Nhhh… my head!
David reached up with one hand to gently caress his right temple, accidentally knocking a glass bottle on the floor to one side in the process, and slowly opening his hazed eyes to survey the room.
Ow God my brain feels like it was put in a trash can, and rolled down a hill into a well.
David smiled, momentarily happy with the little metaphor he had conquered in his mind. His smile was quickly replaced by that of a deep frown as the pain quickly reminded him that no amount of clever was going to replace the stupidity of what he had done to achieve this apocalyptic hangover.
As David’s eyes slowly adjusted to the light he lifted his head slightly to see where the antics of last night had left him.
Why is everything sideways?... Ow wait I’m on the floor… Again.
David quickly deduced that he had collapsed on the floor next to his bed for what had to be the fifth time this week. He momentarily shut his eyes again to try and resume the dreamless state he had recently been in. Before quickly casting any hope of that out the proverbial window as a beam sun light glared perfectly into his eyes.
Damn you sun, you have foiled my sleep for the last time.
David attempted to lift his hand up to the Window in a vain attempt to reach the blinds across the room.
Man if only this was star wars, I bet Jedi don’t have to put up with this shit. One wave of the hand and bamn those blinds won’t know what hit them.
David stared at the blinds in concentration with his outstretched arm in one last ditched attempt to force close the blinds before quickly giving up and collapsing his arm. Head flat onto the ground, he closing his eyes once more followed by the obvious realization that, no he was not a Jedi.
David’s thoughts quickly turned from the inability to close the blinds, to the odd sensation of dried sticky substance against his right arm and chest.
Why the hell am I all sticky, what is this crap, aw man it’s all over me!
David’s eyes quickly snapped open as, a horrible thought crept into his mind.
Ow please god don’t tell me, don’t tell me I wet myself, I don’t thing Amp will ever let me live this down if he find out about this!
David quickly lifted his head, biting back the sharp pain of the hangover awakened by his sudden movement. He lifted his arm to his nose and began to sniff. He drew a quick thank you prayer to as many gods he knew and some he immediately made up on the spot, that the smell on his arm was that of hard cider.
Ow hell. Wow thank Black Sabbath and all that’s unholy! I really didn’t need anything like that looming over me, not today. Not to mention I don’t think the hotel staff would have been too happy to deal with that. Man If I had to clean up after an idiot like myself, I don’t know what I’d do. Were the hell did this come from anyway?
David scanned the floor of the hotel room. Before his eyes quickly rested on the culprit for his mini panic attack, the large glass bottle his Arm had struck previously, tipped on its side with a logo of the Apples family stuck to it, with a small amount of the hard cider still lingering inside.
Licking the inside of his dry and aching mouth, David slowly began picked himself up from the wooden floor. His body ached all over from the uncomfortable sudo-bed/floor he had rested on last night. He began throwing an assortment of colourful curse words into the air, so vulgar that it would have made a Rapper blush. Whist still refusing to get up. He instead steadily dragged himself by his arms up towards the side of the bed next to the bottle. He leaned his back slowly and carefully against the bed frame facing away from the beams of the evil sleep stealing sun.
Hair of the Dog that bit me, won't hurt. David presumed lifting the bottle against his lips.
“Ahhh man that good drinkin” David stated out load to nobody, before taking another swig of the bottle.
David rubbed the sleep from his eyes again, as he slowly thought back on the event that had led him to this uncomfortable, but not uncommon state he was currently in.
Gods of the seven kingdoms! What happened last night. Um let’s see, first I woke up around 4pm as usual then I got grilled into by Tempo and Crash again for being late to rehearsal.
Tempo and Crash were both unicorns, and almost basically brother and sister for all it was worth. David had run into them when he had decided to form his band Emperors of the stone almost five years ago. Tempo was the easy going Drummer of the band. He had a smooth almost southern American sounding voice, which was strange considering David was pretty sure America didn't exist in this world as far as he knew but it sure as hell sounded the same. He was a dark brown stallion with a jet black mane and a cutie mark (or ass tattoos as David had originally and colorfully called them. Before being quickly and angrily corrected by just about everyone he had said it to) of a wooden metronome.
Crash on the other hand was the exact opposite of Tempo. Whist she could be described as light hearted at times, very rare times. It would be better to describe her as, a wound up mostly aggressive mare. She was snow white with short by pony standards, crazed bubble-gum pink mane. That David swore to this day was dyed even though he had never actually seen her do anything to it. She was the lead guitarist of the band. Something David had always perplexed him with the name Crash. Which he thought was short for Crash symbol. This wasn't helped by her cutie mark being a (well you guessed it) pair of crash symbols admittedly crossed over an acoustic guitar. She had stated that even though she liked the drums and was pretty good at them. She always loved the feel of the guitar, something David could strongly agree with, even though she never actually touched the thing when she played as she had to levitate it in front of her forelegs using that weird and awesome magic thing unicorns do.
David loved both of his band mates, but hated that they were always yelling at him for the smallest reasons. Such as leaving the toilet seat up, and/or accidentally passing out on the floor next to his bed half naked. Well ok, maaaybe they could complain about that one. No one wants to see someone half naked on the floor when they walk passed. Especially if like David they tended to sleep without pants. And to be doubly fair it was mostly, well actually it was always Crash doing the yelling. Tempo was more the easy going parent of the band. He never actually seemed to get angry he would calmly tell you what an asshole you were being in a way that only made you look and feel worse than if he yelled. Sometimes David almost wished he’d yell instead, but Crash more than made up for the both of them so it didn't matter.
Damn, David thought in frustration. I can’t remember anything past taking that shot of moonshine we all had, had in the green room before hitting the stage. As far as I’m aware nothing went wrong I don’t smell any rotten fruit and vegetables on me.
David quickly looked down to confirm that no produce was staining his clothes, which he had failed to take off from the night before.
Huh, yep no rotten tomatoes must have been a decent night …hmm then why do I have this nagging sensation that I bucked up.
David had taken to using ‘Bucked’ instead of ‘Fucked’ as although he was sure pony got down and dirty, that word had never actually been used before he arrived, and what good was a swear word if nobody understood it?
Just as David was about to continue his mentally self-destructive trail of last night’s antics a sharp knocking came from the other side of his hotel door.
“Lemmy dude are you alive in there?”
“Nughh…” was all David was able to conjure up.
Damn it Amp can’t you see I’m trying to curl up and die over here, he so selfish sometimes.
Amp was the bass player, and even keyboardist of the band. (when required) Coolest thing about Amp was that he was a Griffon, which had blown David’s mind when he was first thrown into Equestria, well besides the talking, flying, magic ponies that is. But besides that, seeing a talking griffon had to be up there as one of the coolest things about this crazy world. Especially considering David had always been a huge fan of Greek mythology as a child, Amp looks visibly impressive to say the least even when he wasn't trying his best to piss David off at every moment. Amp stated that he was an average looking everyday Griffon by their standards, if he was to be believed. Brown feathers with a white head, and yellow beak. As he was the first and only Griffon David had seen at this point, he was forced to take his word on that.
“Common dude you need to get up, we have to be at the Royal Ponyville theatre for the gig in four hours. Crash is freaking out, you know how she gets when everything isn't by the book.” Amp yelled from the opposite side of the door.
David drained the last of the bottle of cider, before slowly raising to his feet for about two seconds, and then promptly plummeting flat on his face with a loud crash as his left Knee gave way in a sharp burst of pain.
“Gah!!! Damn you legs you have failed me again!” David angrily spewed.
“What the Tartarus was that noise? Dude I’m comin’ in” Amp yelled charging into the room before David had anytime to protest.
Upon seeing David spewed on the ground with his legs comically sticking up and his arms pointing in different directions, Amps promptly collapsed to the floor in a fit of laughter.
“Ahhaha dude you should, see yourself. Ow man…hahaha wait till Temp hear about this” Amp yelled holding onto his sides in an attempt to regain control of his laughing fit.
“Fuc… I mean Buck you Amp, can you shut you beak for two seconds my head feels like someone’s attached a kick peddle to it.” David whined angrily, slowly attempting to sit upright. Trying to access why his beautiful face had made contact with the ugly ground.
“Ahhaha.. um, ah sorry Lemz,” Amp said trying his best not to burst into laughter again. “Tartarus at least you have your pants on this time, and if this isn't a bit of that Karma thing you told me about for what you did last night I don’t know what is.” Amp stated rising to his feet, tussling the top feather on his head with his claw in an attempt to reshape his feathery hair style.
“I regret ever explaining Karma to you!” David said gritting his teeth though the pain whilst still rubbing the side of his face with his pale hands. “Wait, why would you say that, what the hell did I do to deserve this. I’m perfect, karma loves me that’s why it sent me traveling into a land with talking horses! And a asshole of a griffon who annoys the shit out of me for no reason, all the bucking time!”
Amp just rolls his eyes at the remark, and extends a claw to David to help him up. “Dude you are far from perfect I’ll be first to tell you that, and you can’t tell me you honestly don’t remember last night. Just how drunk did you get?” Amp states lifting David to his feet more wary of his left knee this time.
“Drunk enough evidently.” David muttered mostly to himself.
“I’ll say, look at all these bottles Lemz, it looks like you had some sort of one man rave in here man. You really shouldn't be doing this to yourself every day, it’ll catch up to you believe me.” Amp worryingly spoke, peering around the room at the Alcoholocaust that lay in his view.
The room was trashed to put it nicely, broken bottles and kicked over furniture were placed in every conceivable part of the hotel room. Weirdest of all at the center of the room was a pair of pitch black slightly ripped leggings next to a similarly black pair of Frilly women’s undergarments which David raised his eyebrow at.
Huh did I sleep around last night, wait even if I did, ponies don’t wear lingerie do they? …wait then where the hell did these come from then! David closed the line of though as quickly as it began. It was too early for him make sense of anything right now, and to be honest he was sure he probably didn’t want to know anyway.
David looked down at his feet where the bottle he had just been drinking from was resting. As Amp was still peering across the room David attempted to council the bottle from view by subtly kicking the hard cider under the bed without Amp noticing. Which failed miserably as the bottle clanged against the wooden bed post causing Amp to raise one of his eye brow suspiciously at David, and drawing an embarrassed sheepish grin from David who promptly began fake scratching the back of his neck innocently.
“Ah ha” David fake laughed trying to distill some of his embarrassment. “Yeah, yeah alcohol and smoking is bad thanks mum, Man you’re starting to sound like Crash.” David muttered whist hobbling past Amp towards the bathroom.
“Whatever dude I’m not one to judge, you know that better than anyone. But speaking of Crash you better get ready quick. She’s still pissed after last night and you know how scary she is when she’s mad.” Amp said shuddering extending his wings for dramatic effect.
David did know how scary Crash could get when she was genuinely mad. He had only even seen her truly mad twice, and thankfully he was only partially on the receiving end of one of them, which was why David still had two working legs.
“Amp… just how mad is she?” David worryingly said turning his head to Amp.
“Dude let’s just say I’d be quick” Amp replied his beak somehow conveying a frown as he began making his way to the door.
After exiting the briefest shower of David’s life, interrupted only by the fact that he had fallen over two more times, due to bend his now bruised and painful left leg in order to be under the shower head. Which had evidently been made for a pony, and not a six foot four Human male. After toweling himself off, David stood in front of the mirror to take a closer inspection of his person.
His eyes were bloodshot and the bags under his eyes had bags under those. He wasn't looking to sharp even he had to admit it.
Man I've seen better days, but hell what do you expect from a guy who’s been torn from his life, and loved ones, and thrown into a World that wouldn't look out of place on an early morning cartoon show.
David brought a hand up to his head, pushing the wet black hair off his face. He often wore his hair slicked back mostly out of laziness than any particular style ,he like to say it made him look smarter and more sophisticated, even when his old human friends often jokingly stated that he looked more like a Bond villain. David Stroked the five a clock shadow that had been culminating around his jaw, he quickly entertained the idea of shaving before remember that the guys were waiting for him, in the lobby of the hotel. Well as far as he guessed. Typically Amp forgot to tell him that important detail.
Not wanting to piss Crash off any more. David quickly thought against shaving, and brushing his teeth. It was carrot flavor anyway so he would just be trading one bad smell for another. He grabbed some of the hotels specially made gel, courtesy of the Fancy pants new mane style line, and used it to slick his hair firmly back against his head. Satisfied that he look as presentable as he was ever going to given the circumstances. He quickly did a pirouette in the mirror to make sure everything was in working order, and then promptly left the bathroom.
David scanned the Alcoholic crime scene that had been his hotel room. He was certain he was going to get a bill for leaving it like this. But a bill was a delightful stroll in the royal gardens compared to his mad band mate. David began picking up his clothes from the room, his black denim jeans that was thrown about his bed first, then donning his red and black checked shirt and casual, scruffy three buttoned suit which was now somehow missing a button for reasons David was unaware of, David shrugged he never did the buttons up anyway nobody would even notice, he rolled up his crinkled sleeves that David had always seemed to prefer doing and began to move towards his boots by the door. Just about everything he was wearing was courtesy of the Carousel Boutique. It had been sent to him in a package a few years ago and had so far been David’s go to outfit.
I should really thank that mare, what was her name Rivalry…Parity no um…Rarity! That was it don’t think that a mare named Rivalry would do anything this nice for me. I should really thank ‘Rarity’ for these. She even refused to let me send her some money for them, hell I didn’t even have the bits to pay for them anyway!
After that thought David finally put on his pair of fake leather looking brown boots. Which he had always thought was weird. Cows in this universe were just as smart as pony’s. So the idea of having even fake leather would be like someone wearing fake human boots. But he had never lingered on the thought for too long, or for that matter any thought for too long as most of the time he considered it unimportant in the long run anyway.
After lacing both boots, happy that his clothes where ripping off just about every rock star cliché in the book, bar the bullet belt and dog tags, David picked up his battered old Guitar case which had been leaning against the wall and began hobbling towards the lobby whistling a familiar tune as he walked.
“Damn it Amp where is he. You went up there like twenty minutes ago, are you sure that dumbass didn’t just fall asleep in the shower again!” Crash yelled angrily. Not caring at the fellow ponies in the lobby who were now turning their heads towards her outburst.
“Yeah, yeah Crash calm down, I’m sure he’ll be here any minute now, you don’t have to take it out on me.” Amp nervously replied shrinking lower into himself. Even though Amp was clearly taller and stronger than Crash when she was mad she had the power to make a Minotaur feel insignificant and defenseless.
Crash sighed heavily, feeling bad when she noticed Amp shrinking back in fear. “Sorry Amp it’s not you I’m mad at, its dumb ass David who own selfish sea of self-destruction is once again swallowing everypony around him. It’s not like this is our biggest gig of the tour or anything!” Crash spat out.
She began shaking from anger again. It was not every day that Crash, or anyone of the band mates called David by his real name. Lemmy was always the go to nickname for him. Funnily enough this was because of a mix up when David first arrived at the Equestria, whilst filling out the hospital forms for his release he was still in such shock, he could only put down the name of the last thing he could remember, before being thrown into this world which was listening to a song called ‘Lemmy goes to the pub.’ Even after explaining that this wasn't his real name it was already too late, and he was stuck with his accidental self-appointed nickname, Lemmy. Not that he minded too much, Lemmy was a badass name.
Tempo moved one of his Forelegs and rested it on Crash’s left shoulder which seemed to calm her somewhat. “Look Crash we know you have every right to be mad at Lemz, after what you said last night, but making a scene here in the lobby isn't going to get us anywhere good” Tempo spoke in his smooth Southern tone. Crash turned her head to him, and noticed a small calming smile on Tempos face causing her to look down and take another deep sigh.
She surveyed the lobby noticing that just about everypony around was obviously averting their eyes trying their best not to look in direction of the disgruntled mare. Not that she cared, she was to mad to care however she was begin to feel ashamed at the attention it brought to her bandmates. “Your right Temp sorry” she said looking back into Tempos big brown eyes.
“Hey don’t worry about it.” Tempo said smoothly, still masked in that small gentle smile he was famous for. “Tell you what when he comes down, and we've loaded everything into the cart you can have at him all you like, and I won’t stop you I promise.”
Crash smiled at Tempo, feeling a little of the anger wash away as she looked at him. “Ha, thanks Temp you all ways know what to say to a mare.”
“Soooo, if you two love birds are done, don’t we have a show to go to?” Came a familiar voice from behind the two band mates. Crash turned around to see David standing there with a smug grin on his face, pulling a pre-rolled cigarette from the inside pocket of his staple suit, creased by the tatty guitar case on his back.
It was the perfect level of smugness that on another day would have had Crash floor him on the spot.
“YOU.” Crash yelled venomously through her teeth.
David eyes lids shot up in surprise at her response, looked at her in abject terror. Having momentarily forgotten she was apparently furious with him. The smile dropped from his face and he looked up from Crash noticing Tempo and Amp both making warning signs with their forelegs and claws, in an attempt to stop David from saying anything that might land him in hospital.
“Umm… Hi Crash. Sorry for being late are we ready to hit the road.” David said meekly with a painfully nervous smile on his face. Not daring to meet the daggers that Crashes eyes where making at him at this moment.
David could hear Crash’s teeth grinding in here mouth, which only seemed to amplify the terror David was currently feeling at this moment. After what felt like an eternity of Silence Tempo finally spoke up.
“Um hey Lemz, yeah were heading off now, carts waiting outside with most of the equipment let’s get going, shall we Crash.” Tempo stated in his smooth tone allowing a Hint of Nervousness to break his usually calm façade.
After another moment of silence, Crash finally broke her line of sight from David. She levitated her bags and began to walk away throwing her tail in a huff as she turned towards the exit.
Amp cautious strolled up to David who was still standing their stiff as a board. After a moment Amp cleared his throat loudly enough to catching David’s attention.
“Ahem... Common dude no sense making it worse by standing around all slack beaked, and what not.” Amp said pushing against David’s back with his wing in an attempted to get David to move.
David however was still stuck in place, Crash’s venomous Purple eyes still haunting David thoughts. It wasn't the anger that struck David the most, it was hurt hidden behind them. Something he had never seen in Crash before she was always good at hiding whatever emotion she was feeling, besides anger of course. David slowly began to loosen up, feeling Amps wing on his back he started to place his good leg forward.
“Man I must have Bucked up pretty F-ing’ badly to make her go full mare crazy like that” David thought out load before freezing solid on the spot once again in a moment of clarity. “Ow shit! Did I just say that out loa…” was all David had time to say. Before a large levitated bag collided directly into his face, throwing him into the ground.
It’s gonna be one of those days I guess.