Chapter 8: Best job ever- the complication
"This is... beautiful!" Cloud Chaser teared up at the view before her. She rarely cried, but this time was justified.
"Yeah, I have to admit," Flitter nodded to her fillyfriend "I wasn't expecting much, but its so... big!"
"Care to say," Soarin added, eying Flitter "that this is the biggest you've ever seen?"
"I dunno," she scratched her head, blushing a little "I can't really compare, but I guess?"
"Like I told you before, I never let ladies down."
"Meh, I've seen bigger," Blueblood hoofwaved. Three pairs of eyes, two mares, one stallion, all pegasi, glared at him.
"There's just no pleasing you, is there?" Cloud Chaser asked, shaking her head.
"That's what I get from living in Canterlot. You see things that normal citizens can only dream about."
"Well we, THE NORMAL citizens," Flitter interjected "are more than satisfied by what we got here."
"Words to live by," Soarin happily nodded "it might not be as big as yours, but at least it's mine... though I won't mind sharing."
"Don't mind if we do!" Cloud Chaser smiled brightly, also bringing her fillyfriend closer with her. Even if Flitter was reluctant, she couldn't deny that she was glad in the end it ended like that.
"And I got something for you too, Blue."
"No, that won't be necessary."
"Come on, I insist. We're basically bros now, after what we went through!" he ended it with a wink. Even without mentioning the whole Summer Sun Celebration fiasco, there was still the support he provided during last several weeks. To think that the same stallion was once one of the meanest and rudest pony he knew. To be fair, he still was, but he had good moments that outshined any evil he has ever done.
"No thanks. But if you insist, give my share to your lovely secretary. She has to endure you each day, she deserves a raise."
"I approve of this idea!" Cloud Chaser perked up, he wings fully extended from excitement.
"I second that idea!" Flitter likewise supported her fillyfriend.
Soarin scratched his head, but couldn't really say no when pressured by his two sexy roommates.
"Well then lades, I guess you'll be getting a bit more of my--"
SMACK!
He was interrupted by the door suddenly opening with a loud thud. In the frame, they noticed a familiar, blue maned, white unicorn, though now more red than usual, almost at the boiling point, charging in.
"STOP THIS DEBAUCHERY. RIGHT! NOW!" Shining Armor screamed his way into the room, filled with... four ponies sitting around a table, doing nothing out of the ordinary, unless inspecting a large pile of golden bits was a crime. Which it wasn't, unless they made it via illegal means, Which they didn't.
"Stop the what now?" asked Cloud Chaser, raising an eyebrow, looking questionably at her company, all of them shrugged.
"What did you think we were doing?" asked Prince, glaring at the ever blushing Shining Armor.
"I-I-I, b-but, I t-thought..."
"You thought what?" asked Flitter "That we... with him... them?"
"W-well..."
"Pervert." Cloud Chaser quickly noted and everypony else nodded at her. Meanwhile, Shiny grew an even larger blush, amusing the group to no ends.
"And even if we were," Prince interjected "who gave you permission to control who, how or when we do it anyway?"
"I-I didn't..."
"Exactly!" Flitter nodded "I'm not going to ask for anyponys permission if we ever feel like having a foursome!" at the sound of that, Soarins wings perked up and he grew a smile. Flitter noticed that and rolled her eyes "Which will be never!" Soarins wings deflated, slightly.
"Prude!" Cloud Chaser snorted, ending the shame-a-thon.
That was all the unicorn ex-guard could take. His natural white coat was replaced by ashamed, fiery red, while he tried but failed to glue together a comprehensive word, let alone the whole sentence. Finally, he couldn't take it anymore, screamed and ran away, violently shutting the door behind him, probably running towards the streets of Ponyville in tears. Thankfully, it was already late evening, so there weren't many ponies on the streets to witness the humiliation.
"Wow," Flitter blinked "you guys were right, this is too easy!" she snorted.
"I dunno, I feel a little bad," said Cloud Chaser "didn't we go too far?"
Blueblood shook his head "He walked right into it. It's moments like these why he's stuck with me, instead of getting a promotion."
Everypony nodded. The story of 'Princess Puncher' already managed to spread out through Ponyville. But instead of condemning him for the rest of his life, it was just another hilarious moment that helped him get accepted into society. If anything, living in Ponyville was probably supposed to teach Shining Armor a few lessons of common sense, which he dearly lacked, unless we're talking about emergency situations, like evil alicorn Princess of the night trying to enslave the world. Which happens about once every one thousand years.
Ponyville was a small, but versatile town, where everypony had at least one story to tell. And having the entire city learn about it was the first step to becoming a true part of it. Whether you want to share this story is a different thing. Soarin still had no idea what some of his friends stories were, most notably Doctor. Then again, he didn't need to know, at least not yet.
Either way, with Shining Armor gone, they went back to their previous business, which was, of course, accounting. They gathered all their profits on the table (after all, their clients paid in bits, because apparently checks and banknotes were so last year or something) and counting every single bit, double and triple checking the full amount. Several giant stacks of bits on the table looked impressive, to say the least. Then came the cutting part. Several stacks were separated from it. First up, was the promised 5% for Sunny Rays for her service. Then came the salary of his best and only secretary, her bonus, rent, later the expenses, like covering for broken window and door.
"Come to think of it, I still don't know what happened." Flitter noted, glaring the now sweating Soarin. Thankfully, he had backup this time in form of, who else, his usual life saver.
"Cutie mark crusaders!" Cloud Chaser quickly explained, smiling sheepish.
"Figures..." Flitter rolled her eyes "One of these days I need to have a few words with Applejack, Rarity and... whoever takes care of that orange filly. Really, those three should be held on a leash, for the good of the ponykind." she shook her head and went back to the bits pile, giving her roommates time to wipe the sweat from their foreheads and subtly bump hooves in celebration of a successful lie.
Prince Blueblood shook his head with disapproval. He leaned over to Soarin and whispered.
"At least you're not Element of Honesty."
"Shut up."
After all the splitting was done, Soarin looked at his stack. It wasn't exactly a fortune. He made a bunch more from his career as a Wonderbolt, lackluster as it was. This was even less than a single fashion show, although much more relaxed all things considered. He'll take seven crazy, clingy, average looking mares over another day with that so called fashion photographer from back then. That was yet another pony on the 'Misc. reasons no to'.
"Well, that settles it for this month, I guess." said Flitter, as she grabbed a pile dedicated for the rent and put it in a small purse. Soarin couldn't help but notice that this wasn't a face of somepony who just had her problems solved.
"Okay, so I paid the rent for entire month in first week and gave Cloud Chaser a stable and well paid job, what exactly does it take to make you happy? You're not still annoyed about the whole 'convert half the house into office' thing, are you?"
"No, it's not that," Flitter shook her head "I would probably rent it anyway."
"Then what's the problem?"
"I don't have any problems. Where did you even get that idea from?"
The conversation stopped. The dreadful, awkward silence once again fell on the four ponies gathered at the table. Soarin could tell that Flitter was having doubts. He saw that face many times and it never stopped him. His roommate was a tougher nut to crack than he was used to, due to the whole 'gay and committed in a stable relationship' thing she had going for her. It took a few seconds more of staring right at her for the hard shell to break.
"Honestly? I'm having doubts about this whole business of yours," she scratched her head and continued "I'm glad that you have a well paid job and I couldn't be happier that Cloudy finally found something..."
"But...?" Prince asked, notioning her to continue.
"But I don't see this working in a long-run. What happens once the hype wears out?"
"That's 'if' it wears out."
"What I'm trying to say, is that this seems like a passing fad that'll go away eventually. You all treat it like it's a lifetime investment, but can you really keep the clients coming? Is every week going to be this good? I wish you all the best, but I'm being a realist here."
Soarin couldn't answer that. Back when they were still in planning phase, they spent a lot of time figuring out what their long term strategy was going to be. Sunny warned him about the possibility of a great start and great fall that she's seen happen to her previous clients. The truth was, that this sort of business was a giant unknown. There were other companies like him before, but as a whole, professional matchmakers and consultations was a fairly new trend, there was no telling if it even catches on or will it die soon, like disco and puffy wigs.
"D'awww, so you do care about him!" Cloud Chaser cooed, then brought herself to her fillyfriend and hugged her tightly. Flitter covered herself in blush, but not because of Cloud Chasers affection.
"D-don't be silly! The only things I care about is you and rent. Definitely not him! Not now, not ever!"
Blueblood and Soarin exchanged glances, chuckling. Flitter coughed and lifted herself from the chair, still blushing.
"Anyway, the deal is still on. Pay the rent and don't make any troubles, then we'll be fine. Now if you excuse me, I have a night shift to prepare for." she went only a few steps away before Soarin stopped her mid track.
"What do I have to do to make you love me?" he casually asked. Flitter stopped and answered just as casually.
"Die. Then be born as a different pony. Preferably female. Then we'll talk." and so she was gone, with Cloud Chaser coming after a moment later, still giggling.
That only left the two stallions by the table. Prince was busy arranging and packing the bits into several smaller bags, while Soarin looked at the corridor where Flitter disappeared. He thought for a moment before turning to his friend.
"You're a good mage, right Blue?"
"So I heard. Why?"
"Do you happen to know a spell that could change gen--"
"Don't!"
Weekend passed very quickly, if not exactly lazily. If it was any consolation, accounting, filling forms and 'I have no idea what I'm even doing' was supposed to be easier as the time passed on. He considered himself lucky to even have Blueblood at his hoof, so at least one pony knew what he was doing. He dreaded future, when everything would be up to himself (and Cloud Chaser) to figure out. Once that was over, he still had some time to hit the bar to wingman on of his clients, then come back home, exhausted. He was no stranger to being tired or barely alive, for obvious reasons mentioned many time before. But this time, it was different. Every time he fell on his bed, right before shutting his eyes and going into the dream world full of dragons, swimming pools and top hats (don't ask), he allowed himself to sigh with satisfaction. All of those ponies, young and old, mares and stallions, were now living a better, happier life, all thanks to him.
"Life is indeed ama--..." he yawned, before shutting his eyes and going to sleep.
"...oss? Boss? You awake?"
"--ZING! I'm awake!" Soarin suddenly jumped up from his... desk? He looked at his surroundings, fully realizing that instead of his own bed, he was now sitting on the chair in his office, with worried Cloud Chaser standing right next to him.
"Soarin, are you okay?" she asked, concerned. Soarin wiped his eyes slowly.
"It's okay, I just dozed off, nothing serious."
"Awww, poor baby!" Cloud Chaser walked right behind him and put her hooves on his arms, then started slowly massaging them "You work way too hard! Here, lemme help a bit!"
Bliss, was all he could use to describe his current feeling. He never knew Cloud Chaser was this skilled a masseur, but he didn't dare raise a suspicion, not at a glorious moment like that. Only one thing could make this even better...
"Hey, I brought that whipped cream for your pie!" said Flitter, entering the room with a can she energetically shook in her hoof.
"But we don't have any pie." noted Soarin, looking around the place for any pie, finding none. At the sound of news Flitter shrugged.
"Oh well, I guess I'll use it on myself then!" then she sprayed herself, from face, down her belly and even lower, then she slowly walked towards the desk and climbed over it, leaving the stains of cream everywhere, never once losing eye contact with Soarin, while Cloud Chaser stopped with the subtle massages and leaned herself closer, nuzzling the side of his face. Soarin covered himself in blush, and while smiling, he couldn't help but raise an eyebrow.
"Umm, I'm not saying no, but it's not my birthday, so... why?"
Flitter took it to herself to explain, while Cloud Chasers mouth was busy playing with his ear.
"Because you're a gem and we never told you how much we love you and wish you stayed with us for-e-ver!" she closed her face and kissed him tenderly. Once she stopped and moved her face away a little, it took Soarin a few seconds to shake the stupid grin from his face.
Then Pinkie Pie jumped through the window, smashing it in the process, receiving no body harm at all.
"Hiya everypony, I brought the pie you needed the whipped cream for!" she happily announced, looking unabashed at the following scene, which didn't stop or slow down regardless.
"We don't need it anymore," Flitter turned to Pinkie "wanna join us?"
Pinkie Pie's smile grew "I sure do!" she threw away the pie and hopped towards the desk as well.
"Three mares at once? I must be dreaming!" said Soarin, fully accepting the generous offer.
"Don't you mean four?" Pinkie asked. Soarin gasped and frantically looked around the room for one more, but saw nopony
"Where? Who?"
"YOU,silly!"
HE raised HIS eyebrow then turned towards a giant mirror, which was never there before, only to notice a rather hot, light blue pegasi with long, messy navy blue hair, with Cloud Chaser still nibbling her ear while Flitter was messing her desk with belly full of whipped cream.
Soarin sighed.
"Should've known, I AM dreaming..." even her voice sounded female. She shrugged "...oh well, I'm not complaining!" she smiled and stretched her arms, trying to reach out for all three of them, untilBEEPBEEPEBEEPBEEP
BEEP!BEEP!BEEP!BEEP!BEEP!BEEP!BEEP-SMACK!
Soarin opened HIS eyes lazily as they tried to close again and get him back to a better world again, but he couldn't, as his aching hoof sent shivers through his nerves. He slowly raised his hoof towards his face, blocking the light reflecting from the windows, as few small screws and some plastic fell from it and landed on his muzzle. He turned his head and groaned, realizing he'd need another alarm clock. Still somewhere between sleeping and awake, he mumbled a few incomprehensible words (somepony could swear he said 'why Pinkie, of all ponies?'), before saying something he never thought he'll hear himself say, not in million years.
"I need to get laid..."
The following day, after a (cold) shower, breakfast and getting treated poorly by Flitter despite only wanting her platonic love, his workday went fairly relaxed for once. Seemed like the hype train did indeed slowed down a little bit, but he still had clients, which was quite satisfying. The rest of the day went lazily and him and Cloud Chaser had to find something to pass the time. It involved a lot of interaction between the two... and sadly, it wasn't banging.
"I summon Banana Ape in attack position!" Cloud Chaser put a card on the table with great conviction.
"Ha ha, you fell for my Pit trap!" he laughed, as he flipped the face down card that he had there for a while now. Surprisingly, Cloud Chaser's conviction didn't falter.
"Which I knew you had, so I summoned a meatshield to waste it on!" she pulled another card from her hoof and placed it on the table "As a second action, I summon Melon Ape! Which combined with my Grape Ape, they become unblockable!"
"Curse your fruit salad primates!" he threw his cards at the table and officially admitted defeat, while Cloud Chaser smiled at her victory in a game that wasn't in print for years and one that Flitter didn't want to play. She was lucky she was perfect in every other way, otherwise Cloud Chaser would've started wondering why they're together still.
And it was a good thing the match was over, because right at that moment, the door opened and another client entered. And he was a familiar one at that, they had no problem recognizing one of the last eligible bachelors in Ponyville outside Soarins circle of friends.
"Hey Caramel," Soarin waved towards the light brown coated earth pony "how's the date gone?"
Caramel opened his mouth, but closed it shortly afterward. His eyes twitched, along with the rest of his body, before he exploded in a flood of tears. All smiles on Soarins and Cloud Chaser's faces were gone.
"Oh buck..."
Five minutes later, after an unhealthy dose of hot chocolate and emergency apple pie they had in fridge, Caramel finally regained enough composure to regain his ability to talk. The first date has gone fantastically, they both had a great deal of fun watching a movie, then eating a nice, quiet dinner at the restaurant, talking about the movie, then their respective jobs, then the latest Wonderbolt Derby, after which they gone on another date, which had a similar, positive results. The third date was last Sunday and that was when the manure hit the fan, though Soarin had a hard time figuring out what went wrong from the story alone and Caramel was too shaken to be precise on the details.
"I-I just don't know what went wrong!" said Caramel, in between crying like a baby and eating another spoonful of pie, with lots of cream and sprinkles. Soarin didn't feel like having any himself, not after tonight. Not for another few days.
All he gathered, was that Caramel said something which made her so furious she threw him out of her house. So much for romantic homemade dinner. Soarin leaned back on his chair and closed his eyes, trying to remember that fateful day it all begun. This was one of his first jobs in the field, where he wingmanned Caramel into a perfect position to ask her out. She was a simple, light yellow coated, green maned mare, selling her wares on a marketplace each day. From what he could tell, they knew each other for years, but only passingly, never having guts to actually talk to her, let alone asking out, meanwhile a bunch of single mares kept bugging him instead. The plan was a success and Soarin witnessed Caramel asking her out on a date and she accepted happily. Nothing looked wrong from his perspective, but since he was watching from far away, he was bound to miss if something was wrong.
"Okay, I guess there's no other choice," Soarin finally announced, as he lifted himself up from his chair "in a situation like these, there's only one proper solution."
Caramel looked at Soarin, then forcibly chewed on his cake, swallowed it along with some tears, then asked.
"Proper solution?"
"Yes," he patted Caramels shoulder and smiled "I'll go talk to her. Explain what happened and try to salvage the situation."
"B-but..."
"No buts! I'll get it all sorted out. So don't you worry, I'll be back in a jiffy and everything will be alright." he smiled widely. From the looks of things, Caramel cheered up a little as well and nodded "By the way, remind me, what was her name?"
"Okay, this time for sure!" Lyra took a few deep breaths and looked at the menacing, wooden front door. She delayed it long enough and Darwin kept pestering her more and more, especially over weekend. She was well aware that her new friend was a rock, but Pinkie Pie convinced her to keep him and cherish him forever. He wasn't exactly the best talker, but he was the best listener she ever knew. Except Bon Bon, but she was perfect. And probably softer too. If only she knew for sure.
She raised her hoof and was about to knock on the door (despite the clearly visible 'Open' sign), but was interrupted when the door opened by itself and a light blue blur passed her, leaving only wind behind. She heard a hasty 'excuse me' as he flew away, Celestia knows where. She looked up in the air, where her hope disappeared and sighed.
"Huh..." she scratched her head, then shrugged "...oh well, next time for sure! And this time I tried, you saw that too!"
"..."
"No I'm not!"
"..."
"You know what?" she lifted the necklace with Darwin from her neck and held it in air for a while, glaring at it "I've had it! Ever since meeting you, all you do is order me around! Lyra do this, Lyra do that, Lyra don't do that, yadda yadda, I'VE HAD IT!" she tossed the rock at the ground "It's over! Done! Finished! And don't call me!" then she turned and walked away, relishing in her new freedom.
A minute passed, Lyra slowly came back, her head lowered in defeat. She picked up Darwin with her magic.
"No. A. Word."
There were none.
Soarin wasn't in the marketplace too often, so it took him a while to find the proper place. In all honesty, all he remembered from last time was that it was very close to Sweet Apple Acres stand, the rest was pure guess. And there it was, a stand full of vegetables in crates, already closing and being packed back on the cart. It was getting late, most farmers were already gone, but this one was still shuffling about, though he could barely notice her moving around all the boxes. Here was a mare that could use some helping hoof and he knew exactly the stallion to help.
"That looks pretty heavy," he said casually, still trying to catch a glimpse of her body, at least a full view. All he got so far, were parts of her pale golden coat "I could lend a hoof, if you want."
"No thanks, I'm okay," she replied, not even bothering to raise her head from under her stand "I do that everyday. I don't need any STALLIONS help, thank you very much!"
Soarin hissed. Sounds like she was still bitter over Caramel's lackluster performance yesterday. He coughed and walked towards one of the boxes filled with carrots and lifted it easily in one hoof.
"Nonsense, I wouldn't feel right if there was something I could help with and I walked by."
"Argh, fine," the mare finally lifted herself up from her stand, carrying a big wooden box on her back "just don't expect a reward, I'm not in the mood. And be careful, they're hea--"
SMASH!"
"...-vy..." she facehooved and sighed deeply. She put the box back on the stand and walked towards Soarin and crate he just dropped, shattering it to pieces, thus sending all the carrots tumbling over the street "Great, more work, just awesome!" she leaned down and started gathering the carrots, putting them to a separate box "Come on, help clean your mess."
It took her a moment to notice that he wasn't about to move out of the place, so she raised her head and looked at him, looking at her, except his eyes were wide and jaw dropped almost to the floor.
"What?" she scratched her head and looked around "Did you see a ghost or something?"
Soarin saw no ghosts. All that was in front of him, was a pale golden mare, around his age, with irritated look on her green eyes. The same he remember from before. With one slight exception, small detail but crucial nonetheless.
"Y-your mane..."
"What about my mane?" she asked, patting her mane with her hoof "Is there something in it?"
"It's... it's..." he gulped. Never in his life was he so scared to say this dreaded word "...g-ginger!"
Then it downed on him- of course a mare named Carrot Top would be ginger, like her carrots that she had on her cutie mark and that she sold (carrots, not the cutie mark).
"Yes, it is," she answered deadpan, rolling her eyes "what about it?"
"B-but... last time it was green!"
Carrot Top groaned, as her patience was being tested yet again and she was close to losing it.
"Ugh, don't even remind me! That's the last time I experiment with dyes. It took hours and tons of shampoo to get it off! I don't want to ever talk about it again."
It all become clear to him. He made a fatal mistake in his teachings. It wasn't Caramel that messed up here, in fact, nothing bad would've happen if he wasn't given a weapon he was not ready to use. 'The perfect line', the same one that helped a certain sea serpent few weeks ago, was supposed to be a killer move, a clincher, finisher and it worked. But it was a double edged weapon and in his hubris and carelessness, he let it be used on part of the entire Equestrian population immune to it, which according to latest census was only about 7%, if not less in Ponyville.
Right now, he was in a pinch and for once, didn't know what to do. He tried to think his way out, find a logical solution, which in hindsight, was his biggest mistake thus far. He broke rule number 2: 'Don't think, feel'.
"Umm, hello?" Carrot Top waved a hoof before frozen Soarin, not sure what exactly happened and why the stallion was standing in one place, eyes wide open, giving no signs of life other than fast breathing and waterfall of sweat. Finally, he gave up and did what seemed like the most reasonable solution at the moment.
He ran away, flapping his wings harder than at a derby, disappearing in a blur, followed by a trail of dust and sand. Once the smokescreen was effectively gone and Carrot Top was done with fanning the dust away, she looked at the mess of carrots left on the ground.
"Weirdo..."
It took Carrot Top way over planned ten minutes to clean up her stand and get ready to go home, courtesy of a certain pegasus that recently moved to Ponyville messing it even more. Gossip flew around, that he was actually an ex-Wonderbolt, but also that he a playcolt, a hunter, as he liked to call himself, taking pride in sleeping from one bed to another, never once staying for too long, just charming his way in and getting out without so much as a goodbye, leaving only a broken heart. Carrot Top knew the type very well and didn't like them a single bit. She couldn't recognize him at first glance, mostly because of the thick hipster glasses, but thinking about it now, she realized just who he was, but couldn't quite figure out why he left so early. Was it her hostile attitude? True, she had a bad day yesterday and he was a sleaze ball, but maybe she went a bit too far?
She shook her head to get out the idea that she was even remotely interested in him. She wasn't. But that didn't change the fact that he could at least TRY to seduce her. She'd say no for sure, but at least she'd feel more needed. More popular. More pretty.
"Is there something wrong with me?" she asked nopony in particular, as she looked at her own reflection in the nearby window. She tried smiling, but it looked like it was- forced. She sighed. Her granny said: one needs to be feeling well to look well. And she wasn't. Even throughout the whole day of selling and farming carrots, her mind drifted towards one important question.
"What went wrong?" she asked nopony again, getting as much response as last time "I thought we had something..."
It was slowly getting dark and she was the only pony left standing on the marketplace. Everypony else was already done packing and left, at least having enough decency to ask if she wanted help, but she turned them all down. Her problems were her own, no point in troubling others. She wasn't in a rush anyway. Her home was empty anyway. All that awaited her, was dinner, bed, waking up tomorrow to do her chores, work on the fields, sell some carrots, back home, rinse and repeat for entire week, whole year round. Her life in a nutshell.
She was brought back from her thoughts by a cough. She turned around to see some familiar faces, thought only one was a relatively pleasant sight. The other two, on the other hoof...
"Carrot Top," said Cloud Chaser, walking towards her, almost dragging two stallions, one light blue pegasus, other a light brown earth pony, both hanging their heads low, avoiding eye contact "can we talk?"