//------------------------------//
// Family Appreciation Day 
// Story: A Dream 
// by totallynotabrony 
//------------------------------//

	“So you’re still Twilight Sparkle?” I asked.
“What do you mean ‘still’?  I always have been.”
“It just seemed like kind of a gay name for a stallion.”
Twilight thought about it.  “Now that you mention it, I don’t know what my parents were thinking.  It’s still not as bad as, say, Fluttershy.”
“True.”
“I can’t imagine what you must be going through,” said Twilight as he examined the ugly rock wrapped in electronics.
“So you actually believe that I used to be a guy?”
“I’m still unsure about the whole human thing, but according to the data recorders on this, you were once in an opposite-gender universe.”
“So, I replaced the actually-female Valiant here?”
Twilight thought.  “Now that you mention it, I do wonder about that."
“But Twilight,” said Spike, “How do we know that she isn’t having another crazy spell?”
“I’m not crazy,” I retorted, quietly horrified that I had responded to a female pronoun.
“I’m sorry to say this, Valiant,” said Twilight, “But it’s only the supporting data that makes me believe you.”
“You win this round, science,” I muttered.  I glanced up.  “Speaking of science, do I still have my robots?”
Twilight rolled his eyes.  “Yes.”
“Awww yeaaahhhhh.”  I leapt to my hooves and dashed outside.  The VTOL named Monstrosity was present and accounted for.  The design hadn’t even changed.  Picking through the inside, the only difference I noted was a slightly smaller pilot’s seat for my slightly smaller posterior.
Ugh, that was major squick right there.  I started tuning up the engines to get my mind off of it.
The Cutie Mark Crusaders came rumbling up in their robot.  “Hey Valiant, we need to ask you somethin’!” said Apple Bloom.  He scrambled out of the cockpit and came over to me.  Heh, cockpit.  They were all colts now.  
Wow, girl-me is terrible at jokes.
“It’s Family Appreciation Day tomorrow at school,” Apple Bloom said.  “Granny Smith is the only pony in my family that can come, but I don’t want him to.”
“Hold up.  He’s your grandfather, right?  Why do you call him Granny?”
Apple Bloom shrugged.  “I don’t know.  It’s tradition, or somethin’.  Anyway, I need you to help me!”
“What am I supposed to do?”
“Well, if you smashed the school by accident that one time, do you think you could do it on purpose?”
I laughed.  “Is he really that bad?  Why don’t you want him to go?”
“He’s embarrassing.”
“So?”
“I’ll be the laughingstock of the whole school!” he said.
“Listen, I’ve been around the block a few times, and I know where you’re coming from.  I’m confident that you’ll look back on this one day and laugh, but in the meantime, let me offer you some advice:  Mind over matter, those who matter don’t mind, and those who mind don’t matter.”
Apple Bloom looked confused.  “What’s that mean?”
“You can’t let the haters bring you down.  Just let them go take their lemons and make haterade somewhere else.”
“Lemons?”
“The lemons that life hands us.”
“I prefer apples.”
I was getting annoyed.  “We’re speaking metaphorically, here.”
“What’s that mean?”
I sighed.  “Why don’t I just come with you tomorrow?”

Despite my agreement with Apple Bloom, I was very disappointed to wake up in the same universe the next day.  Fate had dealt a cruel hand indeed.
Like everything else since I had blacked out drunk and entered Equestria, I supposed that I had to make the best of it.
I felt that it was my duty to be as awesome as possible in order to distract attention from Granny Smith.  To that end, I put on my sunglasses and asked Captain Falcon to come along.
Cheerilee was not happy to see me.  I told him I was with Apple Bloom, and when that didn’t work, threatened to tell the whole town that he was illiterate.
I had never threatened a pony with a secret that they had told me in confidence.  It made me feel like a manipulative bitch, but it got results.
“I can't wait to hear Granny Smith's presentation. If he can remember any of it,” said a colt in the front row.  He was colored pink and purple and wore a dainty crown.
I cleared my throat.  “Next word out of your mouth will be your last.”  It was a little less specific than many of my threats, but kids have active imaginations and can imagine what you might mean.
Granny Smith began recollecting something.  I tuned out.  Looking around, I noticed that the ceiling had only been recently repaired where a certain gender-bent pony-man had crashed through it.  
The kids began clopping, so I assumed the presentation was over.  I really hoped that somepony came up with a new term for beating their hooves together in applause.  It really sounded similar to an activity that fillies and colts should definitely not being doing in the classroom.
“Diamond Tiara, if it weren't for my Granny Smith your mommy wouldn't have Barnyard Bargains,” said Apple Bloom to the colt I had talked to earlier.
“But…but he's just a kooky old guy!" said Diamond.
“I gave you fair warning,” I said to him.  “Get up.  I’m going to take you outside for execution.”
“Valiant!” said Cheerilee, “This is my classroom and I handle the punishment.”
“Mr. Cheerilee, I don’t screw around with justice, and I’m not going to let you stop me.”  I wasn’t actually going to kill the colt for something that he said, but I thought it was important that he have at least one unexpected bowel movement before I revealed that to him.  
Cheerilee stepped forward.  “I took this job knowing the dangers involved.  I’m willing to lay down my life for the sake of education.”  He put himself between me and Diamond.
“I’ve got to say, that was a pretty badass speech for a schoolteacher.”  I looked at him, smiling a little.  “You’ve failed to take one thing into account, though.  I’m a lunatic who plans ahead.”
A robotic metal hand stabbed down through the newly repaired roof and snatched a surprised Diamond Tiara.
“Escape!” I shouted, running out the door with Captain flying ahead of me.  I met up with Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo outside in the robot.  With Diamond hanging upside down and screaming his head off, we got moving.
“This is what happens when you screw with nerds!” I shouted at him.  The robot’s arm was positioned close to the cockpit so I could yell directly in his face.  “Giant robots!  Do you understand?  We don’t get mad, we get automated!”
“I’m sorry!” he cried.  “Please put me down!  I promise to be good.  I’ll get you all the zap apple jam you want!” 
“Is that some genetically modified crap?  Not interested.”
“Hang on,” said Scootaloo.  “Zap apple jam is pretty good.”
“Yeah,” added Sweetie Belle.  “I mean, we already get all we want from Apple Bloom, but what if we could get more?”
“Why would you want more if you already had all you wanted?” I asked.
Sweetie Belle shrugged.  “Eh, good point, I guess.  Let’s kill him.”
I found myself in the awkward position of trying to save the colt’s life while still making it look like I wanted him dead.  Couldn’t have him thinking that I wasn’t serious, after all.
“Hang on,” I said.  “I’ve never had any of this jam.”
“I’ll get it, I’ll get it, just put me down!” shrieked Diamond.
“Okay.”  So I did.  Into a mud puddle.

I carried a jar of the jam back to the library tree.  Captain and I had visited Sweet Apple Acres and eaten a whole bunch of the stuff.  I had no idea what went into it, but I liked the flavor.
Twilight was working on something when I stepped inside.  A particular grey pegasus stallion was with him.
I walked up to the table and saw the rock surrounded by notes and other bits of technology that Twilight was apparently working on.
“So…” I said.  “What exactly do you know about the multiverse, Derpy?”
“Oh, um, not much.”  It was my opinion that he didn’t know much about anything, but I try to be nicer to those with disabilities.
I gave Twilight the jam and he went to find some bread to put it on.  He asked the other pony to keep an eye on the rock while he was gone.  It’s almost like he didn’t trust me with it.
One of Derpy’s eyes swiveled to watch the rock.  The other remained looking at me.  
“So how’s the delivery business?” I asked.  I walked over to Captain’s perch and she hopped off to preen her feathers.
“Oh you know, it has its ups and downs.”  Like that time Derpy had dropped a freaking piano on Twilight.
Derpy had turned to look at me.  He was also still watching the rock, which was now directly behind him.  One of his eyes pointed towards the back of his skull.  It looked creepy as hell.
Twilight came back just then with toast and jam.  I politely declined, having eaten too much already.  Derpy left to do something that he never clearly specified.
“So what was he here for?” I asked.
“Sometimes when I get frustrated, I like to call on somepony who has a completely different point of view.  Lately, it’s been him.”
“He doesn’t have a point of view.  Knows not where he’s going to.”
Twilight nodded.  “He’s a real nowhere pony.”
“Holy crap,” I said.  “I thought you didn’t know the Beatles?”
“I told you, I don’t like bugs.”  He took a bite of the toast and looked at the rock.  "So I've been doing a lot of research about this thing."
"Do you know how to get me home?"
"No."
I said something very unladylike.