The Tale of Twitchums McButternubs
Chapter 5
Part 1 in "The Wedding Trilogy"
“What? How long have you been waiting here?” Twitchums eyed the pink earth pony that stood before him.
“Ohhhh, not too long.” She replied, beginning to trot around him. She stopped suddenly and stared into his eyes. “Only about 6 hours.” A wicked smile grew upon her face. “How was your day with Princess Celestia?”
Twitchums was horrified at how Pinkie had found out. She seemed to read his mind and pointed toward the author. He cringed when he re-read the line and began to cower in his comfy chair, silently typing for Pinkie to lower her hoof. She did.
“Twitchy-poo, I don’t like sharing you with Applejack and Rainbow Dash. What makes you think I’d want to share you with that meanie princess pants?” She flicked her tail at him. He stood in place and began to sweat. “And what do you think everypony would do if I told them about our late night baking sessions?” The wicked smile grew larger. “And the sex?”
“Pinkie, what are you getting at here?” He regretted asking the question almost immediately.
“It’s simple, actually. I want you to choose somepony. Only one of us.” Twitchums was horrified. How could he choose one pony when he obviously was madly in love with at least four of them! “And I expect you to choose the right one, or I’ll tell everypony about us. You have until tomorrow.” With that Pinkie disappeared. Quite literally. Her being had instantaneously vanished, the sound of laughing heard, but fading into the blackness of the night.
“Rainbow Dash, we have to talk.” Twitchums began. He knew he had to do the right thing even though it was incredibly hard for him. Being a hardened criminal prepared him for a lot in his life, making him an emotional rock, but nothing could have prepared him for telling the love of his life that he had cheated on her.
“What’s up honey?” She had a smile on her face as she sat calmly upon his bed.
“Babe, I don’t think we should get married next year like we planned.”
Rainbow’s face crumbled. She stared at him, dumbfounded and waiting for his explanation. After a minute of silence she proceeded.
“And… and why not?” She tried to fight back the tears forming in her eyes. One escaped her eye and trickled down her cheek, gleaming in the sunlight that shone through the window.
“It’s time to be hones to you. I… I… I THINK WE SHOULD GET MARRIED NEXT WEEK INSTEAD.” Now that the news was out in the open, he smiled a toothy grin, releasing the horrible smell of halitosis into the room. Rainbow Dash began to cry now, but for a different reason than before. It smelled horrible, after all.
Rainbow Dash and Twitchums announced their plans to marry to everyone they could find. Applejack hid her depression with a smile and then proceeded to down her sorrows in apple cider. Twilight and Rarity squealed in excitement and quickly set off to plan the wedding and come up with ideas for a dress and tuxedo, leaving Twitchums a date to come to the Carousel Boutique for a fitting. Even Fluttershy was excited, flying back to her cottage to prepare her birds to sing at the wedding.
Everypony they knew was told; except Big Macintosh. He didn’t deserve to find out.
The last pony on the list was Pinkie Pie. Rainbow Dash spoke to the Cake family in hopes of finding the perfect wedding cake to suit their extra-stupendous wedding. Twitchums (being the manliest pony ever) realized that the cake choice was beneath him and decided it was time to tell Pinkie his choice.
“Pinkie you in here?” He asked into the empty room. He closed her apartment door behind him, closing out the conversation going on about the cake. In the center of the room sat Gummy the alligator, staring into nothingness. Its tail moved occasionally, whipping from side to side. “Pinkie? It’s me, Twitchums McButternubs. I’ve made my decision.”
Suddenly Gummy began to expand exponentially, exploding with a loud bang; confetti flying all over the room from the alligators entrails. Pinkie Pie stood in the spot Gummy had previously occupied with a smile on her face. She stretched her body forward and wrapped her hooves around Twitchums neck, pulling him closer.
“Oh Twitchy! You’ve come back for me! I knew you’d choose me over the other ponies!” She stroked his mane forcefully.
“Pinkie let me go, I gotta tell you something.” He looked around the room again quickly. “Damn, I could’ve sworn you liked that alligator.”
“Oh, you mean Gummy? I LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE my little Gummy Wummy!” She reached behind her and picked up Gummy who stared at Twitchums blankly. He opened his mouth and bit down on Pinkie’s mane. She let out a giggle and gently tore him off of her.
“Yeeeah, ok. Pinkie I’ve made my choice.”
“Yesssssssss?” She leaned forward excitedly, a smile growing beyond its possible limit.
“Pinkie, you know that we have a deep connection of love and caringness and other words that imply a loving relationship that the author has no desire to convey at the moment in his mad rush to complete this chapter.” The author stopped and realized that the previous paragraph didn’t help at all. “You know that the night we spent together at the party was amazing. We shared a connection I’ve never had with anypony else and never will again.” There. That’ll have to do.
Pinkie Pie continued smiling, waiting for what she wanted to hear.
“Pinkie, I’ve chosen to marry Rainbow Dash. Her relationship has a different connection. One based on trust and hasty judgments made but a few days ago. One whose sanctity I have willingly and repeatedly breached. But I must stay with her. Because...” Twitchums took an overly long dramatic pause then continued. “SHE’S HAVIN’ MA BABY!”