After my rather pitiful war cry had gotten me through the doorway out of the main lobby, I had to get pulled back away from the waist high banister railing to save me from falling off. Turns out the "Main Lobby" was floor freaking 12. Turns out none of us can read latin. Turns out that I had a nervous breakdown shortly afterwards. After I had recovered, I looked around at my surroundings. We were out on a balcony that overlooked - "Canterlot Castle!" I yelled, in a mixture of disbelief, horror, and joy.
Holy crap on a stick. The cartoon was right? Or is that show not even classified as a cartoon now? Or maybe- I stopped. I realized that everything around me sort of had a fake-ish tint to it, like it wasn't all there. As if we were in a cartoon.
"What the Fu-" Aloysius cut himself off. He looked distant, like he wasn't really sure if he was dreaming, or high, or dead. I frowned at him, and waved my cartoony hand in front of his face. It took a while, but he did respond. I turned to Dei-dei. Same thing. I steered them back to the door. Dei-dei was muttering something under her breath. Aloysius was just whispering "Jeeeeeesus. It's real. It's really real..."
Before I could walk them out of the door, a fellow English voice chimed up. The door in front of us slammed shut. Barring us from everything except the voice, with nothing but a certain 12-story fall to let us escape.
"Well, now! Is that any way to treat the person who brought you here?" The voice had a slightly satanic tone to it, like the person was always seeming to want to rip your skull open. "Here I am, waiting to be introduced to the three souls I brought here to Equestria, and they turn back without a second glance! Honestly, children these days!"
So we ARE in Equestria...
I turned around.
"Discord!" I yelled.
"Dis who?" Asked Dei-dei.
"Holy crap what is that... That... Thing??!?!? It looks like Victor Frankenstein had a seizure whilst making his next monster!" Aloysius exclaimed, rather descriptively.
Discord feigned being hurt.
"Ouch! Those words hurt, you know!" He summoned one of those red psychiatrist's chairs and lay down in it, his face a mask of pain. "I feel so unbearably sad now. I was going to tell you why you came here in the first place, and what your purpose is, but now you can all go sod off and find it out for yourselves."
I held up the handwritten note from Luna and Celestia. "I take it this wasn't them then, was it?"
"Nope." Discord made the chair vanish and disappeared, the reappeared behind me.
I sighed melodramatically. "Cut the crap Discord. Just spit your master plan out."
"No. Don't feel like it any more. Much more fun to screw with you three."
"Yes. Out with it."
"No."
"Yes."
"No."
"No."
"No."
"Damn it! You're good."
(Discord - 1, John - 0)
Discord smirked. "I'm Discord. Spirit of disharmony and chaos? I basically invented that trick."
"Touchè." I said.
"Yes, I would think so. Now anyways, back to business." Discord theatrically cleared his throat. "Ahem! You three unfortunate souls were the perfect candidates for my master plan! It goes something like this!" Discord summoned a chalkboard and a teacher's mortar and shoved us into old school desks. Here's what he wrote up onto the board.
I just felt like screwing with everyone in Equestria.
I cried in outrage. "IS THAT IT?!?!? YOU SHOVE US INTO AN OLD, ABANDONED HOSPITAL WITH LATIN MAPS, AND THEN WIPE OUR MINDS, AND THEN TELL US THAT YOU JUST WANTED US HERE FOR SHITS AND GIGGLES, WITH NO IDEA HOW WE ARE SUPPOSED TO GET BACK?!?! WELL YOU KNOW WHAT DISCORD? FUCK YOU, FUCK YOUR LIFE, AND GO FUCK YOURSELF. PISS OFF AND LEAVE US ALONE."
(I guess that's a diss... John - 1. Discord - 1)
As soon as I finished, I knew I was in deep shit.
I felt the air around me grow hot. I felt the blood inside my head start to boil. Discord looked pissed. Really. Fucking. Pissed. I suddenly felt my insides cramp up and I started to choke on my own blood. Discord started to steam with anger as he held my gaze, each second feeling like a million. He gave me one last clench of pain, then he vanished. This seemed to snap Dei-dei and Aloysius out of the trance.
I saw my vision go black, and the last thing I saw was a blinding flash of light.
(Discord - Infinity, John - 1)
I woke up in yet another strange hospital room. Damn it all! I'm in some kind of Hospitalception! When I get outta this I'm gonna... I was interrupted by a loud, commanding female tone that made me want to curl up in a fetal position until it passed.
"Jonathan Thomas! Be thou allright?"
I could have sworn that was Luna... I thought to myself. I turned to look at the voice's origin.
It was Luna, goddess of the night. I got a little tongue tied after that.
"Hermagershaisyuuu!"
Luna looked a little aghast.
Oh God. John you're such a ninny. I tried again to form words.
"OhmygoditsreallyyouIknewyouguysexisted!"
Luna frowned. "Are thee suffering from a brain disorder, Jonathan?"
That would've explained so much.
Good, at least you can form words. Now this time, try not to fawn over her like a fucking dipshit.
I cleared my throat. "How did I get here? How do you know my name?" I said.
"You were found unconscious after we saw a huge flash of red energy from the ruins of our founders. You have been out for days. Your... Friends? Told us your names. They came to a few hours before you did. What exactly are you... Child?" Luna genuinely looked confused, as if I was the guy from their children's TV show.
Heh. My Little Human. I grinned.
"I'm a teenage human. Have you ever heard of us?" I inquired.
"I cannot say that I have, child," said Luna "And, lest I forget, how be you fluent in Equestrian?"
I whistled. "I thought you were fluent in English. So, how long is days?"
"One fortnight."
My eyes bogged out of my skull. "Well in that case, can I get out of here? Please?"
Luna nodded. "Would thou like to see thine acquaintances?" The goddess of the night inquired.
"Yes, please. That would be great." I said those words, and the whole world became fuzzy. I turned to the alicorn. Her horn was aglow with a navy blue light, illuminating the room. My stomach got a weird cramping feeling, less painful than the Discord incident, and I then felt like an immortal god. I didn't know anything, and knew everything at the same time. I saw every spectrum of color and light known to science, and a few others too. (Turns out Octarine IS a real color. Thanks Terry Pratchett.) I felt happy, sad, angry, and even a little ecstatic, with a few other feelings mixed in for flavor.
It lasted all of 2.5 seconds. Damn! No wonder alicorns and unicorns don't bother to walk. I wanna do it again! I saw 6 ponies surrounding my friends on a courtyard. My friends seemed to be a bit bummed out about their company. Dei-dei noticed me and waved me over lethargically. I ran up there, and saw none other than the mane 6 surrounding me and my friends.
"Hey, there's another one of them human things!" Said Applejack.
"Oh, this one looks awful! Look at those clashing colors!" Winced Rarity.
"Pshhh. Looks fine to me," Said Rainbow Dash. "It's like my colors!"
"Precisely." hummed Rarity.
"Ooooh! This one looks FUN. You a partier, or are you just a sourpuss like the other boy?" said Pinkie Pie.
"I resent that." Said Aloysius.
"Girls, there's no need for that..." whispered Fluttershy.
"So are you another human?" Asked Twilight. "Because if you are, I'd love to examine you for research for new species! Are you from the family of Hominoidea? Or maybe you're a type of Troglodyte!" Twilight giggled happily.
Now I know why those two look bummed. I glanced at Aloysius and Dei-dei. Their faces could have vaporized stone.
"Uh, I'm gonna have to decline your... Generous? Yeah, generous offer." Twilight looked a little disappointed. I fumbled quickly for words so as not to keep Twilight bummed out.
"We are in the family Hominoidea. We evolved from them. Our species is Homo Sapiens, or humans. We're not from around here."
Thank god for science and latin classes...
Twilight seemed happy with my response. Phew. No dissecting for me today.
"Hey, where exactly do you guys come from?" Asked Applejack.
"We're from-"
Suddenly, there was a blinding flash of light and out of the light stepped none other than the opaline goddess herself, Celestia.
All it takes is a dozen ponies and a dash of teleportation magic to lose one's train of thought. Huh. Who knew?
Celestia rushed out of the light, immediately cornering me and my three friends.
"You shouldn't be here." Celestia said gravely.
I tsked. "Well then can you tell us how to get back Celestia?" I asked.
Celestia gasped.
"I never told you my name..."
Oh shit.