A Very Happy and Sunny Life

by Wearin Hat


Just Another Mevening

This town. This fucking town. I’m getting really sick and really tired of it. I mean, come on, can they just not manage without me? Is it impossible for those idiots NOT to leave crap out in the street, ignoring the fucking snow? I believe that to be the case.

I’m (Not.) sorry, Booky, I’m just kind of upset right now. I mean, you saw it, right? How there’s just crap lying around in the snow? Even I don’t litter, which has more to do with me not wanting to pick my own crap up, I guess, but still, my point stands.

Booky, you see my scarf anywhere? It’s gonna be cold as a mighty fuck when I head out in a little bit to take care of the mess. Don’t worry, Carty has his scarf and hat on. I’m sure he’d appreciate the fact you cared enough to ask, though.

Wanna know what makes it worse (Of course you do.)? Some retarded foals have decided that it would be in their best interest to go around and make, like, a million snowponies everywhere. It’s really pathetic that they feel the need to do that. Back in my day, when I wanted to make a friend out of nothing, I would look in a fucking mirror and squint my damn eyes. Stupid foals and their stupidity.

No, Booky, that’s not my scarf. That’s…uh….I don’t know what that is. Looks kinda like a FUCKING CRAP! RUN BOOKY, IT’S A DAMN RACCOON!

Is it gone?

Booky, I’m not looking. You look.

Damn it, get your crap together and see if that…that…THING is still there!

Booky!

You know what? I’ll do it, but I swear I’m gonna fucking haunt you if this thing kills me.

FUCKING DAMN IT! THE DAMN THING TRIED TO GRAB ME!

Well, this is certainly a fine fucking pickle you’ve gotten us into. We’re stuck in my damn kitchen cause you won’t pony-up and kill that worthless thing. This is your fault, damn it.

How did it even get in here? It’s not like I leave the fucking door open or anything like that. Did you let that thing in here? Cause you’re dead if that’s the case.

Oh great, look, it’s decided to curl up in my fucking blanket. Just perfect. Damn thing has to go and steal my stuff. For fucks sake, it’s shaking! The damn thing’s getting fur all over my nice blanket!

You know what? No, that’s it, I’m not taking life’s crap anymore. Not today. I’m through being a whipping colt. This raccoon is gonna get it. From you. Now.

GO, YOU MAJESTIC WARRIOR!

I did it, Booky! After you failed to even hit the stupid thing I managed to hit it with one of my nice plates. Fuck yeah! Ipsa Unica, fucking beast slayer!

Now, what to do with this…corpse? Is it dead? Booky, is this thing dead? Don’t look at me, I wouldn’t know. I’ve only ever seen two dead things in my life (My Mom and my dreams.) and it doesn’t look like either of them.

Huh, maybe if I poke it…yep, fucker’s bleeding. All over my damn floor. You know, crap like this makes me IT’S ALIVE!

Well damn it! Now what? Fucking little…how do I handle this situation? And no, don’t you fucking dare tell me to treat it like I did V. She got special treatment. Also, I didn’t have a choice. Yes, Booky, I have a choice here. All I have to do is throw…it….um…outside…into fifty inches of snow. Huh.

Nope. Not doing it, Booky. You can’t convince me to care for that…hurt…little…is it crying? No, that’s not fair! Why’s it crying? Booky, make it stop! That’s not fair! It’s not allowed to cry! That’s not fucking fair!

Damn it, Booky, help me find a needle and some thread or something.