Hello, my name is Anon, you may call me just that. Today I will be relaying to you the story of Princess Twilight Sparkle and her blunderous idea to bring cheese production to the pony world.
Ahem.
Princess Twilight Sparkle, while on the other side of the mirror and in the human world, discovered a beautiful substance. That substance was known as cheese and became mass produced in labs where the cheese was grown using various chemicals that were probably poisoning everypony. But hey, it tasted good so what’s the problem, right? The first days production was hardly enough.
It seemed that everypony suddenly needed more, more and more cheese. Literally everypony was buying cheese, and if you couldn’t afford it somepony bought it for you. If nopony bought it for you, you sold your hair. If you don’t have any hair, nopony noticed you anyway and you probably have bad television service that leads you into a large chain of unlikely circumstances that end up eventually ruining your life somehow. The point is everypony loved cheese. The only problem was that ponies have no idea how cheese is used and things tend to go very wrong usually ending up in a huge yellow gooey mess of molten cheese much like the man who wanted a house on a hill to get that big thumbs up from... wait, we’re getting off topic here. Anyway the citizens of Ponyville were in mass hysteria due to the new food product that seemed to find its way into every little crack of society. Let’s take a look at some cases in point shall we?
“Dog Gonit!” Applejack exclaimed. “Again Apple Bloom?”
“Sorry sis,” The little pony looked at the floor in embarrassment, “This new cheese stuff is really touchy. I guess I won’t be gettin’ a cutie mark in fondue making.”
“47 times in one week Apple Bloom. I’m gettin’ tired of scraping the oven clean.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Uh-huh. Now help me clean up this mess, grab a spatula and get scrapin’. Maybe you’ll get your cutie mark as a cleaning pony.”
“A cutie mark huh… You take a break sis, you work too hard.”
“If you say so…” Applejack smiled content with having to do nothing.
Applejack walked out of the kitchen knowing she had just gotten off from a half hour kneeling down scraping an oven. She leaned back on the recliner in the sitting room, life was good, until she heard Bigmac… and Caramel... Again…
“Ah’d tell ‘em tah get a room but they already have one.” Applejack sighed trying to block out the noise.
A crashing sound resounded from the kitchen.
“What’d you do now Apple Bloom?” Applejack didn’t give her the chance to answer, she took one look at the kitchen, now covered in flour, eggs, yeast, spices, and various other baking ingredients, “Out.”
“But sis.”
“Ah said out!” The orange pony demanded sternly pointing her hoof at the door.
“Okay…” Apple Bloom hung her head and left the room slowly.
“Ah swear, you’re worse than Spike, makin’ messes everywhere.” She said once the filly was out of earshot.
This cheese disaster had to stop, she didn’t know how much more of these Apple Bloom messes she could deal with. And Applejack knew just the pony for the job.
“What happened in here!?” Exclaimed Mrs. Cake.
“You know this reminds of the first time we met.” Said Mr. Cake
“How?”
“Haha… If only you remembered.”
“And what exactly does that mean!”
“Nothing, nothing, just trying to lighten the mood.”
“You may have lightened the mood but you’ve thickened the air.”
Why must women be so touchy, he thought to himself. “Anything I can do to make it up to you?”
“First of all you can stop the children from rolling around in the exploded cheese mess like pigs.”
“Yes Ma’am.”
Mr. Cake gave a salute and began chasing down Pound and Pumpkin. Several minutes of Mr. Cake getting stuck in the mess of cheese on the floor the children were in his hooves... or rather stuck to his hooves.
“Good, now go give them a bath.”
Mr. Cake was a smart stallion so he decided not to comment and simply do as he was told. Approximately forty minutes later Mr. Cake comes down from the bathroom with two squeaky clean babies that shined like a diamond.
“Now put them to bed.”
Mr. Cake walked up the stairs and once again followed his wives command. He began to wonder if he was whipped but dismissed the thought quickly. He came back down the stairs to see his wife staring at him, seeming much less angry with him.
“... Now what?”
“Now put me to bed.”
Mr. Cake simply smiled and followed his wifes’ curvaceous flank up the stairs. Incapable of containing himself he was becoming aroused in the hallway. He got in their room and closed the door behind him. He began to stare at his wife seductively.
“What, I meant literally, I want sleep, thank you for bringing me up here though. Goodnight.” She kissed his forehead and covered herself in blankets.
“Hardee har har.” Mr. Cake said to himself turning off the light and joining his wife in bed. Slightly disappointed at the loss of a good time but mostly just disappointment in himself for not having figured it out sooner.
Downstairs Pinkie walked back in the kitchen to find it in a state of disarray, she poked the massive amounts of cheese on the floor as if to inspect it.
“I guess I should use a little less black powder in the cheese cake next time. Or maybe I did something wrong. Or maybe I didn’t use enough. What if theres only one pony who can answer my questions!” She squeeled.
Upstairs the sound of crying children and two very frustrated parents could be heard, “Welp, only one way to find out.”
Rainbow Dash was relaxing on her cloud couch reading the latest Daring Do novel, “Daring Do and the Search for the Golden Gouda”
“Oh Tank, if only you could read… Your just too slow to understand though.” Rainbow said elbowing the tortoise.
Tank blinked in response as if to say, “You talking to me, are YOU talking to ME, cuz’ if you were talking to me then that’d mean I’ have to wreck your shit. But there’s no way you’d be talkin’ to me like that, ya know, considering I saved your life from being forever trapped under a rock in the middle of Ghastly Gorge. What’s that, you could have saved yourself? Then why was you cryin’ like a filly getting pelted with onions, on second thought, the great god shrek wouldn’t let his precious onion crop touch your unworthy pony fur. How’s that make you feel? Probably pretty bad about yourself, go pray to the onions for redemption before it’s too late. Shh. It’ll all be ogre soon.
“DONKEY!”
“AAH, Shrek! How did you find me here!”
“It’s not hard when you leave the portal open.” Shrek said wanting to facepalm but instead he grabbed donkey by the tail and threw him over his back. “Sorry about that anon, Donkey here had a few to many at the Poison Apple and found the Fairy Godmother’s wand.”
“Well, thanks for taking him back I guess.” Shrek said nothing and walked through the hole in anon’s wall, “Okay… That was weird… Anyway, as I was trying to say.”
Tank blinked in confusion at the blue ponies language, how would a tortoise understand pony talk anyway?
Rainbow dash sat and grinned at the tortoise as if waiting for a response, he blinked again, “Yeah, whatever.” She leaned back into the couch before hearing a dinging sound from the kitchen.
“Potatoes are done!” The tortoise jumped up at the word, “potatoes.”
“Typical tank. The only words you know what mean are ones that have to do with food.” Rainbow dash face hoofed as she flew into the kitchen, rather, flew into a gooey substance that had taken over her kitchen.
“Ah!” She cried out her entire body now ensnared in the cheesey web. “Tank help, I’m stuck in a wad of cheese and my hoof is stuck to my face!” Rainbow looked over to see tank hanging by the shell, cheese strands sticking him to the ceiling. “Ugh, Tank, you’re so useless some days”
The tortoise simply blinked.
Fluttershy’s cottage was once beautiful, organized, clean, and an amazing place to hide stolen paraphernalia soon to be sold on the black market. That is, until a bear came raging through the place scared out of its wits.
“RAAAARAROOOOAUGH”
“No no, it’s quiet all right Mr. Bear. Just calm down.”
“ROOOOUGH”
“Oh my, It’s okay, just stop running please.”
“RAROURORA”
“Mr. Bear! You should be ashamed of yourself! AH!”
Fluttershy lost all train of thought as she was suddenly snagged by the steadily growing ball of cheese filled bear fur. She had no idea what to do, everything was beginning to stick to the bear and his duct tape strength stick. Fluttershy tensed up, not that she would have been able to move anyway considering she had slowly been getting sucked into the massive heap of objects the frightened bear was collecting.
“Oh my, whatever you do Mr. Bear, please don’t leave...” Fluttershy heard what sounded like an explosion, she looked and saw her once cozy cottage becoming a speck in the distance. “... The house. Oh my.”
As a filly Fluttershy enjoyed Katamari Damacy, she would play for hours on end. Never once during her childhood had she thought she would become a part of the game, let alone in a wad of cheese stuck to a bears coat.
“Here’s that thing I’ve been meaning to give Twilight.”
Fluttershy heard the screams of the townsfolk as the bear continued its rampage through the streets. “I’M SORRY ABOUT THAT!” She yelled to everypony she could. “Oh my, this is not how I planned on spending my day.”
“This is the WORST! POSSIBLE! THING!”
“That’s like, the seventh time you’ve said that today Rarity. I really doubt that anything could top Opalescence taking a dump on your toast with cheese for not sharing.”
“No Sweetie Belle, I don’t think you understand the severity of the situation.”
“Care to enlighten me?”
“Where did you learn that word Sweetie? I’ve never heard you talk so spectacularly articulate before.”
“We’re dictionary’s Rarity, why wouldn’t I know the word enlighten. Let’s just accept that and move on, I’m dying to know what could be so unpleasant and unsatisfactory to your immensely large standards.”
“Sweetie! What did I tell you about unneeded exaggeration, immense and large practically mean the same thing!”
“See! I told you we were dictionary’s!”
“That’s it Sweetie, I’m done arguing with you, there isn’t another sisterhooves social for a couple of months to bring us back together if this fight goes to far.”
“Well if that’s the only thing that you think holds us together then you can go shove your problems up your great, big, immense, massive, colossal, titanic, butt of mighty proportions!”
“Sweetie Belle! You’re still just a filly, dictionary or not I don’t know where all those words or your rebelliousness came from all of a sudden, but I never want to hear you speak to me or anypony else like that again, you hear me young lady?”
“Yeah yeah, whatever.” She said climbing the stairs. Never in her life had the stairs seemed so long before, she used almost all of her strength to accentuate how agitated she was with her sister by stomping her hooves on the stairs which were still rather large for a filly her size to be scaling. She stops in the doorway to Rarity’s dress making room, a strange smell permeating from behind the wooden door. nervously she nudges the door open to find the whole room including her sewing machine, mannequins, and all of her fabric covered in cheese that was burnt to a crisp in the afternoon sun. The room was a blackened mess. “Never mind Rarity, you have problems beyond my understanding right now.” She said walking past her sister who was standing in the middle of the floor breathing as if she was going to keel over at any moment in a mixture of anger and pure rage.
“Sweetie…” Rarity said with a voice that seemed detached from all emotion.
“Yes Rarity?”
“Get my fainting couch.”
“Twilight!”
“Ah! What Pinkie, I wasn’t sleeping, nope nope nope, I was just, uh, inspecting this wood here. Yep that’s some quality wood there.” Twilight put on the world's fakest and possibly largest smile.
“Watch it anon, you know no one can smile bigger than me.”
“Sorry Pinkie.”
“Just don’t let it happen again. I’ve got my eye on you!” The Pink pony extended her eyeball and touched Anon with it... Creepy... And then went back into the story like the good little pony she was.
“So, what did you come here for anyway Pinkie?”
“Well, you know that cheese stuff?”
“Yeah. Why?”
“Well it kind of blew up the Cakes ovens.”
“What!”
“Twilight! Help! Rarity fainted on her couch and won’t get up! Her dress making room is a mess and we argued and I think she’s in a coma now! What do I dooooooooo!”
suddenly
“Uh…”
“Haha! I’m free! Thanks Tank, you literally chewed me out of that mess.” Rainbow nuzzled Tank and felt eyes fixated on her, she looked over to find Twilight, Sweetie Belle, Pinkie, and Spike who seemed to have just woken up staring at him, “Oh, hey Twi, yeah, that cheese stuff, it tastes awesome but I tried making cheesy potatoes and well I literally can’t get in my house now, it would be great if you went and checked that out in your spare time.” Everypony stared at her. “What?”
“Oh my, please excuse us! Sorry about that. Oh my.”
“What was that?”
Everypony migrated outside to find a massive wad of bear fur, cheese, random objects and a couple of ponies Twilight immediately recognized. She cast a spell that removed the massive wad of sticky cheese from the bear who keep running in acute horror. Fluttershy, Scootaloo, Apple Bloom, Winona, Big Mac, Caramel, Apple Jack, and a couple apple trees fell to the ground.
“How…” Twilight began to say but was interrupted by Fluttershy.
“Never underestimate the power of a frightened bear.”
“Ooookay!” Twilight looked around at the mob that formed around her tree house, “I assume you’re all here for the same problem.”
“Eeyup.”
“Cheese exploding everywhere?” The group nodded their heads in general agreement, “Well get somepony else to help you, It’s my job to run the library not solve your guys every problem.”
As if on cue Spike grabbed his stomach before a letter burst from his mouth. The seal told Twilight all she needed to know, it was from Princess Celestia.
Dear Princess Twilight Sparkle,
It’s your problem.
signed,
PC
“You’ve got to be kidding me.”
Once more Spike clenched his stomach in pain as he belched out another letter once again sealed with the Royal Canterlot Seal.
Dear Princess Twilight Sparkle,
I’m not kidding, get to work.
signed,
PC
“Ugh! Fine! Who needs their house de-cheesed?” everypony but Scootaloo raised their hoof. “This is going to be a long day.”
In the safety of her throne room Princess Celestia was doubled over laughing, tears streaming as she sent a third letter to the already agitated Twilight that read.
Dear Princess Twilight,
Deal with it.
signed,
PC