//------------------------------// // Guest Chapter: The Worst Type Of Twilestia (Smallz) // Story: Celestia Uses An Online Dating Website // by RainbowBob //------------------------------// Celestia looked hopefully at her newest date. She was rather worried when Luna picked another one for her, but Luna insisted that this one came from a popular universe. To say the least, she was discouraged when he entered the diner in a hoodie, dark glasses, and ball cap under the hood. “Sorry about that”, he apologized, sitting at the restaurant booth and drawing the curtains closed while he set a strange looking device down on the table. “I can’t really be out in the day at all.” “Sensitive skin?” she asked, cringing a bit and shifting her flank more into the cushions. “Ten percent sun problems, ninety percent fan problems.” He smiled and removed his headgear, revealing a devilishly handsome, if a rather young and tired looking face. “I can relate to the crowd problems, if not the sun ones.” She smiled understandingly and reached out with her hoof. “My name is Celestia.” He took her hoof from across the table and gave it a light kiss. “Edward. Edward Cullen,” he introduced himself. The next hour was spent with pleasant conversation as she got to know him a little more. The whole vampire thing was weird at first, but Luna’s own guard were vampiric in their own right, so she had no reason to inherently distrust this human version. She learned that he had a rather complicated and tiring family life, although he refused to explain on it in much detail, except for the fact that there was a new child in the family and a recent marriage. The way he grumbled about those last two facts told her he wasn’t exactly pleased with it all, and may have been the reason he seemed so exhausted. “But yeah, I’ve been taking care of the kid mostly, as her mother is always off reveling in her new found vampirism.” Edward swirled his red wine, taking a sip and grimacing at the taste, but smacking his lips afterwards. “Let me tell you, this stuff tastes horrible,” he said, leveling a crooked smile at her, “but the after-effects are really nice every once in a while.” “Oh, don’t get me started on how good a glass of wine is after a tiring day, and trust me, I have a lot of those!” Her smile strained slightly when he took another swig, since it was his second glass, after all. When the waitress came over to refill it, he had told her to leave the bottle. Seems like he needs it more than a little, and uses it more than every once in a while, she thought with a twinge of regret. Celestia herself had a soda, as it was rather early for wine in her opinion... and also because for the past two weeks she had woken up with a hangover in a dried pool of tears in her bedroom, which her sister had pointed out to her on more than one occasion. But Edward really seemed like he needed it more than she did. “What about the father?” It seemed like an innocent enough question, but he squirmed nonetheless. “He’s…” Edward looked thoughtfully at everything but her. “He’s somewhere he shouldn’t be, probably drowning his regrets away.” Edward paused again, and an odd expression came over his face. “I’m pretty sure that he’s realized what a horrible mistake he made… the two dated for so little time, he tried to get away once, but things kinda escalated.” Now he was outright scowling. “Thinking back, he was pretty much forced to come back and be with her... Bella… she was trying to kill herself.” His expression softened again. “And he couldn’t’ live knowing that it was his fault that some girl killed herself over him.” Celestia looked at him wide eyed at the sudden release of information, as it was the most she had heard about his family yet. She put a hoof over his hand that was resting over the table and gave him a sad smile. “I’m so sorry, that sounds absolutely terrible.” Edward looked up at her with pursed lips and haunted eyes. “Thank you, Celestia. I feel like you really get me.” “Well . . . ” She blushed, hesitating at his intense stare, and it was her turn to look pensively away anywhere but right in front of her. “I’ve had family problems as well.” She managed to look him in the eyes and say, “So you could say I have a kindred spirit for those who care so much for their families to worry as much as you do.” She leaned in slightly, deciding that she could overlook the drinking problem for someone who seemed to work so hard for his family, but when her lips met empty air, she opened her eyes and a mortified blush burned like the sun on her flank when she realized she had been making kissy faces to the air. She shot back in her seat so fast that it made a dull creaking sound that oddly reminded her of splitting wood. “A-ahem, yes, well, like I said, it really is sweet of you to think so much of your family, especially this child.” She babbled for a minute, trying to quell the growing awkwardness, which promised to suffocate her if she didn’t break the tension, and yet, as she struggled to support the conversation herself, her date’s dark expression only became more and more dull and grim, like he was slowly regretting even coming and seeing her. She swallowed the deep, heavy lump in her throat, and continued tittering on about how aggravating Luna could be, though she loved her, and how silly Twilight was, although her student only lived to please her. She looked at her date, who was gripping his fork so hard his knuckles had turned white- er whiter than normal. Her voice pattered out and she craned her swan-like neck down so that she could look into his face, which was turned resolutely down. She couldn’t even tell if he was listening. “Edward?” Her silent date suddenly got up from the table, and turned away from her. “I shouldn’t be here.” His voice was filled with self-loathing, “We shouldn’t be doing this!” “Wait, no, no! It was going so good at first!” She started to panic, this was the most decent date she had had in… well, it was the only truly decent date she had where she hadn't been weirded out or nearly killed. “Oh, Celestia, it’s not you, it’s me!” he said dramatically, making her scrunch up her nose irritatedly at the hackneyed phrase. “That’s nonsense, you seem like a great guy!” She walked around him, trying to get a look at his face, but he kept looking away! With a flick of her head and only the slightest of sparks, she tuned him around, slid him still on his feet to the booth and magically connected his jeans and skin to the cushions. He didn’t even hesitate as he got up, the top layer of cloth sticking to his backside. When he tried to walk away this time, it ripped further in the middle, with him not even noticing. “I-I’ve got to get back.” There, the way he said it, he was hiding something, very, very bad. She recalled his words earlier, I shouldn’t be here. She grimaced in determination, realizing what he must have meant. “So that’s what your hiding.” He stopped in his tracks, and looked a little over his shoulder, so she continued. “You closed the window curtains when you got here. You’re always looking over your shoulder. Your eyes have dark rings, but you don’t look sick at all. You talk about how bad it is in your family, but you seem resigned to it, like you don’t have a choice to leave, do you?” “No... not really.” He looked downtrodden at the ground. “I know what you are.” “Say it out loud. Say it!” His face turned into an ugly frown. “The nanny.” He paused a second, then made a little snort, and then really started laughing. “It’s true, isn’t it?” she asked accusingly. “You’re supposed to be watching the child, but instead you're out on a date with me!” He coughed and sat down, the tension dispelled. “I’m not the nanny.” “You sound like a nanny, even if you don’t look like one,” she said defensively, pushing him in the shoulder jokingly. “I thought you were the brother at first or something, but all you ever do is complain about the parents, and the bad choices they make. You never talk about your relationships with them.” He looked at her with a deadpan expression. “Oh, I don’t think you would like the relationship I have with the mother.” “Like what? Does she cheat on her husband with you? You really don’t seem like the cheating type!” She laughed at this, and playfully took a sip of his red wine, smacking her lips like he did. “In fact, it sounds like you really don’t like her, but I would also be rather annoyed with someone who used entrapment to get a guy to marry her.” “You have no idea! This bitch is crazy! All she ever thought about was what she wanted out of the relationship.” He threw his hands up in the air in exasperation, then continued in a mock girls voice: “Oh, I just want to be with you, damn the complications, or your reservations. You wanna end our short relationship for good reasons? No, I think I’m in love with you, I’d rather kill myself to make you feel like shit. Oh, you're taking me back? I want to be vampire, fuck your moral codes! Oh, I wanna have sex despite that it might kill me, and that you’re not comfortable with it.” Celestia laughed a little less heartily at this, thinking that it was rather malicious, yet he took another big gulp of wine and continued with his exaggerated high voice: “You respect old fashioned customs of sex after marriage? No, if I get married, everyone will know how much I love you, and think I’m a skank.” He was obviously inebriated now, and had finished his third glass of wine in one last sip. “That’s enough, Edward, I get the point.” Celestia looked awkwardly around, noting that the few ponies in the mostly deserted cafe looking at them. “Oh no, you wanna know the worst thing about this bitch?” He slurred slightly at the last part. “Soon after getting married, the very first time we have sex, she gets pregnant. I didn’t want a kid, but nooooo. She forces me to keep it, she almost dies in the process, which then forces me to turn her into a vampire. So now I have to deal with her for all of eternity, as well as our freaky, halfling vampire baby. She already got us into a war with the fucking vampire Italian mafia within the first goddamned week or so! And don’t even get me started on what she named it, a ghetto-ass, hood rat could not have come up with something more stupid. God, I fucking hate her these days, acting all whimsical and thinking she’s the shit.” He looked away, scowling at nothing in particular and shaking his head. Celestia, in contrast, was staring at him with a mixture of shock and… well, she hadn’t gotten past the shock yet. “We? Married? Father?” Celestia sat up from her chair and slammed her front hooves onto the table, making hairline cracks appear. Her man whipped in the invisible solar winds and her horn glowed dangerously. He looked forlornly at his empty wine glass and then the equally empty bottle he had just finished off. “Tat wazn’t what I waz meenin to say.” “You... you! I pitied you!” She threw her words like daggers. “I thought you were a kind and caring nanny and took care of the child!” “Trust me, I am taking waayyy too much care of the child. I have to to keep her fucking godfather from suffocating her with his… love.” “How is cheating on your wife taking care of your child?” She asked, flabbergasted that he was taking this so nonchalantly. “Daddy needs to let off some steam, and mommy just isn't cutting it.” He smirked up at her and winked. She had had enough of this, and with great satisfaction, she lit her horn and promptly cracked it over his head. “What was that?” He reeled back in shock, more surprised than hurt, then clutched his head. “Aww-fuck!” “That,” she snapped, “was a drunken dropout spell!” She felt a cruel satisfaction when he groaned, head in hands. “You just skipped past drunkenness and into a hangover. Luna taught me it, after she used it on myself one too many times after being... well, you can probably guess.” At that moment, the strange device which he had put on the table in the beginning of the date began to buzz. She snatched it with her magic and looked at the screen, which said Incoming Call From Bella. The name had several hearts annoyingly attached after it. “Hah!” She turned it to face him and he stared back, mortified and still as a statue. “Your wife, I would guess, finally realizing where her husband is!” “No, you can’t!” He reached for it, but she kept it out of his reach with her magic. But he launched himself out of his seat in a surprisingly fast burst of speed, grabbing it too quick for her to move it, and hung it up. “Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit!” He scrolled through it, and tapped it, just as a little female voice began emanating from it. He stared at it like it was the voice of an angry god. Celestia leaned forward to listen in. “Edward! Alice told me she saw you fucking a magical pony princess tonight!” The voice became strained, like it was trying not to crack and cry. “How could you do this to me, to us, to Renesme!? She told me where you are now, I’m coming there and you better not leave!” “Oh god, oh god. I need to get out of here.” He sounded like he was going to be sick, but before he could make a quick getaway, a resounding crash shook the restaurant to it’s very foundation. Celestia whipped her head in time with Edward, only to be blinded as her sun was reflected traitorously into her eyes by a human shaped disco ball. The disco ball moved out of the direct sunlight and into the ambient light of the restaurant, taking the shape of a furious, unrealistically beautiful woman. Despite her beauty, and the fact that Celestia could feel the anger from across the room, her face held almost no emotion at all. It was as if the person was trying to convey extreme emotion, but they just didn’t know how to comply with the facial expressions instructed. “You cheating bastard,” she said it matter-of-factly. She stalked across the rubble strewn floor, the place now totally deserted of the fleeing ponies from before. “Oh, h-hey there, Bella!” He smiled crookedly, then winced and clutched his head, muttering, “You know, this really isn’t what it seems, I mean. Why don’t we go home, I can take a nap for once, and then we can calmly discuss this like immortal adults that look like teenagers?” His smile was strained and hers was slightly turned down. “Oh, you lost that privilege when you decided to fuck this horny, hooved home-wrecker!” “I was not going to fuck him!” Celestia trotted up to her, “I was going to tell you exactly what he was doing, which is completely immoral and illegal.” Celestia shot the vampire in question a venomous glare. “You smell like him.” The statement caught Celestia off guard, and when she looked at Bella, she hastily back up. She had faced Spirit of Chaos himself, her own deranged sister, cultists, maniacs, and other furious wives, but this woman looked utterly ferocious. Her face was contorted into a snarl, and she crouched like a tiger, waiting to pounce and tear her to messy, bloody shreds. Before the deranged vamp could pounce, the door was once again ignored as the wall adjacent exploded in a cloud of dust. Celestia and Edward coughed, while Bella instantly switched from snarling animal back to her one and only emotion: none. “Jacob, what are you doing here!” Bella shouted, staring at him with all the surprise a mannequin could have mustered. “You... you disgusting no good vampire!” Jacob yelled, stopping to pose in the doorway, flexing his biceps while pointing at the unfaithful husband. “How dare you cheat on the woman I—I mean, you love!” He switched positions, flexing his arms downwards and giving Edward a frown, and then he continued: “How could you do this, to the mother of your daughter, whom I completely love in a totally platonic way?” Edward put a hand over his face, making a noise halfway between a groan and a sigh. Celestia watched, confounded as the stranger casually ripped off his shirt, and then performed another ridiculous pose. “Oh, so it's this type of Twilight.” Celestia jumped nearly out of her skin when she found Luna beside her, casually sipping her soda and grinning at her sister. “Luna! This man is married! Again! What the hell?” Celestia asked, trying not to draw the attention from the trio; one of whom was still flexing his abs at the doorway, waiting patiently as a passing mare took his picture, drool hanging from her mouth and a lyre on her flank. The girl was making some weird breathing noise, and the unfaithful husband was slowly inching away. “Blame me not, dear sister, as I thought this man was Edward Hall.” Celestia looked at her blankly. “Edward Hall? Twilight zone? Seriously, how can you not know this?” Luna munched on popcorn that had appeared out of nowhere. “Whatever, for this date looks to be in great need of a Netflix binge tonight. But that is for later. For now, we watch.” She put the bag of popcorn in front of Celestia and returned her attention to her drink, and then to the scene before them. A grumbling, cream-colored mare freed the jacked mystery man from his vanity by pulling the gawking mare away. Jacob straightened up, and then swaggered through the hole in the wall and up to the table. He pulled Bella by the arm and she swooned in his strong, smooth grip. “Now, blood-sucker, what do you have to say for yourself?” Jacob said, slamming one hand on the table at the word 'blood-sucker' in unneeded emphasis. The effect was lost on the watching princesses however, for as he did it, one hip was thrust to the side, and a hand was placed on it. Leaning on the table with one hand on his hip and a leg crooked inward, he puffed his massive chest out to complete yet another over the top pose. “Hark, Tia!” Luna giggled into her sister’s ear. “For he is built like a minotaur, but preens like a peacock!” “Shhh!” Celestia watched in rapt attention as Edward stood, looking straight into the eyes of his opponent with vicious anger, which stood in stark contrast to the half closed eyes and slightly opened mouth from Jacob that was usually seen in male modeling magazines. “Jacob, for once, I completely understand your intentions, and that I am doing something wholly unethical, but will you stop with this fucking shirtless crap?” Edward yelled at him. “It’s bad enough that I know for a fact that you’re going to fuck my daughter the second that she’s legal, but do you have to pull this kind of crap whenever you go out in public?” Jacob pushed Edward in the chest with a snarl, with about the same effect as pushing a mountain. “It’s not my fault she’s jailba—er, that I imprinted on her, and I can’t help being so sexy!” He punctuated this statement with another pose, and looked at Edward, daring him to deny the sheer amount of man that he was. “Excuse me, how old is this child?” Celestia asked, her brow knitting in worry. Bella had been standing looking at the two men uselessly since being pulled out of the way, making little breathing noises every now and then. Now she snapped out of it and pushed the men roughly aside, taking a seat next to the two pony sisters in the booth. "Ohmygosh, my little Renesme is the sweetest thing, she’s not even a year old yet!” Her tone would have been one that Celestia would have associated with teenage girls talking about uninteresting gossip. Bella had completely forgot that she was here to pummel her cheating husband, and started looking for baby pictures on her pocket device, completely unaware that Luna had spit out her soda. Popcorn fell from Celestia’s mouth as her jaw hung as low as anatomically possible. From across the booth, Deadpool held up a sign with 8.5 on it. “Nice spit-take, Luna!” he said with genuine enthusiasm. Celestia ignored him, and pointed an accusing hoof at Jacob, who had taken his fall to the floor by Bella in a 'paint me like one of your French girls' poses. “YOU'RE—YOU... A-AN INFANT?” Celestia’s Canterlot voice shook the windows in her disgust, but she could not form the words properly. Jacob opened his mouth to speak, but Bella beat him to it, cutting off his undoubtedly guilty defense with her own. “Oh no, that would be intolerable. I am her mother, after all.” Bella beamed at Celestia with a twitch of her mouth. “She grew at a very abnormal rate, even when I was pregnant with her!” “How much could one child have grown in a single year?” Luna asked, remembering that she was not yet 'legal,' whatever that age was for humans. Edward groaned, facepalming once again. “She. Is. Still. A. Fucking. Toddler.” His hand left his face and he slammed both of them down at the table, glaring at Bella, “WHY ARE FUCKING OKAY WITH THIS? HE IS IN LOVE WITH OUR CHILD!” Although he yelled, he voice was desperate and pleading, obviously arguing a case he had somehow lost many times. “Edward,” Bella said, making a little breathing noise again. She then passed her phone to Luna and Celestia, who looked through the child’s pictures with Deadpool. “We’ve talked about this a million times. Jacob imprinted on Renesme, his love for her is all-consuming, obsessive, will never go away, and is completely platonic.” “Until she turns eighteen,” Jacob added from the floor, where he had rolled onto his back and was splayed out sensually, back-arched to accentuate his pecs. “Exactly,” Bella calmly explained, as she took back the phone from the sisters, whose faces were locked onto her with horror after seeing that her child was not only looked like a toddler, but was being held by Jacob in more than half of the pictures. “I know you don’t like that she doesn’t have a choice in this—" “There is literally so much wrong with everything you have been saying—why the absolute hell can’t you realize it?” Desperation and despair saturated his words, and Celestia and Luna soaked up the pure pitifulness that leaked from his sagged shoulders. When Edward tried to cut in, he looked exactly like a father should when discussing his child’s future with a man who already had plans to have sex with her. “Oh, you know I love Jacob in a completely platonic way—" Jacob took the opportunity to pose anew and Bella continued, “—and she’ll grow to love him. After all, he will be a constant figure in her life, never leaving her side for the rest of forever.” She idly scrolled through her phone again, and then handed it back to the even more horrified sisters. “Oh, and here I am holding her after she was born, look how big she already was!” Celestia resisted the urge to vomit into her dinner, as did Luna. The woman in the picture barely resembled the woman next to them, as she was pale, ugly, covered in blood and sweat, and looked like a terminal patient. In her arms was the child they had seen some shit in her short lifespan, bigger than any newborn had a right to be, and about to chomp on her mother's neck. “I-I think it’s about time we left. Luna?” Celestia asked. “I agree. It is most definitely time to depart, post haste.” Luna ruffled her wings restlessly, aware that Bella still sat between them and the exit. “Now wait just a second!” Jacob had risen from the floor and half sat on the table, pushing Edward aside, who looked like he would have been weeping if he didn’t lack tear ducts. Jacob leaned back on the table, supporting himself on his elbows. He then swung his head to the side, looking seductively over his shoulder. If he had long locks, instead of the manly buzz cut, his hair would have flipped fabulously and majestically. “I came here to defend my future mother-in-law and former not-really-girlfriend's honor, and I’m going to do just that.” He lay fully out on the table, which groaned under the weight of his muscles and struck another pose, this time emphasizing his biceps. This was performed right in front of Luna and Celestia, who were for the third time that night, shocked into silence. Deadpool swooned like a teenage girl, squealing in delight as his voice rose several octaves. “You could fry an egg on those hot abs!” He promptly fainted much like an over-dramatic white unicorn, sans the couch, however. “Now, which one of you ladies was this blood-sucking monster intending to assault?” For once his tone was serious, which was lost over the fact at that moment he decided to bounce his pecs. "He still needs to pay for his crimes, and you can best explain what exactly he was intending to do." Bella shot up from the booth, sparing both of them from answering, “Jacob, you're right!” She looked frantically around, suddenly regaining her fury and ability to contort her face into the most livid expression she could muster. Her mouth and eyebrows twitched down slightly. The tingle of a bell was heard, followed by a door closing. Jacob snapped up from his position and threw the curtained windows on the walls to the side, just in time to see a familiar shaped disco ball figure run by. “Edward!” The now sparkling Bella leapt over the table and Jacob, temporarily blinding the two sisters as she went through the window and after her fleeing husband. “My love!” Jacob paused and looked back at them. “Call me,” he said with a wink and a phone gesture to his ear, which he accompanied with one more bicep flex. As soon as he was out of the window and out of sight, they heard the sound of flesh ripping, barking, and several denizens of Canterlot screaming. Celestia and Luna just sat there for a moment more, trying to work their jaws into functioning again. “Isn’t he dreamy?” Deadpool had recovered from his swoon and had his head in his hands; he looked wistfully out the shattered window and into the beautiful day outside. He sighed at the sound of screaming in the distance, and then whispered reverently, “Team Jacob... Forever.” “I’ll go… rally the guard.” Luna got up, her eyes still wide, and walked through the hole in the wall, heading for the barracks. Celestia still held Bella’s phone with the horrifying pictures. She tried to tap the screen, but it didn’t respond to her golden slippers, or to her hooves. Deadpool had been the one scrolling through it last time. Although hesitant to snap him out of his daydreaming, she cleared her throat and he looked at her. “Oh, Tia! Was he not the most handsome, yummiest man you’ve ever laid eyes on?” He accompanied these disturbing words with a slight sway and hands clasped over his heart. “That’s definitely the most disturbing thing I’ve ever heard,” she said “But definitely he’s perfect for you. Could you show me how to use this?” She used her magic to gesture the phone in his direction, but he had gotten that far away look once again. “Do you really think so?” He leaned across the table just as she leaned away. “Uh... yeeaaahhh, you two would make a perfect couple, and if you show me how to use this, I’ll let you keep it. It might just have his number.” She wiggled it in his direction, and he snatched it and pressed the little button at the bottom. After holding it down, a voice suddenly came from the phone, making her jump. “Hello,” a voice with almost as little emotion as Bella asked, “what can I do for you today?” Celestia hesitated a moment, but Deadpool held it up and nodded expectantly, so she asked: “Please call Bella or Edward's family, it's an emergency. Someone needs to warn some parental guidance that their kid is hooking up with a shirtless man.” “Calling emergency contact, Jacob.” Celestia’s head fell against the table so hard, it cracked. She didn’t even bother to watch Deadpool make yet another hole in the wall, the phone still in his hand. "Team Jacob forever!"