//------------------------------// // Now back to the actual story // Story: Wake up. See this. What do? - Part 2: Raise the Flag (comment driven story) // by RazortheAwesome //------------------------------// Well isn't it obvious? You receive an incoming call on your phone from your boss telling you he knows that it's your day off, but that a target of the utmost importance must be tortured for his sins. The Target, Shia Labeouf. Materials needed for execution: Skinning Knives, Salt, Lemonade, Electric Eels, A speaker system playing all the worst pop songs of the last five years AT THE SAME TIME!!!! Gasoline A Mariachi Band A car battery Electric Cables a Tomigachi BUTTERFLYS!!! JELLO!!!! Liam Neeson and Mr Blonde for support An HD Video Camera And Stephen Spielberg to Film It. Use your Imagination Rose Also at your most inconvenient time, you all of a sudden feel constipated and diarrheatic at the same time. Get to a bathroom where you all of a sudden feel really horny for some reason as you crap your life away, and where are all those pretty colors coming from? Ask the catooney hallucinations what they think. But don't trust them, you're certain they are all salesmen. As for the What do? Bit, I'd say find the nearest bathroom. And a vibrator. And ask why there is a dragon guarding your fridge. Go have a walk. Lament about all the insanity that had became your life in Ponyville. The friends you've come to know, the assignments given to you, the vigorous training that you've been put through, the screams of your targets, including the melodramatic Lily, Ponyville for it's false descriptions of promised calm, and most of all Daedaltheus and how you met him. When had the universe became so weird? Was there ever a thought when you wished things were normal? Why are you starting to have cheesy thoughts now all of a sudden? But by goodness you need to relax. Well, time to go to the SPA! ...with your fabled flower friends, of course. I think you answered your own question Roseluck, go buy your groceries and enjoy the morning... while it lasts. Dun dun dun! Nah but seriously go get some groceries and enjoy the morning air! Rosie, sweetie, you're gonna get yerself down to the local spa for some alone time. Go find the dildo under your bed, have about 10 seconds of fun, then go downstairs to prepare breakfast. Also do it in a dungeoncrawler like fashion cause why not? As "fuck up DXIV's plans" is probablly not an option just do whatever the last 8 people said or just fuck Line Draft until one of has something better to do. I, Roseluck (insert last name here if it exists), now have decided to go down from my room, fix myself a cup of tea. Why? Because I'm in a f*cking tea mood. Don't question me! And then, I'm gonna hug Line Draft. Why? Because I'm in a hugging mood. Don't question me! And then I'm gonna snuggle with him! Back to author mode: I don't think I'll ever do female perspective again… it felt weird… Find your happy place, find your happy place, find your happy place... Roseluck, darling, I am going to be busy for a while so, you might want to consider this a mini vacation, have fun and the lot. Also, go to the spa with Lily and Daisy. It's a beautiful morning~ And the sun is shining~ Roseluck: You just can't help but sing to yourself on this pretty good day. It's practically your day off, and that hasn't happened in a long time. You'll probably be hearing about the recent turn of events from other ponies you say hello to. On that note, you might as well see how Lily and Daisy are doing, maybe take a spa trip or something to unwind. Although... Derpy did die recently... That can't be good for the mood of Ponyville. Might want to be careful with your own mood, as it might incite a fight against you, and that wouldn't be good in your situation as an author's assistant, now would it? At last, I have found the gold...again...for some reason...i don't know...magic? Roseluck...good luck with your sheets. (judging from the fact that she woke up already after the previous day, either she was awake for the strike of the colon blow ex-machina, or it hit her at some point in the night. The final, and from her perspective preferable, option is that it appeared to her as a dream sequence that is now being over analysed by the readers to try and...that sentence ends somehow, figure it out for yourselves. Please don't tell me, I don't need another reason to go to therapy... Anyway, if it was an elaborate dream sequence, go fuck Line Draft If it wasn't... ... ... ... God help you. *RazortheAwesome reads all the comments you guys posted* Da f***? *Rereads the end of the last chapter* DAMMIT DAEDALTHEUS!!!!!!!! -Somewhere that's not here- "Hehehe..." -Back to here- *SIGH!* ANYWAY.... Since it's your first real day off in a long time (and by that you mean day off from both your job here in Ponyville and working for your other boss), you decide to treat yourself and head on over to the spa. You contemplate inviting Lily and Daisy for a moment, but after you think about it for a little bit, you decide that you don't really want them around this time. Nothing against them, its just that Daisy was acting kind of weird the last time she talked to you and Lily..... well you honest to Celestia don't know whats up with Lily. So you decide to give yourself some well deserved alone time and start heading to the spa by yourself. After you're done there maybe you'll grab some groceries or go see Line Draft. You don't exactly know where he lives, but it can't be that hard to figure out. Celestia you feel all flushed just thinking about him. But yes. Spa first. Okay, now that thats done. Perspective Shift: Jason Morgan By the way... Did Jason get kidnapped or horribly injured? The cliffhanger kinda implies that... You open your eyes to see..... green. Your vision is blurry as all hell so you can really make out anything to save your life, but the only thing you see is a really bright green color. Suddenly, from the corner of your eye you see this purplish blog come into view, but the moment it does, it disappears again, as if it saw you and ran the hell out of there. You think you can hear someone.... somepony, shouting something, but it sounds really far away, too fear for you to hear anything. Your vision nor your hearing doesn't get time to adjust as you quickly close your eyes again and everything goes black. When you open your eyes again you see.... orange. The bright green that you saw before is still there, but now it's just in the corners of your vision while the orangeness is taking up most of what you see. Your vision is still blurry as all hell, but after a few moments, you think you can see a bit of yellow as well, as well as a bit of white and brown, and some green. Instinctively you blink a few times, and when your vision clears, the orange blob takes shape and turns out to be Applejack. She's looking right at you, you're almost eye level with her. From what you can tell, you seem to be lying down. You look past her for a moment at the green walls behind her. It doesn't take long at all for you to figure out where you are. All you can do is groan loudly and try to sit up. God it seems like you only just got out of the hospital yesterday. If you didn't know any better you'd say that you were quickly making a habit of this. The moment you try to sit up though, Applejack quickly puts a hoof on your chest. "Easy there," she says to you as she pushes you back into the bed. "Ya'll took quite a beatin, don't go pushin yourself too hard." You don't say anything at that. You know that what she just said is essentially true. Still, you let out another groan and roll over in your hospital bed, only to come face to face with Spike. You then lift your head up a little bit to see Rarity standing next to him, and then Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, and then Fluttershy. They all were here for you. At the foot of your bed however, was another pony. A purple unicorn. A purple unicorn with purple eyes and a magenta streak running through her mane. Twilight Sparkle. As much as it kind of pissed you off to see her here right now, you can't really bring yourself to be that mad about it, especially after what happened. Against Applejack's wishes, you try to sit back up again. She tries to push you down again, but you gently push her hoof out of the way. She seems to get the message as you, with some effort, push yourself up. You almost fall over, but you steady yourself a bit and rub your face with your right hand. "What time is it?" you ask them. None of them respond though. When you take your hand off of your eyes, you look back at all of them see them all looking around at each other. It seems like they're all silently debating whether to tell you or not, or to be more accurate, like theres something they all know that they're not sure if they want to tell you. "Jesus Christ, how long was I out?" is the only thing you can ask them. -Two Weeks Ago- -Ponyville- The events of earlier pay back through your head again as you replay the moment that Risen Flagg shot Derpy. With that in your head, you run towards the stage as fast as you can, jump up into the air, land on one of the guard ponies in front of the stage, and then jump off of him out of the cloud of tear gas as you fly several feet into the air again and fall towards the center of the stage, right in where Risen Flagg is. Time almost literally seems to slow to a crawl for you as you look directly into his eyes again and see that he is still smiling at you. It was almost like he expected this. As you look into his eyes, the moment he shot Derpy replays in your head again as you raise your lightning enchanted spear, the lightning in it growing in ferocity as sparks fly out from it. Out of the corner of your eye you notice Trixie watching you with a look of horror on her face, but you don't care about her. You don't care about what anyone things of this motherf*cker. HE WILL PAY FOR WHAT HE DID TO DERPY!!! Then, right as you reach Risen Flagg, you bring the spear down, right on him. The moment the blade of your spear gets within an inch of his face though, it suddenly stops. No, really, it just stops. It wasn't like a magical barrier kind of stop where something blocked it, it literally just stopped. You look at Risen Flagg, he's not moving, but then you notice another hoof holding the spear, a white hoof. You follow the hoof and find yourself staring into the eyes of Joseph Curwen, Risen Flagg's butler. The deadpan, emotionless expression on his face is still there, and he doesn't even seem to flinch despite the fact that there are now several thousand volts of lightning traveling through him. In fact, the lightning doesn't even seem to be affecting him at all. Before your mind can even processes that any further than it already has though, you don't even see him move, but the next thing you know, you suddenly feel yourself get hit in the chest by something as you go flying backwards. After that, everything went black. -The Starship Enterprise- In the transporter room of the Starship Enterprise, the machines flared to life as Kirk, Spock, McCoy, and Gordon Freebrony all appeared in the room. The still conscious members of the party looked around for a moment to get a handle on where they actually were, but it didn't take them more than a moment to get it. "Dammit Scotty!" Kirk practically shouted as he stepped out of the transporter and removed his perception filter, effectively making him appear as his regular, human self again. "What's going on!?" "Jim," McCoy said, but Kirk ignored him. "Sir," Scotty said as he walked around the controls right up to him. "Thank god you're all right." "I'm grateful for your concern Scotty but why did you pull us out!?" Kirk angrily asked. "Captain," Spock said as he raised his hoof, as neither he nor McCoy had removed their perception filters yet. "Not now Spock!" Kirk shouted without turning around before he returned his attention to Scotty. "We were this close to our target! We could see him. We were just about to get what we needed from him. So why did you have to pull us up now without contacting us!?" "Jim!" McCoy shouted at him one last time. "What!?" Kirk shouted as he spun around to look at McCoy, only to see him pointing down at Gordon Freebrony. When both Kirk and Scotty turned their attention to him, their eyes widened with absolute horror as they realized what he and Spock were talking about. Yes, Gordon Freebrony was unconscious, but more importantly, Zecora was standing right on top of him. Quickly and franticly, she looked all around the room like a child who had just been taken from its home. She looked around at all the silver, grey, and white wall and saw all the lights, buttons, but more importantly, she saw the crew, she saw them. As all of this flooded her vision, she started breathing faster, which quickly went from simple breathing to hyperventilating as her mind struggled to comprehend let alone understand where she was and who she was with. Then, with one last turn, she saw Kirk. She saw him as he was, not as a pony, but as the human that he really was. At that, like a light suddenly going out, Kirk watched as he saw Zecora's eyes roll into the back of her head and she collapsed right on top of Gordon Freebrony, dropping the spear she was holding to the floor as well. "Dammit!" Kirk shouted as he rushed over to her and tried to pick her up off of Gordon, which considering that she was about as large as an actual pony from earth, was kind of difficult. After a moment of trying though, Spock rushed over, tore off his perception filter and easily picked her up with his Vulcan strength. At that, Kirk just nodded at him as he grabbed Gordon, who was much easier to carry. "Get them to the med bay!" Kirk shouted as McCoy came over to help him with Gordon. "Bones, about Zecora-" "Dammit Jim I'm a doctor not a veterinarian!" Bones said to Kirk before he could even finish that statement. "From what I understand veterinarians are a type of doctor," Spock said to them before he headed out the door. "Shut up Spock!" McCoy shouted back as he, Kirk, and a few other crew members got them to the med bay. Current status of all of the side story characters: Key: Author name Character name SwimingDalek98 Swimming Dalek - Still locked inside his custom Dalek shell, which is currently chained, locked, and well... basically bolted to the wall of a specially made cell designed by both Dalek Aldebaran and Regulus somewhere on The Caesar. Progress of recovery from his Slenderpony induced insanity unknown. All the other Dalek's under his command - With The Caesar back online, all other Daleks have returned to their pre appointed duties with Dalek Antares in charge due to Swimming Dalek's..... condition. Registered Anonymous Registered Anonymous - Last seen carrying BRP in the med bay of The Enterprise. Current whereabouts unknown. Steve - Last seen with Registered Anonymous in the transporter room of The Enterprise. Current whereabouts unknown. Slim - Currently in Captain Kirk's private quarters making sweet, furious love to Jim. Jim - Currently in Captain Kirk's private quarters making sweet, furious love to Slim. Ramirez - Unknown Calvin - Unknown Tommy - Unknown Reginald/Dave - Unknown Janitor - Unknown Doc - Last seen stealing all of the porn off of The Enterprise's mainframes while nobody was paying attention to him (seriously, no one even acknowledged him while he was The Enterprise). Current whereabouts unknown. Gordon Freebrony Gordon Freebrony - Suffered a pretty vicious blow to the back of the head during the riot. Currently unconscious in The Enterprise's med bay. Kirk - Last seen talking with Scotty and Spock. Spock - Last seen with Kirk. McCoy - Currently in the Enterprise's med bay tending to BRP, Gordon Freebrony, and Zecora. Zecora - Passed out from shock due to suddenly being teleported onto a space ship with a bunch of aliens (Okay they're all humans but come on, they're aliens to her). Currently in The Enterprise's med bay. Presumably she'll be the first one to wake up. Rest of the Enterprise crew - Now that Kirk has returned, they are waiting on his orders. Otherwise they are just performing their normal duties. Grey Rebl Grey Rebl - Still in his office. Has yet to informed that The Caesar has been reactivated. Nana - Still in BRP's wrist computer with Hugh, which is currently on Bronze Statue's wrist (see Hugh's current status). Braeburn - Unknown, presumably dispersed with the rest of the ponies when Jason threw down the tear gas and ran off back to Sweet Apple Acres with Applejack. Little Strongheart - Unknown, presumably same as Braeburn and she met up with him again back at Sweet Apple Acres. All other ponies that work for the AIA - Still going about their daily duties. Broniesrponies2 BRP - Unconscious in The Enterprise's med bay. Out of the three characters there, he's probably the worst off, so it might take a little longer for him to fully heal. Hugh Jackman - Still in BRP's wrist computer, which was removed from him and put on Bronze Statue so that he could reactivate the ship. Is currently still on Bronze Statue's wrist while BRP is unconscious. Bronze Statue Bronze Statue - In the med bay sitting patiently while he waits for BRP to wake up. Is still wearing BRP's wrist computer while he's unconscious. -The Following Day- (Day 1) -Canterlot Palace- Perspective Shift: Princess Celestia You are princess Celestia, one half of the diarchy of the proud nation of Equestria and to many, a real live goddess. You have just heard about the.... horrible...... awful..... no words that you know can truly say just how bad it is, atrocity that has just occurred in the town of Ponyville just one day ago. Your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle, ran off as soon as she heard about it to see if her friends were okay, and you weren't about to stop her. In her position you would have done the same thing. This..... what happened...... Nothing like this has happened in Equestria for a long time, and as long as you have been ruler of this proud nation, you have done your absolute best to make sure that it has never happened. Despite that though.... you couldn't save her. Derpy Hooves. You've met her once before. You've never really spoken to her personally, but you've seen her on your occasional trips to Ponyville to visit Twilight Sparkle and her friends. She was somewhat famous around the town for her eyes, her cheerfulness, and her love of muffins. She wouldn't even know how to harm a fly, not unlike Fluttershy, she loved everything too much. However, despite that, she was branded a terrorist and executed publicly without a trial. You.... all of the pent up rage inside you right now..... It makes you..... just want to.... Raze the entire city to the ground and punish all those responsible by banishing them for several millennia into the sun. Not a lot of ponies know this, but what you did to Luna 1,000 years ago was kind. It's so far from what you are truly capable of that you are glad that nopony, not even Twilight Sparkle, knows what you and Luna are truly capable if you so wished, and how you wish to be right now. You could turn this whole world upside down, burn everything to cinders until the only things left to burn are cinders, but you are not like that. No, you are a fair goddess, and as wrathful as you can be, you know in your heart that it isn't the right thing to do. It would make you no better than the pony that did this to poor Derpy. No, you have to be better than them, like you know you are. And now, because you know that you are better than they are, here you sit, in your throne room, waiting for them. You summoned the pony you know who is responsible for this as soon as you heard that he got back, and you and him are going to have quite a lovely little..... INCINERATING.... chat..... Suddenly, your thoughts get pushed out of your head when the door to your throne room opens. You spaced out for a moment, so you weren't paying attention. It seems that he has arrived. The guards let him in, and right now he is walking down the red carpet right to your throne, where you are currently sitting. It doesn't take him long at all to reach you, and when he does, with all the grace and respect a pony in position should have, he bows before you. "You summoned me, your majesty," he says to you with..... is that pride in his voice? In front of you, is Risen Flagg. Recently elected senator of Canterlot, and the one who shot Derpy Hooves in the head. By you you have so much you want to say to him. What do you say to him? What do you ask him? What do you do? Bonus Story DaedaltheusXIV vs Browndog77 - A Game of Twits Authors note: This is just something that my good friends Daedaltheus and Browndog77 (the one who poisoned everyone in the last chapter) came up with, and when the proposed the idea to me I was like "Why the hell not" and let them do it. This isn't part of the story in any way, just something extra just for fun. So, for your entertainment, I present to you, A Game of Twits. Enjoy (Oh, and I only allowed this because I actually am good friends with both of these people, so don't go asking me if I will let you all do anything similar. So yeah...) Meanwhile in the Bunker that may or may not be apart of your imagination but is totally real... DXIV: (clutching his stomach) Medic, somebody call for a fucking medic. Red Medic: (walks into his office) Und vat can I do for you, commander? DXIV: You see, I have horrible cramps and my stomach feels as though it is on fire while I am simultaneously possessing a failing erection while I am horny and I consistently seeing a dancing green leprechaun. RM: What? DXIV: I've been drugged you ass-hat and need a cure. RM: Well (withdraws needle and takes a blood sample) it could some time to figure out an actual honest to goodness cure for this. DXIV: Just give me a fucking panacea. RM: Vhatever, commmander. (withdraws a pill bottle containing white pills) DXIV: (greedily swallows one and begins to feel some immediate relief from all of the symptoms - yes all of them. The panacea is a cure-all named so after the Greek goddess of health and is the rumored to be cure for all diseases and ailments. It is often associated as the byproduct produced by the philosopher's stone ) RM: Better? DXIV: Much. You are dismissed now. RM: Very well (leaves while leaving the vile of drawn blood on the desk) DXIV: Glados. Glados: Yes? DXIV: I want a full analysis of this concoction that I was drugged with at the diner. Glados: How do you know that it was there? DXIV: It is a public place and the local paper stated that there was an outbreak of food poisoning. Two and two makes four. Glados: So, that's it, analyze this and get back to you on the full details. DXIV: Show me the security tapes from the diner. Glados: What? DXIV: I know that you hacked into them because THIS FUCKING ORGANIZATION LIKES TO KEEP ME ON A TIGHT-ASS LEASH! Glados: You're mad about the summons. DXIV: Of fucking course! Glados: Fine. DXIV: (watches the tapes until he notices a dog shaped object pouring something from a thermos into the drinks and food for all patrons at the restaurant) So, it was him, that Brown-Dog. Glados: What should we do about him? DXIV: Figure out where he is and then... (smiles, just smiles) we're going to send him a little present. (Door thrusts open with Raindrops standing in the doorway as a woman enters the room) Raindrops: I tried to stop her but... Female figure: Daedaltheus you bloody asshole, what the hell is this news about you being called before the Council for crimes against RED. DXIV: Good to see you too. You know that at least one of those is made up (waves a hand dismissing Raindrops and Glados) and besides, I did it all in the name of the company. FF: You seem to figure that you work for them. DXIV: Please, without me, there would be no RED. FF: They'll hang you for this you crazy (slowly blushes as he embraces her) sadistic (DXIV leans in) heartless (DXIV kisses said woman and afterwards she just stands there blushing in silence) DXIV: Magnificent bastard. FF: You took the words right out of my mouth. DXIV: It must have been when I was kissing you. (leans back) You know, in the unlikely event that I could be dead after tomorrow's meeting, how about one last night of love. FF: Please if they try to kill you, I might have to make an exception and kill Bateman for you. DXIV: Why Miss Integra Fairbrooks Wingates Hellsing I do believe that I am in love. Integra: (presses a switch that causes all of the office windows to go pitch black) Show me. The Brown Dog materializes in the house he slept in the night before. It’s not his place, but he stayed there since the owners were out. And now there house is a wreck with In N Out wrappers and garbage everywhere. BD: Well that was fun, what say you we go to In N Out? Cortana: You’ve eaten nothing but In N Out for god knows how long, why don’t you eat something healthy? BD: You’re right, What-A-Burger it is! Cortana: (sighs and facepalms) one day your heart is gonna give out on you BD: It won’t if it knows what’s good for it. (Grabs his Laptop) OK, let’s go. Cortana: Wait BD: What? Cortana: You’re not going to set the place on fire? BD: (Rolls his eyes) I don’t burn everything you know, besides the owners of this place unknowingly housed me so I owe them. Cortana: Oh, so trashing their place, raiding their food supply and selling all their stuff on craigslist is OK, but burning the house down is goig too far? BD: Ya, that would be just plain rude Teleport to nearest What-A-Burger. They are open 24 hours, and it is the late night shift. The Brown Dog orders his food to the clearly stoned cashier BD: Yeah, I’ll take a number two with everything, add cheese and ketchup, and a Dr. Pepper to drink please. Cashier: ….(stares at the Brown Dog with Blood shot eyes in awe and confusion) BD: … Cashier: …Dude…are…are you a talking dog? BD: No Cashier: … BD: … Cashier: Oh…OK then man. That will be $7.53 The Brown Dog pays, gets his food and goes to a corner booth. He starts chowing down messily like the dog he is. Cortana: You’re a pig BD: Hey now, that’s just offensive to pigs Cortana: Whatever BD: Anyway, I’ve been thinking Cortana: You have? BD: Shut up, I’ve been thinking that even though that Diner burnt down under mysterious circumstances, which could’ve have really been anyone’s fault Cortana: (Rolls her eyes) BD: I really think we should cover our tracks Cortana: You think? BD: Hell ya, I don’t want to pay someone reparations for something that I may or may not have done. Cortana: Which you totally did BD: Shut up, and see if there was any surveillance footage. Cortana looks like she’s concentrating and pulls up some files. Cortana: Well it looks like the surveillance data survived your little pyro-mania, oh and look incriminating evidence. (Video of Brown Dog pouring Colon Blow Ex Machina into food) BD: I only see a handsome as hell dog, Who could be any dog, poisoning the air and food. I see no fire. (Video Shows Brown Dog laughing and throwing Molotov cocktails) Cortana: You were saying? BD: This still proves nothing Cortana: (Sarcastically) Of course it doesn’t. BD: (Drinks Dr. Pepper then belches loudly) Besides, I know just what to do (smiles) Cortana: Oh lord, there goes your scheming face again, and it’s covered in ketchup. BD: (Licks his face clean) Cortana: Still not better…so what’s your brilliant plan? BD: Cortana my dear, alter the footage to where that sexy beast on camera is instead replaced with someone I despise. Cortana: Michael Bay? BD: No he’s still imprisoned in my basement, but close…(smiles) Video Footage is altered to show Shia Labeouf poisoning the food and setting fires. Cortana: Done and done. BD: You sound proud Cortana: Hey I hate that little shit too. BD: Good girl Cortana: Now what? BD: We find some new lodgings. Cortana: (sigh) looking up houses in the area with tenants on vacation. BD: Don’t bother, there’s a nice little motel right there (Points to Motel across the street with a Black 1967 Chevy Impala in the parking lot) Cortana: Does that car belong to who I think it does? BD: Eyup, my favorite brother duo, let’s get a room right next them then go say hi Cortana: They might try to kill you BD: I know, it’ll be fun! Cortana: (Face Palm) BD: You keep doing that and you’re gonna short circuit. Meanwhile in the one bedroom apartment of a former major celebrity turned hack… Rip Van Winkle stands with her back to Shia LeBouf, who is presently sitting in a chair tied with industrial strength rope in intricate knots as Asuka Langley holds a baseball bat covered in blood. Asuka: You know, I’ve been practicing my tennis swing lately and doing a real simple exercise, Mr. Le-Bitch. Backhand! (smacks him with the bat) Forehand! (smacks him again) BACKHAND! FOREHAND! BACKHAND! FOREHAND! SB: I told you, I don’t know anything! Please stop hitting me! Rip: Look, ve have knowledge on gute authority zat you are ze one who burned down ze café. SB: It wasn’t me! Asuka: Show him the vial, Rip. (Rip van Winkle pulls out a vial filled with a bizarrely colored liquid) You poured this into the food at the Crossroads Café and poisoned our employer, the head of RED Division 42 and then proceeded to burn down the establishment! SB: Wait, did you say yesterday? Asuka: Yes. Rip: Yah. SB: I spent the entire day lamenting my life choices and marathoning Girls Gone Wild videos until I passed out in a pile of Cheetos. Asuka: (looks around the apartment and sees a large orange smudge on the carpet from Cheetos and a stack of DVDs sitting on the coffee table). Well, shit. Rip: Looks like ve have ze wrong person. Asuka: Hmm, but if it wasn’t him, then who? SB: Does that mean I am free to go? Rip: No. You are still a vile, horrid human being and should be punished. Asuka: Agreed. SB: WHAT?! Rip: Was sollten wir tun, um ihn? (what should we do to him) Asuka: Stellen Sie die Wohnung in Brand und beobachten aus dem Bürgersteig, wie es brennt auf den Boden. (Set the apartment on fire and watch from the sidewalk as it burns to the ground.) Rip: Das ist zu gut für ihn. (That's too good for him.) Asuka: (gets a sparkle in her eye) Ich habe eine Idee. ( I have an idea) turns him towards his flat screen TV and pulls up the YouTube application) And set it so that it marathons for about the next week and done. Congrats, you live but now you watch this instead of barely legal girls getting naked. Rip: Auf Wiedersehen! Asuka: Bye, fuckhead. SB: (screams like a little girl) Asuka: Well that was a bust. Rip: Yah, a total vaste of time. Asuka: I’m feeling rather hungry, want to catch a bite to eat. Rip: Sure. (gets into a 1960 Cadillac Coupe de Ville) There’s a new burger place down the street zat ve passed on ze vay in. Asuka: (gets into the convertible next to Rip, who is driving) Oh, you mean the Big Kahuna Burger about ten minutes back. Sounds good to me. - Five minutes later- Asuka and Rip sit down at a table, each one with a burger, fries and Seven Up sitting at a table underneath a small TV playing the local news but for now a commercial plays. A group of men and women wearing blue overalls carrying various tools turn to face the approaching camera. Group: We are Omni International. An elderly man cleaning him car: I am Omni International. A group of Japanese business men: Watashitachiha, omuniintānashonarudesu. A group of school children: We are Omni International! The commercial comes to an end as the screen goes black to reveal an actor sitting in a chair on the set of a television show. JA: Hi, I’m Jensen Ackles, you know me from the hit show Supernatural. Nearly twenty years ago, when the world’s economy collapsed, we faced utter destruction of our way of life. That was until Omni International Corporation’s CEO saved our hides. OIC is still hiring so do your part and continue to help repair the world. Announcer: Omni International Corporation – Building a better tomorrow through perseverance today. Asuka: That is the fifth time I have seen that damned thing today. Rip: (chewing on her burger) RED gave Daedaltheus a million dollars so he made a commercial for his company. Asuka: But they play OIC commercials all the damned time. Rip: Zey are ze 96 percent shareholder for the entire planet. Asuka: Don’t remind me. (finishing her meal) Rip: Und ve are no closer to finding our target. Asuka: Again, don’t remind me. We’ve been looking all damned day long. Rip: Ve might get a break. Asuka: Yeah like the news is going to do a story about a mad arsonist with an affinity for mixing chemical poisons. Announcer: Our top story: The search still continues for the mysterious arsonist who last week set fire to three apartment complexes, two schools, a statue of Cecil Baldwin, three cars and poisoned an entire supply of caramel ice scream. Asuka: Well fuck me. Rip: See, a break. Announcer: The only photo we have of the suspect is a dog wearing sunglasses though we believe that this woman wearing blue with bluish purple skin is the one actually perpetrating the crimes because as we all know, dogs have no thumbs. Rip: Ya but neither do ze ponies who wrap up ze vinter but ze still make it happen. Asuka: Damn straight. Announcer: We reached out to his only known associate, a man who lives in a cardboard box and claims to have been a spy during the Cold War for any leads on his whereabouts. Snake: I ain’t seen the dude since last June when we went to the In-and-Out Burger. Reporter: You mean the woman. Snake: Nah, that’s his chick, some lady called Cortana or some (bleep). He’s the dog, man, talking (bleep) dog. Reporter: And now onto the weather. Asuka: You thinking what I’m thinking, Rip? Rip: Time to go spy hunting. The two exit the restaurant and walk to the car, Rip starts it and turns on her MP3 player. Rip (singing along): Zhree months of vinter coolness und awesome holidays. Ve kept our hoofsies varm at home, time off from vork and play. Asuka: (hits next) Rip: Hey!