Tirek the Great, Tirek the Mighty, Tirek the Destroyer - all those and many more titles from creatures throughout the ages fit this dreadful abomination who was right now roaming the streets of Ponyville and sucking out the special traits of everypony he could get his hands on. He was forgetting one thing though - that 'special' didn't mean good in every circumstance.
He, the rightful ruler of Equestria, was stomping and cleaving his way through every powerless obstacle when he spotted a grey pegasus flying in strange patterns through the sky.
"I thought I got all of you, buzzing flies!"
"Delivery for... mister Tired, the Hulking Menace?" the pegasus took the letter from her mouth and tried to read the name she had slobbered all over.
"TIREK! IT'S TIREK! And yes, it's me."
"Got a package for you, sir," the pegasus fluttered her wings in front of Tirek's face, oblivious to the trail of destruction he was leaving behind him.
"Yes yes, I heard you the first time. Give it to me."
"Sure thing!" the pegasus focused one of her eyes on the letter while the other was still watching the Destroyer.
"That's a pretty useful talent, little pony. SOON it will be mine... along with the delivery of course."
"That's why I'm here. Derpy, mailmare extraordinaire! I just need you to sign here, here aaand here," Derpy pointed to a form she'd pulled out of her bag and was now making wet in her mouth.
"Eeerm, got a pen?" the Destroyer was getting nervous at why he couldn't just drain the pegasus like all the others but it was her eye, the gaze of doom, which was stopping him while... the other eye kept following his trail through the form.
"Of course," said Derpy cheerily and opened her mouth to pick one up leaving the form to drop to the ground.
Finally the deal was done. Tirek signed his name thirteen times on the dirty form and was ready to recieve his delivery.
"I can't read it," said the mailmare.
"WHAT?"
"It's all smudged, see?" she flew to his left horn holding the form once again in her mouth.
Tirek pulled her in front of his face.
"That's because you're drooling all over it!"
"AH! That must be it," Derpy pulled out a small box and hid away the form.
"Good," Tirek grabbed the pegasus and opened his mouth, "Now give me the power of your terrifying gaze! NOM NOM NOM!"
When the pegasus dropped to the ground Tirek tried to focus on the small package which was difficult because he was now able to see quite a larger part of his surroundings than before. Unfortunately for him the new two fields of view weren't really connected.
Tirek the Slightly Confused knew though that his new power of Death Gaze was worth it. He opened the box which had only a small strap of paper inside which read - Don't mess with chaos magic, noob.
Tirek was getting to grips with his newfound abiliy to keep watching the sky and the area in front of him at the same time when he spotted what looked like a black pegasus with very small wings holding a leash in her mouth that was connected to a choker on the neck of a bronze unicorn with unusually short horn. All he needed right now was a little snack and here he had an opportunity to grab some flight and magic at the same time.
"PATHETIC CREATURES! YOUR POWER WILL BE MINE!" he bellowed.
"We're down here, derpface," grinned the... pegasus? wearing a Ponyville Mental Asylum badge.
Tirek forced his head down. It seemed that his new skill would require some attention later and that while being able to see everything in front of him was an excellent talent his threatening visage was slightly spoiled when his target thought he was talking to the nearest tree.
"Aah, a batpony. With your power I might drain more than just their skills from ponies. I will take the life flowing in their veins! MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
The batpony focused her red eyes on Tirek's face, raised an eyebrow and revealed her short fangs.
"Little fangs mean I'm a fruit-eater, goat-boy."
"The true evil will find a way! NOM NOM NOM!"
Tirek the Totally Only Mango And Definitely Not Blood Craving noticed a tickling sensation on his leg, he looked up and cursed his sight again.
The bronze unicorn was punching his leg without any apparent effect and any desire to stop soon. The Doom of Equestria picked the unicorn up and held him to his face. When separated from Tirek's leg, the unicorn went limp and just began drooling on the hand holding him.
Tirek knew that the most powerful magic users went mad eventually and this was a one that had a vampire as his servant. He licked his lips and switched the hand holding the unicorn as it was getting unpleasantly wet.
"I know the true face of madness, mage! You will give your power to me!"
"NOM NOM NO-"
Tirek refocused his gaze again and spat out the pieces of a tree in his mouth. This time he tried to turn his head as left as possible.
"NOM NOM NOM!"
The unicorn dropped limply on the ground.
Tirek the Unsteady wobbled through Ponyville as suddenly some of his legs felt like they belonged to a different creature.
Yeah me! Tirek the Second.
"I am the one and only Great Lord Tirek-"
Nu uh.
"Uh huh!"
Nu uh!
"ENOUGH! I will- STOP THAT!"
Hey! I control one of the eyes!
Like a telescope, Tirek's left eye began turning around randomly in its socket.
And a hand! COOL!
A humongous hand ripped out a nearby tree from which someone had previously apparently taken a huge bite and began hitting Tirek's head with it. The failure of such plan became apparent quickly when the huge trunk became stuck on Tirek's horns.
Tirek the Lord Of Excrutiating Neck Pain tried to stop his stomach from revolving as his left eye kept turning around and a voice in his head kept going - Wheeeeeee. His miserable failure ensured him he needed a snack to replenish his energy and there was a humongous source of dark magic leaving what looked like a bakery right now.
He covered his crazy eye with one hand and looked at what looked like a huge, grey and muscular earthpony with long, flowing black mane. He was carrying a stack of small boxes smelling sweet and listening to a changeling drone chirping about everything in sight.
"Hey, Blackie, that guy's new," the changeling turned from the earthpony to Tirek, "Hello, mister. That trunk looks pretty cool. Oh, did something happen to your eye? There's a cool pace here that sells patch-"
As Tirek the Annoyed reached out with his free hand for the drone he felt a blow, this time one that actually hurt even his form overdosed on magic.
"Grawrrrrrrr!" the earthpony known as Blackie was standing in front the drone with a threatening expression.
"So much magic," laughed Tirek, "I will enjoy devouring you!"
"NOM NOM NOM!"
"NOM NOM NOM!"
"NOM NOM- WHAT IN TARTARUS?"
He kept eating, draining and sucking but the pony didn't budge. Tirek the Incredibly Full fell down on his side and his hand began punching him again.
I'll be in control soon, fatass!
"That doesn't look healthy, you might need to exercise a bit, mister goat," the changeling smiled at Tirek and resumed talking to the growling pony who didn't seem phased by Tirek's previous attempts at eating him.
Tirek the Low Self-Esteemed Due To Being Suddenly Fat was pulling himself with his hand on the ground. He was feeling sick due to the absurd amounts of dark magic he'd eaten a while ago and he was looking for something to wash away the foul taste.
Pff he was just looking for a triple Big Mac with XXXXL Hay fries.
He was also having problems with the uninvited guest in his head but he knew he would pull through. After all, he was Lord Tirek-
the Fake Because I Am The Real One Muahahaha!
There was a source of magic nearby in what looked like a spa. Tirek the Resolute wasn't going to let anything disrupt his feeding this time-
And he keeps saying it's genetics.
-and ripped off the roof which revealed a small hall with two earthponies and a unicorn positively glowing with magic in his opinion. The earthponies ran away immediately but the unicorn mare's jaw dropped when she looked at him.
"Gaze with awe on lord Tir-"
Tirek the Embarrassed suddenly realized what was the unicorn looking at.
"Lord, you say? And this well-endowed, you say? JACKPOT!" Starlight disappeared under his belly and Tirek felt himself being touched in places time itself had forgotten.
"NO! BAD UNICORN! THAT'S NOT FOR-"
"Oh don't be shy! I know exaaaaactly what this is for."
Both Tirek's eyes were in sync for a second as they rolled into the back of his head.
That feels pretty good. I say we stop trying to take over Equestria and just take this mare here back home.
"ALL MINE!" was the only thing Tirek the Fully Released heard from the madly cackling unicorn drifting away on the white river rolling over Ponyville before he passed out.
When Tirek came to the first thing he heard was the tapping of a hoof in front of his face.
"About time you woke up, look" said Discord.
The last thing Lord Tirek the Happy To Go Back To Tartarus saw was a huge beam of energy emanating from six ponies.
"Trying to steal my power, pfft," Discord grinned.