Fashion Town Beat Down
Without a way to fly, I had to hoof it (yeah, I know) towards the dressing rooms. If I looked like an 'uncouth brute' or whatever for barging into her meeting, then so be it. I didn't need Rarity's approval. All I needed was her safety. I pushed countless wafer-thin models and effeminate mane-stylists out of my way as I came closer to the designer's greenrooms. Just as I was within eyesight, I picked out the star with her name on it. The door opened, and I fully expected a ridiculously dressed Rarity to step out, ready to do whatever it is designers do at these things. Instead, I watched two ponies carry a rather large rolled up rug on each shoulder out of her room, followed by that Avant Garde weirdo.
I was about to stop them when a huge clothes rack blocked my way. By the time I got past it, the ponies were gone. I hurried into Rarity's greenroom and found she wasn't in it. Not good.
"Shit, shit, shit!" I had to think. Every second she wasn't with me was another second she could be with a hostile. That's when it hit me.
"The rug!"
I knew that fashion creep was no good! I raced out into the crowded hallway and found the same crowd I'd just pushed through. With another well placed shoulder, I fired out of the doorway and into the crowd, heading towards the door I'd seen them use earlier. I had to hope they hadn't gotten far. I busted through the emergency exit just in time to see a limo peel out of the alleyway and onto the street. I grinned, spreading my wings. Finally, I could track something the way a griffon was meant to. I tailed the limo, following it to an abandoned warehouse in a really run-down section of town.
The only way this would've been any more clichéd is if Rarity was my wife and I was a grizzled old war veteran with nothing to lose, or a rogue secret agent the government was trying to kill, or an assassin that had been poisoned by a former employer and had to do crazy and dangerous stunts in order to keep myself alive long enough to exact my brutal revenge!
But I wasn't any of those things. I was a hotel bodyguard in a silly dress charging headfirst into what could possibly be a building full of dangerous thugs or worse. I perched on top of a nearby balcony and watched the limo come to a stop around back by the loading docks. Sure enough, out of the back seat, two ponies carried an out cold Rarity into the warehouse.
I don't know what I was expecting. I knew something was up with all this fashion noise, but no, I was just 'paranoid'. Just wait till I rescued her! Oh man was she gonna get an earful!
Just as my bravery peaked, the cold wet fish of reality slapped me across the face. How many dudes could be in that building? It was at least four stories, and pretty wide. On top of that, who knows what kind of crazy shit I might stumble across in there. I mean, organ theft is pretty huge in cities like this, and I've heard of some creatures that consider pony gizzards a delicacy! Along with griffon hearts...
No! I thought to myself. Your people once ruled all of the western skies! We are warriors through and through, and so are you, Gilda 'Steeltalon' Griffon! Not half bad for a middle name I made up on the spot, huh? Anyway, I took a little time to play Discord's advocate. What if I didn't rescue her?
Well, other than having to live with myself and knowing I was a coward, I'd probably be locked in Equestria's deepest, darkest dungeon for letting something happen to one of their Elements of Harmony or whatever. Not that I was considering abandoning her, but the choice was pretty obvious.
Seriously. I was going. Any second now... 1...2...3... Shit. This was harder than I thought. I guess risking your life for a job you only took because of the perks is harder than it looks. If only I had a rubber animal mask and a letterman jacket, I'd be more suited to bash ponies' heads in with a blunt object. But I had neither of those items. I spread my wings and glided off the balcony, landing softly on the rooftop. If I started at the top, I'd have at most three floors to get through before I found her. Hopefully still in one piece and able to fog a mirror.
My head felt as though it had been submerged in a vat of syrup. My muscles were sluggish, and I couldn't remember for the life of me how I'd ended up... wherever I was. I remembered I wasn't in Ponyville, I was in... Canterlot! That was it, for a fashion show! Thankfully, it was simply due to a blindfold, although I will admit that there is nothing "simple" about being trussed up and blindfolded in an unfamiliar place. I was on the verge of panicking before I heard a familiar voice. It was Avant!
"Avant, is that you? Where am I?" The muddled voices in the background stopped as soon as I had spoken. I know some after-parties in the art district can be a bit unusual, but this was taking things to a bit of an extreme. It was at the moment I tried to stand that I found my limbs bound as well. This was looking less and less like a party.
"Ah, Rarity, my darling! You're awake!"
I tried to remove my blindfold but found my magic just as restricted as the rest of me.
I felt a hoof against my cheek as the blindfold fell from my eyes. It was certainly dark, save for the single light above my head.
"Avant, what is all this? Why can't I recall the fashion show?" I was in no mode for japes or coy answers. Nopony makes Rarity miss a fashion show. Nopony.
"The show was a huge success! Your line was a smash! The princesses themselves even went to meet with you after the show."
"I... I met with the princesses? But how is that possible? I don't remember—"
"Well, not you, per se, but someone who looks remarkably similar to you."
"Remarkably similar? But who could possibly—" I stopped myself. I looked Avant in the eyes for a moment, searching into his soul, or where one would have been, had he not been a changeling! In a flash of green light, he revealed his true form. In the light of his transformation, I could see the rest of the room I found myself in. There were no windows, and along the walls were those grotesque pods they put ponies in to do... whatever it is that happens to them in there. In the pods, I could see the real Avant Garde, the hotel security director, multiple bouncers and fashion designers... it seemed they'd nearly taken over the fashion industry!
I figured I should have listened to Gilda. She knew something was off about this guy, but I was certain everything was fine! This wouldn't be the first time following my instincts has gotten me into hot water. So, I could only hope she would come bursting through that door followed by a SWAT team from the Canterlot police department, or the army, or both. Of course, I'd then have to listen to how right she was. I suppose I could suffer such things if it meant I could get out of here without having my body snatched.
"So, is this the part where you tell me your evil plan?"
The changeling formerly known as Avant looked at me like I was crazy.
"Why would I tell you that? I'm going to put you in a pod and be done with it."
"Well, you clearly have never masterminded an evil scheme before."
He paused for a moment. Sometimes it was too easy.
"I'll have you know I've masterminded plenty of evil schemes."
"Well I find that hard to believe. I mean, you don't even know when to start monologuing."
"I know exactly when to monologue!"
"Then put your money where your mouth is."
"I'll monologue when I'm damn well ready! I'm one of the greatest evil geniuses the hive has ever produced!"
His guards behind him were trying hard to contain their laughter. "Come now, your henchmen don't even respect you. How is your victim supposed to cower in fear of you if your henchmen are laughing at you behind your back?"
"What?!" He whirled around, finding his guards hiding their mouths behind their hooves, though the holes in them did little to disguise their laughter. In a flash, not-Avant zapped them into two smoking piles of dust. "There! Are you scared now?"
I mulled things over for a few seconds. "Well... I suppose I'm a bit frightened, but..."
"But what?" he growled.
"I'm just not very impressed."
He threw the a chair across the room. "You aren't supposed to be impressed! You're supposed to be scared!"
"Darling, I've been a key component in many evil schemes." I took a deep breath. "I think I know a thing or two about atmosphere, and this is just a lackluster effort on your part. Now, if I were you, I would have..."
This place was pretty nasty. It looked like the inside of a rusted old safe. If I was gonna get tetanus anywhere, it would've been here. Good thing I had all my shots. I had to step lightly, there was a lot of broken glass on the floor, and the slightest crunch was gonna echo through that place and bring every guard in there down on me. The floor plan was pretty open. I dunno what this place used to be, but it sure wasn't it now.
"I know! Ironhoof doesn't know anything about running an evil scheme."
I clung to a support column. I peered around the corner and noticed a single guard looking out a window with a radio in his ear. Looks like he was my first target.
"Look, first time or not, there's certain things you should research before putting a plan into action! I mean, an abandoned warehouse? How clichéd can you get?"
I snuck carefully to the next column, and then the next one until I was only feet away from him. I took a few quiet steps until I was right behind him.
"You guys should be nicer to Ironhoof," I said.
"Yeah, but he... wait a second—"
He didn't have time to finish that sentence before I cracked him across the jaw. What started out as a unicorn slumped to the ground at my paws as a changeling. Looks like I was right about a larger conspiracy! Just wait till I rescued Rarity.
I didn't have time to bask in my rightness. After I made sure there weren't any other guards around, I headed down the stairwell to the next floor. The last floor was a cake walk compared to this one. Three guards, each patrolling in a pattern, and each one with a sword on their belt. I'd have to play it smart if I wanted to get past them all alive. At my paws was a rusted old pipe. Judging by the shape of this place, I'd bet it fell from the ceiling. Looking up, I saw a hole in the ceiling where it had come from. There were still pipes running through the place, and that gave me an idea. I grabbed a chunk of tile and threw it into the hallway.
The guards left their patterns and poked their heads out. Now came the hard part. I chucked another piece at the closest one, and it nailed him right between the eyes. The other two charged me, holding their swords with their magic above their heads. I pulled back into the room and waited for them to come in after me. The first guy just ran straight in. He was easy enough to deal with. A swift crack with my pipe, and he was out cold. The next guy wouldn't be so easy. I tried to do the same to him, but he met my pipe with his sword. I wasn't really that great with weapons during combat training, so there was a good chance I could get cut.
I swung hard, and he met me again, both our weapons clanging loud enough to make my ears ring. I tried again and again, but this guy blocked my every shot. I must have been telegraphing somehow. I knew the longer this fight went on, the more chance I had of getting killed. So, I did what anyone in my situation would have done. I cheated.
I stumbled backward after blocking a pretty hard blow, falling over, but grabbing a talon-full of dust from the floor. I stood up quickly, and right as he was about to cut me down, I blew it in those giant eyeballs changelings have. He stumbled backwards, trying to get it out of his eyes while I brained him with old Rusty.
Down he went, and I was one floor closer to Rarity.
I sped down the stairs with my trusty pipe in talon, only to come across a group of at least five of them waiting for me. No tricks or clever plans this time. If I wanted to rescue my charge, I was gonna have to use good old fashioned brute force. I had to hope I had enough of it...
"All I'm saying is, to be a truly proper villain, you need a lair. I mean, come now, a warehouse? What are you, a mobster?"
By now, I had managed to get this fellow—Ironhoof, as it turns out— to sit across from me, as I deconstructed the numerous flaws in his plan.
"Have you priced lairs recently? I'm not made of money!"
"It's not about the amount, darling, it's what you get for your money! Sure, anyone can rent an abandoned missile silo or a mothballed military base, but how many can say they have their own active volcano? Or perhaps an orbiting space station with a death ray?"
"But, where would I get the money?"
"Surely queen Chrysalis' has coffers filled high enough for something like that?"
Ironhoof sighed. "Not hardly. She spent all the shekels she had made on the hive. Apparently, spas and personal masseuses don't come cheaply."
This I could understand. Even someone as horrid as Chrysalis is still a queen. A queen must look her best at all times! Even if her best is a horrifying abomination of insect and pony.
A crash came from beyond the door. He grabbed a sword in his magic and replaced the gag in my mouth. And after all the progress we'd made! How rude!
By now, the racket from outside had been growing steadily, with shouts and crashes coming in more frequency as time passed. Suddenly, the noise stopped, and all was deathly quiet. For a moment, Ironhoof and I glanced at each other, before he carefully and silently crept toward the door. In a startling instant, the old wooden door exploded into splinters, a changeling having been hurled through it with a pipe sticking out of its midsection. It missed Ironhoof by inches.
Standing in the now open doorway was a sight I was certain to never see. Gilda, in one of my dresses—torn and tattered though it might have been—with more than one bruise and a few cuts. Since she was saving me, I was willing to look past that she was bleeding on one of my favorite designs.
Gilda stepped forward. "You have one chance to set Rarity free."
Ironhoof raised his sword. "Or what?"
She seemed to hold in a moan of annoyance. "Fine, we'll do it the hard way."
I had to admit, I just laid down the ass-kicking to end all ass-kickings! You should have been there! I don't even have the words to describe how awesome that battle was! But, that was then, and now, I had finally found the final boss of this little adventure.
Around the room, I noticed a few familiar faces sealed inside those creepy pod things changelings love so much. The real Avant Garde (who didn't look any less creepy, by the way) and a few fashion types, some cops, a paramedic or two, and that one guy who got shot with the crossbow! Hoity-Toity, I think his name was. Anyway, it was time to lay the smack down. I picked up a sword laying in a pile of dust by the door.
"And just what are you going to do with that?" he asked with a tone I kind of recognized.
"End you, if you don't surrender." I'm pretty good at sounding like a badass sometimes!
He used his green changeling witchcraft to change into Director Brinks. "Do I look familiar? I invite you to take a guess as to why I'm not worried about killing you."
"Is it because you've accepted death already?" Okay, not as cool, but still, I could have said worse.
He smirked. "It's because I trained you. I know your strengths, and I know your skills." He did a few fancy tricks with his sword, which were probably pretty easy when you didn't actually have to hold it. "For instance, I know that you prefer hooks to jabs." He feinted with his sword, and I reflexively raised mine to block. He grinned. "I know you prefer brute force to finesse."
He took a step closer, settling into a fighting crouch. "And I know you're awful at swordplay," he hissed. "So, shall we begin?"
I snarled in reply and stepped in, swinging downward with a two-handed slash that should have cut him in half—if he hadn't dodged with room to spare. This guy was quicker than he looked. Before I could recover, he cracked me in the mouth with the hilt of his sword. If I had teeth, I'm sure a few of them would've been loosened. I stumbled backwards, careful not to let go of my sword. It only took one hit to make me realize I should let him come to me. He lunged and I blocked, throwing him off and slashing at him again. I nicked him, but it didn't seem to hurt as he spun off of me and came back again. This time he was really letting me have it. I blocked as fast as I could, but I knew I couldn't keep this up. I dodged a downward cut, and threw my shoulder into him as he tried to pull his sword out of the ground. The impact pulled his sword out, but it also sent him flying into a wall. Looked like he felt that one!
"I've had enough of you! I pretended to be all these miserable fashion lunatics for months after Avant wrote Rarity that letter, and now I'm killing you, and taking her back to my Queen, where I'll be made her King!"
"Really? You're telling me your evil scheme now? Is this your first time being the villain?"
That really pissed him off for some reason. With a shout, he sprinted towards me, hacking like his life depended on it. At first, I blocked every strike. But by now, my arms were getting tired. I'd already fought my way through a warehouse full of them, and now he was really testing my stamina. It was fading fast. My blocks became less sharp, but what really drove the point home was him slicing my arm. That was gonna need stitches. I screamed and dropped my sword, but not before I felt him mule-kick me into the wall. My head was in a fog as I tried to focus. I could see him coming towards me with his sword held high.
"Any last words?"
This was it. This was my chance to say something totally cool before I killed this guy! I only had seconds to come up with something snappy.
"Uh..." Turns out it's pretty hard to think under this kind of pressure. So I went with something simple, yet elegant.
"Fuck you!"
I reached into my right wing feathers and grabbed the hilt of my dad's dagger. A good bodyguard is never unarmed. I had one shot at this, and if I missed, I was really screwed. I flung the dagger at him, and watched it sail end over end towards him. Some folks say that when your life is on the line, seconds can seem like hours. I know what they mean.
A weird squelching noise snapped me out of my daze. I followed the knives' path, and blinked in surprise when I saw the hilt standing out from the Changeling's giant blue eye. An instant later, he collapsed bonelessly, his sword clattering to the ground.
I could hardly believe I was that lucky! I mean, I've never practiced throwing knives before. Seriously, not once. But, I'd rather be lucky than good any day. I shook the dust off my feathers and plucked my dagger from the dead bug's head. In case you were wondering, they do curl up all cockroach-like when they die.
I walked over to Rarity and took off the gag. I definitely wanted her to talk for this.
"So, am I still paranoid?"
Oh, the look on her face was priceless! She was one of those types that hates being wrong, I could tell.
"I suppose not," she sighed. Something about that just wasn't as satisfying as I'd imagined it. "I must have been a fool to think someone as well known in the fashion world as Avant would want anything to do with my silly designs..."
I didn't beat up eight changelings and kill two just to rescue a Debbie Downer. "Hang on, that's not true! The changeling said he replaced the creepy fashion guy after he sent you the letters!"
She paused for a second. I could tell the wheels were turning in that still somehow perfectly coiffed head of hers. "I suppose he did, didn't he?"
"Yeah he did! And before I put that knife through his eye, I bet his last thought was how stunning I looked in your dress!" Oh boy, was I lying through my beak. But that's what you do for a... Oh shit. Is she my... friend?
"You think so?" she asked. I could tell she meant it honestly.
"Pfft! No way!" I laughed. She threw her grumpy face on almost immediately. "C'mon, I think you know me better than that. The last thing going through that guy's brain was my knife." She gave me a shove, but also a playful smile.
"Well, I wouldn't expect a ruffian like you to understand the finer points of the industry." She looked at me and smirked. "Besides, you couldn't come up with anything better to say besides 'fuck you'?"
"Hey, I 'd like to hear you do better!"
"How about after his little speech about how he knew everything about you, you could have said: 'you should know I also don't play by the rules' or something."
Damn, that was way better. "Tell you what, next time you can kill the changeling mastermind and then you can say all the cool closing lines you want." I took a look around at the still trapped ponies. "How about we call the cops and get the hell out of here?"
"Calling the constables won't be necessary."
I turned around, and there in the doorway were the ever-loving Princesses of Equestria! And a talonful of cops and royal guards.
"Wow... Uh... hey." Apparently that wasn't what you said to royalty. Rarity's elbow reminded me of that.
"And a fond 'hey' to you as well, hero of Equestria!" Princess Luna smiled at me.
"Me?" I asked dumbly. I was doing great as far as first impressions go.
"Indeed. You have foiled a most dangerous Changeling plot, set free a number of our captured citizens, and protected a vital piece of our national defense! If that does not make a hero, then I fear I am unable to recognize them anymore." Princess Celestia added as the police began to arrest the unconscious changelings and haul off the dead ones.
I nodded. Which was about all I could do. I gotta admit, their presence is pretty impressive. "But, how did you know to come here?"
"Our deceased changeling friend made the mistake of leaving one of his henchmen behind to pose as Rarity," Celestia said, like she was trying to stop herself from giggling. "I wished to speak with her after the show, and found her a bit out of sorts. Once I found out why, it only took a few moments with my dear sister before he confessed to his crimes."
"Princess Luna has what some would call an irrational hatred of changelings," Rarity whispered in my ear.
Yikes.
"So, you guys weren't behind the whole 'required bodyguard' thing?" I asked.
"No, that was all a forgery by a rather clever changeling. It appears they are just as adept at copying documents as they are forms." Celestia replied, holding the fake royal decree out to me. She might as well be showing me a calculus test, because I couldn't tell the difference between that and a real one.
"So, it is customary for us to grant a request to our hero!" Luna shouted a little too loudly for a room this size. "And thus I shall! What is it you request, brave..."
"Gilda."
"Brave Gilda, anything within our power is yours, what say you?"
At first I had no idea what I wanted, but then it hit me. Something that had been on my mind long before any of this craziness started.
It wasn't long after that, I made my way to the Canterlot train station after bidding Gilda a much harder farewell than I'd anticipated. I suppose even two as different as us can find common ground when one of our lives is in danger.
As it turned out, my designs were a hit, even without the design Gilda had pilfered off the rack to save my hide. I suppose good taste is in ample supply in Canterlot, even without the designer there to accept the honors. As the countryside whipped by outside, I found myself thinking back to Gilda's request of the princesses. At first I was a bit confused, but once she explained my role in it, I was more than happy to help.
The train ride went by quickly, and before I knew it, I was back in familiar territory, my friends waiting at the platform to greet me.
After all the hugs, and hellos, the questions began.
"How was fashion week Rare?" Applejack asked. I must admit, I missed her country accent. You don't find much of that in a place like Canterlot.
"It was more than I bargained for, but I got by." Best to leave the tale for another time. Perhaps over a cup of afternoon tea when it could be fully appreciated.
As I made my way back to my boutique, I asked Rainbow Dash to follow me. I knew she wouldn't care one way or the other about fashion, only that I'd come back a success. Which was quite alright. I expected no less. But, it was my obligation to Gilda that led me to the both of us having a seat in my studio over a cup of tea.
"Thanks for the invite Rarity, but why exactly did you want to see just me?"
I sipped my tea and smiled at her. Even through all this, a lady is still entitled to her sense of drama, is she not? "While I was in Canterlot, I was assigned a certain bodyguard, one I'm sure you'd remember."
She looked at me with the same puzzled expression I'd seen on Gilda many times before. "Okay, who?"
I slid an envelope from my carryon bag and across the table to her. The envelope revealed nothing but the letter 'G' elegantly written on the front. Obviously, that was my touch.
Rainbow opened the letter and began reading, a variety of expressions coming over her before she finished.
"Gilda? She was your bodyguard?"
I nodded. "She was."
"So she wants me to just be friends with her again, just like that?"
I could tell she was skeptical. If I were in her position, I would be too. "She does, but, she is not the Gilda that left here in such a fit of rage. She's changed, and I can vouch for that."
"Would you hang out with her after everything she did?" Dash asked.
Mine was a special case, but the truth all the same. "Yes. I consider her a friend. As she does with me." Still not enough. Rainbow could certainly be a hard head. "It takes a friend to ask another for one more chance, but it takes a true friend to give that chance. Was there not a time when the two of you were friends?"
Rainbow nodded. "Yeah, I guess I was kinda quick to toss her out on her tail..." I had done it. I reached the unreachable! If I should ever fail at fashion, I could be a hostage negotiator, no problem.
On top of that, I had another ace up my fashion-forward sleeve. "She wants the two of you to go to a Wonderbolts show together, in the royal box seats."
Rainbow gasped. "Are you serious?!" I slid the tickets toward her. She could hardly believe her eyes. "How could she even get these?"
"She had a little help." I smiled, taking another sip of tea. "So, will you give Gilda another chance?"
"Of course!"
I love it when a plan comes together.