//------------------------------// // Chapter 3: Optimism meets Pessimism // Story: Pessimism and Sarcasm // by Jerec the Ascendant //------------------------------// Pessimism and Sarcasm Chapter 3 Optimism meets Pessimism Another morning I wake up in Equestria and not at home in my bed. Can I just say, I've never really liked sleep-overs, and this is worse because I'm not even with my friends. I’m stuck in a room with several extra-dimensional creatures, almost all of them asking questions, staring in curiosity, and in general not helping me adapt to this environment. The most fun I’ve had here was when they decided to tell scary stories. We watched “Jurassic Park” on my laptop and it scared the proverbial pants off them. Otherwise, my depression seems to love the seat it's taken in my mind. Time to go stop it in its tracks with some video games. Slowly and silently, I crawl over to my possessions, where I grab my laptop and put on my glasses. Stepping carefully around the snoring ponies, I reach the stairs and tiptoe down into the main room of the library. I settle myself onto the floor and hit the power button. What game should I play? Maybe Mass Effect would be best - for some nostalgia. It gets to the start screen, and I just decide to let it continue playing Vigil's theme, while I wait for that cool short video to play. "Many decisions lie ahead - none of them easy." You've no idea how right you are. Let the game begin. Making what’s likely my fourth or fifth character on the PC alone, I decide to go with a FemShep Infiltrator, who was born a spacer but became a war hero. My favorite combination for Shepard's back story. I travel through the first level and get to the point where Jenkins gets killed by Geth Drones. I hear a gasp behind me and a small “Oh my!" I immediately pause the game. Can I ever get a moment to just relax? I turn my head and find myself staring at a wall of white fur. Above me is Princess Celestia, looking down at the screen of my laptop. How did I not notice her coming in? She has hooves - she's not exactly quiet. Do I really shut out the world around me this much when I play games? "Uh, hi." Her great eyes fall from the Mass Effect pause menu to me. Her face is contorted with either a feeling of worry or disdain - disdain for what my entertainment seems to be made up of. "He just died didn't he? Are all the things you entertain yourself with this violent?" "Not all of them,” I feel my cheeks redden and I fiddle with the buttons on my controller. “Just, heh, just most of them. Look if you knew about human history you probably wouldn't be surprised. And besides, some of these violent games have a lot of thought put into the storyline. Take this one for example: it's actually rated more for the overall storyline and not actually the violence." Come to think of it, if she knew human history I might not even be allowed to stay here - or at least allowed to roam free. "So I take it the history of your people is filled with violence." Her voice trembles slightly, each word stumbling out of her mouth. "Yeah. We humans have a long, rather bloody past. Not all of it is bloody, but a large portion is. Many of us don't like war, but sometimes the violence is, unfortunately, necessary.” War...war never changes. Ah, Fallout. Maybe I should have played Fallout instead. "So, uh, how long have you been up?" "I awoke just after you had stood up. I was going to raise the sun when I heard voices coming from your...’laptop’, was it?" I nod in response. "In any case, I heard voices coming from your laptop so I decided to investigate, and then I saw that." Her quivering voice is making me uncomfortable. May as well make her happy. “Well, since this is too violent, I guess I’ll turn it off." "Oh no, that’s not necessary. I'm actually quite curious about it." I look at her skeptically. When she sees the Geth impale someone on a Dragon's Tooth, she'll lose her lunch, and I’ll lose my computer. "No, I'm gonna turn it off. There’s a part coming up that you'd definitely not like." I start toward the save button, but she places a giant hoof over my controller. "I've ruled this kingdom for more than a thousand years. I doubt there's..." As she says this, my skeptical face returns, and she receives the message quickly. She was greatly disturbed by the movie last night after all - and this game easily puts the horror in “Jurassic Park” to shame. But just as I expect her to remove her hoof and let me quit the game, she giggles. "I simply wasn't prepared for that last night; ghost stories and movies here aren't nearly as violent as that, but now that I know what to expect I'm sure I can handle it." "You sure you’re sure?" She takes on a determined look. Oh no, looks like she's accepted the challenge! I smirk and turn back to my computer. When she’s settled herself onto the floor next to me, I press “continue”. Within minutes, a metallic sliding sound is heard, accompanied by the sickeningly wet sound of flesh being rent and torn. Celestia is staring at the screen, her hoof over her mouth. "May-maybe I wasn't as prepared as I thought I'd be." Her face has turned slightly green, and I can hear her body trying to disgorge anything that might be in her stomach. I twitch a little with each gag she makes. Her face is rather close to my own. Do none of these ponies know about personal space? I’m close to just saving and quitting. I turn to face her and I can’t help but let out a small chuckle. She’s somewhat hunched forward now with both of her wings curled over her mouth. Her pupils have shrunk to the size of a needle’s head, but she continues to stare at a Dragon’s Tooth that has a recently impaled victim on it. “Are you satisfied?” I ask smugly. She shuts her eyes. "N-no, continue. I'm still intrigued by this, but I have to wonder just how you consider this entertainment." Her eyes open again and start returning to normal, and she seems to be getting control of herself again. "Alright, but just so you know it's only going to get worse." Her pupils shrink once again. "Y-you mean that the impalement isn’t the worst of it?!" She looks at me in near shock, wondering how exactly it could get worse. I am actually impressed that Celestia has made it this far. I mean, in the show they'd mentioned war and they've gotten into some combat scenarios but none of it was anywhere near as bad as this. I shrug and look at her blankly. "Not even close. You sure you want to continue watching? I'm fine with turning it off. As much as I'd like to continue playing, I realize that you can't handle this much violence." She seems to consider my offer, but as I say the last part of that sentence her face shifts to that determined look again. Pony “challenge accepted” face. I'm doomed. She's going to confiscate all of my gaming supplies and my depression will be left unchecked. “No,” she commands. “You may continue.” Half an hour later, I save after Shepard awakens on the Normandy. Celestia decides that now is as good a time as any to raise the sun. I try to work it out in my head. If the sun is rising now, then it’s probably about five o’clock back home. Then I woke up at what was likely about four o’clock Earth time. Maybe. Shortly after the Celestia raises the sun, the rest of the group wakes up and gets ready for the day. We go to Twilight’s kitchen for breakfast: pancakes and eggs. I watch carefully as the pancakes are made, making sure no inedible oddity is added. I’m very hungry after all; it’s been I don't know how long since I’ve eaten, and I don’t want any digestion issues to arise because there was hay in my pancakes. As we sit around the table eating, I start to feel like someone is missing. But then I look over at Pinkie Pie. "HOLY CRAP!!" I stare wide-eyed as she engulfs four stacks of pancakes in one go. These stacks are taller than me. She just swallowed the weight and height of probably me and an entire pony in pancakes. Of course, though, her meal has almost no effect on her appearance. All that happens after she swallows the pancakes is a quick inflation of her body to almost three times her size, then a return to normal. Note to self: never trip into a large cake. You will never be found. The others just shrug it off. I’m sure it’s normal for them, but I can’t stop staring wide-eyed. "Time for seconds!" Pinkie skips back to the stove to make another batch of pancakes. Seconds. I don't even know what happened to her firsts; they were there and then they were gone. Almost seconds later she returns to the table with even larger stacks of pancakes, and they vanished all the same. "Pinkie Pie, I don't mean to be rude or anything but...where do you put it all?" Pinkie Pie puts a hoof under her chin and appears to ponder. With a glance at Twilight I see that she, along with all the others, has stopped eating to focus, as if they were about to hear the answer to life, the universe, and everything. Pinkie’s pondering comes to an end with a shrug. She then bounces excitedly in place, giggling. "I've always wanted to find out though. Wanna help?" She bounces up to me and then places her front legs on my knees, staring me in the face while simultaneously sending a flashlight out of her mane, and into the grasp of that front lock of hair. Immediately I grab her muzzle to keep it closed. "No thanks. That's better left to your doctor." I let go after she gives me a nod. "I would but he vanished one day." Her face turned from her normal extremely cheery face to a somewhat serious, slightly worried face. "I asked everypony in town, but they don't know where he went." For a half a moment I swear I hear muffled yelling. After seeing Pinkie Pie's method of eating first-hand, breakfast ends quickly for me. I am too disturbed by the physical absurdities of this pony to have any appetite. Especially now that she’s having her fifth helping, and still as skinny as usual. She's like a freaking TARDIS! Making my way back to the main room of the library I find myself in the company of Rarity. My shoulders fall. All last night she was bothering me about my clothes. I ignore her gaze and go to the corner I’ve basically decided to claim as my own and sit down. She trots over and quietly inspects me, however, looking at my clothes at an uncomfortably close distance. "Does anyone here understand personal space, or am I the only one?" At that she jumps and blushes, retreating a bit further away. "Oh my. Excuse me darling, I just got caught up looking at those odd but fashionable symbols on your clothing. They look simply amazing." She’s fawning over the Mass Effect icons, but I notice her modest aversion to my clothes in general. Finally she comes clean. "Though I must admit, the rest of your ensemble needs quite the touch up. Those pants are hideous." Maybe a little too clean... "They're cargo pants. I wear them because they're comfy and can fit a lot in their pockets." "Oh, but I could make them look so much better,” she exclaims. “You could really stand out and, even better, you'd be the talk of fashion everywhere!" "No thanks." "What?!" "As I said, I wear clothes because they're comfortable. Not to make some fashion statement." “Well I could still take your measurements and make some new clothes for you,” she says desperately. “It may just give me some new inspiration." I roll my eyes, but so that she can’t see. "Uh, kinda short on finances at the moment, and I doubt you'd accept the little bit of money I have anyway." "Nonsense, darling! The inspiration this task will provide me with will be payment enough. We'll just have to get you to the boutique first." "That will have to come after Twilight presents him to Ponyville.” Celestia’s interruption came as a relief, but after I hear the end of it, I’m even more anxious. “Luna and I would, but we must return to Canterlot for our duties - though I must admit this short break was welcome. Goodbye and good luck, Jacob." She smiles at me, then exits the room. "Do not worry,” Luna says to me. “As was said before, Celestia and I will continue to search for a possible way for you to return home. We will also assign others to search the library at the Crystal Empire, and I’m sure Princess Twilight will be working hard to help you as well.” The two princesses smile at each other. “With luck we shall find something." Luna then leaves too. "Well this should be nice and awkward." Twilight turns to me, confused. “What makes you say that?" "Just a hunch, Twilight. Just a hunch." It doesn’t take long to prove that my hunch was accurate. Once everypony’s ready, they decide to take me on a tour of Ponyville. Immediately as we head out of the library, I notice that as the residents see me, their eyes nearly pop out of their heads and they become pretty eager to shut themselves in their houses. The only thing that seems to be keeping them from panicking is my entourage. But I can't say I blame them for being nervous around some new tall, gangly creature. We keep wandering, Pinkie Pie bouncing around and pointing out all the fascinating aspects of town - like that pebble. And that blade of grass. We’re making our way to the town square, so I can be introduced to Mayor Mare. "So, is Mayor Mare her full name, or is her name just Mare, and the Mayor part is just a title?" "You know, after all this time, I've never actually thought about that." Twilight looks up, pondering. The others do so as well. It seems nopony thought of that before. I close my eyes and try to crack my neck when I smash into something. The dirt road that I land on hurts plenty, and the weight of the object crashes down onto my sternum, knocking me onto my back. I look up angrily for whatever hit me, but when I figure it out, all the pain I’m feeling goes into my head. On top of me is a blonde Pegasus with a grey body lying on my chest, her head swaying back and forth, eyes rolling in her head. I have to look away - her dizziness is making me dizzy. Then I feel as she shakes her head, and almost hear her brain rattling. I look back at her to notice that her eyes had settled in an odd cross-eyed look. My eyebrows fall over my own eyes. "Excuse me. But could you, you know, get off?" "Oops, sor-" She pauses mid sentence and tilts her head quizzically. "Whoa!" She jumps off, and backs away a bit. I take that moment to sit up at least, rubbing the back of my head from where it collided with the ground. She still looks confused, but then she tries to look apologetic. "Uhm, I'm sorry for crashing into you." She gives me this cheesy little smile that I swear makes her cheeks squeak. "Don't worry about it. I just hope this doesn't become some regular thing with the rest of the town." I could end up in the hospital...again. As I stand up however, the Pegasus moves a little behind Twilight and the gang. "Derpy, don't be scared of him; he's not so tough. He's kinda cool actually.” Wow. Thanks, Rainbow Dash. Sure means a lot. "Whoa, cool dude! Hey, RD what's that thing you're walkin' with?!" 'Thing’. That's new. I look toward the new voice's source and see a white Unicorn mare with electric blue hair and metallic purple shades. She was sitting at a turn table and had a large smile on her face. Rainbow flies over and hoof bumps the Unicorn. "Yo Vinyl. This is Jacob. He's something called a hue-man. He's gonna be hangin' out here for a while." "Sweeet." Twilight decides to break in at that moment, pushing Derpy out from under her legs, where she had hidden herself, unconvinced by Dash’s claims. "Yes, and we need to get to the Mayor's office. We need to introduce him to the rest of Ponyville." “Okay then! Hey RD, catch ya later dude!" She scratched at her discs and waved goodbye, while Derpy stood by, dizzily watching us go. We head on toward the Mayor’s office. I hope this goes better than the reactions I’ve seen so far. As soon as I enter the office, I know it'll be somewhat awkward. Even though Twilight entered first, explaining the situation, once she saw me, Mayor Mare simply stared with disbelief and an open mouth at my presence. If I made a bet on the reactions of the towns folk, I'd be rich. As I sit there, letting the others talk, the Mayor keeps adjusting her glasses, probably hoping that I'm just some kind of hallucination due to them. I feel just as uncomfortable as you, ma’am, but we're stuck here. Accept it. She squints at me a little, then removes her glasses completely and starts cleaning them on her tie. I roll my eyes. "Your glasses work fine. I'm not going to be disappearing anytime soon. Unfortunately." "Oh,” she says as she laughs nervously. “Sorry about that." She finally takes her eyes off of me. "Princess Twilight, I'm just not sure how well this will go. Are you certain this is the best way to deal with the situation?" "As long as we stay with him for the first few days, I'm sure everypony will get used to him." "Okay, as long as you're sure," the Mayor says, hesitantly, but assenting. "Of course I'm sure. We’ve handled tons of crazy situations. This will be easy in comparison. What could possibly go wrong?" I can’t help myself, and I spit out, "Famous last words!" Twilight simply looks at me, shaking her head. When we’re all outside again, Twilight says "How about to start, we head to the train station? The train from Canterlot should be pulling in soon, and we need to pick up Spike." Oh, that’s it. That’s who we’ve been missing. "So, who is Spike exactly?” Of course I know who he is. I just want to hear her say the phrase. "Spike is a young dragon, and my number one assistant!” As we continue on, we pass by more ponies, who stare at me with intrigued but fearful eyes. Then our path is crossed by a light brown stallion with a dark brown mane and an image of an hourglass on his hindquarters. Somehow he's supposed to resemble The Doctor, but I don't see it. His eyes were closed until he passed our group, and that's when he stops. His eyes open, showing his confusion. He hears me walking, hears that I don’t have hooves. Looking in our direction, he sees first the group, but then me as well. His eyes widen, while his pupils reduce in size. Then Fluttershy smiles at him, and he seems to relax. He falls into a trot beside her. "Uhm,” he whispers, though I can still hear him. “Wh-what exactly is that thing?" Really? Again with calling me a ‘thing’? "He's a human,” Fluttershy whispers back. “He's going to be staying in Ponyville for a while." At the moment the word ‘human’ was mentioned I feel suddenly like someone is watching me. Of course, almost everyone on the street is watching me, but this feels more like a intense stare. I glance around and catch an aquamarine Unicorn staring at me from behind a nearby bush. As soon as we make eye contact, though, she vanishes into the leaves. I look forward again, and try to ignore that. Dr. Whooves, apparently satisfied, continues on his way, though at a much faster pace than before. The rest of the way to the train station was full of more stares. It was actually rather unnerving, all these odd-looking Technicolor creatures just staring at me as if I’m the freak. I just had to end up here, didn't I? Finally we make it to the train station, and just in time for me to catch more stares from everypony getting off the train. ‘Everypony’. That word is just so easy to adapt to your vocabulary, yet I feel myself wince each time I think it. Most of the ponies trying to dismount the train stop dead in their tracks, slowing progress. However, others decide they're better off hightailing it out of here, so it isn’t too long before a certain young dragon steps off the train. Twilight and the group gallop over to greet him, while I decide to sit down on a nearby bench. I hope that meeting Spike isn’t as annoying as meeting Mayor Mare, though I know the “Number One Assistant” already has some points counted against him. "Okay Spike, I know he looks different but don't be scared. Just go introduce yourself." Looking over I see Twilight trying to encourage an obviously nervous and very scared Spike. What's he nervous about? He's the one with the fire breath. Spike gathers his courage and approaches me, his little claws curled into determined fists, though he’s still clearly nervous. He waddles over to my bench and says, "H-Hi, I'm Spike." How is he a dragon? He has no wings and yet he's clearly meant to be a European Dragon. "Hello Spike. I'm Jacob." He seems to loosen up just by hearing my tone. We then continue the tour of the town. This time, Twilight takes over leading it and is sure to take the time to point out the different shops and such. Each pony also shows me around their homes. Though Rainbow offered to fly me up, I happily observed her house from the ground. The final stop on the way back to Twilight's library was the Carousel Boutique, where Rarity forcibly took my measurements. Finally heading toward the library, I notice something very off about the surrounding area, and the size of our current group. "Uhm, where'd Pinkie Pie go? More importantly, why is the town devoid of life?"