You're not alone, you can hump me. You can hump the sky, you can hump the trees.
It was the smell of disinfectant that roused me, wafting in through my air filters like it owned the place, and I opened my eyes, instantly realizing that I was in a cliche. It wasn't even that bright, just average, the room lit by a magical lamp on the bedside table and sun streaming in through a window on the far wall. I thought it would be brighter. I wasn't sure how I got here, or what I was supposed to be doing, but I knew one thing for sure; I had to get out of here.
Though, while I couldn't complain about the light-levels, what I really could complain about was the pain. My whole body felt like it had been exploded, and if my recent memories were anything to go by, it likely had. Remember kids, explosions are only fun when it's other people getting exploded by them, and brush your teeth, too.
Unfortunately, despite how fun it would have been to lay in a strange bed all day in excruciating pain, I had other things on my to-do list. Like getting back to that halo party, for example. Mustering the full might of my halo muscles I pushed myself up into a sitting position, letting the sheet slide away in the process, causing me to gasp at what I saw below. White gauze was tightly wrapped around most of my body as though a giant-cloth-spider had had its way with me, and my arms and legs were covered in bulky casts that constricted movement of my fingers. The few spaces not covered looked blackened and burned. Yep, looks like the work of an explosion all right.
What's more, I had several wires attached seemingly randomly to my body with round little stickers. I followed their length with my eyes, seeing that they were connected to a beeping machine at the side of the bed. I'm not sure what sick purpose such things served, but this was getting a little too weird for my tastes. I'd woken up in plenty of strange, vile, Bungieless places in the past, like Mexico, for example, but this was too much.
Ignoring the burning pain in my limbs, and aches of my internal organs, I moved to the side, swinging my legs over the edge of the bed. I was gonna get the hell outa here before the bondage-enthusiast, or perhaps giant spider, that had wrapped me up came back. I didn't bother taking it slow as this was urgent. Besides, I'm like an expert on walking. I've been doing it for years!
I pushed up, trying to stand, only for my cast-coated feet to instantly lose traction on the slick, linoleum floor causing me to topple forward. Attempting to catch myself, I reached out one hand, but the cast prevented my fingers from splaying out into a proper palm, and all I accomplished was jamming my arm fingers-first into the floor, barely halting my plummet. Not a moment later the rest of my body made contact with the floor, my visor hitting it with a loud click. Next thing I knew, something heavy smashed into my back and the constant beeping stopped, replaced by an annoying, high-pitched tone.
It seemed it was gonna be one of those days. I groaned, both annoyed at the current situation and uncomfortable from the feeling of my organs hemorrhaging. Don't you just hate it when that happens? I sure do.
Unfortunately, my failed escape attempt seemed to have roused whatever vile entity called this retched place home, and the wooden door swung open. In rushed a pair of ponies, both looking frantic as their eyes turned to me. Thankfully, one was a super unicorn, and it used its ultra magic to lift the machine off my back and stop its constant flat-lining. The other one rushed over and tried to help me up. I quickly swatted the hoof away, not about to accept charity from this monster lest I be indebted to it. Besides, I may have been in a compromising position, but I still had my pride!
"Please, sir. You're wounded. We need to get you back into bed so your wounds can properly heal," begged the nearest pony, its voice sounding feminine.
I wasn't born yesterday, though, and I could spot a lie sifting through the air from a mile away with my hawk-like halo eyes. The texture and shape of those sound waves was easily-distinguishable, and I batted them away with my good arm, trying to keep them from planting their dark ideas in my ear-holes. Sitting in bed doesn't heal you, that's just freakin' stupid. How naive do they think I am?
"Keep your lies to yourself, pony," I ordered, carefully pushing myself up onto my knees so I was able to look down at her. "I'm not getting back in that smelly bed."
"But sir-" she tried to argue, but I wasn't having any of it.
"Nope, I'm outa here. Stand aside and let me leave, lest you incur my wrath." I tried to stand back up, but had to settle for a crouch as my legs felt wobbly and it was hard to balance with the casts on. I paid her no mind as she turned and ran out of the room. It seems she was taking my warning seriously, which is good, 'cuz I didn't want to have to smack a bitch.
The other pony, the unicorn one, stood in the corner a safe distance away, watching me as I tried to stand on my own. It was really tough, okay? I felt like I'd been run over by a boosting alien tank, and all these darn bandages weren't doing much to help. After literally minutes, I finally managed to push myself up all the way, using the bedpost as a support.
My monumental accomplishment didn't last long, however, and I had to take a seat on the edge of the bed to avoid falling over again. My energon levels seemed to be at an all time low and, needless to say, I didn't like it one bit. I've never felt this bad after getting injured before, but that might be because I always just respawned good as new a few seconds later.
I wasn't able to mentally debate the details for long as the first pony returned, this time trailed by Twilight, the purple one. She walked up right to the edge of the bed and looked me straight in the visor before speaking up. "Hello Halo man, it's good to see you're already awake. How are you feeling?"
I ran one hand across my crisp body, feeling the texture of my armor and gauze wrappings. "Pretty coarse, I guess."
She gave me a flat look, which I gave right back to her. "I meant how are you doing? Are you in pain?"
I shrugged. "I guess my organs feel like they're bleeding, and I think my body is coated in severe burns, but it's just like 'whatever', you know?" It's a little-known fact, but halos don't feel very much pain at all. We don't feel much of anything.
For whatever reason, Twilight's face scrunched up into a wince as I explained my condition. It looked like she ate a lemon. "Sorry about that, the doctors couldn't give you any pain medication without running some blood tests lest it do more harm than good, and they couldn't draw any blood without breaking open your armor. Managing to do so without hurting you would prove extremely difficult."
"Meh," I replied.
She looked me up and down for a moment before she decided to give a response. "I know you have a problem with authority, and that's perfectly fine," she added hastily, "but if you want to get better you'll have to listen to the hospital staff. They're experts and they can heal you."
Yeah right, I knew exactly what I needed to heal, and laying in bed wasn't it. Wait a second, 'hospital'? Why was I in a hospital? That's where sick old people went to die! I thought I was just in some horse's house or something. Then again, this could be a good thing. "Hey, are there any med kits laying around?"
Twilight looked at me, presumably in arousal as I'm pretty sexy, before looking back at the unicorn in the corner. "Of course, this is a hospital," the pony replied.
"Well go get me one," I ordered, apparently having to spell it out for him. He meandered across the room and opened a cupboard, pulling out a white and gray box with a little red plus sign on it.
"What could you possibly need this for?" he wondered, stupidly. "If you try to use it as a weapon we'll have to sedate you."
I rolled my eyes at that. What a stupid thing to say. "How am I supposed to use that as a weapon? It doesn't even have any bullets. Just give it to me so I can heal myself."
Of course ponies always had to make everything difficult, and instead of handing it over it seemed they just wanted to question me all day. "Your injuries are far too severe for anything in a basic medical kit to be of use. Why don't you just sit back and let the trained professionals who went to school for this sort of thing do their jobs," nagged Twilight as though she's my caretaker.
"Whatever MOM," I said, snickering at my own cleverness, "just give it to me so I can heal myself already."
The ponies shared a look, clearly intent on being frustratingly reluctant for seemingly no reason. Finally that other pony sighed, "alright, if it will get you to stop complaining." He levitated the med kit over and I quickly snatched it up, giving him an annoyed look.
"See, that wasn't so hard," I told them as I examined it. It looked in every way like a basic med kit to me, which was perfect.
"Are you happy now?" wondered Twilight aloud as she gestured for the nurse to come back into the room. "Now that you're awake we're gonna need you to answer some questions to better help us heal you."
"Pst, whatever, that's a dumb idea." Without wasting any more time I simply absorbed the health pack into my chest, instantly fully healing. "Yummy yummy, all better!" I laughed, jumping out of bed and doing a twirl for effect. Of course, I'd forgotten about the casts on my feet and I ended up falling face-first into the nightstand, but I'd rather pretend that that never happened.
Twilight gasped, perplexed for whatever reason as she watched me stand up and pull the bandages from my body. "B-but, you, how?" If I didn't know any better, I'd have thought she was a great, purple fish, what with all the gaping.
"What, you've never eaten a health pack before?" she looked at me like I was stupid, and I really didn't appreciate that. "I can't believe you ponies didn't know how to use health packs. Are you savages?" I wondered aloud, now getting dirty looks from the purple one.
"What you just did was not scientifically possible."
I couldn't help but laugh at that. "Screw science, I'm religious." With that said I ran giggling down the hall, feeling reborn as the pain in my extremities was all gone, and I sprinted out the main doorway and back into Equestria. Now to get back to that kick-ass party.