Dashie: Twenty Percent Cooler

by Kieva Lynn

Twelve

Equestria, Canterlot Castle. Brian Dashell awoke to the blinding morning sunlight streaming through the windows of his guest room and directly onto his face. With a grimace, he shielded his face and rose, turning his back to the window and trying to blink the spots out of his vision. When he was finally able to see, Brian looked around the room, marveling again that the single chamber was larger than his entire home in Port Timbrey had been.

The next thing Brian noted was a small cloud hovering above the balcony, just outside the doors. A rainbow-colored tail hung down over the far edge, and he could just hear the sound of snoring coming from the top side of the cloud. Chuckling, Brian stood and walked over to the balcony doors, opening them and stepping outside next to the cloud. It was hovering just below his eye level, and his daughter was laying atop of it, sprawled on her back, mane tousled, mouth open, sleeping very soundly. Brian smiled at the sight; it was identical to how she had usually ended up sleeping in her bed on Earth.

“Dashie... Dashie wake up.” Brian whispered, shaking her gently.

“Who what!?” Dash shot up off of the cloud several feet. “Oh, g'morning Pop. It can't be time to get up yet can it?” She yawned deeply.

“Afraid so. I know the Princess wanted to talk with all of us today. And I dunno about you, but I'm starving, I'd like to get breakfast first.”

Dash dropped down and dispersed the cloud before landing on the balcony. “Yeah, makes sense.”

“So where does one find breakfast in a royal castle?”

“C'mon, lets get the others. I'll show you the way to the dining room.”

Miri's room was across the hall from Brian's. Thomas and Sara were next to her, and Solomon across from them. Soon everyone was up and ready to go. Rainbow Dash led the way along the hall, down three floors, and along another hallway to the guest kitchen. They found Twilight Sparkle already there, busily reading a report while waiting for her meal.

“Twi! Is Pinkie back yet?” Dash asked.

Settting the papers down, Twilight gave her friend a worried look. “No. I'm starting to be concerned. I mean, I know that she can apparently go back and forth on her own, so it's not like it should be possible for her to get trapped there... But why isn't she here yet?”

“It's Pinkie.” Rainbow said. “Who knows how her logic works?”

“Logic?” Twilight snorted. “This is Pinkie Pie. Reason, logic, the very laws of physics flee from her presence in total abject terror.” She looked up at the humans. “Oh, where are my manners? Please, join me.”

As everyone was taking seats a waiter appeared with Twilight's breakfast. He served her, then took orders from everyone else. Once he had gone, Thomas eyed Twilight's plate. Hash browns with chopped daisy petals, green and red peppers with hay, and... “Eggs!?” Thomas exclaimed.

“Yeah, so?”

“So... That's kinda close to meat... Aren't horses and ponies, like, herbivores?”

“Not quite.” Rainbow explained to him, “We don't eat nearly as much meat as the average human, but we're not totally vegetarian. Heck, even normal dumb horses on Earth will eat meat if you offer it to them.”

“But...”

Solomon laughed. “Actually, this is one thing that doesn't surprise me. These are intelligent, sapient beings. There's a lot of theorizing that anything that reaches human-level intelligence is going to have to be at least omnivorous if not carnivorous.”

Twilight nodded. “Simply put, to grow a large brain you need stimulation to the brain; a reason to justify it getting bigger, since big brains are hideously energy-intensive. And pure herbivores don't get that. They eat food that just sits there, doesn't run, doesn't hide, doesn't fight back...”

“My brain hurts.” Thomas muttered. Sara patted him on the back consolingly. “At least tell me you don't get meat from things that are sentient.”

Twilight looked horrified. “Of course not!” She exclaimed. “Most of our animal protein doesn't involve hurting anything: it's eggs and dairy products. The meat we do eat is primarily fish, occasionally a little poultry...”

“So what did the Princess want to discuss with us?” Brian asked.

Twilight frowned. “I'm not entirely sure. She said something about mysteries that need answers though...”

“She's right. I don't know what question she has in mind herself of course, but I've got a few of my own.”

Well, let's hope we can work together to work out some answers...”

XXXXXXX

Shortly after breakfast, Twilight and Dash led their guests to the main gates of the castle where they met up with Applejack, Rarity, Fluttershy and Spike, who had all just arrived in the city via railway. Brian and Solomon, familiar with the show but not the recipients of Dash's revelation of Spike's age to Miri, were shocked to see him as a five foot-tall teenager. Dash chuckled at this, and promised to explain later.

The group was then led by guards to the throne room, where they found Celestia and Luna waiting. “Greetings, once again.” The sun princess said, “And allow me to introduce my sister Luna as well.” Luna nodded in greeting, then Celestia continued “Let us begin, for we have much to discuss.”

“If I may ask Princess, what exactly is it that concerns you?” Twilight asked.

Celestia said “There are too many things about recent events that simply don't add up. To begin: We assumed that the portal Rainbow Dash fell into was a result of the mixing of Pegasus and Unicorn magics, correct?” The element-bearers nodded. “Well, I've spent a great deal of time researching the nature of magical interactions and I can say with certainty that there is no possible way for those two types of magics to interact in that way.”

“But that don't make no sense.” Applejack objected. “We all saw it happen.”

“I know. Nevertheless something else must have interfered in what was occurring.”

Luna said, “And there is more. Regardless of what caused the portal to open, de-aging should not have been a result of passing through it. Rainbow Dash should have arrived on Earth as an adult. And then, of course, there is the issue of the extreme unlikelihood of which world the portal took Rainbow to.”

“Exactly.” Celestia agreed. “There is more to reality than just Earth and Equis. Millions, billions, possibly infinite realities. And yet, we are supposed to believe that a random portal just so happens, by pure coincidence, to take Rainbow Dash to the one precise world I have prior experience with?”

Twilight's eyes went wide with understanding, and she quickly worked through the numbers in her head. “Princess, I don't think there's enough chance in existence to account for numbers like that.”

“Indeed.”

Solomon raised a hand and asked “Are you sure that chance applies to this last question? You just said that you have been to Earth before... Couldn't the portal that Rainbow Dash fell through have been drawn to Earth since you had made portals to Earth on your own before?”

Smiling, Celestia answered “An excellent question. While I am not prepared to categorically deny the possibility, it is extraordinarily unlikely.”

Brian asked “May I say something?”

The Princesses nodded. “Of course. Have you ideas that would answer these mysteries?”

“No... No, what I have is even more mysteries. See, when I found Dashie she wasn't just out in the open. She was asleep inside a big cardboard box. And I don't think that she fell in, or was dropped out of the portal directly into it. I think someone purposefully put her there, because when I first walked up to the box, I saw where someone had written the words 'Give to good home' on the side.”

“Somepony... Sorry, some one, abandoned a poor helpless filly?” Rarity exclaimed. “How horrid!”

“Sounds like it's lucky for Dash that you came along.” Applejack added.

“Lucky, or maybe not. See, that's another thing... When I found Dash, I wasn't living where I live now. I was in a city called Port Timbrey. Now, back then the city was in terrible shape. Trash and junk everywhere... When I walked to or from work, I probably passed a hundred empty cardboard boxes a day. Never paid them any mind. But when I saw that box... Even before I knew who was in it, even before I was close enough to read the writing on the side... I felt drawn to it. I just had to see what was in that box. It was unlike any feeling I'd ever had before or ever felt since.”

“That sounds like the effects of a 'Look at me!' spell.” Twilight mused.

“Yes, it does.” Celestia agreed. “But if so then it was not a human that put Rainbow in the box, for humans do not have magic.”

Four ponies and a dragon gasped. “No magic? At all?” Rarity asked.

“Well, I guess the underlying power must exist on Earth or unicorn's magic wouldn't work when you go there.” Miri said. “But no, we don't have any of our own, and it's considered a myth.”

Sara said “Speaking of that, there are no unicorns or pegasi on Earth, yet we have myths about both species.”

“As well as myths about dragons, manticores, minotaurs, sea-serpents...” Solomon said, “But none of the actual beings, and no indications that they ever existed.”

“And there are old myths of humans here.” Fluttershy whispered.

Celestia said “The first and last of those could be my doing. Earth tales of unicorns and pegasi could have come from distorted memories of me. And, I mentioned humans a few times here. But the others... I can't seem to recall ever telling humans about the other creatures of our world.”

“Another mystery then.” Luna said. “Are there any others?”

“Well... There is one other thing...” Brian cautiously began, “But I'm not sure how to broach the subject...”

“It's okay Pops. They need to know, I'll tell them.” Rainbow said. She looked at her leaders and friends and said “On Earth, there's an invention called television. It's like radio, except that it also transmits moving images like you would see in a theater. People can watch films at home...”

“Oh wow! I've got to see one!” Twilight enthused.

“Yeah, you'd like it. They don't just show movies from theaters. There are also shorter films made just for television, including series that have a new episode every week. Most are live action, but there are also cartoons...” Dash paused to see if everypony was still following her explanation. When she saw that they were, she continued. “One of the cartoon series, from a few years ago Earth-time, was called 'Friendship is Magic.' It's um, well... It's about us. The six element bearers. It starts with Twilight being sent to Ponyville and continues from there. Nightmare Moon, Discord, Sombra, Chrysalis... It covered them all and a lot more, not perfectly, but pretty bucking close.”

Two princesses, three element-bearers, and a dragon stared at Rainbow Dash in shock. “You can't be serious.” Spike said.

“Oh she is.” Applejack said. “Honesty element always sees the lies. She's tellin' the truth.”

“So... humans all over the Earth might be watching us right now!?” Eep!!!!!” Fluttershy dived under Twilight's belly to hide.

“Don't worry little one.” Solomon whispered. “The show's been over for years now. And in any event it was a cartoon, not actual video footage of you.”

“Oh... Well, that's good then...” Fluttershy said, slowly coming out of hiding.

“But how is this possible?” Celestia asked.

“I'm sorry Princess.” Brian said. “I don't know. The only thing I can tell you is that everyone who watched the show just thought it was fiction... And, I should admit for the sake of honesty... I was one of those watchers, I liked the show, I... I knew who Dashie was the moment I laid eyes on her.”

“Could that be another mystery?” Miri asked. “That the human who was drawn to find Dash was a human who knew and liked the show?”

“The adult fan base, though large, is a small enough percentage of the total population to make it unlikely one of us would have been the one by pure chance.” Brian agreed.

“Riddles inside mysteries inside enigmas.” Solomon muttered.

Twilight smiled. “I like that.” Her smile turned to a frown. “Too bad we can't see this program. There might be clues in it.”

Miri gasped. “Hey, I can help with that, I've got a couple episodes on my phone!”

“Phone?”

“Telephone. An Earth communications device.” Celestia explained. “Though I fail to see how one can have a film on it, or what good it would do us here.”

“How long has it been since you went to Earth Princess?”

“Not including retrieving Rainbow Dash? Sixty years Earth time.”

“Well, prepare to be amazed with how much this technology has advanced.” Miri grinned and pulled out her smart phone. “Wireless, works anywhere, at least on Earth. And it's not just a phone, it's a camera, a camcorder, a computer, a television...”

“Yeah, these things are awesome.” Dash agreed.

Dragon and ponies leaned in close, marveling at the tiny device. “Impressive.” Luna whispered. “But we would have to be uncomfortably close to observe. Everypony step back.” They did, and the night princess cast a spell that created a large hovering image of the phone's screen in the air above them. “There. Now we may watch in comfort.”

“Cool...” Miri whispered. She shook her head. “Anyway, this episode is called 'Boast Busters.' It's about Trixie's first stop in Ponyville.” She started the phone's playback...