//------------------------------// // Chapter 3 // Story: Princess Luna's Suicide Solutions // by kudzuhaiku //------------------------------// Noctilucent carefully went down the stairs, not sure what to expect. Most of the building was below ground level, and it was delightfully cool. The thick adobe walls kept out the blistering rays of the sun. The stairs led to what had to be a playroom, and there was some sand on the floor near the stairs. The foals followed Holly into another room, a kitchen, and then stood around her waiting for frozen treats. Noctilucent stood in the doorway, feeling quite unsure of himself. The little donkey foal, Graves, lingered near Noctilucent’s hooves, looking as though he was going to die of boredom at any moment. “Savages, all of them,” Graves said in a low whisper. “And Sassy is the worst of them, she eats bugs,” he added in a disgusted whine. “Sassy?” replied Noctilucent. “The griffon. The horrible horrible griffon,” Graves answered. “You sound a little depressed or something,” Noctilucent admitted to the donkey, looking down at him. “I am surrounded by savages,” Graves retorted, looking up at the pegasus. “You sound smart,” Noctilucent said, eyeing Holly, who was pulling out a big box of frozen fruit and getting ready to serve it. “My IQ is higher than the average daily temperature,” sighed Graves. “I am smart enough to understand just how screwed I am growing up in this situation.” The donkey foal moved off to get himself a bowl of frozen fruit chunks. Feeling apprehensive, Noctilucent went and sat down at the table, looking around, feeling like a foal on their first day of school. “When your wing gets better, can you give me flying lessons?” Sassafras asked, sitting down next to Noctilucent. “I guess, if you get permission from Holly,” replied Noctilucent. “I hope you stay, Holly is all we have. Sometimes we get caretakers, but they don’t get paid, just get room and board and so they don’t stay long,” Sassafras said. Noctilucent was unable to read her facial features. A hard beak didn’t have many expressions. “I have no where else to go,” Noctilucent admitted. “Neither do we,” Sassafras replied, looking the pegasus in the eye. A bottle of ice cold soda was slid in front of Noctilucent, with a straw thoughtfully placed down the neck of the bottle. Holly smiled, looking pleased. A bowl of fruit was slid in place a moment later. He found his gaze drawn to Arroyo. The unicorn colt was pink. That had to be troublesome at times. He sipped from his straw, lost in thought, trying to take in everything around him. His thoughts were suddenly shattered by an operatic bullfrog singing an aria, the sound echoing from the adobe walls, and Noctilucent found his gaze drawn to Cactus Blossom. He found himself smiling even though he felt awful, and felt an odd sense of gratitude for Luna’s warnings about the foal. “Cactus! Say excuse me!” Holly cried, her voice indignant. “Eggs scuse meeee!” Cactus Blossom cried in a roaring belch. “Cactus! You little scamp! Stop that!” Holly begged. The downcast donkey foal heaved a sigh of ennui and allowed his head to collapse upon the table. He sat, his chin on the table, rolling his eyes and looking as though he truly hated life. “I am going to suffer an existential crisis any moment now,” he muttered. “What’s an exit dental crisis? Do your teeth runaway?” Arroyo asked. Graves flinched as though he was struck and said nothing. “This one time, Cactus borrowed Holly’s lipstick, and she put it on her plothole, because she wanted to find how much her plothole actually touched the floor, and then she went and left behind little red circles everywhere she sat,” Sassafras whispered behind her claw to Noctilucent, who sat horrified at what he was hearing. “Cactus didn’t tell Holly she used her lipstick though and put it back,” the griffon added, still whispering. “Candy Corn had to try and describe to her how much lipstick was on the floor. Poor Candy. Cactus does awful things to her and poor Candy is too kind and sweet to say no.” “Monstrous,” Graves said, his head still on the table. “A pity her mind has turned to pure evil. Cactus’ brain has gone horribly wrong.” A terrible thought occurred to Noctilucent. He was in over his head. “I don’t want my teeth running away,” Arroyo whined, looking very worried. “Arroyo, you’re stupid,” Sassafras snarked. “I am not Sassy! Featherbrain!” Arroyo retorted, sticking out his tongue. “Primitive screwhead!” Sassafras cried, throwing a chunk of frozen peach at the pink unicorn. “ENOUGH!” Holly cried, right as the peach projectile bounced off of Arroyo’s head, causing the colt to cry out. “Savages I tell you,” Graves muttered. “Exterminate all the brutes.” “What?” asked Arroyo, looking confused. “He said sumpin’ that rhymes with toots!” Cactus cried, leaning over and farting as she spoke, a dreadful squealing sound punctuating her words. Seeing tears in Holly’s eyes, Noctilucent acted. He pursed his lips and whistled loudly, the piercing sound instantly silencing every foal in the room, causing them to sit quietly and blink in shock. Little ears flickered in discomfort. “Thank you,” Holly said, sniffling. “They get a little rambunctious. They’re good foals though,” she added. “No we're not, were awful,” Candy Corn said, now sniffling herself. Noctilucent looked down, something was pressing up against his uninjured side. A pale grey colt was hiding his face against Noctilucent’s good wing. “Biscuit, right?” Noctilucent asked. The foal made no attempt to reply. “Sometimes I get a tiny bit carried away,” Cactus Blossom confessed. “Finish your snacks, and then it is naptime,” Holly said, causing the foals to groan in protest, except for Graves, who looked pleased. The room was small and bare. Noctilucent’s quarters were deep in the basement, a storage closet turned into a small bedroom. It was almost chilly down here. The air was cool and refreshing. There were no windows, not down this deep. The sleeping room was just down a short hall, and Holly’s room was nearby. He could hear Holly’s hooves approaching behind him and he turned. “I read the recommendation from the hospital and I was kind of touched. Spending all that time reading and spending time with sick little foals that are probably going to die. I don’t think I would be that strong,” Holly said, trying to engage Noctilucent in small talk. “I am not so sure that I was either,” Noctilucent admitted. “What do you mean?” Holly asked. “I quit for a reason. It got to me. It weighed on me. They kept dying. I’d go and then there would be a face I was hoping to see and it wouldn’t be there,” the pegasus answered, looking a bit morose as he spoke. “Yeah, but you went there, I don’t think I’d make it for the first visit. I don’t have that kind of courage,” Holly confessed. Holly paused, her ears perked, listening for sounds of trouble in the sleeping room. “I don’t see how you manage this,” Noctilucent said, shaking his head. “I was an orphan. I grew up in a place like this one. In Manehatten. I remember what it feels like having ponies give up on you. I came here to serve. I’ve given the best years of my life to these foals,” Holly said, smiling sadly. “I want what is best for them, I guess I don’t do much for myself,” she finished. “I guess somepony has to do it,” Noctilucent agreed. “The little tiny horseshoes on my backside say I was born to do this. At least, I think they do. Hard to tell. Meaning is what you make of it,” Holly announced, looking thoughtful. The words seemed somehow profound to Noctilucent, who found his mind suddenly swirling with ideas and notions, wondering what meaning he had for his own life, and his own cutie mark. He had no idea what his cutie mark meant. It simply showed up one day. No big event, no nothing. It was simply there. And he had no idea what had caused it to appear. And now, part of it was missing. His fire was gone. He had no idea what his mark even meant, how could he restore what was missing? He was going to have to spend some time thinking about this. “You alright?” Holly asked. “Sorry, I started thinking, forgive me,” Noctilucent asked. “So why did you choose to come here of all places?” Holly asked. Noctilucent froze mentally, unsure of how to answer. He willed the jammed gears of his brain to work again, trying to come up with a reasonable answer. He found none. “I made some mistakes that I need to atone for,” he answered, partial honestly giving merit to his words. “Mistakes happen, ponies will forgive you, the real trouble comes with forgiving yourself,” Holly said, looking thoughtful, and feeling happy to have another adult to speak to. Forgiveness didn’t seem possible for a number of Noctilucent’s actions, and he knew this. Or, he thought he did. He shivered in the cool air, and marveled at how well this building kept out the oppressive heat. “I am going to take this opportunity to take a nap myself,” Holly announced, yawning, which caused Noctilucent to yawn. She turned and disappeared into her quarters, leaving the door open. The curious stallion walked down the hall a short ways and peered into the foal’s common sleeping room. A few cots had been placed in the room, and in the corner, there was a pile of folded up cots should more foals arrive. The foals were asleep, or seemed to be, tucked under coarse grey blankets to keep out the chill in the air. A strange protective feeling settled over the pegasus, bringing with it a sense of comfort. He was a pegasus. This is what he was made to do. Stand watch. He quietly returned to his own quarters, stepping carefully on the shale tile floor. He slipped into his own bed, carefully so he wouldn’t bump his wing, and then rested his head on the pillow. Sleep came quickly. Noctilucent found himself in a vast green meadow. It seemed to stretch in all directions, a few trees offered points of interest against the horizon. He became aware that Princess Luna was standing next to him only after she had cleared her throat. “Settling in?” she asked, tilting her head to look at the startled pegasus. “I don’t know,” Noctilucent replied. “Well, you are napping,” Princess Luna pointed out, a faint hint of mirth in her tone and laughter in her eyes. “Cactus Blossom treating you well?” “She’s something,” Noctilucent admitted. “I love that foal dearly. She is very much as I was when I was young,” Princess Luna confessed, shaking her head slowly. “I find it amazing my sister had so much patience.” “What is wrong with Graves?” Noctilucent asked. “Nothing is wrong, exactly. He’s just a very depressed little donkey. Donkeys in general have a lot to be depressed about. They don’t have a homeland any longer, they live here in Equestria as refugees, and Graves is a bit more aware than most about his situation in life, poor thing,” Princess Luna explained. “So, I need to ask, why did you do this?” Noctilucent queried. Princess Luna did not reply. Instead, she stopped her hoof down, crushing a flower. It lay on the ground, wilted and ruined, crushed down and nearly destroyed. And then, as the night blue and dappled white pegasus watched, the flower was lifted back up with magic, smoothed out, life and vitality slowly restored. Afterwards, the flower looked no worse for wear. “That isn’t an answer,” Noctilucent said. “It is the only one you have at the moment,” Princess Luna retorted. “You want a better answer, go find one for yourself.” “I find myself hating you just a little for what you’ve done,” Noctilucent confessed. “Good, that is a healthy reaction. I want you to hold on to that. I want you to resent me and strive to work against me. I want you to desire to be free,” Princess Luna said, sitting down in the green grass and sniffing the now restored flower. “Funny, it looks more beautiful and smells even sweeter after enduring a little adversity.” “How long am I to remain as your bound servant?” Noctilucent asked. “You are free to go at any time,” Princess Luna said. “I no longer have the power to break your bonds. I surrendered that.” “I don’t understand,” Noctilucent said, slumping down as he too, sat down in the tall grass with the alicorn. “At this point, the only pony who can free you from the geas is you. If you want to be free, you must find a way to recover yourself. I no longer have the means to release you. It would be monstrous had I held on to that aspect,” Princess Luna said while watching butterfly. “But…” “Did you just call your Princess a butt?” Princess Luna asked, interrupting, moving her head close to Noctilucent’s and nearly bumping his snoot with her own. She stared at him for a moment, until he blinked and turned away. “You’re being so playful towards me, it is infuriating!” Noctilucent cried, unable to look her in the eye. “You keep being nice to me, feeding me ice chips, giving me water, finding a cup of butterscotch pudding because I had a craving, I feel so ashamed right now! I really want to hate you…” “You are free to hate me, but I don’t think it will help you,” Princess Luna offered, prodding at a bee with her hoof and trying to shoo it away from Noctilucent. “You still have an awful lot of freedom. You are free to save yourself. As soon as you find a way to break the geas, I will let you run free.” “How will I know?” Noctilucent said in a faint whine. “Because I will command you to eat your most hated food, strained carrots, and you will not obey,” Princess Luna replied, laughing as she did so. “So you cannot release me?” Noctilucent asked. “No. I cannot. For all of my power, I am powerless to do that. You are bound by a chain of your own creation. You have all the power over if you want to be free from it or not,” Princess Luna explained. After she finished speaking, she lowered her head and began to daintily nibble on some grass. “I am very confused and I don’t understand,” Noctilucent said. Princess Luna raised her head and smiled, revealing green teeth. “Stop trying to understand. For now, try to heal. Spend some time doing what you do well. Your wing is broken in a physical and metaphorical sense. Until you heal, you must be looked after and kept safe. You are safe now, and all of your needs are being met. You are in a good place to heal. When you can fly again, you are free to go my little baby bird, free to leave the nest, and I know that you will not tumble once more to the earth,” Princess Luna said. She leaned over and gently kissed Noctilucent on the cheek. “I have other little baby birds though, so if you wouldn’t mind, please look after your nest mates while you recover. Some of them are hurt so much worse than you are, and I fear for their lives come later. Think about the hurt you suffered so long ago, and how it has led you to where you are now,” she explained. Noctilucent started to reply, but an explosion of butterflies blasted him from the dreamscape and back into his own bed. He awoke, gasping a bit, feeling an odd sense of panic.