Ya know, out of all the times in my life ah’ve never been made so speechless as right now.
Okay, not totally speechless, but ah mean what ah say an’ ah say what ah mean.
Ah knew this day was a comin’. Ah ain’t stupid. Ah may not be as flamboyant as Rarity and show off my looks, but ah know ah catch the eye of a few stallions. Caught some of ‘em with my hoof too when they got too frisky.
It just…was so out there that Discord would be the fella to want to court me. Ah’ve seen a lot of things that were just so strange to me…Most of them involvin’ Discord.
Ah’m not as flabbergasted about this as before.
But still, courtin’ me? Ah thought ah was the last mare he’d pick. Too plain; to simple. But nope, lucky for me he’s nuttier then a squirrel so of course he asks me. Ah got ta put a stop to this crazy train ‘fore it goes off tracks. Which might be in the next few seconds.
“Do I have to repeat myself?” Discord rolled his eyes. He held up signs fer each of the next words. “I! Wish! To! Court! Applejack!”
“Ah got that,” Ah told him. Just bein’ this close to the walking disaster was givin’ me a headache. “But what in Equestria makes you think ah want that?”
Ah could tell by the growin’ smirk on his face that ah wasn’t going ta like his answer. Puttin’ his eagle finger under mah chin, he lifted me up to meet his gaze. His face was a close ta my own. “Oh Applejack, don’t lie to me. I know you better than that.”
Ah couldn’t but blush at the closeness…Ah didn’t like it one bit, but it was might embarrassin’ of him to be doin’ it in front of my family. Scowlin’ mighty fierce, ah snorted. “Ya don’t know me period, ‘cause ah ain’t no liar.”
Thankfully, he took his finger away from me as he chuckled. “I know you’re too shy to admit your infatuation with me.”
“Ah don’t have an infatuation with ya,” My glare would have pierced his hide if it could.
“Yeah,” Apple Bloom spoke up. She frowned and then looked at me. “What does ‘infatuation’ mean?”
Before ah could answer, Discord wrapped an arm around me and pulled me out of mah chair. “It means that lil’ Applejack has a soft spot for mean ol’ Discord.” He pinched my cheek and cooed. Ah really wished ah was on the ground. Ah’d have bucked him in his crown jewels. “If only she would stop being all tsuntsun.”
Continuin’ to glare, I spoke up “Big Mac?”
“Eyup,” my brother pushed the chair back an’ got up.
Discord let go and let me drop to the ground. ‘Real nice thing to do to the mare ya want to court.’ I thought to myself as ah tried to ignore the pain in my rump.
Discord backed up slightly with a nervous grin. The big sweat drop on his head was a tad distractin’. Ah honestly like that look on him. ‘Feels nice to see him back up against a corner fer once.’ “Now let’s not get hasty here. I meant no harm.”
“Nah, ya just wanted to mess with me,” Ah snorted. Ah wasn’t feelin’ like dealin’ with the varmint and his bag of tricks.
Frownin’, he crossed his arms. “I didn’t come here to bug you…much.”
“AH-HA!” Ah pointed my hoof at him in victory. “Ah knew it.”
“But I really did come here to court you.”
“Say what?” My sense of victory was gone in a flash.
Discord grumbled. “Do I have to keep repeating myself? Or…”Discord smiled at me.
‘Ah don’t like where this is goin’.’ Ah started ta sweat. “Or what?”
Discord raised one of his hands and prepared his infamous ‘snap’. “We can skip the courting altogether.”
Both me and him vanished an’ not to soon appeared in some small buildin’. Ah couldn’t help but look around to check where that blasted spirit took me to. ‘Kind of looks like a church…Dear Celestia no.’ My eyes widened in fear.
Ah was dressed in one of them fancy tuxedos, all neat an’ proper for a weddin’. A young preacher, with several gold teeth and wearin’ a rather sloppy tuxedo, smiled at me. The kind of smile that made ya just want to punch him. Not as much as ah wanted to punch Discord, but still quite a bit of hate.
The place reeked of alcohol an’, if ah was correct, the preacher hadn’t bathed in weeks. ‘An’ people call me filthy.’ Ah snorted.
But ya know what the worst thing was?
The worst thing was eyeing Discord and my eyes nearly popped out of my skull an’ my jaw went slack. There stood the god of chaos in all his glory…wearin’ a white weddin’ dress.
“Are you ready, Applejack-chan?” Discord tilted his head cutely and fluttered his now girlish eyelashes.
Ah could feel the heat rushin’ ta my cheeks. Out of all his antics, this was the last thing ah ever thought or wanted ta see. ‘Well, he kind of looks cute.’
“We are gathered here today to join these two lovebirds in holy matrimony,” The preacher read from a small yellow book in his hooves. His voice was nasally and extremely whiny. ‘Which just makes me want ta punch him that much more.’
Discord huffed in agitation and moved his tail over to the book. Turnin’ the pages, he said “I think you can skip ahead just a bit. I don’t think my beloved wants to be here that long.”
Ah shook my head to wake me up from the daze ah was in. Stompin’ mah hoof in anger, I shouted “DISCORD!”
The preacher fell backwards in surprise and Discord chuckled. “Yes, my dear Applejack?”
“Take me back.”
Frownin’, he looked at me curiously. “Why ever would you want that? We haven’t even…”
“Ah don’t want ta deal with your games right now, Discord.”
“Games? I assure you, this is no game…” He tapped his chin. “But it would make for an excellent one, now that I think about it. ‘Random weddings’. Good title. I think I might use it.”
Ah couldn’t believe he was just ramblin’ on ‘bout nothin’. He wasn’t takin’ this seriously and that was pissin’ me off. ‘If ah can get a little closer, ah’m sure ah can get in a good buck before he can react.’ “Discord, listen to me.”
Discord then turned himself into a flying ear. “I’m all ear, my dear Applejack.” His eyes an’ mouth could still be seen and they shown with mirth.
Ah had to put a hoof to my head, rubbing it to sooth the headache ah was getting’. ‘Calm breaths, Applejack. Calm breaths.’ Puttin’ my hoof back down, ah looked at him with determination. “Take me back.”
Frownin’, he turned back into his regular self. “Why? We haven’t even wed yet?...Or do you ponies do something else before the wedding? I apologize, this is a kind of new for me.”
“What in landsakes did ya get this idea to court me anyways?” Ah asked him.
Discord pulled an’ apple out from behind his back. “This, my dear Applejack.”
Ah raised an eyebrow. “An apple?”
Discord nodded. “An apple. That’s what made me realize my true feelings and led me down the road to matrimony.”
Now Ah’ve heard of apples changin’ ponies lives. Ah’ve seen the joy an’ happiness they bring. Hay, my ancestor, Isaac Neighton, discovered gravity thanks to an apple. But this….
“That’s still not a reason to marry me. Nor does it make me want to marry you.”
Discord gasped somethin’ fierce. Kind of reminded me of Rarity for a second. “Applejack, what more of a reason to marry me, then me?”
Flashin’ again, we were in a different place all together. We were by a rocky shore an’ my back was to a large rock. The waves crashed against the other rocks around, throwin’ up droplets of water my way. Ah also noticed ah was in a rather form fittin’ red dress which made me blush. Ah’m not the type for such dress-wear.
Mah tormentor, Discord, appeared in a white, somewhat unbuttoned shirt, brown pants, and his mane flew in a non-existant wind. He gave his best ‘seductive’ gaze. “My charisma and good looks are things the ladies adore. You should be honored.”
‘Honored? HONORED?!!’ Ah had it up to here with that no good spirit. “There isn’t going to be a weddin’. Now take me back home.”
Ah may have said that a bit too harshly, ‘cause he seemed a tad bit hurt by that. ‘It shouldn’t be surprisin’ to him. He just threw this all on me out of nowhere.’
“As you wish,” he said ‘fore we were back in my kitchen. “I still don’t…YEOW!” Discord pulled his tail close to his body, attemptin’ to keep it safe. Apparently, Granny Smith had tried to crush it with her cane.
Ah couldn’t help but chuckle as Granny started to talk to him. “Ya nasty, good fer nothin’, varmint. Bargin’ into our home an’ takin’ Applejack like that is disrespectful and just plain rude. Ya should be ashamed of yerself.”
“I am the god of chaos,” Discord said, sendin’ her a small glare. Ah hated to see him do that. Granny deserved none of that ire. “I can do what I want, when I want. And I want Applejack.”
“Ya can’t have her,” Granny’s glare was much fiercer than Discords’. Ah didn’t like bein’ talked about like this. Like somethin’ ya can just give or take. Ah’m Applejack, not a lamp. “Ah ain’t welcomin’ a…whatever ya are into my family, especially with those nasty manners of yers.”
“Nasty manners?” Discord growled an’ snapped his fingers. He was dressed in a frilly dress suit, with a cane, top hat, an’s monocle. “I am full manner and class. I was the one who defined it several eons ago, if I do recall.”
Granny snorted. “An’ yer a liar ta boot. Get out, or ah’ll turn my cane on yer sorry hide. Celestia knows ya need a good thrashin’.”
Discord loomed over her, but Granny didn’t flinch. She’s a hard mare an’ the likes of Discord don’t scare her none. He lowered his gaze to her level. “I’d like to see you try.”
Ah quickly got in between the two ‘fore somepony did somethin’ they’d regret. “Calm down ya two. This isn’t somethin’ to fight over.”
“Oh, I believe it is something to fight over.” Discord announced. He pointed his cane at me. “I swear to you, my dear Applejack. I will have you if it’s the last thing I do.” Ah was surprised ta see the determination in his gaze. An’ then he was gone in a flash.
“Good riddance,” Granny snorted.
Him bein’ gone didn’t make me feel any better. Actually, ah felt worried sick. ‘What’s this game he’s playin’ at now? Actin’ like this…An’ why did he look kind of hurt when ah refused him?’ Ah remembered his last look. If he had his heart set on somethin’, he wasn’t gonna give up that easily…Kind of reminded me of me…’Cept, without my good ol’ Apple manners.
Ah decided to push him out of my mind an’ get back ta my lunch. Discord was somethin’ ah could try and manage later. Fer now, I had a growlin’ stomach to quiet.
“Is Mister Discord gonna really court ya, big sis?” Apple Bloom spoke up.
Ah chuckled. “He can try, Apple Bloom…He can try.”