This Is SO Not Kansas

by ForsakenDraak66

The Day After

I sit up and yawn, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes. “I need to stop drinking,” I say to myself, trying to remember last night. Most of it is hazy, so I can only remember going to the bar with some friends. After that, it all gets fuzzy. I groan as I feel the hangover migraine pulse. I look around my room sleepily and irritable, the migraine combined with the fact that I’m not a morning person making me annoyed and angry with everything, and I level my glare with my alarm clock. I stare at the time on it. 12:37. I am not even a noon person it seems, and I just want to go back to sleep. Instead I throw the covers off of me and stand, my bones popping as I stretch. My answering machine is beeping as I shuffle into my living room. I click the play button as I make my way into the kitchen to make myself a cup of coffee. I hear the static as the message starts playing.

"Pierce, it's your mother, we just want to know if you will be joining us for dinner... last time... never..... I hope you....."

"What the fuck?" i say aloud, looking at my answering machine. I walk over to it and check it carefully. All the chords are plugged in right and everything looks to be undamaged. For some reason, there was a lot of static in that message.

"Next message." The electronic voice of the answering machine says. It starts to play static for about a minute before clicking off. Okay, that was definitely weird. I drop the machine while saying, " Yep. Gotta get a new one. Piece of shit." I pick my coffee cup up and move into my living room, grabbing the TV remote as I head to my recliner. I sit in it slowly, trying to make sure my coffee doesn't spill. I lean back and start to relax as i turn on my TV. Static comes on my TV, the noise making me jump and spilling some coffee on my crotch.

"Son of a bitch!" I set my cup down and stand up, going for the towel in the bathroom.

" God damn it. I pay almost two hundred fucking dollars so I can watch TV. The least those fucking morons can do is make sure my TV works!" I spout out angrily as i rub my crotch with the towel, trying to dry the coffee soaking into my pajama pants. Then I hear a loud knock at the door, kind of like a cop knock but more hesitant.

"Who is it?" I call, making my way out of the bathroom and to the front door. I open my door to bright sunlight hitting me in the eyes, blinding me, and a loud collection of gasps. As my eyes adjust to the horrible sunlight, I start to make out the shapes of the owners of the gasps. My eyes widen as i look at six bizarre colored ponies staring at me with equal amounts of shock, two have horns on their heads and another two have wings. I break the silence with the first thing that pops in my head.

"Well Toto, I have a feeling I'm not in Kansas anymore?" I’d like to say that I fainted after that but I didn’t. I stare at the ponies, they were too small to be horses, and I was stared at in return. That is, until the blue pony with a rainbow mane and wings opened her mouth and said, “Who’s Toto?”

My jaw drops and I stare at her in shock. “Did you just fucking talk?” I blurt out. Apparently the other ponies had started to regain their composure, because the white pony with a horn speaks up and says, “I’d like you to know we are civilized enough to talk, thank you. Now answer Rainbow Dash’s question, if you’d please.”

I shift my gaze from her slowly to this “Rainbow Dash”. I slowly point at her. Her eyes follow my finger up and then slowly move to my eyes. I gulp and try to smile. “You’re Toto. And this is SO not Kansas.” I let out a small hysteric laugh as I’m saying this.
“I’m not Toto, I’m Rainbow Dash, and what’s Kansas?” Rainbow Dash says, seeming to be getting over the shock of seeing me. The purple pony, or should I say unicorn because she had a horn just like the white pony, takes a small step forward and clears her throat.

I break my gaze from Rainbow Dash to this pony as she says, “I’m Twilight Sparkle. And this is Ponyville. What’s your name? And.. um.. if you don’t mind me asking.. what ARE you?” She says the last part with a curiosity that would make Curious George jealous.

I gulp again and slowly say, “I’m Pierce Collins. I’m a carpenter. And I’m a human. Where.. where am I?”

“I already told you, Ponyville. Spike!” The second part isn’t addressed to me but to a small pinkish purple dragon I hadn’t noticed yet. “Send a message to Princess Celestia telling her that we have a ‘Pierce Collins’ in Ponyville. Express the fact that he’s not a pony.” Spike the dragon nods and starts writing a- wait.. where did he get the paper from? Well, wherever he got it from, he finished the note quickly and set it aflame with his dragon breath. I stare at all of them before asking myself aloud, “Who put shit in my coffee?”

The pink pony jumps up and seems to stretch her neck up to put her face into mine. “Ohhh! What’s coffee?! Is it good?! Can I have some?! PLEASE!!!” I push her face gently away from mine as the white one speaks again.

“Yes, it is very rude of you to keep guests outside. I say I can use some of this “coffee” myself.” She finishes with her nose slightly raised. God, she seems snooty. I slowly step to the side and welcome them in with a quiet, “please.. do come in.”

They make their way in and I close the door behind them. Some of them take seats, but a pale yellow pony with pink hair and wings stands there nervously before saying softly, “Um.. excuse me..”

I look at the yellow pony and gently ask, “Yes?”

She gulps and looks around nervously. “Do you mind if I sit down on one of your chairs?” she whispers, almost to the point where I can’t hear her. I nod to my recliner. “Go ahead.” I move to the kitchen and start to pour coffee into two cups as the ponies study their surroundings.

“Ya got a prettay good place her’ Pierce. It’s cozy lookin’.” the orange pony with a cowboy hat says. I notice that she had what seemed like a tattoo of some apples on her flank. A quick look tells me they all have a tattoo of some sort.

I pick up both mugs and hand one to the white pony and start making my way towards the pink pony that seems to be bouncy while sitting still, but the snooty white pony gets my attention. “Um, Pierce. After sampling your ‘coffee’ I have to recommend against letting Pinkie Pie have some.”

Pinkie Pie appears, yes quite literally just fucking appears, in front of the white pony and starts whining, “Awe, come on Rarity! Let me have some! PLEEEAA-”

Pinkie Pie’s whining is cut off as a brilliant flash of sunlight lights up my living room. There, in the center, stands a massive horse with a larger horn than Twilight Sparkle and Rarity and a sort of living hair with what seems like stars in it. She has on a crown and is looking dead at me. I stare at her before formulating a response to her entrance into my home.

“Sooo, you must be Princess Celestia. Want some coffee?”