//------------------------------// // Yet another chapter // Story: The Cuddlequest of Earth // by Tyrannosaurus_Tux //------------------------------// Three fillies were shooed out with a broom from the entrance of a news broadcasting station with a gruff command, “And stay out!” Applebloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo picked themselves up and dusted their capes off as the door closed behind them. Sighing, “Well, that was a bust,” Sweetie Belle said. “Yeah, it’s bad enough that we stowed away on the Earth Cuddle Crusade, but are there really human-related cutie marks?” Scootaloo added, with a swish of her tail. Applebloom adjusted her bow and said, “Don’t worry, girls! I’m sure we could find something else!” Sweetie Belle snorted annoyedly and said, “Yeah, we’re better off just going home. We’ve tried everything!” “Yeah, we’ve tried Tank Crewmares, Fast Food Cooks, Street Acrobatic Marketing...” Scootaloo then added, punctuating every talent with a hoof tap on the pavement. Sweetie Belle cut off Scootaloo by saying wistfully, “Though twirling those ad signs was pretty fun..” With a bit of frustration, Scootaloo waved her front hoof and said, “They wouldn’t even let us in to try for Nuclear Engineer Cutie Marks! They said stuff like safety and certification, but you never know until you try!” "Yeah, let’s go home,” A slightly deflated Applebloom said They then started their trek on the way to the airport so they could cross the interdimensional portal aurora by plane and go home. They started to wander several neighborhoods, unaware that they were lost. The Crusaders were shaken from their stupor by someone shouting nearby, “ROLL FOR INITIATIVE, SUCKAS!” A rogue flying die flew out of an open basement window and hit Applebloom in the head, causing her to exclaim. “Ow!” Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo quickly looked over Applebloom and the die before they noticed where it flew from. They then noticed several new voices. “You’ve got to stop throwing those dice like that, man! One flew out the window!” “You’se all jelly that I can throw dees dice dis hard!” “Use English, for goodness’ sakes!” “Guys, calm down! It’s just a game!” “Can we get started already?” The trio of troublesome fillies looked into the window, and found four young men playing... some sort of game. It involved funny-looking miniatures and dice. The inquisitive crusaders listened in. “Man, can you believe how crazy this world’s coming to?” “Yeah, all these guys falling out of the sky, man. We’re now in a fantasy setting, brother!” “Yeah, right. Where’s the dwarves and trolls?” “Not here, obviously, killjoy.” “...Can we start now?” “What’s the matter, man? You seem down.” “Hm? Oh, I just nearly got cuddled today.” “Oh, man. That must’ve been a close one.” “Yeah. Thankfully they can’t tell we’re lying about being cuddled.” The Cutie Mark Crusaders gasped. Humans, not being cuddled? “Yeah. I’m guessing the majority of America’s just lying about being hugged by these weirdos.” The Cutie Mark Crusaders gasped again. Sweetie Belle said, “Guys, do you know what this means?” Scootaloo quietly said with a bit of excitemet, “Yeah, Sweetie Belle. It means we can get our cutie marks in...” All three fillies whisper-shouted, “Cutie Mark Crusader Cuddle Crusaders!” The Cutie Mark Crusaders then snuck off to discuss tactics. They were outnumbered here, and they needed a plan of action. They needed to convene at a war room. However, a McDonald’s would work just as well. The sun was setting as they entered. They ordered McFlurries, and paid with bits. The lady taking the order gave them a look before moving to make the frozen treats. They sat down at a booth and started discussing possible plans of attack. Obviously, they were going to need a lot more “oomph” if they were going to take on four uncuddled humans. They were stumped on the whole problem when none other than Princess Luna walked in and ordered a vegetarian meal. Luna spotted the Crusaders, smiled, and waved at them. The Crusaders returned the gesture, and Sweetie Belle suddenly had a lightbulb moment. She called out to Luna, “Hey, Princess Luna! Wanna chat with us?” Luna received her meal and sat down with the Crusaders, saying, “I don’t exchange pleasantries with my subjects often enough. It is fortunate that I caught you as I was about to sample the infamous MacDonald Cuisine. What news, fillies?” By this point, Applebloom and Scootaloo had caught on to Sweetie Belle’s plan, and they also grinned. Sweetie Belle said a little too loudly, “We’ve found some uncuddled humans, and we’d like your help to get our Cuddle Crusader Cutie Marks!” Luna paused, thought a little, then said, “Are these humans really uncuddled? I thought America was harmonized.” Scootaloo said excitedly, “We’ve uncovered a huuuge conspiracy of humans lying about being cuddled! I mean, who does that?” Now Luna gasped, and she said, “Take me to them, that they may be harmonized!” She took a sip from her sugary, carbonated drink, and then said, “After we finish dinner, of course.” ====LATEST IN THE CUDDLE CRUSADE: AMERICA COMPLETELY HARMONIZED==== “NATURUA TWEENTY, SUCKAS!” “Just stop!” “JELLY!” “RAAAGH!” “Dude, calm down. It’s just a game.” “What did I do to deserve this?” ====LOCAL WEATHERMAN PICKETS NEWLY ESTABLISHED WEATHER STATIONS==== “What?!” Celestia nearly broke the President’s eardrum with that shout. She was currently talking to her sister over a smartphone she had purchased. After trying clumsily to use it by her hooves, she resorted to manipulating it and holding it with her telekinesis. She currently had the device near her head. She then shouted, “What do you mean, there are humans lying about being cuddled?” The President of the United States internally groaned. After all, he had been host for the Princesses and while they were polite and understanding, they did have the whole “Manual Harmonization” routine going. The shock of having been... cuddled had still not worn off on the President. Sure, he did feel... better? Still honestly weirded out, though. Now, another headache-inducing scenario was developing right in front of him. It would be rude of him to interrupt Princess Celestia, though, so he waited. Celestia finally said after a while of listening to her sister, “Very well. We’ll have to postpone the new offensive to secure what we do have. Farewell, dear sister.” With that, Celestia tucked her phone away turned to the President. 'Here we go again...' Now using a tone more regal and appropriate for the Princess of Equestria, Celestia began, “Mister President, a new development has arisen. Would you be willing to have our security services chat up yours so we can track down these uncuddled?” The President sighed on the inside, then said, “What would it take?” Celestia callously told the President, “Well, we would have to work with your National Security Agency and Department of Homeland Defense, but we can pool our resources to...” With no small amount of alarm, the President interjected, “Waaait, wait wait. What?” Celestia rolled her eyes, and continued, “We can use our combined intelligence network to track down the uncuddled, and...” Waving his hands above his head frantically, the President spoke quickly, saying, “I’ve already broken the law once for you, Princess. The UN is still throwing hot coals at me for donating transports for your... expeditions to the UK, Europe, and Russia.” Celestia didn't seem to be phased by this revelation, but instead told the President, “Ah, but that is where you are wrong. See, we petitioned the Polish to get transports into Russia. Took a bit of convincing, and it was a bit of a gamble, but it paid off.” The President clapped both of his hands to his face, and said between his fingers, “Look, I’m already in trouble for breaking international law. Please don’t ask me to break domestic laws as well. I really don’t want the reputation that comes with spying on my own citizens. Goodness knows we have enough presidents who have ruined themselves that way. So, no dice, Princess.” A pause. Then, Celestia decided, “...I see. Good day, Mister President.” The President sighed, then chose this moment to sink into a nearby lounge chair. This was going to be another long day. ====CRUSADERS PICKET CULT GATHERING: ACCUSE OF BEING UNCUDDLED ==== “Hey, who brought the treats?” “Oh, shoot. I left them upstairs. Let me go get them.” “BRING DA CHEEEPS, DAWG!” With a violent sigh, Richard Freeman walked up the steps to retrieve his grocery bag of goodies for game night. It was bad enough that Howard freaking Stone arrived. Great guy, but he had recently adopted the most ridiculous patterns of speech. Still, Richard couldn’t complain. He did enjoy the opportunity to have game night, however. It was an opportune moment in an otherwise insane world to spend time with old friends. Even if it was only a temporary escape, it still served to cool nerves to play Dungeons and Dragons with his high-school friends. Richard neared the kitchen, intent on collecting his bag of candy, chips, and soda when he noticed something off. He looked around, noticing the darkened upstairs and the still quiet. It unnerved him even more that all sound had ceased from downstairs. Richard’s friends were characteristically a rowdy bunch. It meant to Richard that something was seriously wrong. He looked to the kitchens, then to the stairs, then to the front door. Nothing looked off, other than the lights being off. He continued to the kitchens to run face first into the Cutie Mark Crusaders, who were all wearing maniacal grins. Richard freaked out, but all sounds were muffled by Luna’s magic. The rowdy bunch downstairs only noticed something was off when a faint scream was heard from upstairs. Everyone went dead silent. Howard was the first to speak, chattering, "Will, Alex, did you hear that?” They both nodded grimly. They wordlessly got up from their seats and wandered up the stairs. They also noticed the darkened first floor as they made their way to the kitchen. Alex peeked around the corner to see Richards on the floor, grasping at a pale yellow filly attached to his face. Alex gasped, and then caught sight of a jumping filly before his vision was all orange thanks to the same filly now hugging his face. Alex freaked out, and as Will and Howard saw what was happening, they also panicked. Will felt tapping on his left calf, so he spun around quickly to see a white filly jump at him. Howard turned around to see what came of his screaming friend, and yelled out, “Aw hail naw!” He bolted out the door and ran into the yard, only to find a smiling Princess Luna there. Howard reached into his pocket and threw all his spare dice at Luna, shouting, “YOU BETTER ROLL FOR GRAPPLE, PONY!” He then rushed past her and ran for his life. Howard closed his eyes and ran as hard as his body could, and after a while, he supposed he could open his eyes. He forgot to notice that magic had been holding him aloft the entire time. Howard swiveled around to see the Princess with an amused grin. Luna shook her head softly and said, “I don’t need a grapple check while I still have a few telekinesis spells today.” 'Oh crap. She’s right. Dang technicalities.' He got pulled into a hug by the Lunar Princess, and he groaned. Luna just said, “Oh, hush, my little human. I hope the crusaders found their cutie marks.” They didn’t. ====AMERICA NOT COMPLETELY HARMONIZED AFTER ALL: CUDDLEQUEST ADVANCE POSTPONED==== In a lonely dark canyon, somewhere... “Yeeeeess...” The wind picked up, creating a howling noise to the air. No living souls were in the canyon, save a few lonely crows. “Thiiiiis is perrrfect...” The cliff face shuddered. A human skull now protruded from the cliffside. “My defeeaat was perhaps inevitable, long agooo...” The sediment shifted, and the human skull fell on the cold, stony canyon floor. A crack formed on the skull, running down the the middle of the forehead and on down to the jawline. “The four legged fooools and their friiieends didn’t figure that they weren’t the only ones who would cross the bridge between two wooorlds...” The canyon seemed to convulse some more, until a multitude of bones from men and all sorts of animals joined the skull on the canyon floor, creating a boneyard. The winds picked up some more, and the cracked human skull floated up. Mismatched vertebrae and other bones floated up and arranged themselves in a human form. Goat horns awkwardly fused themselves to the forehead of the skull. Sharp carnivorous teeth from predators long past fused themselves to the jaw of the skull. The jaws snapped together with a sharp click. “The huuumaaans have the perfect sets of bones for my new form...” The crows suddenly found themselves sucked into the mess of bones, cawing until promptly cut off with a series of crunching noises as their organic tissues dried and were restructured into a dry, dark cloak that appeared black in the dark canyon, with only the pale moonlight to provide a contrast to the black and red-stained form. “I can seeeense the long dead, thirsting for battle... I shall grant them glory. It has been so long since I interfeeeered with the affairs of the living. I’ve even forgotten my naaaaame. Hmm... I shall call myseeeeelf Zaal’gor. And I shall claim this woooorld.” With that said, the newly self-christened Zaal’gor let loose an inhuman cackle into the air, long and loud and harsh on his new vocal chords.