One Way

by jroddie


42: of Daleks and Chameleons

Chapter 42

Tickling Luna did not go as well as I thought it would for three reasons.
The platoon of Guards in front of her room with express orders to keep me out was the first major obstacle.
Evangeline was the second.
The third was Princess Celestia. Needless to say that she looked rather mad. I looked around at the forty guards in the now cramped hallway. The helm of Lieutenant Flick, a small brown unicorn, bobbed near the Princess. His second was nearby, a rather slender Pegasus mare with a dark green coat. Princess Celestia walked up to me, almost seething.
“Captain Shell,” She said rather stiffly, “It has come to my attention that you have held a meeting without telling me about it.”
“You could have asked me without the help of Lieutenant Flick. And what the hell, Evangeline?” I asked, somewhat outraged, leaning to look past the Princess at the stoic Numbered. She was holding one of her hooves at about shoulder level, admiring it.
“I’m bored.” She said coldly. I frowned, and turned back to the Princess.
“Walk with me, Captain. We need to talk.” She said, and walked off into the halls. I sighed and walked with her. We were a fair distance away from the platoon. I sighed, and entered the Flow. Apparently Flick wasn’t a total idiot. He had sent several unicorns under extremely powerful concealment spells to trail Celestia and I as we walked down the halls.
“Perhaps we should move our conversation to another venue, Princess. The walls have ears.” I whispered. She nodded, and I pushed open a door to a branching room of the hallway. I could feel the frustration of Flick’s spies as the door slid shut quietly. I smiled and turned to the room.
“Wow.” I said. Celestia nodded in agreement. I edged past her to look at it.
“Is it really what I think it is?” The pale princess asked.
“I think so...” I said, and I leaned forward to sniff it. It certainly smelled like it. It certainly looked like it. But it didn’t, at the same time.
“Why is it red?!” I asked to myself. I reached up to poke it. It certainly felt like one. Hard and unforgiving, with a slight boom of wood. I frowned. It was a complete mystery. There was a loud noise from the inside, like a gong. I tilted my head. I looked back at the Princess and a sound of drilling came from inside.
“What were you going to say?” I whispered
“I don’t think it matters much.” She whispered back. There was another noise, like the click click of a striker. Then there was a large whoosh noise. I cleared my throat and listened harder. I had my ear up against the door and was listening intently when the door opened. I skittered away as fast as I could, and I stood up in a rather flustered way. There was a pony standing at the door of the red tardis, wearing an untied leather apron over his neck, a pony rig for a lit acetylene torch bolted to one hoof, and a metal welding mask. The pony was breathing rather loudly. He reached up with the torch arm and pushed his mask up.
“Edwin!” He said cheerfully. I was taken aback.
“D-Doctor?” I said haltingly.
“Quick! Get in the Tardis! No time to explain!” He said, rushing out to push me in.
“Doctor, what’s going on, I don’t-”
“I will set your tail on fire if you don’t hurry.” He said, gesturing with his torch hoof. I noticed that he had some rubber tubes that were snaking up to some tanks on his back. “Go on! Go!” He said, pointing the fire at me. I am of the opinion that nopony appreciates a singed ass, so I hurried on inside. The Tardis looked very different. There was some large metal container somewhat peeled apart near the top, standing near the Console. There was an extreme number of cables and cords hooked up to it, leading to a console wedge. The bottom of it was somewhat sloping, with fair sized hemispheres dotting the panels there in regular intervals. I looked up at it. It was a little bit taller than I was.
“Get away from my exosuit!” A halting, almost robotic voice said. I looked all around to see what it was. I looked down at my hooves.
“No way.” I said in disbelief. There was a little octopus looking thing in a little jar next to the metal container. I was surprised that it had the ability to speak. I leaned down to look it in its fat eyes.
“You’re really ugly, you know that?” I asked. The ugly thing blinked.
“We are made to be efficient!” the thing said, his gigantic brain throbbing with rage. I laughed.
“He’s pretty mad, you know. He doesn’t like me in his Archives. And I can’t figure out how to get the bugger out of his voice circuitry!” The Doctor said angrily, entering the Tardis. He seemed to sprint, nearly leaping onto his console. He was pushing buttons two wedges over. I looked on at the Doctor.
“So what is this thing?” I asked. The Doctor snorted.
“It’s a Dalek.”
“A who?”
“It’s not a who, it’s a what. Daleks aren’t people. They don’t even have emotions. That little thing in that jar, it’s a Dalek. That big metal thing, it’s a polycarbonate exosuit that the Dalek is dependent on for violent survival.” The Doctor said, detached. I turned back to the Dalek.
“Does it have a name?” I asked. The Doctor scoffed.
“It hasn’t told me anything yet. But there aren’t any more where he came from. He probably just got the wrong end of a temporal shift.” The Doctor said. I kept looking at the little blob.
“I could kill a dozen of them.”
“You couldn’t.”
“What do you mean? He looks like an octopus. They might even taste good.” I said, looking at the thing. He throbbed and squeaked a little bit. “Have you ever eaten one?” I asked.
“No. Besides, I don’t think that you can eat one. We are ponies, after all.”
“We should cook him.” I said, tapping the glass of the jar. The Dalek thrashed his tentacles a little bit, moving to the opposite side of the jar. “Where do you get all of these big jars, anyways?” I asked.
“There’s a shop in Salt Lick City that sells them.”
“How many do you have?”
“Around three thousand in my stores.”
“They must love you.”
“I have a card. Two free jars when I buy twelve.”
“You’ll run them out of business.”
“With as much money that I give them, they better be around for the next million years.” He said seriously. There was a long, drawn out pause.
“So what are you doing with this Dalek thing, anyways?” I asked. The Doctor grinned.
“I’m using the trace elements in his exosuit to try and rebuild my Chameleon circuit.” The Doctor said enthusiastically. I was at a loss.
“What?” I said flatly. The Doctor sighed, and pulled a lever. The wooshy noise of the Tardis moving was interrupted by his explanation.
“You know how the Tardis looks like a big phone booth, right?” He said simply.
“Yeah.”
“Well, It looks like that because the Chameleon circuit is broken. You see, when a fully operational Tardis arrives in a certain place and time, a technician would activate the Chameleon circuit to disguise the Tardis according to its surroundings. Well, the circuit in my Tardis was jammed long before I owned it. It was actually in a museum because of it, people thought it was funny.”
“A heartwarming tale.” I said sarcastically.
“Oh, it is! Because if I can fix the circuit, even for a single transposition, I can use it to enter Cloudsdale entirely undetected! We could enter the city without raising the alarm!” He said. I suddenly understood.
“That would be an immense help, Doctor.” I said. The Doctor nodded. “By the way, why did you get me out of there in such a hurry?”
“You were going to be assassinated.” The Doctor said offhandedly. I looked back up from the Dalek.
“Excuse me?”
“A crack team of about, oh, seven? Yes, seven Angelics were going to assassinate you as you were walking off with Princess Celestia. Rather bloody death, wanted to send a message. Open the door.” The Doctor said in his detached manner, walking back over to the Dalek exosuit. He flipped down his welding mask and went to work at it. There was a crackling noise and the Dalek started squeaking like a mouse.
“Finally!” The Doctor said, his mask muffling his exclamation. I opened the door.
“No way.” I said, breathless. We were in the Sigmus system, but not on a single planet. We were in space. The brilliant stars of Septimus and Culaan burned brilliantly in front of me, turning around each other slowly. I was nearly blinded.
“Doctor.”
“Yes, I know. Help me with this jar.” The Doctor said, his tone strained. I turned to see him trying to lift the jar with the Dalek in it. I grabbed the jar with magic without moving from my spot in front of the door.
“What do you want me to do with it?” I asked. The Doctor coughed.
“Just set it over there with you.” He said. I levitated the disgusting creature over to me and set it down on the doormat. It squeaked a little bit. The Doctor rushed up to me. He had something that looked like a clear ashtray in his mouth. It took me a moment to realize that it was the lid for the jar. The Doctor placed it on the top of the jar. It sealed with a slight hiss. The Doctor’s visage grew serious.
“Nameless Dalek.” The Doctor said coldly. The Dalek started to squeak.
“Your existence in this dimension is in violation of the laws enacted by the Shadow Proclamation against intraspecies genocide. What do you have to say to these charges?” He said slowly, making sure the Dalek understood. I had the feeling that he did, because the Dalek started to squeak and writhe even more.
“Your testimony is touching, if not true. I consign you to the void of space so that the rest of the universe may live in peace.” The Doctor said again, pushing the jar with one of his forehooves out of the Tardis door. It toppled silently, end over end, out into space.
“Is that jar airtight?” I asked. The Doctor looked out emotionlessly at the jar as it tumbled.
“No.” The Doctor said. His simple statement was punctuated by the Dalek inside of the jar exploding rather forcefully about twenty yards away from the Tardis. The Doctor reached out to close the door.
“I’ve always hated them.” He said, and he walked back to his console. He flopped onto a loveseat with various controls on the arms. He sighed heavily.
“Edwin, please do me a very big favor.” The Doctor said, slumped on his couch with his leather apron and gas tanks still on.
“You aren’t really my type, Doctor.” I said jokingly. The Doctor ignored me.
“Man the console and activate preset plural three.” He droned. I nodded and turned to the console.
“Hello Tardis.”
Hello, Captain Shell.” The Tardis said in a light voice.
“Activate destination preset plural three, then give me a readout.” I said in an authoritative voice.
Monitor preference?” The Tardis inquired innocently.
“Closest.” I said. Almost immediately a monitor popped out on a metal arm, reaching over so I could get a good look at it, to show me where I was going. It seemed to be a place in Equestria, and I tried to interpret the esoteric nature of the Tardis’ display to find out more.
“Where exactly is this, Doctor?”
“Push the lever and find out.” He said through his face in the couch cushions. I frowned. I read the coordinates of the destination.
“For the latitude and longitude of this destination, this coordinate is underground.”
“Trust me, Edwin. I’m a Doctor.” He said, not getting up from the sofa. I felt slightly annoyed. I knew that the Tardis wouldn’t let me transpose into solid rock, so I trusted it and pushed the lever. I looked up at the pillar above the console as it shone. I smiled slightly. I could go anywhere I wanted to. Literally, the entire universe was mine. When I stand in front of that console, I own everything that exists. I smiled as the Tardis transposed itself. I cleared my throat, and then I walked over to the door.
“Are you coming with me, Doctor?” I asked as I passed his couch. He grunted and waved a hoof at me.
“No. I’m checking in to a spa.” He said in an extremely tired manner. I chuckled and opened the door of the Tardis.
“Wow.” I said. Ponies were milling about, doing all kinds of things. Most of it looked like clerical work. The only pony who wasn’t doing something office-like was a big maroon pony in the middle of the room, sitting and looking at the Tardis. He had a very strange contraption on his right foreleg that looked like a big metal sleeve. It ended near his leg-wrist, and I scolded myself for not knowing the proper terms for pony anatomy. I squinted. This was the Pegasus that had volunteered his guards for the assault on Cloudsdale. I walked out of the Tardis and walked up to the pony.
“Lieutenant?” I inquired warily.
“Captain. Come with me.” He said, turning from me and walking through an entryway. I followed him in a rather shy manner, trying not to be noticed. Much to my luck, I was not noticed.
Many of the ponies were just way too busy to notice a deathly pale earth pony that just walked out of a big blue box that just appeared a few seconds earlier. The Lieutenant I was following gestured to another guard near the corner of the room to take up his position in the middle. I followed the maroon hulk through a small stone hallway, which was lit rather well due to a few oil lamps.
“So, Lieutenant...” I trailed off, not knowing his name.
“Lieutenant Flint, sir.”
“Flint?” I asked. He nodded.
“My parents weren’t the most creative ponies when it came to names.” He said, rather abashed.
I had a turtle named Flint once. He liked to eat lettuce.” I said.
“I like to eat lettuce too.” He joked. I smiled.
“So, where are you taking me, Lieutenant Flint?” I inquired. Flint coughed.
“The Princesses wish to see you about your upcoming battle for Cloudsdale.” He said cautiously.
“To wish me good luck, I suppose?” I said sarcastically.
“Probably not.”