//------------------------------// // The God Emperor of Ponykind and The Bubble-Wrap Dance - Part 2 // Story: 1000 Virgin Mares, 1 Frickin' Badass Dark Overdude, Infinite Facehoofing // by Pen Mightier //------------------------------// "250 units of carrots, turnips, apples, peaches, oranges and turnips for tonight." Twilight said, ticking her checklist while ducking out of the way as a long stream of fruit gems caught in a bright cyan glow zoomed past her head. "Enough fibre to move the hearts and bowels of an entire army. Better make sure we've got the chamberpots to match too." I nod with approval. My co-overdudette pawed at the occasional passing gem as the two of us oversaw the loading of the carts and the rather nervous volunteers slowly arriving to carry our precious cargo back to the hungry tummies waiting on the surface. To be honest, I was about as useful (and quiet) as a chocolate nuclear reactor, more a moving target for the floating gems than anything. Twilight had taken over the logistics, Ditzy was busy picking out food suitable for the fillies, and Crystal Heart was being Crystal Heart. Lyra, meanwhile....did she go invisible again? "Tomorrow we can have that and 250 units of onions, cauliflowers, radishes and asparagus so we can attempt cooking hot meals for everypony, and we can get 1000 units of hay and sacking to sleep on..." Twilight mused, scribbling, stopping in her steps to allow a train of vegetable gems to fly past. "I had you pinned for a lot of things, Twilight Sparkle. A pessimist wasn't one of them. It's a little premature for a burial though, wouldn't you think?" Crystal Heart said, horn glowing bright as she orchestrated the galaxy of brightly glowing food storage gems zooming, orbiting and hovering about the room. "I suggest we sleep in actual beds rather than graves tonight, if it's all the same with you." "B-b-beds...?!" Twilight's and Ditzy's eyes grew wide. "F-for each of us?" "The Crystal Citadel can comfortably accommodate up to 5.000 ponies in peace time. Emergency shelters and underground bunkers expand that capacity up to 50.000. The city outside is in disrepair but it used to house up to 100.000 citizens." Crystal Heart said. "So 105.000 citizens just upped and walked out on this gig?" I asked. "Jeez, my predecessor must have had a really shite sense of humour." "There's no hay to sleep on?" Dinky asked, peering down at me, confused, "What do Muffins sleep on?" "Muffins sleep on all the big meanies and monsters and keep them down all night so they won't bother you. And you, co-overdudette Dinky, will sleep on the big princess bed tonight. It's not made of hay, it's made of really soft stars and dreams." I said, peering up at Dinky with a smile. "R-really?" Dinky squeaked, "Just tonight...?" "Every single night from now on, Dinky." I said, earning myself an excited gasp from the little filly. "Ooh, Dinky hopes there's enough space on the bed for everypony. Dinky's sure everypony would love to sleep on it..." Dinky said, excitedly. That such a deprived child who hadn't even seen an apple till that day was so quick to think of others, so ready to share what little she had for the first time in her life, I couldn't help but sigh in wonderment. Miracles truly do happen. I contemplated telling her that everyone would have their own beds. But she was excited enough as it is, any more and she might develop spontaneous flight. Hay? For beds? Really? A-Whose-snot, your shit list just grew longer. It now includes a dirt nap under the biggest Mexican lavatory I could find every Sunday night. "Crystal Heart, please warm up enough rooms to accommodate all 1000 ponies." I said. "And arrange for hot water to be available for washing. I assume we have running water and showers?" The technological level of the Crystal Empire, while exotic and powered by love, glitter and rainbows, was enough to make nuclear submarines look like copper kettles. I had begun to assume the best for most things. "We are the Crystal Empire, Master, not a rest stop in outer Gryphonia." Crystal Heart muttered. Seeing the blank look on my face she added, "That's a yes. And baths. We even have a spa here in the Citadel and a few out in the city. We are....used to be known for our crystal mud baths." She said with a hint of pride. "That's something like a bath, but better." She translated for me, seeing my persistent blank look. Note to self, avoid rest stops in outer Gryphonia, wherever that is. "No, no, I didn't mean that. I was just thinking...this place is quite lush, isn't it?" I said. "It was for the nobility and the Emperor, yes." Did I hear a sad note in Crystal Heart's voice? She quickly added, "Twilight Sparkle, if you could add 1000 units of soap, towels and flea and lice powder to the list? And arrange for everypony to take a wash and a delicing at the earliest opportunity. It would save us decontaminating the entire Crystal Citadel later." "Got it. The fleas won't know what hit'em." Twilight said, scribbling. "1000 year old flea powder. That's what. It was probably made to combat dinosaurs or elder gods or something." I said. "The Ixodiasjaculator powder was originally designed as a gemcraft solution to impotence, actually." Crystal Heart said, perhaps intended as a casual remark. Noticing the awkward stares she garnered instead, she quickly added, "Not that it was ever a problem, it was an exercise in science." She cleared her throat, "The Enrichment Center researchers found that it was a success. All test subjects developed a propensity to single-mindedly mate themselves to death." "....and....this makes good flea powder...how?" I voiced the question that weighed heavily upon our souls. "Scaled to a micro-harmonic level, the nano-powder form's surface area makes it instantly metabolized and excreted following zero order pharmacokinetics by anything bigger than an insect." Crystal Heart explained. "I'd offer you laxatives again, but now I'm worried about what the laxatives here might be made out of." I said. "Rocket fuel, probably." Crystal Heart rolled her eyes impatiently, "That means if, Overlord forbid, you were to ingest it in any quantity, Master, even the likes of you would at most experience a very brief but intense urge to copulate like the passionate wild beast you are with the nearest moving object." Her cheeks might have tinted at this, or it may just be the glow of the crystals around us. "On insects, however, it causes them to emulate your demonic lust ad mortem." "Well....they live happily ever after, right? Briefly, but I'm sure it's a happy ending?" Ditzy said, hesitantly, fidgeting a little. "Death by shag." I nod, "So while it's working, you will have an entire colony of fleas humping themselves to death on you." As horrific as it sounds, for a few glorious but simultaneously nauseating moments, I considered the powder's potential as a weapon of mass destruction. Here, Felis scum, have some LOVE AND TOLERANCE! Or....maybe not. Some things not even the Felis deserve. Yeah, they deserve a much less happier ending. "Can we please somehow pretend this conversation never happened, please?" Twilight suggested, wincing, "I am not sure how I'd even begin to explain this to the others." "Diagrams, maybe." I said, offhandedly, "You know what, don't. Let's just take it with us to our graves. The secret, I mean, not the powder. By me, no, not the powder. I don't want the bugs and shit dancing and shagging on my grave." I said, turning to Crystal Heart, "That said, we have enough of that stuff and everything else for all the ponies?" "We have enough food and medical supplies to sustain all 998 ponies Sunset Shimmer brought with her." Crystal Heart said. "We will have a shortage of linen for the beds as well as toiletries, however." "1000 years of laundry back-log, huh?" I said. "Hard to believe it's possible in a nudist commune." I suppose sunshine and glitter magic can't make supplies appear out of thin air. Otherwise, heck, why have slaves at all? The maths bit of my brain finally caught up with the conversation after lagging behind while playing with the bottles of beer song in base 5, just for fun. "Wait....998?" I blinked. "Yes? Is something wrong, Master?" "...nothing. You were saying?" I asked, inviting Crystal Heart to carry on. I was about to ask if they had somehow managed to drop 2 ponies along the way somewhere, but then the more obvious answer struck me. I couldn't help but smirk. Both Sunset Shimmer and Crystal Heart counted themselves amongst the 1000. Interesting. I wonder if they even realized what they had done? "Eyeeeeeeep! I-I got this! I got this! Oh, wait, no, too much wall! Too much wall!" A resounding crash brought our attention over to a corner of the storage area. "O-okay, I don't got this! B-but I-I'm alright, everything's fine, yep! Don't got this but it's okay! Still alive and stuff!" Lyra's voice sailed up to greet us as we went over for a look. In my infinite experience 'I'm alright, everything's fine!' tends to precede time in the corner, or, worse, on the sofa. Following her voice we found a little trail of smooth and slippery mint-green crystalline material leading in a drunken trail all the way up to the upside down heap lying in a dent in the wall that was Lyra. "Whoah hey look I'm going really faaaast!" Ditzy cried, wings fluttering excitedly as she spun past, sliding along the trail of crystal, right into... "Wha...n-no! Wait!" Lyra squeaked. Too late. She got to experience the third law of cute, that is when cute exerts cute upon a second cute, the second cute exerts an equal and opposite cute. We all winced as Ditzy and Lyra collided in a painful yet rather cute-looking tangle of pony limbs. Hmm, is this my inner sadomaso-cutist awakening? I decide to distract myself by exercising my masochistic side in asking Crystal Heart for another of her constipation-inducing explanations, "What's that?" Crystal Heart pointed a hoof at the four rather steampony-ish gem-encrusted hoof-shaped gauntlets strapped about Lyra's now upside-down hooves. She then gestured at the many shelves lining one wall holding many similar gauntlets along with many suppository-sized cylindrical objects with crystal tips of all the colours of the rainbow. I couldn't help but notice her eyebrows twitch at the sight of four empty slots on the wall, presumably where Lyra's new toys had resided for the past 1000 years "Let me guess, suppository launchers?" I asked, pointing at the rainbow-coloured cylinders. "Going by the trend, those probably started development as anti-air guns?" "The worrying part is I sense you were serious in your supposition." Crystal Heart shook her head in despair at me, "No, these are FIMs." "Now, what did I say about acronyms? Do you want me to start imagining myself using one of these on you?" I raise an eyebrow. "What does that stand for, Fractals Is Magic?" "Free-D Interspatial Manipulators." She explained, and before I could rename them, she went on quickly, "They are hoofheld devices that allow us most forms of gemcraft magic." She picked one up and slid a hoof through it. It spun and tightened before clicking securely about her hoof, letting out a funky little hiss as the gems studding its side glowed a bright cyan. "Anypony can use them as long as they've got the gem rounds." She picked out one of the bullet-shaped things, this one a light green, before slotting it into an open chamber in the gauntlet. With a smart hiss the chamber spun around the gauntlet, sliding the round into the device. She aimed it at the half-apple in my hand. "Throw it." She said, pointing the gauntlet-bound hoof at me. I obeyed, if only because I had a feeling Crystal Heart would have actually shot me otherwise. A moment later Crystal Heart shot the apple out of the air with a blast of cyan light from the gauntlet. Crystalline spikes erupted out of the impact, wrapping the apple up in the very same storage shard that had kept it preserved for the past 1000 years. "So this is how you preserve the food?" Twilight asked, picking up the preserved apple with her levitation magic and eyeing it closely. "And launch your suppositories." I said, picking out a black bullet and eyeing it appraisingly. It had an equine skull and crossbones mark on it. Huh, how very metal. "That one's the antidote to the flea powder, Master. The lab rats called it the 'bone-killer' round." Crystal Heart said. "I would handle that with care if I were you, especially you." "Oh....kay..." I put it down, very, very carefully. Right, not so metal, not at all. I still picked out four FIMs for myself, resolving to try them on for size later. But I stayed well away from the black rounds. "We use these for more than just preserving food. Everything from constructing our buildings to mining to surgery." Crystal Heart said. "Wheeeee!" Lyra skated past on a little path of crystal she sprayed ahead of herself with the FIMs. "Whohooo!" Ditzy spun past on her haunches after Lyra. "Everything." I nod, eyeing the two zoom past once more. "Unfortunately." Crystal Heart muttered, following my gaze. "Somebody was very very hungry, hungrier than Dinky's tummy." Dinky suddenly said, pointing a hoof down at a nearby storage flower, one holding what looked like marshmallows of all things. A number of its storage gems sat on the ground, a few of which bore... "Are those...bite marks?" Twilight cautiously approached, lifting the nearest gem with her magic. It was chunked in half by what looked like Jaws junior's lipstick marks. "These aren't....the dentition marks of a vegetarian." She murmured, lowering the gem as she looked around, ears suddenly perking up apprehensively. Darn it, I'm in the wrong dimension for my 'humanitarian' joke. Probably the wrong time too, to be honest. "Something was hungry enough to bite through crystal." I said, "And whatever it was might still be in here. With us." The already dim room seemed to grow darker as every shadow in the room loomed over us menacingly in the light of this thought. Everyone slowly but surely huddled together like the herd of cowardly herbivores we were. I gave Derpy and Lyra a sidelong glance, "You two, take all the food and all the volunteers and start moving everything upstairs." "B-But, w-what about all of you?" Ditzy asked, backing into me slowly. "You realize 'food' includes all of you at the moment?" Lyra said, smiling grimly as she stepped up, horn glowing, all 4 FIMs chambering new rounds with ominous clicks. We all felt a chill run down our spines at this. "Imperial crystal is harder than steel. There is only one race on Equus that can bite clean through them." Crystal Heart muttered. "Dragons..." "In here?" Twilight peered up at the ceiling as if expecting a dinosaur to fall out of the shadows. "There are dragons in this world?" I asked, before mentally slapping myself. I have just been made emperor of a love-powered empire of talking pastel-coloured ponies. Dragons should be as outlandish as a house fly in comparison. I can only hope they were as harmless. Hey, going by trend, they're probably rainbow-flavoured dragons that burp glitter and pink at people. "They are one of this Empire's greatest threats." Crystal Heart nodded. "Second only to impotence." "Which was never a problem, off course." I roll my eyes, "I love how this empire has its priorities straight." I was starting to get an idea of why 105.000 citizens just upped and left. "I see. Dragons eat gems." Twilight said, lighting up her horn defensively as she peered about the gloom. "And this entire empire is made of gems." "It's like the gingerbread house, but for dragons." I said, "And we're so in the oven." "Their hides are too magic-resistant for feeble spells like scanning magic. I can't sense dragons unless they are within a few steps of me." Crystal Heart said, her horn joining in lighting up the space. "So when they're about to eat you." I sum up. "This place has been sealed for 1000 years so it's a 1000 year old dragon?" "It can't be. A 1000 year old dragon would be the size of Cloudsdale!" Twilight said, voice shaking. We were all huddled together by the exit at this point, with a few slightly braver volunteers outside trying to rubberneck over our backs. "A baby dragon then, judging by the size of the bite marks." Crystal Heart said. "A....baby dragon? No...it couldn't be..." Twilight murmured to herself. "How'd it get in here then? This place is so deep underground it makes Tartarus look sunny, yep." Lyra pointed out. Dinky patted me on my forehead with a hoof before pointing out a....seriously? We have those here? "Ventilation ducts?" I asked, pointing at a hexagonal hole in a nearby wall and the hexagonal crystal grill covering it. It even bore the same baby godzilla toothache tantrum signature and spewed steam from a frayed gas pipe, all nice and theatrical. "Really? Do you all want to know how I as Overdude feel about ventilation ducts? Heck, how my Overdudette feels?" "You would feel otherwise if you've ever had the misfortune to be stuck in a sealed underground chamber in the presence of a pony afflicted by the most flagrant case of flatulence I had ever had to suffer my entire life, and I have lived a long, long time. Unfortunately." Crystal Heart said. "I shall seal off this chamber for now and all lift services to the sub-basement levels after we leave." "The air vents?" I asked. "I have no means of securing them other than personally traversing all 90000 hooves of our ventilation network." Crystal Heart sighed, "The gemcraft grills were supposed to keep them sealed against even the strongest sub-apocalyptic magic. We...have never counted on a dragon getting this far in or being small enough to crawl through the vents." She seemed to look downcast at this as we finally backed out of the room and allowed her to seal the door. The door panel turned from green to red behind us. "I....I will start tonight." She murmured. "Start what?" I blink, "Oooh, no, missy." I place a hand on her mane and give it a comforting ruffle as I peer down at her, "You're not traipsing about dark and dusty air vents, not when I need a bed warmer." "W-wha....M-Master?!" Crystal Heart suddenly squeaked, her cerulean cheeks mimicking the door panel and glowing a deep red. "I'm sure there's a bed somewhere that needs warming." I add with a teasing grin, inviting a round of chuckles and grins from those gathered. Crystal Heart only burned an even more furious crimson. "Now, let's get a move on. Baby dragon or no, I don't want any of you staying down here too long. Sealing the area will do for now. I'm sure we can work out an easier and safer solution later, especially after a good meal and a good night's sleep." I said, noticing that the volunteers and Twilight, even the indomitable Lyra and the seemingly unconcerned Ditzy, were all slowly becoming more and more tense at being stuck somewhere around the Cambrian layer with their fossilized ancestors. They were all more than happy to agree as we turned to leave. I spotted Twilight give the door one last glance, before shaking her head. Hmm, I wonder if being underground was really starting to get to her? With time, our little party made our way towards the freight elevators where a few volunteers with empty carts had just returned for a resupply. They seemed quite relieved to hear we've called off any further resource gathering for the time being. I could almost see the weight lift off their poor little shoulders as we ascended on the massive crystalline freight elevator (Built to lift the smaller airships, apparently. If this is the size of a 'smaller' crystal empire airship, I fear to imagine the bigger ones.). For a moment I couldn't help but wonder if it was the classy elevator music . I had considered making another attempt at innuendo-free elevator small talk, but with the combined presence of Lyra and Crystal Heart and an entire audience of impressionable ponies, not to mention an underaged filly on my head, I decided not to tempt Murphy's law. Or was it rule 34? Around here, probably both. My elevator companions almost exploded with sighs of relief as they all spilled out on arriving in the large ground floor loading-bay-style chamber. "U-umm, T-Twilight?" A rather subdued voice whispered with a hint of urgency as a little blob of butter yellowness tried to weave itself through the throng of ponies leaving the elevator. "Umm...I-I have something very, very important to tell you...if that's alright, I mean." The familiar form of the rather overly-kind pegasus with the long, flowing sunset-pink mane finally squeezed itself in between two vegetable carts, sending itself flailing and belly-flopping on the floor. "...ouch..." She whispered, tearfully. She's a pegasus. Why didn't she just fly over the crowd? The ceilings are all so high and wide in this place four pegasi could probably fly through the corridors side by side comfortably. Come to think of it I haven't seen that many pegasi fly other than the few who whipped up my thunderstorm earlier on. Maybe it's because we're indoors? .... ....A-Whose-Shat wouldn't, would he? I mean, I was already running out of space on his shit list as it was. He wouldn't do that to the pegasi, would he? Would he? Nah, no being in the universe can be that cruel. I laugh it off inwardly as me being overly paranoid. "Are you alright?" I asked the little pegasus. This earned me an 'eeep' and a dash so fast she was probably breaking the kindness barrier, leaving behind a little pegasus-shaped puff of smoke in its wake. I peered around and found her cowering underneath Twilight's legs. "Uuuh...it's alright, I'm not here anymore, see? There's just your kind and benevolent Overdudette." I said, picking up Dinky off my head and equipping her as a stealth shield instead, holding her out, eliciting a few giggles of amusement from the little filly. "Oh...umm....I'm...I'm sorry..." She murmured, becoming one of the first herbivores in recorded history to apologize for being afraid of a likely predator. "I-it's just....you're so...big and...your hair's so...wild...and....dark...and...umm...big." "And bouncy too. Like a muffin." Dinky giggled, helpfully. "But, Fluttershy, you're not even afraid of Manticores, which are arguably bigger and harrier." Twilight pointed out. Err, that implies I'm actually hairy, Twilight, thanks. "In more ways than one, yep." Lyra giggled. "Oh, I was talking about you, your dudeness." Lyra patted me. "....err...okay, thanks?" I blink. Crystal Heart chose that moment to offer a hoof to Lyra who she graciously high-fived....or is it high-hoofed? Wait, what did I miss? "Ah...um.....but manticores are cute...and...umm....not ugly and hideous..." Fluttershy murmured, looking down at her twiddled hooves. There it was again, the kindest buldozer ever flying at my heart at the speed of kind. Dinky had to pat me comfortingly to prevent me from seizing up there and then. "Anyway, what is it?" Twilight asked, "The important thing." "Oh...oooh, yes, Twilight, you need to hurry! There's a big fight in the grand hall!" Fluttershy cried, "Everypony has turned mean on everypony else and it just won't settle no matter what anypony does...oh dear, oh dear, what do we do?" I've never heard so many pronouns turned so pink and cute in one sentence, ever. It was like a ponynoun pride parade. I had long since picked up on the odd nuance of equine speech, using 'ponies' instead of 'people'. Perhaps it was a reflection of herd culture, especially an oppressed one, as a way of differentiating themselves from the dangerous non-ponies? I had not bothered adopting it just yet, mainly because it hasn't caused any problems so far and also because I don't think all the Old Spice in the world will help me wash out all the pink. But I digress. The point is, Old Spice is manly. I looked up to notice most eyes were on me. "What?" I asked, looking around, "Is it my hair again? Dinky, I think I need you back on my head. I think my hair is sticking out again..." I said, plopping the giggling filly back on my unruly hair. She dutifully began turning in place, flattening my hair with her little hooves, before nesting comfortably in the tiny furrow she made for herself. "Fluttershy said there's an argument boiling in the grand hall." Twilight said, "I think we're going to need you." "Girl, all the girls always need me." I said with a grin, "They don't make doormats this sexy no more. Now, let's send this doormat to the stampede, shall we?" I said, "Lyra, can you please get the food cart teams ready? I want you to follow in on my signal." "Yep, gotcha your dudeness." Lyra said, throwing off a salute. "The rest of you, walk with me." I said, motioning at Crystal Heart, Twilight and Ditzy. We quickly made our way through the crystal-gilded corridors, making a beeline straight for the grand hall. When we arrived there was already a crowd of ponies backed into the entrance, as if trying to stay as far away from the centre of the hall as possible. Those who noticed us arrive were quick to back away even further, eyeing us...well, me, fearfully. What happened to them cheering me on earlier? "....and ah ain't worshippin nopony!" A loud voice sailed up from within the chamber. It was a calculated voice, one still under control, but was quite obviously rapidly loosing its cool. "All ah'm sayin' is all yer gonna find out there beyond an icy death is a foalish one! If ya want to go tumble with timberwolves that's yer choice but don't drag nopony with ya!" A familiar stetson hat bobbed in the distance as its owner finished saying her part with a final stomp of a hoof for emphasis. The familiar sunset orange form of Applejack stood alone in the centre of the wide circle of frightened ponies opposite a large gathering of slightly more fierce-looking ponies, mostly unicorns at its centre from the looks of it. "'And the lord Ahuizotl sayeth, my kingdom doth lie beyond a mountain of fire and a sea of death," The tall, imperious-looking pure white unicorn mare sporting a silverish pink mane at the front of the opposing group said, calmly. Wait...is it really a unicorn? Her horn didn't look quite complete. "...but mine is the fruit of truth and justice sweeter than any spore of the earth.'." My eyes wandered down to her mark, it was 3 florets reminiscent of the Fleur De Lys. "If you and your blasphemers wish to turn your backs on our Lord Ahuizotl then it's your own immortal soul to condemn to Tartarus." I recognized her. She was the one who spoke out against Sunset Shimmer when she was glorifying the pony race earlier. Looks like we have ourselves a literal diehard believer. "That's Fleur Dis Lee." Twilight said, following my gaze, "She was Lord Blueblood's fiance." Noticing the blank look on my face Twilight was quick to explain, "Lord Blueblood is the administrator and chief inquisitor of Canterlot, the ancient capital of the old diarchy, and right hand pony of the Felis General, Fireclaw. He's a devout follower of the church of Ahuizotl, which is part of the reason he earned himself such a high position despite being a hoofer." "Let me guess." I said, "She's an Ass-Shot devotee." Finding one amongst these so-called 'marked abominations unto An-Ass-Shot' was unexpected but not impossible. "I heard she wasn't always one." Twilight said, "But she really loved Blueblood. I heard her mark appeared at her wedding, just as she kissed her groom." Twilight shook her head, "The poor girl." "Jeez...." I mutter. "I for one agree with Applejack." The equine equivalent of elegance on legs stepped out into the circle to back up Applejack. Rarity threw back her well-kept purple mane over her shoulder as she came to a stop facing the pure white unicorn. "The simple fact of the matter, darling, is that we are all marked. Returning now means at best life on the run once more, at worst a very very long bad hair day. Being allowed the traitor's walk and the execution block would be a mercy in comparison. I agree with you that it is your choice to return as much as it is our choice to remain." She leaned forwards, eyes suddenly glaring diamond-edged, "But you will not coerce, intimidate or harm anypony into joining you, not on my watch, dearie, so help me Ahu....so help me!" She slammed a hoof down threateningly. "Look at yourself, Rarity! What would the bishop say if he saw you now?!" The white unicorn began, stomping her hoof in kind, temper suddenly flaring. "Fine, if you wish to throw aside all that Lord Ahuizotl has generously given you! It is my right to try and save as many innocent souls as I could before..." before she was rather rudely interrupted by the sound of a.... ....was that the sound of an electric guitar solo? I looked around and caught sight of Lyra hiding something behind her back as she raised her voice, "My fellow ponies? Our Overdude would like to say a word." She gave me a wink. Huh, thanks, Lyra. Jeez, what am I supposed to say? This just can't get any more awkward without me putting my hand in....oh, hey, what's this my hand has in my pocket? Okay, I stand corrected, it can get more awkward. The right kind of awkward too. The silence was broken by a resounding 'pop'. The simple, unassuming sound echoed about the grand hall ominously like the ghost of some restless condom wrapper. ...Pop.... There were a few gasps, even a whimper or two, from the audience, particularly the unicorns. ...Pop..... A few of the unicorns began to shift uneasily, some even fidgeting uncomfortably. ....Pop.... Even the unicorns standing against Applejack and Rarity had brought their rearhooves close together, shifting them about uneasily. ....Pop.... Pegasi and earth ponies alike had joined in alternating between holding their breaths and hyperventilating, biting their lips, a few even scraping their hooves longingly. ....Pop.... "M-Master, what the buck are you doing to my horn?" Crystal Heart finally hissed. "The dance of my people." I reply, simply, popping another bubble-wrap on her horn. "It is sacred, so shush." "It is sacrilege." She snapped at me. Still, despite her protests, she shivered with a little sigh as I popped another bubble on her now gently glowing horn. I looked up at the crowd, pretending to notice them for the first time. Almost 1000 pairs of eyes were staring at me with mixtures of disbelief, outrage, and, dare I say, mad yearning? I honestly did not expect the latter, but I simply applied my tried-and-tested approach to all such matters. I rolled with it. I raised the bubblewrap a little, eliciting a collective quiet gasp from the crowd. I felt all eyes follow its descent, breaths held in unison. Then I stopped just an inch away from the horn. I lift it away, causing a susurration of moans and whimpers to run through the crowd. Then I lower it again, earning me another shared breath holding of anticipation. I stopped again. A few more whimpers and squeaks filled the air. I even heard the sound of one or two ponies in the back fall over. Raise, gasp. Lower, breath hold. Raise, moan and whimper. Lower, breath hold. I'm good. And that's bad. I looked down and found Crystal Heart was trying to crane her neck ever so subtly towards the bubble wrap, eyes shut tight as if both dreading and craving the sacrilege. Then I folded the bubblewrap gently, earning myself a wave of moans and whimpers as I caressed every fold and smoothed every crease. I looked up from my careful labours to aim a glance at my audience. A few soft sighs, even a few swoons, greeted me. Then, in one slow but smooth and deliberate motion, I slipped it deep inside my waiting pocket. A wave of suppressed gasps and muffled cries filled the room. A few poor ponies even collapsed onto their already quivering knees. Oh me, I'm so good at crushing the mood. Then rebuilding the flaming ashes in my own glorious image. I paused to look around at my companions. Poor Lyra had passed out in a little puddle of what I hope was just drool. Ditzy, unsurprisingly, only looked very, very amused, wings fluttering in merriment. Twilight, however, was staring at me, wide eyes twitching madly, mane so frazzled it was looking almost as good as mine...I mean my hair. Fluttershy had found a black crate to hide under, judging by how much it was vibrating against the floor in fear. Good, looks like I had their unanimous approval. Emboldened by the support of my loyal companions, I put on my stage cap as I raised my hands along with my voice, "Now that I have your entirely undivided attention, once again, ponies," I bellowed, "I welcome you all as victors. This day and all the days that follow are yours by right, for you have won them from the ha-...hooves of persecution and death by your hooves and your hooves alone!" I raise a hand to Lyra....who is, me dammit, knocked out. Twilight, however, frazzled as she was, recovered quickly enough to pick up the slack, summoning up the cargo cart crew. "Tonight, ladies, you shall all partake in the fruits of your brave labours, you shall all bask in the peace and security you've all courageously earned yourself. Tonight, we dine in glory, feast in victory, and celebrate your freedom!" Crystal Heart didn't miss a beat. As the food cards entered she lowered six large food storage flowers from the ceiling. They spun theatrically as they bloomed in midair, glowing bright in their slow descent towards the crowd. Ooohs and Aaaahs greeted the crystal flowers, eyes widened at the sight of their mouthwatering contents. Meanwhile my volunteer pillow and blanket crew had begun carting their cargo around the grand hall, distributing pillows and blankets for everyone to get comfortable on. Meanwhile, the storage blossoms showered the room with food crystals spiraling down like big fat snowflakes while more food magically flew off the carts like a flock of tropical birds filling the air, hungry eyes following in their wake. They quickly made their way into waiting, eager hooves. I glanced about. The ponies stared in disbelief at the beautiful jumbo apples in their hooves, the soft fluffy pillows in their laps, all eyes glancing between me and their newfound luxuries anxiously, some questioning their sanity, some more suspiciously querying what price this demon would demand for such temptations. Just as I was doing some quick thinking on how best to theatrically address that, a crunch of a little mouth taking a big bite out of a firm apple echoed about the room. All eyes flew up to the little form sitting comfortably on my hair, hugging the biggest rosiest apple ever. "Its good!" The Co-overdudette vouched. "My Co-Overdudette has tasted!" I announced, "And she saw that it is good!" That seemed to sell it almost immediately, with hunger dissolving what little hesitation remained. Hungry maws dug in to the waiting feast. A tidal wave of happy moans and sighs of delight filled the room, as if echoing Dinky's earlier burst of happiness at tasting her first apple. "Did I hear somepony say feast?! Cause, that's like, just another fancy shmansy word for 'party'! And I can do both fancy shmansy pansy and parties. At. The. Same. Time!" There was an explosive burst of confetti and, seriously, where are these party balloons coming from? I walked amongst the suddenly jubilant masses as I made my way towards my newly constructed throne made of a mountain of pink fluffy pillows, courtesy of a now revived and very excited Lyra. I'm not entirely sure how she managed to turn my coffin into the frilliest pinkest demonic overlord throne ever, but I wasn't about to question her eagerness. Heck, for her efforts, this god emperor of ponykind will make pink so Armageddon-riding badass it will make black look like a sissy emo goth still living in his momma's crayon box. Chuck Norris himself will plead me for permission to dye his beard pink. Plus, pink can't stab you in the back. I gave Lyra a ruffle of her mane in gratitude which she seemed to thoroughly enjoy as I sat down upon the newly glorified mass of pink. And yes, it was sink-into-heaven cozy and warm. And the true nature of my throne very quickly revealed itself to me as Lyra leapt up onto the mass of fluffy cushions that made the left arm rest and settled there, giving me a conspiratorial wink. I see her vision. One day, this shall be a throne that unites all ponykind, symbolized by all the ponies gathered about it. Well, either that or it was some sort of raunchy harem throne for the sleezy overlord and his gathered mares lounging all around him, but I have faith in Lyra. I have faith, dammit. I lifted Dinky off my head along with her prized apple and gently allowed her to settle on the armrest to my right. "This is the Co-Overdudette throne. Your throne for today." "It smells like pink and happiness, Mr. Muffin." She said, trotting her little hooves about it, testing the lay of her new land. "Umm....Do you think if Dinky planted the apple seed here, a big pink tree of happiness might grow, Mr. Muffin?" She asked, looking up at me. "Every tree you plant will be a tree of happiness, Dinky." I give her another pat on the head. "That's our job as Overdude and Co-Overdudette." Speaking of which, I turned to regard what I suppose was now my throne room. There was no other way to describe it, my heart simply swelled up in happiness at the sight, of the once deprived creatures who had all presumably lived off nothing but hay and grass, enjoying their first real meal in macaroons knows how long. In peace and safety they had been denied for so long no less. Sure, it was someone else's food, someone else's safe haven, but it still did me no end of joy. "This is your food to give away, your Empire to share, Master." Crystal Heart said, patting my....knee. Guys, what's with my knee, really? And Crystal Heart, do you really want me to imagine you getting intimate with a suppository launcher? "I regret nothing." She said, swatting my threat aside offhoofedly. "These are your ponies you've saved. You have truly earned your place as Crystal Emperor, Master." "Never sell yourself short, my lord. You are our very first and last hope now. Some might not show it as openly as others, but we are all more grateful than we could ever show." Twilight said, patting my, yes, my other knee. Fluttershy, what have you started? "Thanks, Twilight, Crystal Heart." I smiled down at the two I could now, even after only a few hours in this land, call my most trusted companions. "Really, thank you. Thank you for letting me do this." I patted Crystal Heart gently. I think I saw Twilight peer at Crystal Heart's look of bliss, but only out of curiosity, seemingly. No, I didn't have her pinned down as the affectionate sort. "Is your horn alright?" I asked Crystal Heart, "Sorry, it felt like a good idea at the time." "It....worked." Twilight murmured. "I'll....live." Crystal Heart muttered. "Ah, yes, Master, Ms. Doo," She nodded at me and Ditzy, "I have assigned the dormitory across from Master's bedroom as the filly room. It is warmed up and ready with a supply of both food and milk. You may take them there when you're ready, Ms. Doo." "Wait, of all the rooms in this citadel, why are they in the room next to mine?" I asked, raising an eyebrow. "Think of all the things they might find in the carpet up there. There are wild chamberpots prowling the place." "I shall put aside my overwhelming urge to make an inappropriate quip here." Crystal Heart cleared her throat, "There are 1000 females in this settlement. There are thus nearly 1000 potential mother figures. But there is only one being even remotely equipped to qualify as a father figure." I may or may not have missed Dinky's ears perking up at this. "Hey, I thought we're done dissing my genes." I said, pointedly. "This once I ask you don't change the subject, Master." Crystal Heart said, "These fillies will need one growing up. And, I daresay, you will need them." She said. "But...I..." I had long yearned for it, yes, but suddenly being thrust it, I couldn't help but feel overwhelmed. And that's without loading on the emotional baggage of having that man for a father. I can't, I... "There will be a time for that later. That time is not now." Crystal Heart said, impatiently, cutting my emo spiral short. I could almost hear the vinyl scratch. "You don't have to suddenly become one tonight. That will come with time. You need only know that, at least for now, you are the only one who qualifies for the role." "Crystal Heart, I..." "You'll be fine." She said, suddenly soothing. "You've always been, you will continue to be, Master." Was that her leaning against my leg as she settled into the cushion by my side? But before I could peruse that train of thought any further I heard her breathing quieten, even soften. Then as I wondered what was going on she began snoring softly as she lay on the stack of cushions by my knee, head resting in my lap. "That was fast..." I said, sharing Ditzy's confused look. "She must have really over-exerted herself. Well, you heard it. Can I leave it up to you, Ditzy?" "Sure thing, your highnessness!" She said, giving me an eager nod. "Oh, but, Ditzy, no rush. Just make sure they've got something to eat for now, and get something to eat yourself. You deserve some celebrating." I said. She gave me a big nod and a thankful smile before disappearing into the festivities. I turned to my right and found that Dinky was walking off with Twilight. Dinky seemed excited about something, Twilight seemed surprised but pleasantly so. She noticed me watching them, gave me a smile, before leading Dinky away somewhere. Hmm, odd. I wasn't allowed to let my thoughts linger there for long. There was trouble in paradise. I eyed the group of dissenters and spotted them speaking to the rainbow-maned one. Rainbow Dash, wasn't it? The colourful pegasus was wearing a pained expression, as if torn by some inner struggle, as the pure white unicorn spoke levelly with her. One of her followers noticed my eyeing them and notified her leader. They all glared at me. The pure white unicorn, however, did not. What was that in her look? Contempt? No, more like...pity. Interesting. Without a word she turned away, leading her sizeable entourage of faithfuls away from the festivities. They disappeared through the main doors, presumably making their way for the exit. "You've disabled the engines on the stolen airship?" I said quietly to Crystal Heart. "Hmm, yes..." She murmured, half-snoozing, turning over onto her back with her head still in my lap. "Not keen on letting them escape your clutches, your dudeness?" Lyra said with a smile. "How cunning of you, my Master~" "No, not so much that. I just don't want the inquisitors detecting the magic from the engines. That's how they found us the first time." I lied. No, if I had to be honest, it was true, I didn't want them leaving. I wanted them to come to believe in me, put their faith in me, rely and depend on me entirely like all the others. I will not lose to the likes of Whose-Shat, not here, not on home ground. Crud, that was my messiah complex speaking again. I quickly shoved the thoughts away as far away as I could. But it carried on gnawing at my mind, like some dark-purplish sickeningly-green miasma preying away at my sanity. Not that I had much left. But I had to make it last.