1. Starswirl the Prankee (Revised)
Everbound.
Just the name sounded incredible, didn't it? Oh, to state the certainty of its lasting impression upon the land is breathtaking all its own.
And I, Starswirl the Sorcerer, was invited into its well-guarded community after a most fortunate run-in with the king and queen of Equestria a few days ago.
...okay, ‘fortunate run-in’ was a bit of a stretch. They had actually scheduled some seating for my magic show over in Manehatten a few weeks prior. While it wasn’t new to me that I had the pleasure of performing for regal or popular ponies, the king and queen were different because… well, they were rulers. Pretty sure that separated them from the rest almost immediately in terms of importance.
I wasn’t all that confident in accepting this invitation, either. I mean, when I sawed the queen in half onstage as part of my act, she decided to play it up a bit by screaming and acting terrified. The look of horror and shock on the king's face could be felt throughout the whole country, and the glare he gave me was the equivalent of an Ursa Major woken up less than a week into hibernation.
It was hard to keep my stage face when I considered the possibility of life imprisonment or execution from potentially murdering a queen, but somehow I managed. And I came out better for it, since the queen offered me a job I found... very difficult to refuse, especially when she had such a wonderful smile. And especially with his eyes bearing down upon me. I've seen full-grown dragons that are less intimidating.
So I found myself staring at those golden gates of the castle after a short walk through the town today. By gods, was it majestic. Tower spires that pierced the skies! Lances of honor, justice, and nobility held proudly within the hooves of the Royal Guard that stood tall outside the walls! It was all quite a bit to take in, given that Manehatten never had anything like this there.
A small bead of sweat trickled down my grey head and onto my nose before falling onto the ground. More would fall, but it was absorbed by my navy blue cloak, making it look darker than usual. And I was thankful none of it gathered in my mid-length black beard; it gets incredibly sticky when that happens.
I stepped forth, approaching one of the gate guards.
Don't screw this up. You got this, Swirl. You. Got. This.
"E-excuse me. I-I-Is this the castle of King Tidus and Queen Aura?" I stammered.
Smooth and classy. Gentlecolt you are not.
"Yes, it is," the guard said. "Do you have business here?"
His rough voice caused me to straighten up immediately and clear my throat. "I do. The king and queen personally invited me to discuss a new vocation."
"Name?" His stoic expression still remained. They were trained to not show much emotion on the job, I supposed.
"Starswirl the Sorcerer."
...or not, because he suddenly flashed me a mighty grin.
"Oho, you're the one that cut our fair queen in half! Walking to your execution, are you?" he snidely remarked.
"I should hope not. Such an event would be grizzly for an invitation like this." I dismissed the notion by waving my hoof. "And to my knowledge, King Tidus is quite the peaceful ruler and hasn't shed a single drop of blood in any confrontation he's dealt with," I informed him.
The guard snorted. "Think what you will, sorcerer. You only know what's in books... and one doesn’t learn everything through books."
"Can I go see them now, or will you waste my time further? I would rather not keep the king and queen waiting any longer."
The guard, sensing my irritation, tapped his lance on the ground, and the gates swung inward toward the castle.
"Enjoy your stay at the castle, Starswirl. Oh, and mind the little... troublemakers inside."
"Troublemakers?"
He deigned not to answer, and instead gestured toward the gate. I huffed before walking through and towards the castle.
Just what did he mean by 'troublemakers', anyway?
I shrugged to no one in particular. Odds are I'll find out soon enough... but considering that I'm being brought in for a teaching assignment, surely he didn't mean...
Within minutes, the steel and brass-lined wooden doors of the castle were within hoof's reach. The wood was stained oak in color, and relayed as much strength. It would take a massive creature--or massive effort of hundreds--to break them down. Not that this seemed likely in any situation I foresaw.
I slowly budged the door open with my magic. Despite the size, the door was deceptively light. Probably so that they could actually be opened by common citizens like me. Thank the sun for that, or else I'd... have to just teleport in.
There hasn't been a day gone by where I'm unhappy that I'm a unicorn. Not to complain about flight or strength, but magic has a certain versatility that escaped a need for most ingenuity.
Stepping into the hallowed halls, with dark colorful banners reaching down from above, I treaded onto the carpet and approached the twin thrones at the end. The king and queen were nowhere to be found.
Odd, they invited me here but now they're not available? I KNEW that guard wasted too much of my time!
And then a giggle to my side caught my attention. I turned my head to the sound to meet-and-greet a cream pie with my face.
The pie tin fell to the ground, and through the white haze I could scantly see two young fillies peeking their heads out from a branching hallway.
They burst into laughter at my 'amusing' look, I assumed. I shook my head to render some of the whipped cream away so I could get a better look at the two troublema--
Oh, so THAT'S what the guard meant. Now I can see why.
The royal sisters. There wasn’t a stallion, mare, or newborn foal that didn’t know about Celestia and Luna. Fraternal sisters born roughly at the same time just a century into the rule of Tidus and Aura.
The elder, Celestia, bore a brilliant sheen of white for her coat, almost blindingly so. Coupled with a light pink mane and violet eyes, she looked about as vibrant as this very castle. The younger, Luna, had a blue mane and a darker blue coat, with eyes to match. Mischievous eyes. If Celestia was plucked out of a fairy tale, Luna was pulled out of a grimdark novel.
There were rumors circling about prior to my arrival about the children being unruly jesters, but I didn’t believe them. They were just rumors, after all. How much truth could be garnered from what could easily be construed as hearsay?
A lot of truth, apparently. That cream pie told me everything I needed to know about these two long before I started tutoring them. They were going to be difficult to teach, and that’s assuming they even wanted to learn.
Just as quickly as those two showed up, they vanished down the hallway, their giggling echoing as they ran off. I had nothing better to do considering the king and queen weren’t present, so I followed the sisters into the hallway. If I was going to start teaching these two, I needed to learn how they functioned.
Only when I rounded the corner, I knew this was a bad idea from the start. It was silly of me to think they only had one cream pie to chuck at me.
A wall of white was all I saw for a brief second before I was covered head-to-hoof in the sugary topping. The clamor of pie tins crashing to the floor could be heard throughout the castle, and yet I could still hear their giggling before it faded away as they fled down the hallway.
Within minutes Tidus and Aura arrived. At least, I think they did. I was buried in so much whipped cream I could barely make out the hoofsteps approaching me.
“Starswirl? Is that you under there?”
“Yes, Queen Aura.” I kept my composure.
“What on earth happened here?” King Tidus asked.
“I just met your daughters. Lovely bunch of fillies, those two.”
He laughed and she chuckled. “Yes, I suppose I forgot to mention that, didn’t I? Those two really know how to make a mess of things.” King Tidus’s blue magic cleaned away most of the topping on me, letting me see clearly again.
King Tidus looked as imposing as ever. Standing a good head taller than I, he looked down on me with those same ruby-red eyes that could strike fear into all the heads of a Hydra. Simultaneously. His fire-red and orange mane flowed as freely as actual flames, with an intimidating horn and set of wings to match the ferocity. With a yellow coat to finish off the scheme, he looked as if he was the living embodiment of the sun itself, and radiated as much intensity.
And his queen, Queen Aura, looked as majestic as the night itself. Her deep, dark violet coat stood in stark contrast to her bright husband, and while she was slightly shorter than he (and in horn length as well), she was no less imposing by boasting an incredible wingspan that would make many other pegasi incredibly jealous. While her lighter violet mane did not flow like Tidus’s did, it did not mar her beauty as she had it done up in a tasteful bun and decorated with white gemstones. Finally, she bore the most heavenly of ivory eyes; miniature moons of their own regard.
I shook my head, and found it still felt heavy. I realised that Tidus had purposely left some whipped cream on it, making my hat look frilly and ridiculous. I shook it off.
Ugh, Tidus may have the eyes of death, but he’s got the personality of a jester.
I got to the point. “Right, so you two invited me for a teaching job?”
Queen Aura nodded. “Correct, Starswirl. You’ll be our daughters’ private tutor. As you can see, Celestia and Luna can be… quite a hoofful to handle.”
I groaned inwardly. “I can see that. They’re still young and filled with energy. Though I must ask, why me? Aren’t there others out there that are more well-qualified for the job than I?”
“There are, and we’ve tried them all,” Aura said matter-of-factly before she turned her head to the side. “They all quit within three days.”
“Three days?!” I exclaimed. “What makes you think I’ll last longer than that?”
Tidus stated, “You’re still standing here after taking an avalanche of whipped cream head-on, and you still have a level head about you. Your tolerance for shenanigans is one of the foremost reasons why we want to hire you, Starswirl.”
“My tolerance for shenanigans?” I asked.
“Oh come now, Starswirl. Surely you remember how you got invited?”
I didn’t hesitate. “Yes. Back in Manehatten after my magic show.”
He nodded. “And you know what my wonderful wife did that night, right?”
Ugh, how could I forget? How could the whole CITY forget that night?
“Yes, I do. It caused quite the commotion in the press the next day. ‘Mad Magician Murders Queen in Magic Act!’, if I recall the tabloids correctly.”
They both chuckled at the headline, but Queen Aura recovered first. “That was a test, Starswirl. You see, we’re in need of a tutor that can tolerate incredible levels of stress. Given your incredible stage presence, we decided to test you that evening.”
“And you passed with flying colors!” Tidus cried out with unmatchable enthusiasm. “I thought for sure my stare would have you running for the hills!”
I blinked. Wait, they… they actually planned all of that?!
“Well, I, uh… I’m very glad to know that I passed. And I can see why that requirement is necessary. But, uh, what exactly does my job entail?”
“We’d like you to stay here for one week and teach our daughters about magic and its practical capabilities. You’re free to leave at any point should you feel like they’re too much for you to handle,” Tidus explained.
That’s… actually pretty generous of him.
“And if I’m still here when that week is over?”
“Then you either take the job for good, or leave. You’ll be paid handsomely for the week, but if you leave any sooner, then you won’t be paid a single bit.”
I knew there was a catch. Still, I needed the money. It wasn’t exactly like the queen’s little stunt did anything good for my public image.
But one question lingered in my head. “Am I responsible for anything else beyond simply teaching them magic?”
He smirked. “Not if you don’t want to be.” I raised an eyebrow, and he clarified, “Tutoring is all you’re responsible for, Starswirl. However, that doesn’t mean you don’t have to limit yourself to just that.
“You may escort them to their lessons using whatever methods you choose, so long as our daughters do not come to harm. And while you’re not responsible for protecting them, I do hope your better judgment prompts defending them when necessary. Nor are you responsible for the more intimate tasks like bathing them, but again, you’re free to do so.” He paused, and glared at me, instantly making me shrink down into a shivering ball. “Just don’t get any ideas.” His gaze relented, and the mood in the room improved considerably. “Now then, any more questions?”
“Nope! None at all!” I quickly responded, thankful that I was spared no more time under his gaze.
Aura flashed me another brilliant smile. “Splendid! Now then, I suppose you’ll want a formal introduction to our daughters, hm?”
I groaned. “What I want is a bath and a bed.”
The king chuckled. “In time, Starswirl. For now, you really should meet your students first. I believe they owe you an apology anyway.”
I was going to protest again, but then his eyes locked with mine, and my mouth snapped shut out of reflex.. Sheesh, those things could outstare a cockatrice… or twenty. All at once.
Begrudgingly I nodded. They led me down the hallway where those two munchkins escaped.
“So, is this your first time in the castle?” Queen Aura asked.
“Yes, it is,” I responded.
“Then it would serve thee well to learn the layout of the castle within the next two days.”
“Two days? Why?”
“My husband and I will depart for the Griffon Empire by then.”
Oh no, she’s not saying what I think she is…
“And… what does this mean for me, exactly?”
“Don’t worry about that. We’ve a caretaker assigned to the task of watching our daughters while we’re gone.”
I breathed a sigh of relief. I thought for a minute she was going to say--
“However, you’re free to help them if you so wish. In fact, we encourage it so that you might have a better understanding of Celestia and Luna.”
Yep. She did.
“Right. I’m sorry, but I haven’t even had a child of my own yet, so I’ve no idea how to handle children that well. But now that this has come up, what should I do if they become… unruly during my lessons?”
King Tidus turned his head back to address me. “The maids and servants here should offer you any assistance you require. Just scream out for help and they’ll come running.”
“Really? ‘Help’? That sounds like a general distress call instead of a call for some assistance in taking care of your daughters,” I said, raising an eyebrow.
“To our staff, there’s little distinction between the two.” He chuckled before turning his head forward again.
I gulped. The king just acknowledged that his little girls are the troublesome equivalent of a brush fire. And they expected me, a lone firepony, to put out the blazes when they’re under my supervision.
“Here we are.”
We stopped in front of a white door splashed with various hoof-paint colors, betraying the niceties of the light gray stone that lined the halls. I’d call it clashing if some of the paint hadn’t also spread onto the walls themselves, leaving some paint streaks that ran a fair distance down the hallway on both sides of it.
This seemed like the perfect place to check my sanity at the door. I won’t be needing it once I passed through.
...or so I thought. The door opened to a rather pristine-looking room. There were no signs of the chaos just outside it. The two princesses sat in different beds on both sides of the room. Luna was busy playing with a few small toys. Celestia was reading a children’s book.
“Celestia, Luna, could the both of you come here please?” Queen Aura asked.
Within seconds, both princesses put away their possessions and stood in front of their mother.
“Yes, mother?” they chimed in unison.
No no no, there’s no way they’re that polite to their parents. Not after the trouble they gave me just a little while ago. I call bull.
Tidus gestured to me to come forward. I complied as he said, “This is Starswirl. He will be your tutor for the next week. And I believe you two owe him an apology.”
I saw two sets of gleaming white teeth in perfect smiles. They were very happy, almost overzealous smiles. But I know they were not for me. I saw it in their eyes.
They were going to make my life hell.
“We’re sorry!” they both said.
I grunted, but nodded to affirm their apology. “It’s alright, all is forgiven.” No, it’s not.
“It’s nice to meet you, mister Starswirl! I’m Celestia.”
“And I am Luna, her little sister.”
They had put on their best cute looks. I didn’t fall for it. I knew they were hiding those evil little smirks of theirs I saw through the whipped cream earlier.
I leaned my head down to meet the two. “And it’s nice to meet the both of you too!” I announced. But then I added in a whisper, “I know you two are putting on a show for your parents.”
The wide grins they had did not recede, and neither did the rest of their faces when Luna said, “We know. You’re putting on a show too.”
I raised my head up, and turned to face the king and queen. “I think we’re going to get along just fine.”