//------------------------------// // Guest Chapter: Many Bothans Died To Bring You This Chapter (The Ponytrician) // Story: Celestia Uses An Online Dating Website // by RainbowBob //------------------------------// Princess Celestia gazed over the top of her menu and past the twin tapers burning atop on the intimate table-for-two that separated her from the latest offering from that accursed website. She surreptitiously studied her partner for the evening, who was busy pouring over his own menu: a man with short, brush-backed dark hair, eyes with color that seemed to constantly evade being described, no beard (alas!), and wearing an odd one-piece uniform of black and red. The only adornment was four golden dots on the right collar, and a gold arrow-head-and-oval brooch on the left breast. "So, um, Mr Q?" she ventured, breaking the silence. "It is Mr Q, isn't it?" "Please, my dear, Princess Celestia," he replied in a tone that could best be described as pure, concentrated smarm. "Call me Q. However, seeing as this is a date and we should be on a first-name basis, you call can me Q. Don't call me Q, though; it'll just get confusing and quite frankly it's a little insulting—I'm nothing like that guy!" "Okay, then, Q—" "Q," Q corrected. "Right... Q. I can't help but feel that there's something very familiar about you." Celestia frowned slightly in concentration as she sipped at a glass of her favorite vintage. "Are you certain we haven't met before?" "Oh, you know how it is," Q dismissed her query with an expansive gesture that encompassed the interior of the exclusive Prench restaurant that was the scene of their date; the kind of place where the price of the meals was inversely proportional to the size of the servings. "Meddle with the entirety of creation for several billion years and you get to have one of those familiar faces." "It's not so much the face as the voice..." "You know what?" Q suddenly interrupted, throwing his menu over his shoulder. "This really isn't doing it for me." He looked around at the restaurant, with it's intimate tables, subtle lighting and decoration, impeccably dressed waitponies, and soothing chamber music coming from the discreetly concealed string quartet in a corner. "It's just so... cliché. We need something with a little more je ne sais quois!" Q raised his right hand and snapped his fingers. There was a bright flash of light, and Celestia suddenly found the classic Prench interior of the restaurant transformed into what could only be described as a tropical island. Palm trees swayed in the warm ocean breeze and seagulls circled lazily overhead, as waves gently swooshed their way up and down the beach. It might have actually been rather pleasant, though Celestia couldn't help but feel that the whole experience was somewhat diminished by the confused and startled reactions of the waitstaff and other restaurant patrons. That, and the annoyingly jaunty tune that had just been struck up by the Mariachi band further down the beach, drowning out the sounds of the string quartet. "Now that's more like it!" Q exclaimed. Celestia gazed down at her drink, only to discover that the glass of rather cheeky Marelot had been replaced by a large hollowed-out pineapple sprouting a small forest of tiny paper umbrellas, swirly straws, swizzle sticks, and chunks of fruit on toothpicks. She glanced inside the pineapple; something was swimming around inside it. It waved at her. She resisted the brief temptation to wave back. "Discord!" she hissed, raising her head from the fruit-drink to glare narrow-eyed at her date. "Joke's over, Discord. Now put everything back the way it was this instant!" Q blinked in surprise. "I'm afraid you have me at a loss, my dear Celestia—" "I know it's you, Discord! I knew I recognized that voice!" She jumped to her hooves, wings flared and head held high. "If you won't admit that it's you, I'll prove it!" Her horn sparkled with golden light, as her eyes glowed white with intense eldritch energy. There was a blinding flash rimmed with coruscating rainbow energy, and a rush of sound that drowned out all else. "—got hearts... as strong as horses; we've got heeeeeeeearts—" Discord, bedecked in a traditional Prench maid outfit, wielding a feather duster and a light fitting, paused mid-song. He placed claw and talon on his hips, and glared at Celestia. "Oh, come on now! This really is just too rude!" He raised the light fitting and glanced around. "Now where am I supposed to hang this lampshade?" Celestia's jaw sagged. Her eyes traveled back to Q, who was watching the proceedings with mild amusement. "I could have sworn..." she trailed off. "Discord, old chap," Q exclaimed with delight, "you haven't changed a bit!" "Q, you old rascal," Discord said, casting aside the duster and lampshade, both of which promptly exploded, "you haven't changed enough!" With a flash he appeared next to Q, sans maid outfit. The pair exchanged a complicated hand/claw-shake that made Celestia's head ache just to watch it. "...You two know each other?" Celestia rubbed a hoof at her temples, trying to quell the growing headache. "Know each other? Why, we went to college together!" Q explained. "We were even members of the same fraternity—Koppa Upsilon Epsilon." Q nudged Discord with an elbow. "Hey, remember Irritating Authority Figures 101 with ol' 'Lucy' Morning Star?" "Ahhh, yes. Good times." Q gestured at Celestia. "So, Discord, old buddy; how is that this fine lady is able to summon you at a whim?" "Oh, I had a bit of thing going on with Celly and her sister back in the day," Discord replied dismissively while swimming backstroke though the air "Her and her sister?" Q raised an eyebrow and looked at Celestia with renewed interest. "Nice!" Q offered a fist, which Discord obligingly bumped; a nearby restaurant table exploded in a shower of gummy bears clad in leather underwear. Celestia slumped back into her seat, head between her hooves. "This isn't happening. This is not happening. Dear sister, please let this be a nightmare. Feel free to come wake me anytime now!" "I had to break it off, though," continued Discord, "things started getting a bit awkward." "You conquered our land and tried to turn it into a realm of chaos," Celestia growled through clenched teeth. "We imprisoned you in stone for a thousand years!" "See? A guy's career just starts taking off and going places, and then all of a sudden they start getting clingy and possessive. By the way, that whole imprisoned in stone thing? Not as much fun as it sounds." Discord, hovering several feet off the sand, circled Q while examining him. "So, Q old boy, what brings you to Equestria. And what's with the fancy pajamas? They're so 23rd Century." Q straightened his unitard. "I heard that these pretty pony princess types went for guys in uniform, particularly Captains." He paused in thought for a moment. "However, I might be a couple of seasons behind the times on that." "Oooh, is this a date, then?" Discord made smooching faces at Celestia. "How positively delightful that you decided to invite me along..." He tapped a talon against his chin. "In fact, there's an idea." Discord raised a paw, thumb and fingers poised. "This date, and the fun, is about to be doubled." "Don't you dare..." *Snap!* *Flash!* "—ake it so, Number One." The speaker, a bald-headed man, shorter than Q and dressed in identical attire, halted at his sudden appearance on the beach and looked around. His eyes locked on Q. "I'm in the middle of something rather important, Q," he barked in an authoritative tone. "I demand that you return me at once!" Q raised both hands in mock surrender. "This is none of my doing, Jean-Luc!" He gestured towards Discord. "Why don't you ask your date?" Discord, now dressed in a red sequined slit-to-the-thigh cocktail dress, flowing blonde wig, and extremely well-padded bustier, sidled up to the man referred to as Jean-Luc and slipped an arm through the crook of his elbow. "Aren't you going to tell me how ravishing I look?" he simpered, fluttering false eyelashes and pouting ruby red lips. "Discord!" Celestia snapped. "This is between the three of us! Send, uh, Mr...?" "Jean-Luc Picard, Captain of the Starship Enterprise," Captain Picard said, disentangling himself from Discord and bowing to Celestia. "It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance, madame." His gaze traveled back and forth between Q and Discord. "Although, I wish it had been under more pleasant circumstances." "Princess Celestia, co-ruler of Equestria," Celestia said and bowed in return, "and likewise." She turned to Discord, who had turned his head into a hammer and was busy trying to nail two small restaurant tables together into a single piece of furniture. "Discord, stop acting like a tool and send Captain Picard home. NOW!" "Spoilsport," Discord sulked. "A pair of old sticks in the mud," Q agreed. "Discord..." "Fine." "Arrivederci, mon Capitan!" "Call me!" Discord waved. *Snap!* *Flash!* Once again, the island beach was deserted. Well, not counting the two dozen befuddled restaurant patrons, several waitponies busy sun-bathing, one extremely stressed-looking maître d trying to construct a boat from a large soup tureen and a tablecloth, and the Mariachi band and string quartet engaging in an impromptu battle of the bands-come-jam session; but theirs is another story. Q wrapped an arm each around Celestia and Discord. "So, just the three of us, once more. How about we blow this popsicle stand and go paint the town several interesting shades of plaid?" "No," Celestia shrugged out of Q's embrace. "Never. This is date is well and truly over. Don't bother contacting me, because there won't be a second one." She glared at Discord. "Especially if he's there." "See, Celestia," Discord remarked, "This is why we didn't work out. You've got to understand that sometimes a guy needs to spend some time hanging with his bro's!" There was splash as Celestia's pineapple beverage was up-ended over Discord's head. Spreading her wings, Celestia launched herself into the air and vanished in a flare of golden sunlight. Discord fished a paper umbrella out of one nostril and turned to Q. "Was it something I said?" "Luna, come pick me up." ... "Vanhoover. That exquisite little Prench restaurant just off the main street. You'll recognize it by the entire Marebbean Island chain, complete with ocean, on the inside. If that's not enough, just follow the sound of the dueling Mariachi band and string quartet." ... "No, not Discord. Worse than that—turns out he's one of Discord's old frat buddies." ... "Yes, I used the Discord summoning spell. Yes, I'm a freakin' idiot. You'd better swing by Ponyville and pick up Fluttershy on the way through; who knows what trouble those two will cause unchaperoned." ... "Look, I don't give a damn about your kill-streak! This is NOT up for discussion! You're going to come pick me up, then we're going home to watch rom-coms in our pajamas while eating ice cream and drinking booze until I throw up, pass out, or both!" ... "Why do I hear laughing in the background? Is somepony else... is that Deadpool?!" ... "What the heck is a 'camper-n00b pwning co-op session'? Ugh, look, y'know what? It doesn't matter. Just come get me, okay?" ... "Okay, fine. Whatever. But if he ends up wearing a frilly frou-frou nighty, with his hair up in mane-curlers while I paint his toenails different colors of the rainbow, he's not allowed to complain." ... "...What does he mean 'That is my fetish!'?!"