//------------------------------// // Callete! // Story: Shut Up! // by WeirdBeard //------------------------------// Nyaha nyahahaha!  So we had this office party last night and I'm 99.99% sure that someone spiked my water, nyaha.  Who's the best at accounting and is hammered out of his mind?  Me!  Erwin, that's who, nyaha! "SWEET GEORGIA BROWN, WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?!" Wassup councilmans, I was just giving an intro to our fine readerpeople.  Was that an intense party last night or what?  "ERWIN, ARE YOU NARRATING WHILST INTOXICATED?" Only on account of villainy, Professor Hootington.  "WHAT?" Whoa!  I'm getting super mind powers from the alcohol.  An idea... blue waffles sound delicious.  "THAT IS DISGUSTING AND YOU SHOULD FEEL ASHAMED, ERWIN." Hey hey!  Where do one-legged waitresses work?  "I DON'T.. FINE, WHERE?". iHop, nyaha!  "CHESTHAIR OF ZEUS, GET ON WITH THE STORY!" Mmmnyahakay.  Last time on 'Shut Up', our little Steve crawled his way into our hearts. I'm so proud of him!  "Erwin, you are the weirdest drunk I've ever met.". And you're the cutest talking beaver-bird I've ever seen.  "...Can we just get on with this?" Through his silly escapades, the citizens of Ponyville pretty much flipped their lids and barricaded themselves indoors.  That rascally Steve, scaring everypony everywhere everytime. I better copyright this shizuoka, it's gold! And then we found out that Steve sucks at everything.  "Screw you Erwin!" Today's chapter is brought by the letter 4, because that's how many cups of 'water' I had!  "..we are so f-" iretruck, nyaha!  Chapter 4: Callate! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- THUNK. THUNK. THUNK. Not sure if Steve is banging his head against a wall or Twilight and Whooves are doing it upstairs.  ("#*@$, ERWIN!  NO MORE FRYE JOKES, BE ORIGINAL!") Wasn't me, it was that flying narwhal!  (“GET SOBER! NOW!”)   I’ll get right on that, nyaha. Despite how wild and unexpected- not to mention graphic- the earlier second option would have been, it was the former.  The loud thunking was created from good ol’ Steve.  The poor sap and company had finally arrived to the library for investigation, but thus far the research was fruitless.  Due in large part because Steve still wasn’t used to his new hooves, he could only prod at the covers of the books. Twilight was searching other material while Whooves watched Steve in amusement.  Pinkie Pie busied herself with the books that Twilight cast aside.  Not by putting them away of course, but instead building up a book fortress.   Steve gave up his attempts and resorted to hitting the floor in mild frustration.  "This sucks," he muttered. "I don't know about you, but I'm having a blast!  Seriously, you're more fun than a barrel of monkeys, only dumber!" said Whooves, laughing at Steve's conundrum. Steve grumbled and replied, "You're so helpful.  Don't you have anything better to do?" "Nothing that's as entertaining as this.  Wouldn't you agree, Pinkie?" the doctor quizzed. "Absolutely!" Pinkie proclaimed, peeking out from her completed mansion of literature.  "Why are you so stressed, Stevie?  You haven't even smiled since you got here!" Steve gave a fake smile.  "There, I smiled.  Mission accomplished.” "Oh Stevie, you can’t fool me that easily.  We still need to throw a party for you!” Pinkie announced. Twilight frowned slightly.  "That's easier said than done, Pinkie.  Everypony is afraid of him because they think he's a health threat." "Don't worry, Twilight, I have ways to convince them otherwise," replied Pinkie, rubbing her hooves together. Steve shook his head.  "I'd rather keep them like that." Every pony quickly turned their attention to him with looks of surprise.  Pinkie burst apart her book fortress to clutch Steve and interrogate him.  "What do you mean you want to keep them like that?!  You have a chance to make tons of friends with a bunch of great ponies here!" After steadying himself by the table, Steve retorted, "Look.  I'm really not planning on being here long." Even the doctor started to protest.  "But the council said-" "I could care less what they think.  I just want to get all of this done as soon as possible and go home, nothing more,” blurted Steve. Pinkie and Twilight appeared a little hurt from his blunt attitude.  Whooves bit his lip, deep in thought.  “Ya know, it’s not all bad here.  You’re already getting used to walking!  Plus, you’re starting to grow on us.  True, I hated your guts at the start there, but there’s something.. different about you.” Steve snorted disdainfully.  “You mean that I’m a human and not a pony?” Twilight approached him.  “No, something else.  I can’t put my hoof on it either.. but whatever the case, we still want to help you.” “Yeah!  You’ve got a super duper awesome quest of self-discovery ahead!  Maybe we can figure out what you’re supposed to do here as well as what your talent is,” said Pinkie.  She smiled wildly and placed a hoof on Steve’s shoulder.  “What do you say, Stevie?”   The doctor nodded in agreement.  “Honestly, chap, I know I want you around.  Tell us about yourself and we can find some answers.” Steve eyed all of them suspiciously.  “All of you are being way too nice right now!  This better not be some crazy mind-bending prank that you’re pulling on me.  Fine.. what do you want to know?” I betcha they're trollin' him, nyaha! “That’s the spirit,” said Twilight, allowing a small grin to cover her face.. so druuunnnkkk right now, nyaha!  “Just tell us about you.  Likes, dislikes, growing up, everything!” He scratched his head and blushed lightly.  “To be honest, it’s pretty dang boring.  I was born and raised in the Writers’ Academy, that place we were at before I became.. this.  It’s the only ‘home’ I’ve ever known and writing’s been the only thing I’ve ever done in my life. That's it.” Steve’s friends -wishful thinking, nyaha, no idea what they’re thinking- leaned forward expectantly.  Whooves was the first to break the silence.  “Wait, is that really all?” “I told you, there’s not a whole lot behind me.  What you see is what you get,” he replied. Pinkie giggled.  “Horse apples, I just know there’s another lil’ inner Stevie in ya!  Soon as we make you friends with everypony in town, he’s bound to come out.”  Without a moment of hesitation, she grasped Steve and pulled him outside to the town square. Twilight and the doctor chased after them.  “Wait, Pinkie!  Everypony’s still afraid of him, shouldn’t we start small and introduce him to our friends?” "Phooey, Twilight, I told you that I have my little ways of convincing ponies otherwise!” she responded. Pinkie pulled a phonograph out of nowhere (remember, where we're going we don't need sense.).  "Alright everypony, let’s jam!” Pinkie shouted, flicking the device on.  It began to emit a funky beat, very reminiscent of a classic human television show.  She put a cheesy 90’s hat over her mane.  The song sounded like- oh the heck with it, MAGIC TIME!  (Make sure there is adequate room for this jammin’ song, you might groove along too, nyaha!)   Pinkie took in a deep breath and began to sing, “Now this is a story all about how, this pony named Steve looks so down. We’ll take this little song, get over here!  We’re gonna figure out how to give him cheer.” Several ponies were beginning to peek out of their windows, curious as to what was going on.  Pinkie continued, “In West Fillydelphia, born and raised, on the playground is where he spent most of his days.  Chilling out, partying, acting all cool, and playing some hoofball outside of school.  When a couple of meanies, up to no good!  Started making trouble in the neighborhood. He got in one little fight and his mum felt fear, she said, “Move to Ponyville, my little dear.” As if she was the new Pied Piper (Pinkied Piper? nyaha, pipes), the joyful tune was luring out more and more ponies into the town square to watch.  Pinkie started the last verse. “So now he’s here in our fair city, we should welcome him with this ditty.  If anything try to apologize for today, but whatever he’s here: Steve, hooray!  Let’s give him the finest party he’s ever seen, c’mon ponies, don’t be mean!  He’s a really cool guy, say hi to Steve.  Seriously everypony, stop shaking like leaves!” Pinkie finished very loudly, striking a final pose.  The crowd was in silent awe and confused of what would happen next.  “Did you say ‘guy’?” a familiar minty-green unicorn asked.   Ohhohoh, it’s that obligatory joke that had to be thrown in!  It’s like a game of ‘Who’s That Pony?!’  A unicorn that noticed 'guy' in the song?  I betcha it’s Pumpkin Cake, that rascal.  (“THAT IS IT!  ERWIN, YOU ARE DISMISSED OF NARRATING!  FOR YOUR DRUNKEN INCOMPETENCE, YOU SHALL NOW SERVE AS COMEDIC RELIEF!”)   Nyaha.  Nyahahaha!  (“WHAT?!”)  You said ‘dic’.  (“FOR THE LOVE OF.. BANHAMMER!”)   Wooooo!  Hang te-”OOFFPH!” “What the?!” “Nyaha, what’s up ponies?” “Hey look everypony, it’s Erwin!” “Erwin!”  “Erwin?!” "I love Erwin!"  “Erwin!  I want yo babies!” “Are you kidding me?!  Everypony already knows and loves him?!  WAIT!  Erwin, if you’re not narrating, then who is?” “I don’t think you’re gonna like the answer.” “WHO?!” "Your step-dad.” Sup son. “Trey?!  You filth, SHUT UP!”