I HATE SNOW.
Why does it even need to happen? It sucks. Snow sucks. It sucks harder than the world’s most desperate/talented prostitute. It literally serves no purpose. It does nothing, absolutely nothing. I would know.
Fuck.
I hate cold nightdays, Booky. They aren’t even worth the effort. Fucking stupid. Oh and Carty agrees, trust me. He and I had a very intense amount of quality time as I cleaned up Ponyville (Again.). We spoke in-between my bouts of destroying snowponies.
At least I have my coco. I’m not very good at making it, but I…um…well, at least it exists. What counts is that I have something warm to drink as I cuddle into my blanket, of which I am profoundly proud of myself for acquiring.
Anysay, despite the ball chilling temperature I managed to bring in a decent amount of crap, which only proves how fucking stupid this town is. Even when there’s a thousand inches of snow outside ponies leave all kinds of crap just sitting around.
Without further adieu, let us proceed. My haul includes the most amazing box ever, yet another fucking book, a toy, a saddlebag, a horrid picture, a gaudy scarf (Gee, I wonder who it belongs to?), an awesome bookshelf, a…thing, and some idiotic jewelry.
BREAK-IT-DOWN!
First on the agenda is the book, cause, you know, why the fuck not? Yet again I’ve managed to find a book of respectable quality that (Obviously.) belongs to a certain librarian, so you know I’m gonna get a hefty sum for this thing. It’s called, “The Midnight Pearl” written by, get this, Starswirl the Bearded. I didn’t even know that old fuck wrote words. No clue what it’s about, though. I read a little bit of it and immediately woke up ten minutes later. Something about love or something. Perceived value: twenty bits, but I’ll mark it up to one hundred cause I’m a stinker.
Speaking (Can written words even count as spoken?) of silly words I like, this box is simply amazing. Booky, do you know what a donger is? I have absolutely no idea. Could it be something really stupid? Yes. Could it be something really cool? Yes. Is donger my new favorite word? Yes. The freaking box doesn’t even tell me anything! It’s just a simple white box with donger written on it! There’s no way I could possibly part with this thing. Perceived value: priceless, to me at least.
That somehow brings me to the saddlebag. You see, I found this thing near what was left of a snowpony. It looks like somepony just left this stupid thing in the snow or something. It had some stuff in it, too: a stupid picture (More on that in a moment.), some letters (More on those in a later moment.), the stupid piece of jewelry (More on that in another moment.), and a toy (More on that in one or two moments.).
Can you guess which retarded foal machine this saddlebag belonged too? Yup, the Derptard.
Anytray, the letters aren’t really valuable, so I’ll just read them in a second and then throw them away or something. Everything else can at least get me a bit for each. The saddlebag, however, will get me nothing. You see, it belongs to the raccoon now (More on that in a lot more moments.). Perceived value: priceless…to the raccoon…I guess…
Alright, the stupid picture is, as you might be able to guess, pretty stupid. I mean, why even bother taking a picture like this? It’s just the Derptard curled up by a hearth with her retarded daughter cuddled up against her. Just look, Booky, she looks so peaceful, happy, content, in love, and…just plain happy. The foal isn’t any better. Just look, she’s curling up against her mother and hugging tight enough to know she’s there yet loose enough to sleep soundly. It’s…um…it’s disgusting, yeah, disgusting! At least it has a nice frame, which I suppose is more than enough reason to keep this picture and put it by my bed or, you know, something like that. Perceived value: not quite priceless, but still without price…to me at least.
Along with that totally, um, stupid picture I found a stupid pendent. It’s just a simple piece of metal on a chain. Nothing special. The piece of metal is made to look like a muffin, which doesn’t surprise me in the least. What marks the price down a bit (Heh, see what I did there?) is that it has something engraved on the back of the muffin. It says, “A muffin for the best mommy ever.” Isn’t that great? Now no stallion in their right mind is gonna wanna buy this thing from the Nerd. Perceived value: fifty bits, but I’ll mark it up to one hundred bits cause I’m a stinker.
Now the toy is actually interesting. You see, it’s the latest in the new line of Wonderbolt figurines. This little thing has fully mobile wings that allow for imaginary simulated flight. Along with those it has a fully authentic (Though clearly synthetic.) mane and tail, no doubt meant to be brushed by some foal who wants their Wonderbolt to be presentable at all times. This particular figurine seems to bear the likeness of the famous captain of the Wonderbolts, Spitfire. Never say that sitting there listening to the Lesbian go on and on about those idiots didn’t pay off. Perceived value: sixty bits, but I’ll mark it up to one hundred bits cause I’m a stinker.
I’m very excited about this next find. I found this bookcase partially buried under a heap of snow and let me tell you, this thing is nice. It’s made of a very nice type of wood I don’t think I’ve seen before and is actually kinda wide considering how tall it is, but that only makes it better. It perfectly has three shelves, which means that it’ll go perfectly in my bathroom. Why do I need a bookshelf in my bathroom? Booky, it’s easier to ask how I COULDN’T need a bookshelf in there! It’s just perfect! Perceived value: priceless…to me at least.
The thing is a, uh, thing…hm…yeah. It looks like a rubber chicken with no feathers or bones, a coat, and a party hat. I have no clue what to even…what is this thing? Who would need a boneless rubber chicken in a coat and party hat? I mean, why? Why does this exist? Perceived value: ten…no…twenty? Uh, I’m gonna go ahead and say one hundred…cause…you know…stuff.
The last item on the docket is scarf that was obviously made by none other than Rarity. Can’t you tell? It’s covered in gaudy jewels, the fabric is the most annoying shade of light blue ever (Robins egg, I believe.), and it’s just plain tacky. Look, it even has white lining on it. This would look stunning on a bowtie-thingy, but no, she had to go and make a scarf. Disgusting. Perceived value: one hundred bits, but I’ll mark it up to two hundred bits, cause I’m a stinker.
Pretty nice finds if I must say so. The bookshelf is gonna look beautiful next to my tub. I’ve no clue what I’m gonna do with the donger box, though. Whatever I decide, however, it will look magnificent! As for the picture, I’m sure the frame will look nice next to my bed. Yep, the frame, I don’t even care about the picture.
Ah, yes, thank you for reminding me, Booky.
Now, these letters are very strange and I’m not quite sure what to make of them. Here, allow me to transcribe.
Dear Princess Celestia, (Oh goodie, I stole more of the royal bitch’s mail.)
I am writing to you as part of a school assignment (NERD!) and I wanted to ask you about what you think about the first day of Summer (Really? You have a chance to send a letter to fucking GODDESS of UNLIMITED POWER and you want to talk about the fucking weather? I’m sure you’ll go far in school.) and what it means to you to be the one who rises (Haha, way to fuck up in your letter to an ALLPOWERFUL GODDESS!) the sun. Does Princess Luna (Who?) like the sunrise? I like the sunrise a whole lot. I wanted to do my assignment on the sunrise and Miss Cheerilee (You know, Booky, I legitimately miss those flanks.) said I could! Diamond Tiara (Wait, what? What about that whore?) made fun of me (Not to defend her, but you probably deserved it, retard.) for wanting to do my assignment on the sunrise when she said her daddy’s business is much better. I do not think it is better. I like the sunrise. (Wow, just…wow.)
I want to also ask if there is anything you can do for my classmate Shimmer Shade (Her name is Vocem Non, retard.). She is in the hospital right now because she has two broken legs (Nothing compared to what that little whore Diamond Tiara has coming for her.). Shimmer Shade (Vocem Non.) is a very nice filly and I am really sad that she is hurt. Is there anything you can do to help her (That’s actually a really good question; there anything you gonna do to help, bitch?)
Your Biggest Fan,
Truffle Shuffle (Wait, Truffle wrote this? Hahahahaha, BIGGEST FAN! I GET IT! GOOD ONE!)
So yeah, there’s that. Nothing too important, just some fat colt’s homework, although it raises an interesting question.
Its stuff like these thoughts that make me hate that royal bitch even more. She literally moves the fucking sun with her fucking mind! Celestia has more than enough power to heal V up nice and quick and then repay cruel justice to Diamond Tiara! Why the fuck not, bitch? Too busy stuffing your fat fucking face? Or is it that I was right about you royal bitches? All talk and no game? Fuck them.
Alright, letter number two.
Dear Mommy and Daddy (Starting off strong.),
I’m doing really well in school (Another one? What’s with the Derptard and having foals’ letters?) right now, thank you for asking! Miss Cheerilee says I’m getting better every day! We’re doing an assignment right now about nature. Apple Bloom and Scootaloo want to do ours (Wait, Sweetie Belle?) on the nature of cutie marks (Don’t worry about those, they’re just a conspiracy perpetrated by Celestia’s tyrannical rule.)! As much I really want to help them with that, I kind of want to do my assignment on the weather of the Everfree.
I know you both don’t want us going back in there, especially after last time, but isn’t it really interesting that the weather there doesn’t act the same as the weather everywhere else (No.)? I’m not sure I’d get anywhere with any research, but I still think it’s really interesting! What do you two think? And no, Daddy (Ah, Magnum, it’s always good to think about that name.), I don’t wanna do my assignment on hoofball (Of fucking course he would want her to do her project on that! Fucking Magnum, he’s basically the very definition of masculine!).
Rarity’s doing really well too! She says her Winter line is going to sell really well! I’m really excited for her, too! She won’t let me help, though. I really want to! She does the coolest things! Wait until you see her Winter line, Mommy! You’re gonna love it!
Do you two know Mr. Ipsa Unica (Wait, me? Why me?)? He’s the stallion who cleans the streets at night here in Ponyville, if you didn’t know.
Did you know he’s a blank flank like us (Oh good, just what I wanted. Fuck you, bitch.)?? Apple Bloom really wants him to be a Crusader (NO.), but Scootaloo isn’t so sure (Least the stupid one has enough sense about her.). I’m not sure I know what to think of him.
Rarity tells me he’s really nice (Damn right I am.), but that he has a lot of issues to work through (I WHAT?!). What does that mean? Are his issues like the ones the stallions have in Rarity’s books (Hehe, if they’re books like I’m thinking of, then no, probably not. Though not for lack of trying.)? Do you two know?
I think I like him (WHAT?!). He’s really nice to my new friend Vocem Non, well, her name is Shimmer Shade (No it isn’t.), but she wants us to call by that name instead. He gave me Diamond Tiara’s tiara for my birthday! Still, he’s kinda strange (Damn right I am.), though. Twilight says we should give everypony the benefit of the doubt when it comes to friendship (The fuck would that Nerd know about friendship?). What do you two think?
Please bring me a souvenir from your cruise!
I love you, Mommy and Daddy!
Love,
Sweetie Belle
So…fucking plot twist right there. What are the odds the Derptard would have two letters basically talking about me in them?
Yo Derpy (Off to a charming start.),
Look, I wanted to say this the other day but I kinda got distracted and you were gone before I had a chance to say anything, so here; you should totally leave that guy alone (You’ve got to be fucking kidding me. Another letter that features me?). He’s got trouble written all over him (Wait, I do?). He creeped really hard on Tavi (Who or what the fuck is a Tavi and how the fuck did I ‘creep’ on it?). It got really scary.
In order to get rid of the guy she had to come out of the fucking closet (Tavi is Octavia? Why is Octavia friends with someone like this?)! This dude is not good news (Well fuck you too, sister.)!
I know you wanna see something else (Not very hard considering that she sees two different things all the time.) when you look at him, but there’s nothing there you need to have anything to do with, okay (Again, fuck you, bitch.)? If you’re that desperate for a relationship then you can come clubbing with me and I’ll hook you up with somepony (Sure you will.). He’s bad news, I’m serious (The fuck? What’s this bitch’s problem?).
Derpy, the last thing I wanna do is start an argument about this guy, so please don’t let this become an issue. If you’re so sure about how safe you are around him then fine, but think of Dinky! She shouldn’t have anything to do with him and neither should you (Hey bitch, the Derptard can make decisions for herself. If she wants to be with me then let her try and fail.).
So please, take my advice and drop the issue.
Don’t do something stupid.
Your Friend (Likely story.),
Vinyl
What the fuck? Why is this getting weird? First the fat fuck wants to ask about V to Celestia, then Sweetie Belle goes and asks her fucking parents about me, and then this Vinyl bitch decides to be a bitch to me.
First of all, Derpy’s love life is none of that whore’s business. Second of all, for all we know I could have a stroke right now that would leave me completely capable of returning romantic feelings towards the Derptard, so back the fuck off. Lastly, FUCK THAT BITCH! Whoever this Vinyl is can go ahead and have a miserable life.
Fuck.
Anygay, before I start dwelling on that bullcrap, I’d like to talk about the raccoon.
As I said, I took the raccoon out with me on my rounds earlier. Wasn’t difficult. I just kinda used a bucket to push the rodent into Carty. He wasn’t much different than V, ignoring the blood of course. A fact that only makes my decision all the more annoying.
I’ve decided that, against my better nature, I’m gonna let this thing live with us until it either dies or the snow goes away so I can get rid of it. That means it needs a temporary name. I’m thinking Cruento Latronis (Cause it’s funny.), but I’m really liking the idea of naming him Donger. What do you think?