"Worried 'bout them, your dudeness?" Lyra purred from where she lay on my left armrest, finishing off an apple with relish. She gave me a knowing look, one that suggested she probably knew more than she let on.
"About the A-who-is-shot followers? Oh, no, why should I be?" I shrugged, regarding the festivities, now in full swing as the ponies allowed the food and drink to wash away the day's fears and worries. "I'm more worried about what will happen when everyone tries the flea powder. I think we should keep some of the boner-killer rounds handy just in case. Where do you think those are supposed to be fired into anyway?"
"You're worried. 'Bout all of us. I can see that." She said, flatly, swatting aside my nonsensical rambling.
"Oh, something about my impenetrable poker face somehow leaking my aching bleeding heart?" I grinned back, though a little guardedly. "I tell you, you don't wanna play strip poker against me. The only thing I part with is my pants, and that's only because the frisky thing quite literally flies off. I have no control over it sometimes."
"Your hair sticks out more. You steeple your fingers together just like that. Oh, and you run your mouth quite a bit...not that I don't like it." She smiled. "You're worried." She concluded, steepling her own hooves together with a click, as if completing a neat little maths equation. So, she probably does know more than she lets on. She's also probably a stalker, my little stalker. And that's kinda ho-...creepy. "You're worried she will turn us all back to Ahuizotl followers, yep."
".....It is everyone's freedom to choose what to believe in." I muttered, not really believing my own words, much to my own personal annoyance. Darnit, I'm not a tyrant, go buck yourself messiah complex. "Even if their choice of faiths involves believing in a genocidal turdball with a shit list that makes the Great Wall of China look like the world's oldest bookmark. Heck, I'm a dude who believes in bubble wrap, rock'n'roll, hot wild sex and river dancing, sometimes at the same time. Who am I to judge?"
"You don't really think that." She smirked. Now, don't go all Crystal Heart on me, Lyra.
"I don't need to read your mind like Ms. Heart does. You're an open book to me, my dearest Master, and I can't even read." She chuckled. Dammit, Lyra. "You're one of the kindest souls to ever grace Equus. Not even our own would help us marked ones out of fear, let alone put a roof over our heads and feed us. But you, you've not only gone and saved us, you've gone and given the divine bigwig of this joint the hoof." 'The Hoof'? Suddenly I felt a twang of pity for these poor creatures. With hooves and no fingers their selection of rude gestures must be quite limited. "Yes, you don't know how useful it is to be able to just give a 'finger' instead of a 'hoof'. Oh the number of wars that has started...." She must have noticed me eye her hooves. I certainly do not need another mind-reader on my case, lest my mind devolve into daily mental orgies.
Wait, she knows about the 'finger'? How does she...? But before I could ask that she had continued, "I'm only afraid..." She sighed, looking back at the throne room, at the gathered ponies, "That the likes of Ms. Dis Lee will take advantage of your kindness, your dudeness. You're gonna let her stay here, let her be the timberwolf in your flock. You're gonna let her speak her mind and poison those of your herd. And be honest, your dudeness, you don't want any of that, but your wonderfully kind conscience won't let you make the hard choices. You're torn between safeguarding your chosen and safeguarding their freedoms. And now you're afraid that makes you a bad leader."
I stared at her, wide-eyed. She smiled back at me, mysteriously. "So, when do you break out the ink blot tests?" I raised an eyebrow. "Cause I'll tell you now before we start, the first still looks like a hot babe covered in hot chocolate mousse to me. So does the second."
"Teehee. I don't need those. I have my own Overdude-sense, yep." She tapped her own temple, confirming to me beyond any doubt that my little stalker was a shrink to be reckoned with. "It tells me everything about you, your dudeness. Now, allow me to offer you two reassurances. Firstly, we ponies aren't so foalish as to turn our backs on freedom and good food for a certain, prolonged and excruciating death. So no, we won't be flocking to Ms. Dis Lee in droves." She gave me another comforting pat on my knee as she leaned in close to me, almost conspiratorially, "The second reassurance, my dearest master, is this; You have me, your humble servant, Lyra. I will be the shield to your open heart and do what needs to be done. You need not worry your conscience over Ms. Dis Lee."
"Lyra....you can't...." I began, suddenly horrified. My paranoid mind spun. Lyra wouldn't....
"Hah, 'course not, your dudeness." She suddenly giggled at my expression of terror, "I wouldn't do that...as a first resort, anyway, because that would make you all kinds of sad." She patted me again, "You're too kind, really. But as I said, I will do what needs to be done."
"Lyra, I appreciate your thought, I really do." I sighed, "I'm sure you've got a good plot cooking, but this is my responsibility to bear."
"Oh, you're sure you want to pass on this plot, your dudeness?" She raised an eyebrow, wiggling her rear suggestively. "You've got a good eye, good plots like mine are a dime a dozen~"
"That cheap, huh?" I smirk.
"Huh? Oh, ponyfeathers, wrong figure of speech..." She muttered. Ah, was she trying to use a human figure of speech? So she does know of humans. Now, the question is, does that suggest humans exist here in this world or is her knowledge more...esoteric? "A-ah, I-I mean, for you, your dudeness, it's always on the house." She winked.
"Now I can see why you haven't had any luck getting laid." I mock-sighed with a teasing grin.
"H-Hey! I-I'm just not on the market yet, that's all!" She cried indignantly.
"We're not a capitalist society, we're a tyranny. There are no markets. There's just me and my plots." I said with a smile, "And you, Lyra, you're pretty good at losing the plot, but not your virginity."
"Oh, shush." She rolled her eyes. "Fine, getting on with the plot, your dudeness, Ms. Dis Lee struggles with a feeble flame. I say we fight her in kind, but with an inferno." For the briefest moment there was a dangerous glint in her eyes.
Crystal Heart was right, Lyra was not one to be underestimated even in her proven absolute loyalty to me. "What do you have in mind, Lyra?" I asked carefully, raising an eyebrow.
"Faith will soon be a contested commodity here, yep." She said, gesturing at the feasting ponies, "This will be at best our marketplace, at worst a battleground. And you will have more bargaining chips than Ms. Dis Lee and her petty promises and empty speeches. Tell me, my Master, are you ready to become more than Ahuizotl? Are you ready to become our god emperor?" She asked, gazing deep into...I'd say my eyes, but I fear she was gazing even deeper than that.
"I think we've had enough gods and worship, have we not?" A voice pulled our attention away from each other, much to my relief. I know what it was Lyra was suggesting, and it had occurred to me, particularly when I was talking to Twilight in my room earlier. I had no problem seeking out a way to become greater than Who-is-shite, including becoming a god in my own right if there was some way to achieve that in this world. However, being worshipped as one, particularly now, felt like mass deception at best.
I put these thoughts aside for a moment as I turned to regard the voice and its owner, a certain elegant mare of purest white with a glossy mane of midnight purple, not unlike Twilight's. For somepony who has just been fillynapped and taken on a long airship ride to be a live sacrifice to a dark lord, she was looking mighty fine, in more ways than one. "Oh, I do apologize for interrupting your little tête-à-tête, your lordship." She gave a little curtsy. "But I couldn't help but overhear your little plan."
"Hello, Ms. Rarity." I nod in greeting, "And...Ms. Jack?" I looked at the sunset-orange mare trailing behind her.
"It's just Applejack." She gave me a little doff of her hat in response, but nothing more, seemingly preferring to keep her distance from me. I recall she didn't quite trust me earlier that evening. Probably still didn't, and I don't blame her. If Godzilla suddenly landed in my town promising democracy, capitalism and free porn, I'd be a wee bit sceptical if not running for the hills.
"And Rarity, darling." Rarity gave me a charming smile, "Just plain Rarity."
"Then it's plain 'dude' to both of you." I give them both nods in return, "Though Twilight told me off about that. Said something about ponies wanting me as a lord or something."
"I can vouch for that." Rarity said, "We will need a leader figure to keep us all together. And you wear the cloak quite nicely, your lordship, literally."
"Speaking of which, I need to thank you for your work on the cloak, Rarity." I said.
"Oh, it was my first time doing hideous, ugly and repulsive, not something I'm accustomed to. But it came out as intended, better perhaps. Your wearing it simply gave it everything it needed, I feel." She said with a humble smile.
I....can't help but feel there was an insult hidden in there somewhere. C'mon, guys, give the hairless monkey a chance?
"And thank you for organizing the earth ponies, Applejack." I nod at Applejack, "I'm sure Ass-Who-Shot felt that up where his sun don't shine."
"Was nuthin'. Don't mention it." She said, shifting a little uneasily as she looked away, pulling her hat low with a hoof. Hmm, what's up with her?
"And, most importantly, thank you, you two, for being the voice of reason earlier." I added.
"Not that difficult with all the madness around us." Rarity smiled. "Though I feel it was your knack at diplomacy that saved the day." She winked at me.
"Errr...you saw that." I said, rather stupidly.
"Saw it? Your lordship, we felt it." She chuckled. "Oh the look on Fleur's face was priceless."
"Ahem...." Applejack cleared her throat.
"Oh, right. About what you were saying, your lordship..." Rarity began.
"So, you would know all about gods and worship, wouldn't you, Ms. Rarity?" Lyra suddenly spoke up, looking at best unimpressed. She hadn't taken Rarity's interruption quite as welcomingly. "Or should I say altar mare to the Ponyville Basilica, Rarity?" The mint-green mare's eyes narrowed accusingly.
"Former, please." Rarity said, tone suddenly cooling considerably. "And yes, I would." She nodded, gruffly, "Which is why I can confidently say, we don't need another."
"Of course you don't need another, Rarity most pious of ponies." Lyra had already risen, not even pretending to be civil anymore, "You are already a whorse to the great and bloated Ahuizotl." She glowered accusingly. "And you would see my master denied his rightful place far above him."
"...." To my surprise, Rarity remained silent at that. Most people I know would have flown off the handle at that. But not Rarity, it seemed, who had taken it with almost divine grace. She even gave a little nod, "Yes, yes I was. I do not deny it. I was a devoted altar mare to Ahuizotl. I would say my main interest was in seeing the offerings and donations make their way to those who needed it, but that would be no more than excuse." She looked up at me, "I realize, your lordship, my former faith alone casts doubt on everything I say. But I understand you have a little test for loyalty. Please allow me a chance to let my new heartfelt allegiance speak for itself."
She took a deep breath and a step forwards, "I, Rarity, former follower of Ahuizotl, do renounce my former faith." She gave me a deep bow, "I have been deeply smitten by your shows of kindness and generosity in saving and sheltering my fellow ponies. In return I offer you my steadfast allegiance, your lordship."
"A beautiful if practiced speech, yep." Lyra smirked, "Is that how you wooed Ahuizotl every night?"
Rarity didn't answer. She didn't need to. A brilliant burst of white light bathed the entire throne room, lighting up the food storage blossoms, casting refracted prismatic light all over the crystalline walls. Out of the radiance flew a prismatic white diamond of light that spiralled and pirouetted gracefully in between us before doing a little bob before me, as if curtsying elegantly. I reached out, allowing it to land obediently on my outstretched hand.
Little Rarity, hewn from the most exquisite diamond, poised in a sophisticated sashay with a wink and a generous smile, sat atop my palm.
"That was flashier than I expected. I'd say you got my good side. Wouldn't you agree, your lordship?" Rarity said, admiring her miniature self with a smile. She was careful not to smirk. But she didn't need to. Lyra was already glowering silently at her.
As if to add insult to injury, a little black orb descended out of the air, swaying drunkenly, before teetering far too close to...okay, c'mon, dude, not her horn. That's just, that's just....dude! Down boy! Down!
"O-oh my..." Rarity blushed as she sat back on her haunches and reached up and took hold of the rather frisky black orb in her hooves. "There there, aren't you an excited one?" She trilled as she held the frizzy-haired little figurine set against 3 brilliant harlequin diamonds, matching her own mark. "Well, that's that gossip proven. We're going to run out again soon."
The ponies around the room, sensing that the show was over, slowly returned to their long awaited meals, though a few carried on watching over their food curiously. Looks like this sort of thing wasn't too outlandish for them to cause mass hysteria and a mad rush for the doors. Heck, magical blasts of light was probably how they erased the stains from their dishes.
Crystal Heart muttered something I couldn't quite hear in her sleep, shifting uncomfortably before curling up with a huff, her back towards Rarity.
"Thank you, Rarity." I said, not really knowing what else to say. It wasn't really a time for any witty remarks. "That means a lot to me starting out. Still, if you don't mind me asking, why the change of heart?" I asked.
"Darling, you've simply got better fashion sense. That cloak was simply fabulous. That's more than an immediate sell for me." She chuckled, lightly. Something told me loyal as she has proven herself she wasn't quite ready to tell me the real reason. Perhaps it had something to do with her mark?
"That's not exactly difficult, nope." Lyra muttered. "Anypony can look better than Ahuizotl by simply flushing the chamber pot."
"Dear me, Ms. Heartstrings, that's insulting to all chamber pots everywhere." Rarity tittered.
"Hah, you're right for once." Lyra chuckled. I gotta hand it to Rarity, she had a way of charming everyone.
"And just to prove your effortless superiority in style, just look at this magnificent throne you have crafted for yourself." Rarity patted my throne. Yep, she's got the charm dialed up to 11. Crystal Heart can learn something from her. I got a sleepy hoof to the face for this. "A little heavy on the pink, but it reflects your kind and...err...fluffy nature."
"Lyra here built it." I said, ruffling Lyra's mane again. She gave a happy giggle in response, mood lightening up considerably. "I agree she's done a great job. I mean, you see it and you might think 'oh, big sunny rainbow unicorn princess was here' and then BAM, badass evil overdude butt frickin' everywhere. It's like psychological warfare, but with pink and fluffiness. They'd never expect it."
"So the theme is contrast then?" Rarity asked, curiously, as she took a few steps around, appraising the throne.
"No, the theme is ponies." Lyra chimed in, with a hint of pride.
"Ponies?" Rarity asked, cocking her head to one side, "Is this some kind of... abstract representation?" She asked, poking the cushions. "Pink,soft, bouncy and dreamy?"
"Oh, no, no, it's not complete yet." Lyra smiled, raising a hoof to gesture at herself, "We are the finishing touches."
"'We'?" Rarity and Applejack looked at one another.
"Our Master will sit here surrounded by us, his chosen." Lyra said. "We are his subjects, those under his protection. In turn we're the ones who protect him and give him power." She explained, "Not really all that important amongst ourselves, but with foreign visitors it'll definitely make an impression."
"I only hope it's the right one." Rarity gave a muffled giggle.
"Yeah, there's that too, yep." Lyra grinned, joining in the giggling.
"Oh, get your brains out of the gutters. It's just a pink fluffy chair." I sighed. Pink. Fluffy. Chair.
I hope it's been washed. Like, recently.
My expression was met with more suppressed giggles. "I sense sex!" Crystal Heart declared, suddenly sitting up like a lightning bolt, ramming my chin with her horn with all the force of a pilebunker. She looked around, blinking sleepily, before noticing Lyra, "False positive. The sensors must have gone out of tune over the past millenia. Will have to recalibrate soon....when real live samples available..." She yawned, curling up and promptly falling asleep once more.
"Hey! What the buck is that supposed to mean?!" Lyra demanded to more laughter from Rarity. I showed Lyra the list of things unicorns couldn't do. I had to quickly pull it out of her reach, leading her on a little dance on her rearhooves as she tried to tug it out of my hand with her magic.
This caused Rarity no end of laughter. "Oh, yes, I sense I made the right choice." She said amidst one last little run of giggles, one hoof held daintily over her mouth.
"Meaning?" I asked, placing the sheet of paper inside the collar of my black turtleneck for safety. Bad choice for Lyra quickly dove after it, head-first through my surprisingly elastic collar. "Oy, Lyra! Hey, stay out! That's my secret porn stash!"
"I think I can see my house from here, yep!" Came Lyra's muffled voice from inside. "When can I move in?"
"I just think you'll do nicely, darling." Rarity smiled, patting me on the...c'mon, guys, my knees are going to start thinking they're special or something. "As an emperor, I mean...not Ms. Heartstring's house or....clop stash... but I have no way of really judging the latter, of course."
"You're no fun." Lyra muttered as I pulled open my turtleneck and dumped her unceremoniously back onto her armrest. She slowly picked herself up before regarding Rarity carefully. She gave me one last glance before sighing, "I-I suppose I owe you an apology. I'm sorry, Ms. Rarity, for doubting you. I believe in my Master. If he gives you an MLP then he believes in you. That means I can only believe in you too."
"Thank you, Ms. Heartstrings, dear. And I in turn apologize for interrupting and disagreeing with you on a matter I see is close to your heart." Rarity said, graciously. "Now, allow me to state my case better. What I wish to say is, we have been at the mercy of divine hooves for so long now..."
"You're worried I'll be another Ahuizotl." I said, raising an eyebrow.
"Oh, no, don't be silly. I have faith that you will be anything but, darling." She gave me a reassuring smile, waving a hoof dismissively, "No, I worry about how everypony will take having another god on the chess board, so to speak. Our experience with divines so far, namely Nightmare Moon, Discord, Tirek and Ahuizotl, haven't exactly been confidence building. And don't get me started on the windigos." She shivered.
"There's more of them?" I groaned, allowing my palm to meet my face. "Right, tell them to get in line and take a number. Still busy dealing with Whose-shat's rap sheet, mainly trying to find long enough toilet paper to wipe it all on."
"But our master will be different." Lyra said, "He'll bring us the freedom, equality and justice natural to his kind."
"His kind...?" Rarity looked around at me at this. I couldn't help but turn to Lyra, curiosity mounting. Slowly I put two and two together. Lyra knows of humans, Rarity doesn't, suggesting we're not a common occurrence in this world if at all. That they so easily believed I'm some evil super demon suggested we're more obscure mythical beings at best. Interesting.
"Besides, if we're going to challenge Ahuizotl and get all of ponykind to throw their lot in with us, we need to give them some assurance that our Master can at least match him hoof for hoof." Lyra argued, "The Empress of Gryphonia, Queen of Draconia and Lord of Minos have all challenged Ahuizotl. We never saw ponies flocking to them in droves. We need more than just an Emperor. We need a god."
"I remind you that the Crystal Empire's power source is your follower's love and faith in you, Master." Crystal Heart contributed, sleepily. "They can love you as a god, a king, court jester, a pet, all of the above. It does not really matter."
"A god's the obvious choice." Lyra asserted, "Our Empire needs all the power it can get."
"But...." Rarity bit her lip. "All you want at the moment is a way to counter Ms. Dis Lee, is that not so?"
"Well, yes..." Lyra nodded, "But..."
"Ms. Fleur Dis Lee's only weapon here is uncertainty." Rarity said, quickly, "She tugs upon fear and uncertainty to make everypony come apart at the seams. You see, we've all been on the run from the Inquisition for goodness knows how long now. We've been living off the land, which only become more and more difficult as winter approached. I haven't had a proper meal or a bath in absolutely ages. Some of us had fallen sick. And as if that's not enough, some creepy unicorn mare comes along promising our little band of runaways a safe haven. Before we know it we were fillynapped, herded onto a stolen airship, taken to this Ahuizotl-forsak-....I mean, ruined palace in the middle of the frozen north, to be made into sacrifices for some evil dark overlord..." She was panting a little hysterically, maybe even wailing a bit, at this point. Lyra and I shared a glance. "Oh....saving your presence, no offense meant, your lordship." She added, suddenly calm once more.
"None taken." I said, frowning a little, "Sorry, I've been a little shortsighted, I never considered how far back everyone's suffering went." Especially the sick. What an oversight. I remember Redheart said she had ponies to get back to. Hmmm...
"No, that's alright. That wasn't the point I was trying to make, but thank you for your concern." Rarity said, "The point is, we were desperate and frightened, not to mention hungry, thirsty and freezing cold. If Fleur Dis Lee with her absolute charisma and confidence came to me and promised me Ahuizotl would forgive us all if we returned home at that very moment, I would have followed her like a lamb."
"You're saying as long as I keep them well fed and watered and looked after we'll be fine?" I asked.
"It's definitely a start, dear." Rarity nodded, "But these ponies need security, an anchor of certainty. They, I, need to know that there will be food on the table and a roof over our heads tomorrow and the day after. We need to know what we're doing, where we're going, and what's going on around us. Communication, darling, will be key."
"An anchor, huh. Good point. I suppose I've been more a kite tied to a rocket than an anchor ever since I arrived." I conceded, "We need something simple to get information around, one that doesn't involve the rumour mills, something we can keep under control. Hmmm....Twilight's bulletin board is a start." I murmur, thoughtfully.
"Twilight's bull-ate-a-broad?" Lyra asked. "Twilight has a bull?"
"And it ate a broad?" Applejack blinked. "A broad what?"
"Just 'broad. 'Broad' as in 'mares'." Lyra reasoned,
"If anythin' needs a darn good anchorin', it'd be that bull." Applejack muttered.
"No, dears, it's a big board we read the news from." Rarity explained, patiently.
"No loss then. Twilight's bull can go eat that all it wants cuz Ah can't read ta save mah Apple-brand flank." Applejack said.
"Yep, my flank's pretty doomed too." Lyra nodded in agreement.
"Well, come to think of it, neither can I! To save my own bum, I mean, not yours." I give her a grin. It's true, I can't read the local lingo to save my gloriously illiterate bum. "We'll be able to learn together." I said, earning myself a smile from Lyra, "Now, what's the literacy level of ponies here?" I asked.
"I can read just a teeny bit. I practiced from reciting the holy scriptures. But I am hopeless at writing." Rarity said.
"Most of us are about as literate as a rock." Lyra shrugged. "I mean, who cares? It doesn't really put food in our mouths, nope."
"Rocks are....very literate. They read my poetry." A pony said as she passed by. I would have said she 'chimed in' but her voice was 10 measures of amplitude short of a tombstone to qualify.
"....who is that?" I asked, nodding at the mare whose gray coat was about as monotone as her voice. We eyed her for a while as she flicked aside her long, straight amethyst-purple mane to closely regard...is she staring at the crystal making up the walls? My companions, bar the one still snoozing in my lap, all shrugged.
"I heard she's a relative of Pinkie Pie's," Rarity said, pointing at the pony bouncing across the room energetically, helping making sure everyone had a good supply of food and drink. "But to be fair most of us only shared a fillynapping and a sacrificial ceremony together. Hardly the type of occasions to get properly acquainted. Though I think she's some sort of expert on rocks."
"I wonder if that includes crystals." I muse, eyeing her as she walked up to the wall and....licked it? Before smacking her lips thoughtfully?
"Did she just lick that wall?" Lyra blinked.
"Just getting acquainted with it, I'm sure." I said. "What?" I asked the stares I received, "You guys don't share a little tongue with your acquaintances? Now that's just cold." I sigh. "Oh, that reminds me, I and some bubble-wrap need to get acquainted with Sunset Shimmer." I said, thoughtfully.
"Oh, please don't be too hard on her, your lordship. She has in a way saved us all." Rarity said, "I'm sure she had the best of intentions."
"Offering us all as sex toys to a sex-crazed demonic overlord?" Lyra pointed out, "I wouldn't ever want to see her being mean then, nope. What'll she do then? Bake us cupcakes?"
"I could do with a cupcake..." I murmured. I did some quick thinking. Rarity seemed to have many insights into the ponies, what they were going through and what they would need in the long term. She seemed to have more common sense than Crystal Heart (another sleepy hoof to the face). And she has proven her loyalty. Yes, she'll do. "Speaking of cupcakes, you've both given me food for thought. Rarity, now that you've got an MLP you're officially one of my Crusaders. Would you accept a place in my interim government as my domestics advisor? The job comes with many benefits, including free-flow of ice cream and daily noogies from me...once I figure out where to get said ice cream."
"We have an intimate government what?" Lyra blinked.
"A temporary government. You're already onboard as an advisor, by the way." I said.
"I'm in the intimate government?" Lyra blinked again. Yes, as my personal stalker and favourite plushie.
"You had me at 'cup cake'. I'd be most delighted, your lordship." Rarity said, "I feel honoured by your trust in me. I mean, we're barely strangers, you and I."
"I trust in Crystal Heart and her MLPs." I said, patting Crystal Heart. "By extension I can trust you. I would like to appoint you your first task. I need you to round up Redheart and any other medical mares we have. Make sure they have the medical supplies Twilight brought up." I thought back to my days volunteering for medecins sans frontiers in college. They had a pretty jazzy way of organizing their relief efforts on the field. "We need to gather all the sick ponies in one place, get them triaged and treated, and while we're at it we should get a list of all the sick. Hmmm...I'm going to need Twilight's help with lists." I looked around for Twilight, "I'll find her, you can get started."
"..." I almost missed Lyra giving Rarity a rather unhappy look before suddenly perking up, "And I can go get started on your new creed."
"Now, Lyra..." I begin, uncertain, "You're very enthusiastic about it and I can see..."
"Oh, you haven't seen nothing yet." Lyra said, hopping off my armrest. "Just leave it to me." She said, giving me a wink before disappearing into the crowd.
"By macaroons, that Lyra." I muttered, standing up, dislodging Crystal Heart who simply rolled off my lap to curl up on my throne with a groan.
"We'll help you find her." Rarity offered.
"No, your task is arguably more important, carry on." I said, arming myself with a snoozing Crystal Heart over one shoulder
"With pleasure, your lordship." Rarity nodded, turning to trot off, "Come along, Applejack."
Applejack seemed to not hear this, eyes frowning at the weaponized Crystal Heart snoozing on my shoulder. "We don't have any laws yet so biological weapons are perfectly legal." I explained. "And yes, she explodes when thrown."
"...o-kaay." She murmured, before turning away after Rarity.
Finally left to my own devices I turned my attention to hunting down Lyra. I hugged the wall of the circular grand hall where I would attract the least amount of attention. As hard as it is to take it from a guy carrying a snoozing pony like an oversized blunderbuss, I do believe in keeping a low profile from time to time. It was then when I came across the familiar form of an azure-blue mare sporting a starry pointed wizard hat and cape. My attention, however, was drawn to the sack full of what looked like fruit she had hidden underneath her cloak. She must have felt me staring as she looked up from toying with the tangerine in her hooves to aim an irritated glare at me. "What does the pointless and impotent Overbutt want from the great and powerful Trixie now? More thankless party tricks?" She muttered, tossing her long, flowing silver mane over one shoulder. "Not like this soup kitchen you call a feast can't do with a little Trixie-flavoured spice."
"Err...." I replied intelligently, buying myself time while I wondered what in macaroons she could be referring to. Oh, could it be the special effects she set up for my cape? "I thought all of that went into all the awesome we stuck up their backsides." I said, lightly, pulling out a peach I had saved for myself. "Looks like there's far more packed where that came from, huh? I stand corrected, O'Great and Powerful Trixie." I grinned, tossing the peach in one hand.
"Huh, looks like you have at least two brain cells to rub together to be able to comprehend the depth of Trixie's greatnessness." She huffed, though looking a little more mollified, "Trixie will likewise acknowledge that you are probably not pointless, just impotent."
"Gee, thanks." I muttered, placing the peach in front of her.
"What is this?" She demanded, staring at the peach as if glaring at it hard enough might make it divulge its secrets.
"A peach."
"It looks like a butt."
"I'm starting to get an idea of how your brain works."
"Trixie can show you how yours does firsthoof if you don't shut up."
"It is one of the few plants whose flower blooms first before it sprouts any leaves." I said. "It's one of the many things that make it special."
"It also looks like a really big butt." Trixie insisted. I couldn't help but notice her glancing quickly at her own before smirking in some private little triumph.
"I think my Master is trying to go deep with this one." Crystal Heart said, yawning sleepily, "He's kind of hurting himself in the process. Please pity him and just nod and pretend you understand the deep philosophical message behind the very deep butt-shaped fruit."
"Thank you....Crystal Heart..." I muttered.
"Very well, the deep and understanding Trixie shall keep an open mind about you and your fixation upon butts and butt-shaped fruit." She said, lifting the fruit as yet alien to her in her azure magic.
As I turned to leave I heard her add in a much quieter voice, "Thank you, Overbutt."
I peered back at her out of the corner of my eye. Yep, just as I expected, she slipped the peach away under her cloak surreptitiously while looking about cautiously, thinking nobody was watching her.
"Crystal Heart, keep an eye on Trixie. If she starts moving about in the middle of the night I want to know." I said aside to my trusty assistant.
"Nggg....You're expecting her to leave tonight?" Crystal Heart asked, sleepily.
"Call it my Overdude sense." I said.
"The things you pull out of that plot hole..." Crystal Heart sighed as if in deep resignation, leaping out from under my arm. "In that case, excuse me, Master. I will return to reactivating the vital testing apparatu-.....security systems that will help us stalk on...correction, monitor the activities of our subjects. I am sure you can do without your loyal party associate for a little while." With that she melded into the crowd.
"Err...alright." Sometimes I wondered about Crystal Heart. Actually, make that all the time. As I continued my journey on my lonesome I quickly found Twilight and Dinky to one side. Twilight seemed busy looking over Dinky's shoulder, guiding Dinky's head with her hooves as Dinky sat poring over what looked like a sheet of parchment, quill gripped in her little mouth. "Twilight, did you see Lyra pass by?" I asked.
"Oh? Uuhhh.." Twilight shifted around uneasily, almost as if shielding Dinky from my view. I couldn't help but wonder what the two are up to. "Hmmm..." She tapped a hoof on her chin, "Isn't she sort of invisible?" She pointed out.
"....oh, yeah, super stalker pony." I mutter, facepalming. I'm going to need to put a bell on that girl. Maybe a few neon lights, a spinner or two. "Hmmm, there was something else I had to ask you..." I said, wracking my mind. What was it? Something important, something medical...hmm...medical...suppositories....bubble-wrap....horns....marriage. Oh, was it Sunset Shimmer? Don't ask how my brain got there. "Twilight, I need to ask you about Sunset Shimmer."
"Hmmm?" Twilight asked, looking up from whatever it was Dinky was working on. "Oh, sure, what do you want to know, my lord?"
"So, uuhhh...I sort of ruined Sunset Shimmer for marriage." I said. 'Who is also sort of a sister to you' I thought to myself. But I had nobody else to ask. "And I kinda just need to know, how exactly did I do that?"
"Oh, I wouldn't mind it too much, my lord." To my surprise, Twilight shook a hoof reassuringly as she turned on her remaining three to face me. Rather impressive coordination if you ask me. "Sunny has always been a bit of a traditionalist, as strange as it may seem. She's always worked hard at keeping her horn pure. Yes, we unicorns used to consider our horns sacred a long, long time ago, allowing only our most special someponies to touch them. But nowadays we unicorns are happy enough being alive." She smiled a forlorn little smile, "I'm lucky I have an intact working horn. For most of us that's a bonus." She pointed up at her own horn, giving it a little burst of magic for emphasis. It was then when I noticed for the first time that Twilight's little horn had chips in its spiral, even a few dents and scrapes in the actual body of the horn. "If we get worked-up with marriage over every single touch, prod, pull, and rock on our horns, we'd be getting married at least two or three times a week."
"Is it his chosen, those 'Felis'?" I growled, feeling my fists turn white. I didn't dare look at Dinky in case I found a single blemish upon her cute little horn, lest I launch a concentrated flea powder warhead straight at whatever cesspit Whose-Shat called his capital.
"...." Twilight gave a little nod before adding, "Ponies too."
"Wait? But...why?!" I gasped in horror and disbelief.
"Unicorns bear the most blame for the Nightmare Moon incident after Nightmare Moon herself. Our magic burned and seared the land of its life in the age of conquest." Twilight sighed, "Or so we're taught in Sunday school in the churches of Ahuizotl. That has led to a lot of cruelty towards unicorns. A lot of us are lucky to survive foalhood."
"I see, he probably fears your kind, so he not only turned the world against you, he turned you against yourselves." I nod in barely suppressed rage. Turning one's enemies against themselves, it was the oldest trick in the human book, and it's a pretty damn old, fat and bloody bug. I was suddenly reminded of the discussion I had with the three different pony tribes earlier. While I noticed some tension, I thought it was being played up for cruds and giggles. I didn't realize it was this serious. Fluting macaroons...I had gathered 1000 ponies of 3 different races with enough bad blood to make vampire-human relations look romantic. Why have they not....ah, I see. They've segregated themselves into 3 different parts of the room like the universe's biggest 'I'm-not-touching-you' stand-off. I couldn't help but notice that the earth pony group was the largest, followed closely by the pegasi. The unicorn group, however, was pitiful in comparison, making up no more than a fifth.
"You asked us why we hoofers are still slaves despite having magic, weather and the power to move mountains." Twilight said, "Well, in answer to the magic bit, we don't have very much. As I said, not many of us survive, and even those of us who do don't always make it through with intact functioning horns. Education in magic is also very limited, just enough to make us useful without allowing us any power whatsoever." She nodded at some of the unicorn mares who I noticed for the first time had chipped, even broken horns. "We don't have the wings of the pegasi or the strength of the earth ponies. Without our horns we unicorns are no better than food and glue."
I placed a hand on her shoulder and gave her a little squeeze. "That isn't true." I growled darkly, "It was never true. And whatever Sunday school taught you that, I'm knocking'em all the way to next Friday's laundry day where they belong along with all the other overdue washing."
Twilight gave a little chuckle at that, "I don't know what it is, but you certainly have a way with words that puts dictionaries to shame, my lord. For some reason I can't help but trust them, your words that is."
"Wish the same could be said of me and the ponies." I muttered, "Heck, I popped bubblewrap on a unicorn's horn." I bury my face in my palm, wishing I could bury the rest of myself there as well. Suddenly what I did had taken on an entirely new dimension of 'wrong'. It was about as bad as making party balloons out of inflated condoms.
To my surprise, Twilight smiled in amusement at this, "Most of the unicorns are talking about how, well, impressed they are, actually, my lord. How you, a god, would be so accepting of our horns which the rest of Equus considers dirty and profane." She seemed to blush a little, "S-showing it w-with such a p-public display of affection no less."
"Twilight, I kind of have to wonder what you've all gone through if that is considered 'accepting'." I sighed, before a niggling little suspicion arose, "Wait, public display of affection? Was that really...?" Oh, did I just faux-pas my bum again? I did, didn't I?
"Oh....you didn't know." Twilight couldn't help but giggle, "Haha, sorry, I can't put it down to anything other than you simply having a knack for such things. Overdude-sense, was it?"
"Knack for 'such things', huh." I muttered. I'd never be able to look at bubble-wrap the right way ever again.
Did I ever look at bubble-wrap right? Huh, come to think of it....
"I'd be careful though." Twilight suddenly said in a low whisper, "You've already been seen hanging around Lyra, and there was that little magic show thing with Rarity earlier. The other two tribes might start to, well, think you're favouring us unicorns. You need to remember that we're a very small minority here. That can be cause for unrest."
"Thank you for telling me." I said. It was a sobering thought. Come to think of it my entire retinue at the moment all bore horns. I will have to start recruiting pegasi and earth ponies into my circle and soon. Makes you wonder, with all their skeletons, goblins and imps, are all demonic overlords politically correct equal-opportunity racists?
A strange sound interrupted my train of thought like a nuke crossing the tracks. An electric guitar solo filled the air, loud and clear. Especially loud. "Did you hear that?" I asked, looking around for the source in case it was something about to eat me alive or lullaby me to death, not necessarily in that order. It sounded like it came from up above somewhere.
"Heard what?" Twilight asked. None of the other ponies seemed to have heard the sound either, despite how loud it was.
"Oh, I found Lyra." I said, looking up at the turquoise form standing atop one of the floating food storage blossoms, one hoof up on a jutting petal, holding....is that a lyre? Holding a lyre like an electric guitar in one hoof, swinging her other through the chords as if she were busting out beats from an axe. Jagger would have stood proud. I know my privates are.
How is her hoof defying physics and holding onto that lyre? Rainbow magnets? Unless those suppository launchers strapped around her hooves had something to do with it...?
"Where?" Twilight asked, following my finger, "Oh, what is she doing there?" Looks like it's true, somebody had to point her out first to break whatever strange invisibility spell she had around herself.
A few more ponies followed my finger out of curiosity. In a slow wave the whole hall's attention turned upwards to look at her. Seemingly satisfied that she had everyone's attention she cleared her throat and raised her voice, "My fellow ponies." She called out, strumming another sexy chord, "Tonight we dine in glory! We feast upon awesome! And we believe! We believe in he who chose us as his flock, who gives us today our daily bread and tomorrow gives us the whole world to rock! Join me, my fellow ponies, in living and breathing his gift, his epic, his dudeness!" She slammed a hoof through her lyre once more, ripping out another impossible roar from her little lyre. Seriously, no lyre has the right to be that friggin' badass. "Hooves in the air for our first ever prayer!" She declared, raising her hooves into the air.
To my ever macaroon-loving surprise, a lot of hooves actually joined hers in the air without hesitation. A few more joined in after a moment's pause as if struggling a little to register what just happened. As if giving in to the rising peer pressure a few more joined in. A substantial number, however, seemed content to just listen. A small number stood up and snuck out quietly. Fewer still made a show of striding out of the room. I had expected a spectrum of response. I didn't expect this many to respond so positively, however. I looked down and found that Dinky had happily raised her hooves up towards me, a look of absolute adoration twinkling in her eyes. Twilight too had joined in, though she gave me a little wink, mouthing 'why not'.
"Now, echo my soul, believers!" Lyra cried, "He who overdudes our hood, our suppository of safety in waking and in sleep!" She sang, allowing the crowd a moment to sing after her. Wait, what did she say? Ladies and gentlemen, I have seen the Tower of Babel's beginnings, and it was founded on rock and suppositories. The very walls seemed to glow with the strange fiery energy Lyra was pumping into the prayer. No, seriously, they were glowing with a really psychedelic light. "Who feeds us with his sexy decimal fingers and shelters us from pissy inquisitor chamber potties!" To my surprise a few more ponies joined in at this point, raising their hooves into the air. Lines of light began to course and pulse through the glowing walls of the chamber, tracing out intricate rune-like patterns seemingly engraved deep into the crystal. "In the air our hooves linger in heartfelt thanks, for not only accepting our marked flanks, but choosing us as your chosen, your herd, your pack. This gift we will fight to earn, that we be the very means for you to save our world with your ever glorious long and tight jeans! We believe! We believe! I say, we overbelieve! In the name of the Overdude, the Empire, and the Chosen, let our OverFaith sing forever and ever till the end itself is nigh! I dare you all, I double dare you, to say now neigh!"
"Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye!" Chimed in a certain bright pink pony bouncing about in her worship. In a rapid movement that threatened to seriously maim at least 3 ponies standing close to her she crossed her hooves across her heart before....did she just poke her eye with her hoof?
"Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye." The rest of the crowd echoed. And thus the Tower of Babel was topped with a cupcake.
"Wait, that's not-...uhh...." Lyra said, waving a hoof awkwardly, before sighing as if resigning herself to some rather painful punch line. She cleared her throat awkwardly and crossed her hoof across her heart, trooping on valiantly, "Uhh...Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my ey-OUCH!" She cried, receiving a hoofful of ouch in the eye. In her eye-popping enthusiasm she managed to send herself staggering backwards. It didn't take a prophet to divine what would happen to the Tower next. Mouth dry, knees suddenly weak, I staggered forwards, arms outstretched. The last thing I needed was my first ever prayer ending with a live sacrifice.
Makes you wonder, did the central American human sacrifice rituals start out as a rather awkward accident? Errr...that guy slipping off and tumbling down all 1000 steps? Yeah, that was part of the ritual, totally. Carry on.
As the prayer completed, the light from the lines coursing through the walls grew to a dazzling glare that put Morgan Freeman's teeth to shame. Just as the ponies opened their eyes and gasped at the blinding glow, Lyra slipped off the floating storage crystal and fell with all the grace of a sack of muffins. I reached out blindly in the glare, praying (to myself?). My prayer was answered as my little pony fell out of the sky right into my arms.
She was surprisingly light. And loud. "-eeeeeeeeeeeeeeep" She carried on screaming as she lay across my arms. She took another deep breath before screaming again, shriller and longer. Gotta hand it to her, she even made screaming to her death sound like an orgasm. After what felt like an eternity she finally let herself trail off before sighing, "Y'know, this floor knows how to keep a mare waiting..."
"Yeah, I have that effect on the ladies." I chuckled as the bright light slowly dimmed just enough for her and all the other ponies to see.
Her eyes fluttered open at this. "I see the light..." She murmured, blinking blearily in the blinding light. "Oh, hello your dudeness. Did I...Did I die and go to dude heaven?" She asked, looking hopeful.
"Worse. You're alive, in my arms, and everyone's watching." I said, looking around at our stunned audience.
"Well, they can watch you carry me to bed~" Lyra said as a little hoof traced teasing circles on my chest, "Cause I think I have an ouchie in my poor little hoof." She sighed, dramatically.
Something nudged me in the side. It was Twilight, whispering something to me, "I think you need to say something." She nodded at the audience as the silence threatened, very vocally, to go and be all awkward on us.
"Err...right." What was it Rarity said? Certainty? Communication? Lyra, now she can really communicate. I somehow felt as awkward as a used condom in comparison. Well, I had to at least give it a try, as lame as I'd look after Lyra. I took a deep breath and put on my stage voice. How did Lyra do it? Start with strumming a guitar? I struck a pose, placing a foot up on a black crate somebody had forgotten in the middle of the chamber, before strumming my imaginary guitar with experimental zest.
"Aaaahn!" I heard something moan. The very walls of the chamber erupted in a sudden blaze of runic light, pulsing madly to the familiar beats of what I could only guess was my air guitar. Oh yes, there was so much saturated awesome in the atmosphere that even air-guitaring made the air vibrate with awesome. Or, y'know, maybe Crystal Heart turned on the wrong testing apparatus and somehow linked my phone back up with the sound system, but I preferred to believe in awesome.
I paid it no heed. I felt too alive to pay anything but my own ego any attention. I felt it, this was it, this must be what possessed Lyra earlier. Who knew air-guitarring was the key to hidden bravado? With a grin I tapped into my newfound wellspring of awesome and let it flow like a flood of psychedelic rainbows, "Ponies, I hear you! My very soul hears you! You've taken me deeper than you can even begin to imagine!" I bellowed as I cast my gaze across my entire audience, jamming my hand into my air guitar once more.
"Mmmmhhhngh!" Yet another moan, this one muffled yet louder.
"Your passionate voices sing love to me!" I declared. "Your hot love flows through our Empire! Your burning faith courses deep through your fellow Chosen. Look around you!" I said, nodding at the light coursing and pulsing through the walls. "See yourselves pumping the passion through our Empire! Feel it erupt in the veil of invisibility that keeps us hidden from prying eyes, watch it roar in our shield that keeps us safe, and bask in the warmth and light that keeps our gardens fertile and warm. Look around you! This is your love, your faith, your will, taken form! Through the sweat of your labours, the passion of your faith and the ferocity of your dreams, there will be food, water, and anything and everything you could ever desire, today, tomorrow and forever!" I slammed my hand through my air-guitar as I busted out another imaginary chord.
"Hnnnggghaaaaaaaaah!" A cry of ectasy let loose this time. But I was on too much fire to care.
I gaze upon each and every one of them in turn. "Remember this now, revel in it when you lie upon your warm new beds tonight, and celebrate it every day of your new lives. Become one with me, my little ponies! Yes, become one in our Overbelief! Oh, yes, we believe! Let us all believe in your Emperor, your Empire and yourselves!"
There was a dramatic pause. Or at least I chose to believe it was, seeing as the entire front row was holding their breath. And staring, wide-eyed. And...uhh...slack-jawed. All staring at me and, interestingly at my hands too. They must have never seen an air-guitar before, let alone one that jammed with so much epic.
Then, as if somebody turned the volume up, a tumultuous roar of approval spread across the hall. It was like a tidal wave, the most colourful tidal wave ever. The entire room erupted in an explosion of cheers and cries of 'Yes!' and 'Aye!'. The ground shook with the force of hundreds of thundering hooves stomping in applause and celebration. The light coursing and flickering in the walls grew to an almost blinding intensity once more as their cries threatened to lift the entire Crystal Citadel off the ground. I played a furious extended air-guitar solo as I hip-thrusted to the rocking revelry, cries and cheers and....
.....really hot screaming of one particularly loud voice that was titillating into a rather moving crescendo of unabated passion. "OH, BUUUUCK YEEEEEEEEEES!"
I finish my air-jamming with a flourish of my now sweaty fingers. I breathed in the thick, heavy air filled with almost drunken revelry. It smelled of awesome and sexy. Especially sexy. The heat on my skin was almost scalding, but I simply basked in its fiery glow as I allowed it to sink in.
Holy. Fluting. Macaroons. Yeah.
I sighed, shaking my sweat-locked mass of spiky hair out of my face as I gazed across the sea of cheering colours. "Thank you!" I shouted, "Thank you! I'm here all night! And every night! So are the comfortable warm beds I promised! And definitely not mine! My bed's got a 3 month long waiting list while we clean out 1000 years worth of stains, I'm afraid." I said. There was an undercurrent of giggles at this, "As long as it's a room free of big evil dark overlords and/or suspicious-looking stains in the carpet, you're free to make it yours. Don't forget to take your pillows and blankets as our last laundry day was unfortunately last Friday, 1000 years ago." More laughter. "Sleep well tonight, and every night. You've all earned it."
The ponies, sensing my speech had ended, immediately stirred into a burst of excited chatter. It was as if a heavy lid had come off and all the repressed hope and cheer suddenly came flooding out. They spoke excitedly of plans, plans for tonight, for tomorrow, for the future. Goodness only knows how long they have been denied that luxury.
Now I could only hope this will somehow reach those who had decided to leave the room earlier.
I turned to look at Twilight, hoping to be greeted by her look of approval. But what I found instead was a look of quiet wide-eyed disbelief, twangs of hair jutting out randomly out of her frazzled mane. Huh, is rock a little too loud for her? She even had her hooves pressed tight over a bewildered Dinky's eyes and ears. Hey, now, my Dinky will grow up listening to this new sound! Hah, old fashioned Twilight. It'll catch on, mark my hip-rockin' words. I mean, look at how quickly it took with the others!
"That was so wrong!" One mare giggled as she sauntered past.
"The right kind of wrong, you mean." Another replied.
"My kind of evil." Another sighed.
"If Ahuizotl's all that's good, let darkness rule, I say."
"B-Buck yeah for fingers! P-please, s-sir, can I have s-some more?" A breathless little voice rasped pleadingly. I looked down and found the limp form of a certain mint-green mare draped across my raised knee, her horn locked firmly in a guitar chord. The G major chord to be precise. In my fingers, to be even more painfully precise.
"I knew it'd be an instant hit." I grinned at her obvious enjoyment of my little show as I gingerly let go of her rather moist horn, causing her to gasp and squirm a little. "Got enough here to go aaaaaall night, Lyra." I flounced my newfound source of limitless awesome. Air-guitar? Buck yeah.
"Ah....I-I s-see....w-why you need a-a thousand...of us, yep. Like, 100 for each finger..." Lyra sighed, blearily, eyes seemingly heavy with sleepiness. "M-maybe...after...I rest a...like...2 days...or ten. Yeah, ten sounds good." She whispered, before going all Crystal Heart on me and falling asleep on my knee.
"Yeah, I have that effect on the ladies." I sighed, hefting the sleeping Lyra back up into my arms.
"Sending them straight to sleep, your lordship?" Rarity sauntered up to greet us with a chuckle.
"Dreaming beautiful wet dreams, my dear." I winked.
Rarity giggled at this, "Well, she won't be the only one dreaming nice dreams tonight, I'm sure. You've certainly given us the certainty we need, your lordship....with quite the side order of unexpected panache too, I must say. I worry you will quickly outgrow your cloak now." She gave me a little sigh, "I'm...only worried that the high pedestal Ms. Heartstrings is putting you on will only put you out of our reach, dear."
"I won't be..." I said, though with a touch of uncertainty. "I'm sure I won't be."
"We'd....better get Lyra to bed." Twilight muttered, weakly. "Before...something else happens to her....like her spontaneously combusting or something."
"Well, better let me handle the potentially explosive stuff then." Ever helpful Applejack sauntered up behind Rarity, "Give her to me, before anything else catches fire."
"So little faith." I sighed, letting Applejack take my snoozing Lyra. "Thanks, Applejack. I'd take her myself but I have just a few more fires to put out tonight."
"Ah'm sure ya do." Applejack muttered, hefting Lyra onto her back before trotting away without another look at me.
"Don't put them out too much, for their sake.", Rarity gave me a brief smile before going off after her friend.
".....did I miss some innuendo or something somewhere?" I asked, feeling like I had missed out on something big somewhere along the way.
"....." Twilight sighed, "Must be your Overdude sense." She said, turning her attention back to Dinky.
Hmm, odd. Some kind of pony nuance that flew over my head? But I didn't let my mind dwell on that for too long. My gaze fell upon what I had imprinted on my mind as my 'favourite little corner'. With Lyra's stunt done and over with with little to no incendiary fallout, I decided it was a good a time as any to go seek more fire to play with. And what better fire than the shimmering flame of the sunset herself? 'Ah, what a masochist I am' I thought to myself as I finally got around to my 'most humble and loyal servant'. I made my way to the corner, hoping to find my prisoner still there. To my great surprise she was. And not just her but an entire herd of fillies sat or lay huddled together in the corner. I couldn't help but wonder if she had gathered them all together for safekeeping. Looks like Ditzy had arrived ahead of me and was gathering up the fillies.
"Put your eyes on the right way around! For the last time, I'm not a filly!" Sunset Shimmer's shrill voice sailed up to meet me like the Titanic.
"You are one to me. And look, I can prove it to you." Ditzy said, pointing a hoof at what looked like some scrawls drawn on the ground in what looked like fruit juice.
"..." Sunset Shimmer rolled her eyes and peered down at the scrawls. "....you're seriously using the second Starswirl equation of abs-so-cute relativity to describe my size and cuteness as a function of your own cuteness and thereby derive my approximate age as a fraction of your own?" She asked in disbelief. "But going by this you've approximated my age to be 7 years old!"
"6 and a half, actually, if you apply Time Turner's corollary correction factor. Look, I even put a heart at the end?" Ditzy said with a hopeful smile, exhibiting logic as cold as an iceberg. "Come with us. There'll be food and warm beds for everypony."
"I am not a filly! I'm big and grown up!" Sunset Shimmer leapt up onto her hooves as if demonstrating just how big she was. Ditzy had a point, Sunset Shimmer was kind of the iPod mini to the rest of her pony peers. "You're just fat, that's all! So fat that, that, if we go by your logic the moon is a filly!" She also had the mental maturity and tendency for tantrums to match.
Her eyes fell upon my approaching form. They widened into a pair of emerald moons as she gave a desperate little squeak. "U-um, actually, I am a little filly! P-please, t-take me, take me with you! Take me now!" She shifted on her hooves uncertainly before suddenly turning tail. But her scrabbling hooves found no purchase upon thin air as she was suddenly lifted bodily into the air.
"Don't worry, Ditzy. This little filly's mine." I said, scooping her up and holding her fast underneath one arm. Jeez, quarterbacks think they've got a hard time? At least footballs don't squirm, flail and scream cutely at you.
"Argh! P-put m-me down!" She cried, hooves flailing helplessly at thin air. "Or...or...I will...I will do nasty things to you!" She threatened, though I noticed she hadn't lit up her horn as I've noticed other unicorns do when turning hostile. Either she wasn't serious or she was afraid of being horn-snubbed again.
"Feel free to take the rest of the fillies. Thanks, Ditzy." I said, nodding at Ditzy, who gave me a little wave in return before leading the bewildered fillies away, one wing raised straight up like a tour-guide's flag leading the way.
"Hey! Don't you dare ignore me threatening to do horrible and mean things to you! Cause I mean it! I will be mean to you!" Sunset Shimmer shrieked. "This. Is. Me. Being. MEAN!" She blew up her cheeks and pouted massively, turning herself into the very picture of a ripe tomato.
I sighed as I broke into a stride, carrying her along with me out of the grand hall and into a long side corridor. "If you wanted to do horrible mean things to me, you would already have done that by now, Starswirl the Bearded the 12.5th. Heck, you didn't need to sit in the corner or gather the lost orphan fillies together. You could have gone and hopped back in your airship and found some other dark overlord to rudely poke awake, or go raid the Citadel for glitter-powered weaponized cuteness of mass distraction, or scatter flea powder in everyone's beds, you know, evil unicorn sorceress stuff." I said, matter-of-factly, "Or are you seriously telling me the best this filly who summoned the greatest dark overlord of all time could do is blow up her cheeks at me?"
"Watch. Me." She managed to say through her puffed up cheeks, even managing to puff her cheeks up even more.
"Yes, I was." I said, "All throughout the prayer."
She gave a little gasp, her cheeks deflating very quickly, leaving behind a pair of rose-tinted cheeks. Yes, I had watched her raise her hooves in the air and join in the little faith-rousing. "I...I was just bored!" She snapped, haughtily. "This corner's kind of, you know, square!"
"Bored enough to do the cupcake bit." I grinned, noting her slightly bloodshot right eye.
"I-I didn't want to stay i-in the c-corner a-any longer than I had to, that's all!" She huffed, indignant. "A-and every bit helps power up the shields. Even the cupcake!"
"So you do care." I smirked.
"Hmph..." She turned her face away from me and refused to look at me all throughout our little journey. "I swear I'll chew your eyebrows off..." She muttered, finally settling on something diabolically mean to threaten me with. I had never feared for my eyebrows more.
"Kinky." I replied simply, as we disappeared together into some random corridor.
Meanwhile, back in the newly appointed throne room, two unicorns were huddled close together, poring over what would become the Empire's first meaningful work of art and literature. Which wasn't that difficult considering everything else the empire had ever produced had something or other to do with dongs.
"....lu....lu....tia..." Twilight said, slowly, peering over Dinky's shoulder, slowly guiding Dinky's head with her hooves the little filly finished the last letter with a flourish of the quill in her mouth. They paused as they regarded Dinky's handiwork, a little picture of what looked like a miniature unicorn sitting atop a massive grinning planet with messy spiky bed hair that threatened to violently stab the sun and moon in the corners of the picture. Around them were the messy scrawls that barely passed for Equine script, Dinky's first attempt at writing.
"U-umm....is that good?" Dinky asked, voice filled with both giddy hope and dreadful uncertainty like a foal waiting for her first ever gift from Santa Hooves.
"It's perfect." Twilight said with a satisfied smile, patting Dinky. "Now all you've got to do is show him."
"U-umm....b-but....what if....what if he doesn't like it?" Dinky murmured, dreadful uncertainty taking over. "What if....he doesn't....want Dinky?"
"Dinky..." Twilight sighed, pulling the little unicorn into a tight embrace. She probably wished deep inside that she could give Dinky the reassurance she wanted to hear. But both of them had only known me for all of a few hours at best. Even Twilight wasn't sure, but was wise enough to keep that uncertainty to herself. "You've done your best. The only thing you can do now is hope for the best."
"Y-yes....D-Dinky will!" Dinky said, grasping the little sheet of parchment in a tight embrace as if it contained all that she could ever hope and dream of having in her life. "T-thanks, Ms. Twilight..."
"You're very welcome, Dinky. And when we're all settled we'll carry on working on your reading and writing, alright?" Twilight said with a smile as she released Dinky.
"R-really?! T-that would be amazing, Ms. Twilight! D-Dinky has always wanted to be able to read everypony's expressions. Dinky's always wondered what bit forms the letters, is it the mouth or the eyes? Or is it the nose when it wrinkles or the eyebrows when they bristle?"
"Oh, Dinky." Twilight chuckled. Her attention was quickly caught up by the approaching Ditzy. "Oh, hello, Ditzy. You found all the fillies?"
"Yes. I was hoping you'd be able to help me list down their names and details while I get them their food?" Ditzy asked.
"I'll be right back, Dinky." Twilight said, before stepping away to talk to Ditzy, leaving Dinky to sit back and admire her handiwork once more. It was her first ever work of art. She had often watched other fillies and colts walk home with their families, showing off their latest Sunday school work to their proud and doting parents. It had been something she had never dared wish for from where she sat watching in her dark little alleyway, something she only ever dared dream of in her fitful sleep - To not only have the parchment and quill to draw and write, but have somepony to be proud of her work. And now she hoped against hope that her chance had come at last.
"Oh hey, look, Diamond Tiara, it's the sound of coins in a beggar bowl." A familiar voice burst her little bubble with all the subtlety of a cannonball.
"Oh yeah, Silver Spoon. Wasn't it the sound of a foal peeing herself in a flooded storm drain? Wasn't it, like, 'Dink, dink, dink'? But I suppose she'd know, she's the expert, on both accounts." Said yet another voice, one even more familiar than the last, one that immediately summoned dread and fear within little Dinky.
"Oh...umm....h-hello, Ms. S-Silver Spoon, Ms. D-D-Diamond Tiara..." Dinky's voice faltered at their approach, "Y-you're both h-here too?"
"Not for long, pee bowl." Diamond Tiara scoffed, "My daddy would be here soon to pick me up!" She said, though with the slightest hint of forced hope.
"And my mommy!" Silver Spoon added.
"But....you've both been marked..." Dinky pointed out out of genuine concern. "I-if y-you go back they'll..."
"S-shut up!" Diamond Tiara barked, the shaking in her voice betraying her worst fears, "My daddy's a mean-mister for lord A-whoo-sort! He makes everything right! And he loves me more than anything in the world!" Her lips quivered a little at this, uncertainty claiming her, "B-but y-you....you wouldn't know what that is! Y-you've n-never had a daddy! You got thrown out with the rest of the garbage! But not even the garbage wants you cause you're marked!" She cried, almost tearfully.
"B-but...D-Dinky's n-not..." Dinky whispered, almost curling up into a little ball.
"You know why I have a daddy and you don't? Because my daddy loves me! But you, nobody would ever want you!" Diamond Tiara was crying and shrieking earnestly now. "Because not only are you a horny, you're a crack-horn! That makes you worse than garbage, and no daddy would ever ever want you near let alone as a daughter!"
"Wai....Diamond, that's...." The gray-coated filly next to her muttered, taken aback.
"What?! It's true! I'm always right!" Diamond Tiara wailed, tears streaming down her heated face, "I-I'll s-show you! D-Daddy...D-daddy... I want my daddy!" She cried, rushing off towards where Ditzy and Twilight were huddled in deep discussion. Silver Spoon gave Dinky one last troubled look before rushing after her friend who had managed to make enough of a commotion to earn herself some concerned comforting from both Twilight and Ditzy.
Dinky, meanwhile, sat, eyes glazed over, gazing at empty nothings as they peered right through the sheet of parchment in front of her.
...Worse....than garbage...
Little did they know, Crystal Heart had listened in on the whole conversation.
To be continued in Part 2