he ate the toast she brought.
"I'll be downstairs if you need me, pumpkin!" Twilight said as she went downstairs. When she was out of sight, Arm opened her bedroom window and dived out, then took off as fast as he could.
While running, he unintentionally smacked into Rarity.
"OH! Do slow down, darling! You're going to get yourself hurt!" She took out a cloth with magic and rubbed the dirt on his head.
Arm instantly realized that whatever disease Twilight had, Rarity was also sick with it. "Uh-" he started to say.
"Now, be a dear and hold some of these items for me, would you?" she asked, handing him a bunch of sewing supplies. She then took him back to her house while going on about whatever it is that she's interested in.
Upon arriving at the house, Rarity gasped. "Oh! I just remembered! I made the cutest little suit for you!"
"Wait, SUIT?!" Arm asked.
And before he knew it, Arm was dragged inside by Rarity and forced into a luxurious suit and pants.
"Don't you just look handsome in that piece?" Rarity said.
"....What is going on?" Arm asked.
"Oh! I also made a tie for you! Now where did I put it?"
As she went into another room, Spike approached Arm with an unhappy look on his face.
"Hey there, PAL." Spike said.
"Kid, she's yours," Arm said as he threw off the suit and pants. He then dashed out the door without looking back.
Arm ran towards the outskirts of Ponyville, where Big Mac struggled to pull a cart chock full of apples.
"Hey there, sugarcube!" Applejack called to Arm. "Would ya kindly help out mah brother out with this apple cart?"
A frightened look spawned on Big Mac's face. "Uh-"
"Why should I help him?!" Arm asked.
"'Cuz Ah know that, deep down, yer a sweet, lovable foal that can do good," Applejack said (half-heartedly).
Arm gave a look of questionability towards the farm mare, then shrugged. He strapped on the cart's straps, and quickly dragged the cart into town, dragging a distraught Big Mac with him. When he got there, the large stallion was covered in bruises.
"Uh....great job, huney bunch!" Applejack said (also half-heartedly).
"......You know, for a being that's supposed to be the embodiment of honesty, you're a freaking terrible liar," Arm said.
"Hey!" Applejack said, trying to find a way around what Arm said. "That's no way to speak to yer elders!"
"My elders?! What are you-"
Arm suddenly realized in an instant what was going on.
"TWILI~GHT!!!!!!!!!!!" Arm yelled as he angrily ran back to the library, where Twilight was waiting.
"Arm!" Twilight said happily, oblivious to what was going on. "I was just looking for you!"
"Give up the act, Twilight," Arm demanded, "because it's not working."
"I couldn't find you in your room this morning, so I didn't know where you went! Here!" She held up the tray of food from that morning. "I save your breakfast for you-"
Arm smacked away the tray of food. "I tell you something personal, and then you go and try to use that information against me?!"
"I-I can see you're a little upset, dear." Twilight tried to keep a smile on her face. "Perhaps you need a soothing hot bath?"
"And then what do you do? You try to act like nothing's wrong! SHAME ON YOU, TWILIGHT SPARKLE!! SHAME ON YOU!!"
"I-I read in one of my books tha-that there are many solutions for sudden flashes of anger, including-"
"FORGET! ABOUT!! YOUR FREAKING!!! BOOKS!!!" Arm yelled, snatching the book she had away from her, and hitting her in the head with it. She skidded along the floor and groaned in pain.
"What is wrong with you?! Can you freaking think logically without sticking your nose in some stupid, stupid book?!?!?!" Arm tore apart the book he had in his hand.
Twilight gaped in fear as Arm started pulling out books and tearing them apart.
"Books don't have the answers to everything!! You stick your nose into these stupid things for days, without end, then act like you learned nothing!!! WHY?! WHAT'S THE POINT OF GOING THROUGH THOUSANDS OF STUPID BOOKS, FICTIONAL, SCIENTIFIC OR OTHERWISE, IF YOU NEVER GET THE POINT THEY'RE-"
"STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Twilight yelled as she used her magic to lift Arm up into the air.
"GET OUT!!!" she yelled. "GET OUT OF HERE, YOU PITIFUL EXCUSE FOR A LIVING BEING!!"
And with that, she threw Arm out the window, sending him flying. When her anger subsided, she went into a depressed mood and lay there among the hundreds of ripped-up book pages.
-------Commercial Break-------
Twilight's friends were at the library cleaning up the pages that were lying around. Applejack went upstairs and found Twilight sitting on her bed, writing to Celestia about what happened earlier.
"You alright there?" the orange pony asked.
"I'm fine," Twilight mumbled. She fiddled with the remains of one book that she got as a child. She held onto that book since then, but now it was a worthless pile of paper scraps.
"Don't worry about it, Twilight," Applejack said. "After we clean up, we're gonna find him. And then, we're gonna give him the what-for! I'll buck his head so hard, he'll-"
"He was right."
"What now?"
"He was right, Applejack." Twilight got off her bed. "We weren't looking to make him feel better about what he had gone through. We weren't looking to substitute for the mom he never had. We were just looking to get him to behave, and we were doing the wrong way."
"Come on now," Applejack said. "You ain't belivin' what he was saying, do ya?"
"I do," Twilight stated firmly. "Because he was right about that."
"But he tore apart your library!"
"He did. But that doesn't mean that what we did was better. We both did wrong. And we both need to make up for it."
Applejack gave Twilight a concerned look. "Yer startin' to sound like that crazy thing."
"Maybe I do." Twilight suddenly realized something and perked up. "Maybe he's smarter than we thought. Maybe he's just trying to prove a point."
"An' what point is that?"
Twilight paused. "I don't know....but that doesn't mean we can't ask!"
Twilight opened her window and flew out into the sky. She circled the town, looking for Arm. When she spotted him, she flew back down and landed right in front of him.
"Arm!"
Arm yelped. "Don't do that! Geez, I thought you of all people would have the decency to-"
"Arm, I'm sorry," Twilight said. "What we did was wrong, and we all feel terrible about it. You don't have to-"
"Forgive you?" Arm asked. "Because I do."
"Wait," Twilight said, "What-"
"And I apologize for tearing apart your library. I know that was wrong, and you don't have to forgive me."
"But I do!"
Arm gave her a look that said "Seriously?"
"...Alright then," he said. "But your friends have to apologize individually! Just because I forgave you doesn't mean they're off the hook!"
Twilight rolled her eyes. "Fine. I'll let them know."
"Be sure to." Arm began to prance away.
"Arm," Twilight said, "what exactly is the point you're trying to make with all your....craziness, let's say."
Arm chuckled a little, then wrapped his arm around her.
"Twilight," he said, "sometimes, you're gonna get those situations where life will be like a math quiz: Answers won't be given you in a hand basket all the time. And as a person that's responsible for herself, you ought to be able to figure out what the things in life that don't make sense mean."
He then turned to the camera and said, "And that's your assignment kids! Get a piece of paper and try to figure out what the message of this episode is! Yeah, yeah, I know, we all hate homework, but there's a lesson to be learned here, and you gotta figure out what it is!"
"Arm," Twilight said, "who are you talking to?"
Arm turned to Twilight and said, "I said it once, and I'll say it again! When you find out the truth, it will blow your mind."
Twilight giggled. "Arm, you are a strange, strange being."
"So are you, sweetie," he said. "So are you."
As he pranced away, Twilight called to him.
"Arm! Why did you call me 'sweetie?'" she asked.
"You're the bookworm!" Arm yelled. "You figure it out! It's kinda obvious, anyway!"
As Arm pranced off into the distance, Twilight thought to herself and trotted off toward her library.