Dear Twilight Sparkle:
First off, I'm glad you had so much fun in the human world. Unfortunately, having heard everything you've told me about what lurks beyond the mirror, I've realized we must blow up the portal and make sure they do not escape. I know you'll be unhappy that you can never go back, but it's for the best. The last time a portal between dimensions opened, we had 300-foot-tall monsters tearing the Golden Gallop Bridge apart.
Also, the purpose of the Summit was to figure out what you could do. But what could you do that the three already-existing alicorns can't? I mean, I raise the sun, my sister raises the moon, and Cadance keeps everypony happy through hot steamy sex. So each of us has a kingdom. As for you? Truth be told, you're kind of the disposable princess. Or maybe you're the backup princess?
Whatever. The point is, you have about as much a chance of getting your own kingdom as Tirek has of escaping Tartarus.
Also, did you say that Applejack and Rainbow Dash were your neighbors? Well, I, for one, had no idea at all how that happened. After all, I gave each pony her own room.
So, I'm betting you have a lot of questions about Sunset Shimmer. First of all, she was better at you in pretty much every aspect. Also, while she was kind of a bitch, she at least never tried to usurp my rule. Of course, unlike you, she was smart enough to remember what happened to my sister. And she made sure never to insult me to my face.
I miss her.
But enough focusing on the past. Instead, let's talk about our security. Why do we only have one guard to protect all four princesses? I don't know. Why do we have guards at all? I mean, Luna and I raise the sun and moon, Cadance thwarted a changeling invasion with a horngasm, and you carry the element of magic. So, when you think about it, no matter how many guards we have, they're all pretty much useless.
That said, we probably should have some sort of security measure to get rid of petty thieves. Maybe we should put curses on our vault doors that suck in would-be thieves and imprison them. I'd make sure to check the vaults for trapped vandals once every ten years or so.
Admittedly, I'd be a bit sad if it happened to Sunset, though. That said, she's trapped in the mirror world now, so... maybe I'll check on her one of these years.
Also, about that whole “upset the balance of two worlds” thing: I lied. I was hoping that you'd be trapped in there forever. Your friends and I would all be saved, and you'd have the illusion that you were doing something good for Equestria. Alas, you managed to recover your crown. So that's one plan that didn't quite pan out.
Anyway, your Fax Machine must be pretty desperate if he's going to jump into an alternate reality just to get some of the credit. Or maybe you really did succeed in breaking him. Either way, tell me what you did so that I may do the same to my loyal subjects.
And please don't refer to the humans as marketing ploys. You make it sound like there's a higher being that appropriates our name and image to make money, and I can assure you there is no greater power than my father, King Hasbro. It's almost as stupid as the “Alternate plane of Equestria” idea.
No, seriously. I'm quite insulted by the idea that there's a world where I'm nothing more than a school principal. I mean, the most I'd be able to do would be give everypony... everyhuman... whatever. I'd give students failing grades.
Oh, great, you have proof. I'm not sure it's believable, though. I mean, why in King Hasbro's name would a bunch of bald apes give their children names like “Pinkie Pie”, “Applejack”, or “Fluttershy”? I mean, they can create such great things like computers and mechanical fax machines to replace their now-extinct dragons. Can't they put as much thought into the names of their children as they do into their society?
Then again, given what little I know about this world, it's probably already doomed. And it's not just what you've told me about the “Internet”, “Social Networking Sites”, and adult males who believe it is socially acceptable to sexualize characters from female child shows. You see, a few years ago an artifact called a “DVD player” fell through, along with a couple of circular objects. And what I saw horrified me. One was about how they somehow managed to get enslaved by an even stupider race with a big gold fetish. Another was a montage of boring scenes of humans standing around and talking about politics, occasionally punctuated by an incredibly annoying long-tongued, long-eared, stupid-voiced... thing. But the absolute worst one was about a hero who resembled our great hero, the Bat-mane. Just to give you an idea of how bad it was: they gave him a Bat-Credit Card. Yes. Those monsters had the balls to give one of the greatest heroes of all time a Bat-Credit Card.
This reinforces my belief that we must close that portal up ASAP. But then again, you've clearly found something positive about those apes. And I'm very happy you enjoyed having fingers, because they sure sound like a lot of fun. That said, I may or may not have placed a magic-nullifying spell on your crown to prevent you from turning your hooves into fingers. Have fun!
But back to your adventure. I'm sure you've found out just how brilliant Sunset is. Is there any doubt as to why I took her under my wing? I mean, she's a master manipulator, easily convincing her whole world that you are an incompetent screwup (which, admittedly, is quite true), and also separating the school into factions so that no one could oppose her directly, made all the more impressive by the fact that humans have no cutie marks. After all, with cutie marks ponies immediately know their place. Without them, humans could probably choose to be whoever they want to be. What a frightening thought.
And yes, I shudder to think what the two of you could have done if you teamed up.
Even so, you did a rather good job of reuniting the human versions of your friends. Especially with Rainbow and Applejack. Though that does beg the question of why they never bothered to confirm that the e-mails and text messages they received actually came from the ponies that supposedly sent them. After all, if Applejack and Rainbow had gone to talk to each other to ask why they weren't helping each other out, they would've realized they were being played for fools, and Sunset's plan would have collapsed. Then again, given that this seems to be an alternate Equestria, their intelligence probably isn't up to much.
Anyway, I think we should probably think about opening a few Starbucks here in our Equestria. They sound pretty convenient. Especially if they allow you to gain valuable insight into the past love life of your arch-rivals. I mean, it's not like you could have learned anything else about Flash any other way. Of course, the fact that Sunset just happened to be dating some guy who looked like your brother opens up a whole lot of questions.
I can almost imagine those bald apes writing a bunch of stories to answer them.
That is a matter we can discuss later. For now, I'm going to ask why Rarity just happened to be carrying a bunch of accessories to make humans resemble ponies. It's almost like some of them fantasize about becoming furry creatures or something. I'm telling you, they're beyond any hope of salvation. That said, they must really enjoy music, especially if they managed to come up with something that made and entire cafeteria full of high school students get up and dance.
And once again, Sunset demonstrates her brilliance by tricking Luna into thinking you were a criminal. This, of course, begs the question on why she had to trick her in the first place. I mean, she could have simply looked up some evidence of your campaign of genocide against the buffalo, thus showing that you were a psychopath unsuitable for princesshood. I mean, knowing you, you probably brought them along with you. Of course, given how he seems to be just as determined to get laid as you, Flash would probably have found some way to disprove it anyway. I do wish I could find some way to punish him.
Maybe I'll seek out his counterpart in our universe.
Anyway, I'm quite surprised you were cool with telling your friends you were secretly a pony. I mean, wouldn't they have freaked out, then turned you over to their government to be dissected? But whatever. At least you got them to help you restore the gym in time for the dance. And you even managed to get a guy legitimately interested in you for the first time in your life. Congrats. I can't wait to see how you fuck this up.
Oh wait, you've told me already: Sunset stole your crown and turned into a duplicate of Tirek's mother. And then she used her powers to turn all the students into zombies. Which she will then use to take over Equestria. I kind of think this would be a lot of fun, honestly; I would probably pretend to freak out over seeing her army of alien teenagers, then drop the sun on them.
As for the elements, they're strange like that. Sometimes they imprison evil beings, and sometimes they just make them regret what they did. Regardless, the elements are pretty awesome. They gave you and your friends superpowers and turned you into pony-human hybrids. Can you imagine what else they could do if you used the for even longer? They'd probably make you turn rainbow or something. Then again, that sounds like the stupid marketing ploy you mentioned earlier.
And yes, after saving the world, everything can be solved by having a dance party. Which must be really awesome if there is a group of human-pony freaks there to dance with you. Oh, and the person who just brainwashed everyone is just left there to help fix things, rather than taken by the police or something. Yeah, seems legit.
So, overall, it's been entertaining to read all about your little escapade on the planet of the apes. One last thing I should warn you about, though: these “religions” of which you speak are strictly forbidden here in Equestria, for they encourage the worship of false prophets who defy the one true god, King Hasbro. Therefore, I'm afraid you shall be stoned.
Your atheist former teacher, Princess Celestia