//------------------------------// // Lancie Belongs In a Museum // Story: Appledashery // by Just Essay //------------------------------// “There's something about a swift morning flight while it's crispy and dewy out and the sun's still rising up that makes someone feel... alive, don'tcha think?” “Mfffnngh...” Rainbow Dash mfffnngh'd. “Well?” Lancie slinked forward, leaning against her fuzzy blue neck. “Don'tcha?” “I'd feel more alive if I didn't have to hear you rambling about stupid things every other second,” she grumbled. “Oh please!” He rolled until he was lying back-to-back with her shoulders, reclining and examining his granite paw. “I make this long journey entertaining.” “Do you, now?” “I'm like the in-flight movie. 'Trotter Island' by Maretin Scorcese. Spoiler alert: he never trots off the island!” “What would a serpent turd like you know about flight?” “I'll have you know that I've got wings!” he uttered, fluttering the mismatched stone appendages. “Yeah. I saw them.” “Not impressed?” “Is there a word in the dictionary that's the opposite of 'wow'd?” “No, but there's an appropriate saying from when I grew up as a young handsome devil.” “Oh yeah?” “Yes, it's called 'being an Enormous Richard.'” “Just how old are you, anyways?” “Oh, y'know... I'm slightly over the hill.” “Over the hill...?” “But I like to think of it as being ten thousand years young.” “Heh...” Rainbow Dash smirked bitterly into the breezy winds as she skirted stony plains. “Unbelievable...” “What? So maybe I lied in order to cut off a few hundred years from my state ID.” “How do you expect me to believe any word that you say?” “Oh, jee, I dunno...” He glanced back at her with squinty eyes. “Perhaps because of the show of good faith?” “What friggin' show of good faith?” “Saving your marefriend's grandmamamamamamama from the falling barnmamamamama...?” “I still have no proof that was actually you.” Rainbow sighed, her nostrils flaring. “And she's not my marefriend,” she mumbled. “Why not? You certainly act like she is!” “She isn't.” Rainbow Dash's eyes fell to the landscape rolling below. “And I doubt she'll ever be.” “Oh?” “She isn't even into mares.” “Is that the reason for your whole tomcolt schtick?” “Feh.” Lancie crawled up and perched between her flickering ears. “You know, if your only kick in life is punishing yourself, maybe you should consider moving to Griffon Country for a spell. I hear leather is legal there... not to mention hoofcuffs.” “Stop trying so hard to be funny,” Rainbow snorted. “It hurts.” “And you would know, wouldn't you?” He smirked. “Eunnnngh...” “At least tell me this, if you please.” Lancie gripped her ears and tilted his head upside-down before her big ruby eyes. “If everything works out, and you help me, and—as a show of gentlemanly virtue—I bless this mare in every conceivable way possible, then how is it that you benefit?” “Because I'll know that she's happy.” “And yet you'd not be?” “That doesn't friggin' matter.” “Why not? After all, the more the mare-ier. Ha! You get it? Now don't tell me that hurt!” “Shut up!” Rainbow hissed. “What? Can't you at least give me a little something to suckle on—?” “No, I mean can it!” Rainbow gripped his snout in the crook of her hooves and dropped straight down with coiled wings. She fell like an anvil to the ground, only flapping her feathers to prevent from being pulverized by gravity at the last second. Hovering, she touched down behind a crest of dirty earth. Shoving Lancie back into her saddlebag, she crept forward, using the chunks of rock and boulders to hide her approach. At last, she slid up to the ridge's edge, folding her ears back as she peaked over the line of rock. “What?” Lancie craned his stone neck to see. “What is it?” “Tell me...” Rainbow Dash gulped. “Are you feeling your shard is close by?” “Now that you mention it...” He scratched his scalp between his horn and antler and nodded. “Yes. It's practically underhoof.” Rainbow sighed. “I was afraid of that.” Lancie crawled up her mane and took a peak himself. Over the ridge's edge, he spotted a deep ditch—a quarry, really—and it was filled to the brim with bipedal canines pushing carts full of rubies, shouting at one another, and whipping enslaved creatures with leather straps. Smoke billowed out of one of several holes leading into deep tunnels. In the far corner, numerous quasi-sentient mutts laughed, drooled, and fought over scraps of bone. “Euuugh...” Lancie grimaced, then smirked. “Whelp, this is gonna smell.” He winked aside at the pegasus. “Good thing you showered this morning, Sparky.” “Diamond Dogs...” Rainbow Dash turned around to glare at nopony in particular. “I hate these guys.”