You ever have a moment where you reflect on your choices in life and realize they could have been better? Maybe it was in a jail cell after getting caught with a beer while underage at a party, or while walking twenty miles to a gas station on the Freeway cause you were sure the car could make it to the next one only to get back and find the car is gone, or perhaps when an angry family was staring you down after your house of card lies about whether or not you'd shoved your face into your Aunt's wedding cake came down.
Okay, that last one was more of a single lie than a house of lie cards and it was a white faced one at that. Literally, the cake had Irish creme frosting. Mm... so delicious.
All of the above? Wow, really? I was being rhetorical, but cool! We have stuff in common then.
No, wait, I mean I never did any of... ahem, moving on.
Well, I was having a moment like that you see. Though quite a few orders of magnitude greater. To be expected when hanging upside down and staring into a writhing mass of tentacles of rage or rape. Both prospects were worst case scenarios in my book and both seemed entirely plausible at this point.
My mind was awash of many an idea for my valiant escape. In fact, a spell was already at the tip of brain to help me flee from the creature before banishing it. My mighty cranial prowess would see me through the day! Or, it would if it wasn't drawing a blank except for one thought repeating ad infinitum while staring at the tentacles: my body is not ready.
The writhing mess of slimy grey appendages encasing a glaring (or leering?) pair of demonic green eyes inside a red circle upon my study room's floor should not have been a big deal. Really, it shouldn't have. But how was I supposed to know the house would shudder and knock over my containment candles like that?
I could see the obituary now 'Reclusive Unicorn, Green with orange hair and a Bell cutie mark, found dead in study covered in tentacle sucker marks. Cause of death assumed to be extremely scandalous in nature.' The next day would contain reports of gossipy Canterlot nobles going apoplectic trying to figure it out.
It was lowering me down and more were grabbing onto me! This was it, the gruesome finish to my short time in Equestria! I scrunched my eyes closed and prayed to the one true deity of this world to deliver salvation unto me, "Oh Celestia's Sweet and Perfect Plot, I don't want to die! SAVE ME GREAT ONE!"
*SLAM* "By the order of– AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!" Wait! That feminine screaming wasn't mine! I'd know! I was just listening to it!
Opening my eyes a scooch I looked to the noise to see one very freaked out purple alicorn and four equally horrified mares all the colors of the rainbow. They looked familiar cause I knew who they were! Yay! Maybe I wouldn't be raped and/or killed! And not in that order or just the one time necessarily. The One Great Plot has delivered unto me salvation!
Hmm, wait, where was the literal rainbow of the group? "Hee-Ya!" Oh there she is, karate pegasi kicking my fleshy bindings. Silly Rainbow Dash, you can't over power tentacles, that's not how it works in the stories. The more you struggle the worse it'll be whe– why am I falling?
*thunk* "Ow!" "Ha! Take that freak!" "Dangit Rainbow, git away from it b'fore it gets ya!" "KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT!" "I'm going to Rarity! Stop shaking me!" "It has no mouth! It has no mouth? HOW CAN IT EAT CUPCAKES WITHOUT A MOUTH!" *quiet sobbing*
Rubbing my sore head I started to stumble my way towards the odd sight of the five stars of a certain cartoon series. If I didn't hear the wet slapping of flailing limbs trying to catch a living skittle's ad for a mare behind me I might have found it all rather comical. Applejack had her lasso out and was trying to rope some of the writhing mass while Twilicorn was trying to pry a visibly panicked Rarity from her barrel all while closing the eye next to her down turned ear on the side Pinkie was screaming into.
Oh, and Fluttershy was sobbing behind the fern in my upstairs hallway. Cool, I wouldn't have to water it for awhile. Hmm... Am I in shock? I'm not normally this detached.
Wait, focus, Fluttersad is worst sad. Right, got it. If I deal with a certain Japanese anime school girl's nightmare she would cheer up!
I turned around to see Rainbow still putting up a valiant effort. Luckily for her I'd had the attic removed to make a vaunted ceiling so she had some room to maneuver. Still, she was covered in slime at this point, and slowing down from gunked up wings so I knew broken dreams and the crying game was coming soon. Also, there were a lot of bookshelves around and I think we all knew of her propensity to smack into them. Often. So this couldn't last and I wasn't interested in delivering that squid baby from the first Men in Black movie.
I smacked my two front hooves together loudly for attention. I didn't feel a thing cause they're made of dead cells... I miss my hands. "Alright, we can fix this! Here's the plan everypon–" *THOOM* Ever have a super heated compact energy shell fire off from behind you to sail forward within a foot of your face and then slam - and explode - into a target less than six feet way? No?
I envy you.
I could wax poetic about explosions and radiant lights and the wonders of the concussive blast but, you know, fuck that. It was big, loud, and made Michael Bay's work in cinematography look like a firecracker thrown into an empty parking lot. This one happened to be right next to - and on top of - me so I might be a little biased. And I'm not gonna lie, I may have squirted a bit as I was rag dolling about in the blast.
Also, "MY HOUSE! NOOOOOOO!" I painted a desperate picture; covered in debris and dust, sitting on my haunches with one foreleg supporting me as I reached out towards the wreckage. National Geographic would've loved this picture, photo vultures. Aww... not the curtains too? I loved those maroon drapes I had facing the street. I had them special made with little waves going along the bottom along with a gold border all around it that contained mini triforces... Tragedy.
I was on the first floor, what was left of it, staring at the floating dust particles of my vaporized study dancing about in the air as the sun set in the backdrop of my loss. Little was left of my home save the opposite corner which didn't have a second floor and just my bedroom which was now missing a wall.
"Is everypony okay?" The soft twinkling sound of a force shield came to an end with a small beep. It wasn't a fun beep. It was forever recorded in my mind as a beep of pain and loss now. Never forget, never forgive... the beep.
The sounds of rubble moving and coughing beside me reached my ears but didn't end my lament, "Shoot Twi, coulda waited till I was in the clear couldn' ya?" There was a pause, "Where's meh hat?" The sound of rubble being knocked and shifted around before an exclamation of success and a hat being beaten dust free proceeded shortly after. Found Stetson, achievement unlocked.
"Ya, what the hay Twilight, I had it on the ropes! Another minute and I'd have beaten it single hooved," Rainbow ignored Applejack's indignant holler, "and gotten a medal and been a Wonderbolt and stuff!" She landed and ruffled her ruffled feathers while looking towards Twilight with a ruffled expression. Pegasi have wings so you can make all the bird references you like. It's a free pass.
Wait... does that make me a Tribalist?
"Is it dead? Please say it is, it was ever so dreadful." The hesitant sound of a high strung high society mare. I guess she was off her manic killing panic now that the abomination is out of sight.
"Wow! That was super cool Twilight! I didn't know you could do that with the horn glowing blue and the blast destroying a house I hope it was insured hey mister your house is insured right and then the creature was like boooosh and the whole house came down and it's insure right mister cause it's like totally gone now after Twilight sh–owwrglaaof" The sweet sound of a gagged Pinkie Pie. Twilight will want to wipe the slobber off her hoof later I imagine.
Wow, this was just like an episode of the show! Just, with more property damage and personal suffering than I would have expected. Also, I doubt Hasbro would have had... THAT thing in the show. Even in the Japanese version.
Mores the pity.
Before the portable purple mortar cannon could start voicing what was likely an eloquent and thoughtful reply to all questions there in, I interjected with what I felt was likely the pièce de résistance to her queued queries, "What the hay did you do to my home!"
Her ears folded back and her lips, all plump and sweet looking, closed up into a full blown pout. Now, you haven't been to Equestria so you're not in the know. But there's no preparing you for a sad pony face. Just no preparing. Also, it'll take over your soul if you're not careful. Over the last year here I'd managed to develop a technique in dealing with this. Though it wasn't particularly pretty, I implemented my secret technique before she could start laying into me with the poutiness:
"Hey, no worries about the house. I was planning on renovating from scratch anyway! Yep this just saves me time since it's already demolished now! HA. HA. HA. Ha haaaaaaaa...." Just accept the loss as quickly and vigorously as possible, no matter what it was. End of story. Deal with it.
Oh no, she's scrutinizing me with squinted eyes and everything. I can feel the scrutening! My laugh was too awkward, I should have tried harder. "Oh, well... hmmm," after a moment of scratching her chin with her free hoof - Pinkie was still talking into the other one - she nodded and beamed her trade mark smile of friendship,. "... okay then! Are you alright?"
"Ya buddy, you all there? Ya were in a mighty fine pickle weren'tcha?"
"Ya, I'm cool. Totally cool. You know, alright, chillin'. I'm good... uh, you? How about you all?" Smooth man, smooth. Being in front of the 'mane six' was finally starting to set in for you. Don't blow it man, you look horrid with this god awful color pallet as it is, don't be a chump!
Rainbow Dash was snickering into her hoof while idly fluttering her wings in amusement. "Do you usually go for the slimy gray octopus types? You might want to consider dating folks less... grabby! Pfft, haha!" Oh you raspy voiced lovable ball of awesome you. Still, better do some damage control before they think I'm some kind of fetishist perv with a magic circle in his baseme– second story study?
"What? Good ol' Ashclokuip? Naw, that was a one time deal, just trying to get a quickie in before dismissin' her. You know how it is with beings of ancient power." I was leaning against a shattered support beam - one of the few things still standing in my home debris land lot thing - buffing my hoof with my eyes closed. The picture of cool.
Course, after awhile of silence I opened my eyes to gauge their reactions to my awesome. I didn't think they'd be struck silent by my powers of pure swag but I won't complain. Hmm... that's not what I was expecting. Four mares stood there looking horrified - mouths agape and waiting to catch flies - and Rarity was green faced with a hoof plugging her mouth with puffed out cheeks. Was it something I said?
Oh wait! "No! Not like that! I just meant I wanted to summon her up, in and out quick, to get awesome power! Not, you know, happy tentacle fun time! Cause there was no happy about that! She didn't even buy me dinner."
"Wait, what!?" Twilight finally snapped out of her shock only to delve straight into the righteous power of anger. Careful young apprentice, that path leads to the dark side. "You summoned that monster here?! WILLINGLY?!"
... Whoops. "It's not as bad as it sounds, I swear!" I was frantically waving my fore hooves at the glaring and/or sickened heroes. Mostly glaring.
Except Pinkie who had a hoof to the side of her muzzle and was shaking her head tsking of all things. "You try so hard and yet they still go so wrong. Aunty Pie tries so hard too..." Oh Pinkie, you're ever the delight as usual.
"Princess Sparkle!" The mares glanced behind them to see a squadron of pegasus guards clad in golden armor landing down. "We came as soon as we saw the explosion. Are you hurt? The medics will arrive soon!" They ended in a salute.
"At ease soldiers and secure the perimeter. The demon was dealt with and we're all acco–" the alicorn stopped for a moment glancing at her friends. One, Two, Three, Four... wait where's my fern watering help? "Fluttershy! Where are you!?"
A small squeak sounded out from the opposite end of my rubble home and inside the one room still standing, a first floor bedroom with a roof beam crunching my bed down. That can't be repaired, I'll need a new box spring. Wait...Fluttershy and my bedroom... oh crap, please don't say she looked in my top drawer!
The butter yellow mare with the second best plot in the realm and a long flowing pink mane fluttered (how appropriate) from the wrecked room with several books in hoof. The pit of my stomach deepened. If it was a gravity well, I just upgraded from a white dwarf to a neutron star.
"Oh sorry. You were all just so excited so I didn't want to interrupt you. Oh, and his book shelf was knocked over so I thought.. umm..." Turning to Twilight she held up several tomes I now wish I didn't currently own, "Twilight... if it's not too much trouble, since you're a librarian I wanted to ask... umm, should 'Dark Rituals of the Occult and Damned' come before '100 Ways to Prepare Virgins for Sacrificial Ceremonies' or after 'How best to Serve Our Dark Rulers: A Beginners Guide to Cultisting for the Old Ones'."
As one, all the elements of harmony - which were mildly shining now that I noticed the mares had their jewelry on, what an odd thing to miss before now - slowly turned to stare at me with unblinking eyes as Fluttershy's question sank in. And with that, the pit in my stomach hit the neigh infinite gravity level of a Black Hole. Not good man, not good! We just hit the event horizon! There's no turning back now, prepare yourself for rainbow power! Also, probably Rainbow's hoof before said rainbow power!
Everyone held their breath. The world itself seemed to come to a stop as I was the focus of their and the guards attention. The sounds of the city died and all was still. For one brief moment, I felt eternity stretch out.
"In my defense, that sacrificial virgin one is actually just a cheap porno novel and not actually proper ways to sacrifice virgins." I don't think it helped any.
"Guards, seize him!" Twilight yelled while pointing a furious hoof at me. I was about to speak up again but the air was promptly knocked from my lungs by an unyielding mass of stallion muscle and metal armor all bearing the hint of sweat and frustration. I didn't blame them for the stink though, I'd be sweating and frustrated too if I spent all day looking but never touching in the Great One like these Solar Guards.
Well, on the bright side, they were definitely dragging me to the palace so at least I could see the most beautiful visage in Equestria before they ultimately send me to be rehabilitated to the ways of love and friendship via snuggles with Gayburn. Or to the Moon... or the Sun, whichever.
I jest but this whole situation was actually rather serious.