//------------------------------// // Welcome To Ponyville, We have Issues! // Story: Cloudy With A Chance of Hairy Russian Wrestlers // by Your Antagonist //------------------------------// Disclaimer: My Little Pony and its characters belong to Hasbro, Lauren Faust, and others. Street Fighter and its characters belong  to Capcom. Cloudy With a Chance of Hairy Russian Wrestlers By: Your Antagonist (VegaKS03) Round 2: Welcome To Ponyville, We Have Issues! North America: Site of Zangief’s Disappearance The site of the most recent world warrior tournament was as empty as it had always been in the non-tournament season. The only signs of life in the facility now were six cloaked shady individuals that advanced through the facility unhindered by the meager security, who had been granted a permanent leave of absence. “Are you sure this is where the energy readings originated?” The plainly worded inquiry had been voiced by a cleft chinned man clad in a caped, red military uniform of his own design. “Y-yes, Master Bison, a-absolutely certain, sir. It would only be logical for this area to have given off the reading sir. The time of the energy spike matches closely with the time that Zangief disappeared from the world stage. We’ve also—” The man was silenced by a wave of M. Bison’s hand. “That is all I needed. I believe my associates and I can handle it from here. You’re excused, Dr. Birkin.” “But Master, I—” A fierce glare emanating from beneath the hood of one of Bison’s men startled Dr. Birkin back into silence. “Look here chump, you’d best listen to da boss and go, before I pulverize ya!” “Balrog.” The moment Bison uttered his name, the cloaked man quickly surrendered his violent demeanor as he awaited further instruction. “Use your words.” “Rrrggg... go.” The scientist didn’t need to be told twice, he’d seen what Bison did to uncooperative flunkies, and he certainly didn’t care to join their ranks. Once Birkin was out of ear-shot, Bison turned to another cloaked figure whose face was hidden by a mask. “See to it that Dr. Birkin never reaches that gate. Then return posthaste.” “At once, Master.” The figure bowed in compliance before leaping off after his new quarry, yodelling. “You humans, are you always so delightfully eccentric?” asked another of the cloaked accomplices. This one had the build of a man, but the presence of some completely different amalgamation altogether. “What the hell did you just call me!?” Balrog bellowed at the chimaeric presence. “Calm down you bull-headed idiot,” it was a female’s voice this time. “He called you eccentric. It means flashy and over the top.” “Who are you calling an idiot!?” “Uhh... you.” The female lazily rose one her hands from beneath the cloak and pointed at Balrog. “Come here and say that to my face!” “How about I let my foot do the talking for me?” “Juri, Balrog, that’s enough! Settle this little grudge match on your own time,” barked Bison. The feuding pair glared at each other before turning away with a huff. “Whatever," snorted Balrog. “Fine, I’ll kill him later,” Juri sighed, rolling her eyes.   “Awww... I was enjoying their constant bickering,” the inhuman presence whined. “I think you’d better worry about re-opening that portal, before I decide to end you by my own hand,” Said Bison “Ooohhh, a tough guy.” The figure waved his hands in front of himself in mock fear.   “Look out everypony we’ve got a bad-flank over here!” Only Juri chuckled at the outsider’s mockery of her boss. Bison on the otherhand, was much less amused and it showed in his reaction. His pupil-less eyes flashed a fierce shade of purple, and his hands began to glow with a violent aura of the same color. “Open it, or die.” “Oh cool your jets, I was only having some fun at your expense. Besides, you don’t want to wake up my neighbor do you? ” said the enigma. “I’m opening it now.” With a wave of his hands, the surrounding air began to condense drastically, as if it were all being drawn to a singular point. In a matter of moments, the airspace ahead of the enigma took on a translucent shade of black, and began crackling with electricity as an image of a forest came slowly into focus. “I’d suggest that we move now, this thing won’t stay open too long.” “Very well then, let’s go.” “But, boss, what about Vega? Ain’t he still dealin’ with that Birkin guy?” “No need to fret. I’m right here.” The masked assassin approached the group, his claw hanging out of his cloak sleeve, glistening with the blood of the late Dr. Birkin.  “Oh, great. Another dead weight weakling tags along,” Juri teased. “You know, you’d be a lot more pleasing to the eye if your mannerisms weren’t so ugly,” Vega taunted as he walked into the portal with Balrog. “Pffft, whatever you dandy,” Juri spat as she followed her companions into the void. M. Bison moved to enter the portal himself, but stopped to address the maintainer of the portal. “I have only one thing to say to you before we embark on this journey.” “Whatever it is you want to say, can’t you say it on the other side of the portal, Bison? This isn’t exactly the easiest spell to maintain.” Bison ignored him. “Do not betray my hospitality, and do not go back on our deal. I gave you that body—” “And it’s an absolute nightmare to inhabit,” The cloaked figure interjected, as it struggled to keep the spell active. “I’ve given you this chance to return home, and reclaim what once was yours—” Grimacing the figure struggled to spit out his next rapidfire response “And I’m absolutely grateful for the opportunity, but if you could please just go through so I can drop this spell, I’d be more than—” “And I’ve given you my personal assistance in this matter. Do not betray me, or you will live to regret it.” “Fine, fine, fine, I promise, just go!” “Hmph.” With a flourish of his cape, M. Bison strode off arrogantly into the portal.  The exhausted caster of the spell took a moment to catch his breath before uncrossing his fingers and entering the portal himself. “Should have made me Pinkie Pie promise, you nitwit.” He chuckled to himself as he hopped giddily after his ward.  Moments later the gateway dissipated, leaving no trace that it had ever existed. Unknown Location: Hollowed Out Tree Beep... Beep... Beep... Every third second, like clockwork, the sound would penetrate the veil of unconsciousness that was Zangief’s dreamless sleep. Beep... Beep... Beep... As it resounded, it caused the sleeping giant to wince. Until this point, it was a white noise in the background, failing to bother him in the slightest, but as he shifted from one stage of sleep to a deeper one, the sound somehow broke through his mental guard. Beep... Beep... Beep... It was seriously getting annoying at this point. Zangief sat up, and the world slowly fell back into focus for him. While he wasn’t sure exactly where he was, the setting was all too familiar for someone of his profession: a hospital room. The white curtain separating his bed from the rest of the room, the I.V. drip placed in his forearm, the electrocardiogram with its relentless beeping, and a plate of lukewarm vegetables resting on a table by his side. A sudden migraine sent his memories flooding back in flashes. Images of the tournament, tossing a bear, a small talking yellow horse, intimidating a small child out of a line in a Baskin Robins, and issuing death threats to a bikini wax-salesman in a local mall all rushed in at once and the groggy wrestler struggled to make sense of it all. The rhythmic Beep... Beep... Beep... cleared his mind and brought his train of thought back on track. With a frown, he rationalized that he must have lost the tournament so badly that he had to be dragged off to a hospital, and the dream with talking horse and the bear must have been a coping mechanism to help him deal with the loss. His brain sure was considerate to try and comfort him in his time of need. He reasoned that he’d have to get it a present later to say thanks. Gurgle... Zangief’s stomach reminded him that he had probably been out for at least a day, and his attention turned to the steamed vegetables. While he was hungry enough to eat a horse and would have killed for some meat, he’d have to settle on the plate that was so generously provided for him, and settle he did. He dug through the meal with only minor interruptions, but those were only to observe some of the more interesting culinary selections that the chef had generously provided. The circumference of the plate had been decorated with apple slices, while underneath a leaf of lettuce he found a pair of cherry tarts and a fried egg. While there were a few more interesting discoveries made throughout his culinary ordeal, the most interesting by far was the small ruby he’d mistaken for a cherry tomato. Thinking nothing of it, he placed the ruby to the side assuming that it was just a piece of decoration provided by the hospital. When he completed his meal, he gently grabbed the I.V. in his arm and tore it out. Without missing a beat he backhanded the ECG with such force that it cracked upon the wood flooring as he pulled himself out of the tiny bed he had been granted to rest on. He tore through the curtains that separated himself from the rest of the room and the hospital illusion fell apart quickly. He stood in a modestly sized library, but there were overt hints about the room that it housed more inhabitants than mere books. A much more comfortable bed than his own, with a basket at its foot told the story of a single parent and child, while a pile of uncracked tomes next to a stack of parchments with fresh ink slowly drying upon them spoke of a dedicated researcher. A nerd even. Without any further lingering, Zangief located the stairs that descended into the lower level of the house, and set off in search of his gracious host, so that he might give them thanks. As he drew nearer and nearer to the ground level, he could hear female voices chattering on idly, but he could not decipher their conversation from this distance, thus he pressed on and their voices drew clearer and clearer. “—look, all I’m saying is you could have been a bit more subtle about dragging something that huge thing into my house. I’m glad you brought it straight to me, but just think of the uproar that could have ensued if anyone else had seen it.” “Sheesh, take a chill pill egghead. No one else saw us, so there’s nothing to worry about.” This voice was brash and somewhat cocky. There was definitely a lot of life in this woman. “Ugh, you’re missing the point, Rainbow Dash! I don’t even know what that thing is! I’ve torn apart every almanac, encyclopedia, and reference book I have on bipedal creatures and the only things that come close are minotaurs and apes, but that thing is certainly not either,” explained the one Zangief assumed was this 'egghead' character. A much softer voice interjected egghead’s ranting, and there was something fmiliar about this one. “Well I don’t know if this helps, but he kept saying he was a cyclone.” “Fluttershy, a cyclone is large body of air moving in a circular motion,” said egghead. “I highly doubt that thing upstairs is a large windstorm. I also don’t think it’s going to be too fond of you shaving off its chest mane, Rarity.” Zangief took a moment to scratch his chest only to find that his glorious diamond chest patch had been stripped from his flesh. He’d have to have some words with this 'Rarity' woman. “Well, what was I supposed to do, leave that horrible crime against fashion on there?” “Yes... maybe... I don’t know!” “Maybe y’all ought to calm down sugarcube, you’re gettin’ all worked up over nothin’ I’m sure.” “Over nothing? Over nothing? Applejack, There is an unknown species of creature upstairs, in my room and you’re telling me not to worry?” “I’m tellin’ you to calm down!” Applejack rebutted. ♫“Calm down, calm down, turn that frowny face around!”♫ “Pinkie Pie, are you even trying with your songs anymore?” Rainbow Dash asked. Zangief took a moment to remark on how odd the names he’d heard up to this point sounded, but never being one to judge, Zangief shirked the thought as he stepped off the staircase and turned the corner only to find several of the talking horses from his dream immersed in conversation. “Pfft, yeah! I spent an entire hour writing that one!” Writing. These things wrote. How was it possible for horses to write? “If that’s all you got after an hour, you might want to try spending a day on it next time.” “A whole day, huh? Well, I could always tap into the non-decaf coffee, but you remember what happened last time.” “Gah!” Egghead had made the outburst. “It’s hard to focus on that thing upstairs—” “Uh, Twilight, It’s right here actually,” Pinkie Pie pointed out, having been the only one to notice Zangief’s presence. Her statement quickly drew the attention of her friends to the elephant in the room so to speak. Six pairs of curious eyes studied him, and made him slightly nervous. He’d gotten over the fact that there were in fact small colorful talking horses standing just in front of him, and accepted that the events from earlier were in fact not a dream. The thing he hadn’t gotten used to though was how he was the alien in this situation. With a wave of one of his giant hands, Zangief attempted to establish a line of communication with his four-legged caretakers. “Uh... privyet?” As he waved, the white horse swooned and swayed for a moment before collapsing into a crumpled heap on the floor, and a moment later, a red velvet couch in a blue aura slid across the floor, and struck her in the back of the head sliding the mare an inch or two along the ground. Zangief opened his mouth to say something, but wasn’t even sure how to react to what just transpired. “Um, hi,” said the purple horse with a horn jutting from her head. After another moment of stunned silence, she shook her head, composed herself and prepared to break the ice. Raising a hoof to her chest, the horned horse boldly introduced herself. “My name is Twilight Sparkle, I’m a unicorn from Canterlot.” Unicorn. Of course she was a unicorn. What was she going to do next, magic? “If you don’t mind, I’d like to ask you a couple of questions.” Twilight’s horn suddenly began to glow, as she levitated a quill and a parchment in front of her. She was doing magic. Zangief rubbed his temple and silently resolved to question nothing else these equines did. He would just accept everything as fact. “Dah, go ahead.” “All right, question number one, what’s your name?” A sudden swell of confidence erupted in Zangief’s chest, and a gleam exploded from his eye. If there was one thing he took absolute pride in, it was introducing himself by title and stage name. A sudden jolt of energy shot through his muscles, inspiring him to flex his massive biceps over his head. “I am Zangief!” He shifted his flexing pose again, this time hardening both his abs and chest as he flexed his arms downward as though he were squeezing a beach ball. “The Red Cyclone!” With his last pose, he knelt down and extended his right arm while curling his left. “And the Protector of Russia’s Skies!” Twilight didn’t so much as bat an eyelash at his display, instead choosing to focus on archiving every word that came out of his mouth.“Pro...tec....tor... of Russia’s.... skies. Got it.” At that moment, the leg of the passed out white unicorn began twitching involuntarily. “Is that one alright?” Zangief asked. “Oh, that’s just Rarity being over dramatic as usual,” Said the blue winged horse with the hyper chromatic mane as she laid down on the red couch and propped her feet on Rarity’s flank “Anyway, I’m Rainbow Dash, the fastest pegasus in Equestria, and the pony who totally laid you out in the forest. If you try anything, and I mean anything, I won’t hesitate to give a repeat performance if you catch my drift.” Something about this pegasus’ bravado reminded the Red Cyclone of a certain blonde-haired red-gi’d American martial artist. It was too early for him to determine whether or not that was a good thing. The pony he recalled from the forest took this opportunity to speak now. “Hi, I’m Fluttershy, you threw my bear friend into the forest remember?” “Pleased to meet you, Mr. Zangief, name’s Applejack.” The orange pony wearing a cowboy hat of all things offered a hoof to Zangief, and he shook it without hesitation. Zangief noticed that the pink horse had only been wordlessly staring at his waist the entire time even though she looked to be the most outgoing of the six. “Can I help you with something gospozhá?” “Say, Mr. Cyclone, what’s with that funny looking balloon you’ve got right there?” “Balloon?” “Yeah, it looks all deflated and floppy.” The pink one pointed a hoof at his waist and when Zangief looked down he came to sudden mortifying realization. As he realized that the whole time he’d been naked, he was suddenly paralyzed by shame. “I wonder if it would get any bigger if I blew into it. Maybe then I could bend it into a giraffe!” He was paralyzed by shame, there was a small pink horse walking towards him, mouth open, and there wasn’t a thing his conscious mind would allow him to do about it. Applejack having dealt with farm animals her whole life, possessed an intimate if general knowledge of the anatomy of non-pony creatures. As such, she recognized Zangief’s “member” as being an male anatomical construct known by many, many words, none of which were balloon.  Acting quickly, she seized Pinkie’s tail with her teeth and dragged her away. “Whoa-ho-ho there, Pinkie! I don’t think you wanna go puttin’ that in your mouth.” “Why not?” “Trust me, ya just don’t.” “Where is my clothing!?” Bellowed Zangief. “You mean your panties?" Fluttershy asked. “It is a speedo!” Zangief shouted defensively. Somewhere in the back of his mind he was silently questioning why the terms “panties” came so easily to a creature that in normal context, had no business wearing clothes to begin with. “Whatever it was, it should have been by your bed, didn’t you see it?” Asked Twilight. Like a bolt, Zangief turned away from the mares and dashed up the stairs. When he approached the makeshift hospital room he’d woken up in, his attention was immediately drawn to the second strangest thing he’d seen all day next to the ponies. Standing in front of a modestly sized vanity mirror, and wearing a familiar bright red speedo, was an overgrown iguana on two legs. A few hours earlier this might have surprised Zangief, but the only thing that took the Red Cyclone by surprise in this situation was that the lizard was flexing its rather twiggy arms and rambling to itself. “Yeah, Spike, lookin’ real good, lookin’ real tough. Oh what’s that Rarity, you say you need some help moving things around the store? Then it’s a good thing you’ve got a powerhouse right here, huh? Say what Twilight? You need some help lifting books? You know who can help you?” Spike flexed his biceps and extended his thumbs out so they were pointing towards his face. “This dragon right here. Oh, Fluttershy, I see you noticed—” “Ahem.” Zangief coughed to interrupt the lizard’s monologuing and quickly learned why that was a terrible idea. The lizard whipped around in a panic, clearly not expecting anyone to sneak up on him. “Whoa! Who’s— urp!” Suddenly the reptile ejected a stream of green flames from its mouth towards Zangief’s general direction, but everything happened too fast for even Zangief’s combat honed reflexes to react in time, thus the Russian received a face full of fire accompanied by a hail of scrolls. Zangief however only paid attention to the first, as the wave of flame washed across his face, taking with it portions of Zangief’s glorious mohawk and hobo-beard. This was not a fair day. Once the flames had subsided, Zangief blinked three times before returning his gaze to the purple lizard ahead of himself. “Oh, uh... I’m uh... I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to harm your hair, please don’t mad. I’m sure Twilight can fix it.” Zangief merely pointed at the red speedo and gold belt combination that the lizard still wore around his waist. “Oh, you want your man-panties back? Here. Please don’t tell anypony about what you just saw. You’ve got to promise me.” Spike stepped out of the leg holes on the speedo and kicked it towards Zangief who caught it and put it on immediately. It felt good to be dressed. “First: It is a speedo! Second: Nyhet! I will make no such promise!” “What!? But why!?” Zangief crossed his arms and turned away from the pleading reptile. “Because, little comrade...” “Why!? You can’t just pause mid-sentence!” A blood vessel popped in Zangief’s temple and he shouted his response with the force of a double-leg dropkick. “A man must take pride in his shame! Without our shame to remind us exactly where our weakness lies, how can we move towards true strength!? Well, Spike? Do you have an answer?” “Wait... what? How did you know my name?” “Heh... you still don’t get do you, comrade Spike?” Zangief smirked and shook his head in mock disappointment. “Get what?” “When you’ve steeled your resolve and grown a moustache, you’ll understand everything.” With that, Zangief turned to walk back downstairs, leaving a confused dragon behind to ponder his nonsensical riddles. When Zangief returned to the lower level of the library he quickly noticed there was one more little pony than he recalled. He hoped this one would be as friendly as Twilight and the others, but her reaction to his appearance was less than welcoming. “Gyah! It’s another monster! As if the ursa attacking town hall wasn’t bad enough, there’s a monster here too! Everypony run! It’s the end of Equestria as we know it!” “Daisy! Calm down! He’s a friend!” Twilight shouted. “Now what did you say about town hall?” Daisy scrambled away from Zangief rambling incoherently as she did so.“M-m-monsters, everywhere! The horror! The horror!” Without another glance, she turned and bolted out of the library entrance whinnying bloody murder and spreading chaos through the normally peaceful Ponyville streets. “Well, there goes our chance to introduce Zangief to Ponyville...” Twilight sighed. “Twi’, I reckon we got other things to worry about, like that ursa Daisy was talkin’ about.” “You’re right, Applejack. Come on girls, we’ve got to save Ponyville! Zangief you wait here, we don’t need this situation to get anymore out of hoof.” Zangief’s curiosity had been peaked by the repeated mentions of the Ursa Major, thus driving him to pose a fate altering question to the the five mares. “Excuse me, but what is this ‘Ursa Major’ you speak of?” “It’s a huge bear, and it could be a problem if we don’t take care of it quickly A spry grin crept across Zangief’s face. “Huge bear you say? I think I may be of some assistance, dorogaya.”  With that, he kicked Twilight’s door from its hinges and stomped out into the streets, with Twilight and her friends —save for Rarity who still lay unmoving on the library floor— hot on his heels. Round 2-  Time Over.