//------------------------------// // Chapter 24: First Impressions // Story: The Unity Pact // by Truthseeker //------------------------------// Razor Wit ended up sleeping in Twilight's only spare bed and personally I wouldn't have it any other way. I slept quite soundly that night. The sofa was wonderfully comfortable and soft. Voices woke me in the morning. I cracked my eyes open and came face-to-snout, fanged snout I might add, with a purple and green reptile of some sort. I reflexively froze, 'Forward-facing eyes, sharp fangs, sharp claws, natural scale armor, so predator. It's also brightly colored so it might be venomous.' I didn't shout, nor did I move, 'Is this thing Twilight's guard dog?' I tensed my arms, ready to grab its neck . . . "Oh don't mind Spike. He's just curious." Twilight said trotting into the room. I shifted only my eyes to Twilight, "Is he dangerous?" The lavender Alicorn blinked in surprise, "No . . . Not unless he breaths fire on you." I could feel my eyes widening, "Fire?" "Oh that's right, you've never seen a Dragon before have you." she then switched to Velensovth, "Jemcana emooli Karch." "Emooli." Spike said, offering me a claw. I shook his offered claw and slowly sat upright, "Is he intelligent?" Twilight giggled behind her right fore hoof, "I sometimes feel like questioning it, but yes. Spike is my assistant actually. He cooks and cleans, and often finds books I'm looking for, before I do." Spike apparently became bored. He shrugged and walked away, on two legs, 'Yes! I'm no longer the only biped here!' Her statement brought something to my mind, "I heard you say last night that there are Gryphons in this world and now I learn there are Dragons too. How is it that at least two, possibly three sentient species all inhabit the same world and haven't wiped each other out?" "There's a good deal more than three." Twilight told me, "Ponies, Dragons, Gryphons," she paused and looked at me, "You'll have to give me a second or two, I have to find good translations. Um . . . Zebras . . . Minotaurs . . . Diamond Dogs . . . Donkeys . . . Cows . . . Goats . . . ," she shrugged, "Meh, might as well throw them in there too: Changelings." I could feel my right eye twitching, "All sentient?" I asked in disbelief. "Well, we don't know too much about the Changelings, but the most widely accepted answer is 'yes'. More importantly, why is that so surprising?" Twilight asked. "HOW!?" I nearly yelled, "How have any of you survived? Dear God, your history must be riddled with wars! How the hell do you maintain peace?" Twilight raised her left fore hoof at my exclamation, "It's pretty simple actually. Princess Celestia and Princess Luna raise and lower the sun and moon. No species is capable of wielding such power so other nations want to upset them, well except the Changelings. I mean, who wants to anger the beings who determine whether or not your country gets any sunlight? Granted the Princesses wouldn't do something like that even if Equestria were at war, but it doesn't hurt to foster the belief." Her statement gave me pause, "Wait . . . So Celestia and Luna control the sun and the moon? Seriously? How long have they been around?" Twilight screwed up her face in concentration, "Um, about two thousand years, give or take a century. Before that Unicorns raised and lowered the sun and moon, but we don't actually know how long they've been alive." All records before about two thousand years ago have been either lost or destroyed." "Two thousand years?" I asked, "Two THOUSAND!? I mean, Celestia mentioned something about that last night, but . . . two thousand years?" I flopped back onto the couch and covered my face with my hands, "Dear God I mouthed off to an immortal." Twilight's expression sobered, "She isn't immortal and neither is Princess Luna, they just live very long lives." "Well that makes me feel a little better I guess." I pulled my hands away from my face, "Alright, enough with all this, we're getting way ahead of ourselves here. Celestia said we were supposed to work on a translation guide then I was supposed to learn about Kavim culture and get some exercise." Twilight nodded, "Correct. I got a head start on the translation, but I hit a snag since I had to sleep so I only finished the first forty pages or so. We can work on it after breakfast or we can go meet my friends, whichever you want." I was floored, "Forty pages? I was stuck in that hospital bed for weeks and only managed to finish around a dozen pages." I hung my head, "The once proud Human race, the dominant species of Earth, now reduced to being inferior in every way to cute, colorful Ponies." I was being dramatic, trying to be funny, but it backfired. "Hey, hey, hey." Twilight said comfortingly, "I don't see you as inferior and I'm sure Princess Celestia doesn't either. Besides you're making a poor comparison." I had intended the over-dramatization to be humorous, but I decided to be a jerk and play along, "How so?" I asked in my best hurt tone. "How intelligent are you compared to an average Human?" she asked. "I'm pretty dim academically, but my intuition and logic are pretty good." I said slowly, 'There's no way I'm telling her my technical I.Q. is in the low 80s. I know my comprehension, creativity, and intuition give me an effective I.Q. of over 150, but she doesn't need to know that." "That's half your problem. You're comparing yourself to me. I'm not bragging when I say I'm one of the smartest Ponies in this generation, and I never said you were inferior. This is just me expressing my excitement. This is a great chance to study and interact with an entirely new species, learn about a different culture, and compare and contrast traits, thoughts, natures, and mentalities." Twilight explained. I gave her my most appreciative smile, "Thanks Twilight. Hey, how about we take a look at those forty pages you wrote last night? If you give me some time, I might just learn enough Velensovth to talk to your friends. Do you have a table to eat on?" Twilight nodded, now smiling again, "Yes, it's behind the kitchen. Are you hungry?" l stoop up slowly and began folding the blanket she had lent me the previous night, "That I am. Just so you know, Humans can't eat hay, straw, grasses, or most types of flowers. Fruits, vegetables, grains, and dairy we do eat." I paused as I set the blanket down on the sofa and grinned to myself, "I don't suppose you know what bacon is, do you?" "No, why?" she asked innocently. "I'll just leave that one alone then." Celestia's warning from the night before came back to me, so I decided to be nice, "Do you happen to have any cantaloupe, bread, and milk?" Twilight's smile broadened, "All three are in the kitchen. I prefer Honey Dew myself." "I enjoy both." I said with a shrug, "Do you know what tomato soup is?" Twilight shot me a deadpan look, "Yes." "Do you have cheese and butter?" I asked. Looking slightly annoyed, Twilight responded, "You know, you could go look for yourself instead of asking me, but yes to both." "Perfect. Would you mind if I made lunch and dinner for everybody?" I asked, rising to my feet. "Native Human cuisine? Count me in!" she said excitedly, "Just tell me what you need and I'll get it for you." I scratched my head, "Um, how much do you know about Human dietary needs?" "Only what you just told me a minute ago. Why?" Twilight asked. "O.K. then, I've mentioned four of the five food groups we need to eat. Care to guess the fifth?" I needed to tell her about meat, but finding a good way to do that was going to be tricky. "That's easy, protein. We need that too." she said. "Think of a non-plant alternative source of protein and I don't mean milk." I said leading her. Comprehension dawned on her features, thankfully without any anger, "Oh, you eat flesh then, like the Gryphons." "We call it meat. Humans are omnivores. Our most common meats are beef, from cows, pork, from pigs, poultry, which is most commonly chicken or turkey, fish, mutton, which comes from sheep, or shellfish. Some Humans eat insects too. I've eaten a few when camping, out of necessity, didn't much care for it." I said casually. Twilight looked unsure, "Here in Equestria, all those creatures are sentient with the exceptions of fish, shellfish, and some insects. I wouldn't go for the insects if I were you. Now unfertilized eggs are just fine, we eat them for breakfast once in a while." I clapped my hands together, "Perfect. I'll need a zucchini, a butter-nut squash, about ten olives, two tomatoes, two potatoes, five radishes, half a . . . hold on . . . " I had to think fast for this one and math was my weakest subject in school, "One thirty-eighth of a stone of rice, four leek onions, a few sesame seeds and a full array of spices." Twilight quirked an eyebrow, "That sounds unnecessarily complex, but why don't we go together? You can learn about our system of trade. The Princess's letter mentioned you were a kinetic learner." "Right after breakfast," something important had slipped my mind and suddenly made an appearance, "Where's Razor Wit?" Twilight's ears flattened and she lowered her head, "She woke up early and is taking a look at the work I did. She seemed really upset about it too." I motioned for Twilight to lead me to the kitchen, "Why?" I asked walking behind her. "Her special talent is for languages. Surely you saw her cutie mark." Twilight said, "She's upset because she wanted to do the work herself. It's her passion." "Either that or she has really bad P.M.S." I mumbled. I had neglected to notice that Twilight's ears were facing me, "What's P.M.S.?" she asked innocently. "Prickly Mare Syndrome." I said smoothly, 'Whew, dodged an awkward conversation on that one.' "Huh," Twilight said, "Are there many acronyms in common Human dialects?" "Tons," I said stepping ahead and holding the door for her, "Like S.N.A.F.U. or F.U.B.A.R." "What do those mean?" Twilight asked leading to the old time ice-box in the cramped kitchen. The kitchen was a long, narrow affair. The width from the work counters and sink on the left to the cabinets and ice box on the right couldn't have been more than five feet. Directly opposite the doorway from the common room and on the far side of the kitchen was an alcove that was maybe eight feet wide and deep. Situated in the center of that alcove was a small, two foot wide wooden table with four bench like chairs around it. Razor Wit was situated on one of the chairs pouring over a sheaf of paper while idly munching on what looked like dried figs or prunes. Spike was seated at the table with a bowl of . . . that had to be the coolest cereal ever, they looked just like little jewels. He was eating from the bowl like cereal with a spoon and milk. I bent over and pulled open the ice-box door, "S.N.A.F.U. means 'situation normal, all fucked up' and F.U.B.A.R. means 'fucked up beyond all repair'." I selected a cantaloupe and closed the door with my right hand while holding the melon in my left arm. "Are all Human acronyms so vulgar?" Twilight asked, "That kind of language is more than a bit repulsive." I set the cantaloupe down on the short counter behind me and pulled over a cutting board that was set conveniently to my left. Just in front of me, hanging suspended from the wall by tiny hooks was a selection of knives. I selected a wide bladed dicing knife. On a whim, I tested the balance of the knife on my palm. It was well made. I flipped it in my right hand, caught it, and heard three gasps behind me. I turned to see what was wrong, but Razor, Spike, and Twilight were all staring at me. "What?" I tossed the knife into my left hand and examined my right, "Did I cut myself?" I tested the edge of the knife with my thumb, "It's not even all that sharp." Their eyes were wide as dinner plates, as if Kavim eyes needed to be any larger in the first place, "What was that!?" Twilight asked. "What?" I had no idea what they were talking about. "That thing with the knife!" Twilight said. "Oh that." I shrugged, "I flipped it." I tossed the knife into the air again and caught it just like the first time, "It's not a big deal. Anybody can learn to do that." I flexed the fingers of my right hand, "Just good old manual dexterity." They just kept staring at me, "Oooookkkkkaaaaayyyyy." they were starting to creep me out, so I just resumed cutting the cantaloupe. * * * Razor and I looked over Twilight's work while I ate. Her work was exquisite and her comprehension of tenses was perfect. In a single night, she had completed a full tenth of the total work we needed to complete for the translation guide. Razor Wit was upset but even so, she couldn't argue Twilight's competency. Neither of us could find a single error in Twilight's work and we both learned a great deal about each other's language. Personal note: an entire cantaloupe for breakfast is very filling. I was washing a few dishes after breakfast, 'Eh, I do need to contribute a little.' Twilight, Spike, and Razor were talking to me in Velensovth while I worked. I could already understand them a bit better. "Why don't you try out some of your new words at the market? Spike, Razor, and I will go with you of course. It'll give you a perfect chance to learn about our currency." Twilight explained. I shrugged as I washed off the wooden cutting board, "Whatever you think is best Princess." "My friends just call me Twilight." she said. I smirked, 'So after last night's debacle, I'm suddenly a friend? Strange-assed Kavim. Meh, when in Rome . . . ', "Then call me Dan, or my friends use my nickname." "What's your nickname?" Razor asked. "Crash Course, or just Crash. I prefer Crash." I said casually. "That sounds like a Kavim name." Razor said. "Artex Rias." Twilight said. I turned toward her, "What was that?" "Crash Course," she said in American, "In Velensovth, Crash Course translates into Artex Rias." I silently mouthed the words phonetically, 'Artecks Reeass.' I shrugged, 'Whatever works.' "Is that how you would like me to introduce you?" Twilight asked. "It sounds more like a Kavim name, so sure. It might make it easier for them to relate to me since I look so different." I said as I finished drying the cutting board, it was the last item anyway, "O.K. Celestia gave me a bag with some gold coins in it. Let's talk about those while we head out. By the way, who are we going to see first?" I asked. "Oteliara." Twilight said in Velensovth. "I caught the word 'otel' which means apple, so I'm guessing you just said Applejack?" I asked. Twilight nodded, "Right. I hope you don't mind but I read the scroll Princess Celestia wrote in American for you. Applejack has a sales stall in the market and we're heading there anyway so it made sense." "Reading someone else's mail in America is a serious crime. People have gone to prison for it." I said. "Oh no, I'm so sorry!" Twilight squeaked. "You're fine this time, but for future reference just ask first. I generally don't have anything to hide." I walked over to the sofa and slid on my shoulder bag while mouthing Applejack's name phonetically, "Otel-ee-are-a. Huh, sounds kind of Swedish." "Remember, try to use Velensovth as much as possible. You are trying to become fluent, right?" Twilight asked. "Heef, gano den." 'Yes, I am.' I answered her in Velensovth. (NOTE: from this point onward most conversations are assumed to be spoken in Velensovth. Words that the main character doesn't recognize are going to be presented in their un-translated state.) The three Equestrian natives headed toward the front door. Twilight and Razor stopped and levitated their saddle bags onto their backs. I was glad to see Razor's normal bags on her again. Those 'travel bags' looked decidedly uncomfortable. Spike, on the other hand, didn't wear anything, clothing, bags, or otherwise. Hell, wasn't even certain whether Spike was male or female, that voice gave very little away, but I was leaning more toward male. I walked up to the door and mentally braced myself, preparing. Many people had called me a pessimist but my mentality was this, 'expect and prepare for the worst, that way, every surprise is a pleasant one'. I opened the front door and held it for the Equestrians. It occurred to me that the number of identical or nearly identical paraphernalia between my world and Equestria was more than a bit unsettling. One would assume, much as I had initially, that there would be very few things which were shared by our two very different cultures. I could not have been more wrong. Granted, the vast majority of Kavim technology was at least two to three hundred years behind Humanity, but they never had need of it because they had magic. Their most recent mechanical invention was a steam locomotive. In any case, the colossal number of similarities did help me adjust to them and their world so I suppose it was a type of blessing in disguise. We stepped out, into the light of day and I became instantly nervous. Outside, I finally got a chance to see Ponyville in daylight. It was lime looking at a plethora of different architectural time-periods all mish-mashed together. Stone houses with thatch roofs sat intermingled with houses covered with shingles and modern tiles. Each building was painted in vibrant colors, just as vivid as the residents. The Ponies of Ponyville walked around chatting with friends and going about their business until they spotted me. I figured I was probably pretty hard to miss, standing behind and nearly twice as tall as Twilight and Razor. Within the span of about twenty seconds, every Kavim within eye-shot had stopped in their tracks and was staring at me, some began whispering too. I had thought I was comfortable wearing the towel from my shower the day before. I thought I would feel confident enough. Nope. I might as well have been naked for all the confidence it gave me. I became acutely aware of my bare chest, my openly displayed ribs, my pencil-this waist, my bare feet, and the fact that underneath the towel, I was 'commando'. My embarrassment and nervousness combined with feeling completely exposed, helpless, and surrounded by unfamiliar beings, none of which looked anything like me, began to make me feel defensive and hostile. Twilight switched to Velensovth herself, but spoke slightly slower and more clearly than normal, "Don't let them bother you. They're just curious." I suddenly felt something cold and wet bump into my right fist. I looked down and met that Razor's concerned eyes. I relaxed my hand and she nuzzled my hand a second time then smiled reassuringly. "You go . . . first Twilight." I said. She nodded and set off at a casual trot. I hadn't noticed before, but Spike had climbed onto her back at some point and was riding her like a Human would ride a horse. Had I not been so tense, I would have likely found the image humorous. Twilight led the way out into the street passing by Kavim left and right. Razor and I followed right behind her. My tan Unicorn friend stuck by my side the whole time and I settled my right hand on the back of her neck. The farther we went, the more Kavim I saw. We had gone several blocks toward and past a tall building with a clock tower then turned right and came into view of what looked like a market/bazaar. Kavim were everywhere. I estimated their numbers to ne close to three hundred in the market alone. The numerous vendors called out their wares and spoke with customers. I took notice of an apparently animated debate between one male vendor and a female customer. The customer seemed to be holding a necklace of some kind and gesturing at it angrily while the vendor seemed to be trying to brush her off casually. "So much for the customer always being right." I said in American. Twilight's ears flicked my direction, "Did you say something?" I sighed and tried my best in Velensovth, "One buying . . . unhappy. One selling is . . . evil . . . seller." "B-b-bern." Twilight said, "Not evil, b-b-bern, it means bad." she finished correcting me then continued in American, "I'll use your language for this. It's not our place to intervene. If the jeweler isn't providing customer service, the customer will spread word about the shoddy service and poorly made merchandise and his business will suffer for it. If we go over and try tp pressure him into providing the service he should, then he might capitulate, but he wouldn't learn his lesson. Likewise if we helped the customer, her feelings about the situation would lessen and she wouldn't spread word as much, about the poor service and product. Her story she would tell others would focus more on us helping her and less about the root of the initial problem, the merchant. The system is in place to promote growth and development both to the community and to the individual. The customer brows in determination and assertiveness while the vendor learns to be more humble and provide better service and a superior product. Individual growth is fostered by trials and difficulty. The system makes itself stronger. The difficult part is determining capability versus willingness. If a Pony is incapable of doing something, others should provide assistance, where as if a Pony is unwilling to do something, others should give them instruction or perhaps an example to follow. In either case personal growth is attained. Come on, Applejack's stall is over here." I followed her, thinking about what she had said. She trotted up to a stand that was overflowing with apples of all kinds. Behind the stall was a cream-orange Earth Pony with a very long, blond mane and tail, both were tied up with ribbons. On her head was a hat that I would swear probably had a Stetson label somewhere in its history. Twilight approached her while Razor and I politely stood back. It suddenly occurred to me that the market had gone almost completely silent. I looked around and realized that literally every Kavim eye was locked onto me. Whether or not Razor was with me, my previous feelings came flooding back with interest. A white male Pegasus Pony stood out from all the rest. He was slathered in bulky muscle with bright red eyes and tiny wings. He was staring at me and not in a friendly way. The mark on his flank was of a set of dumbbells. Thinking fast, I came to a conclusion and swallowed hard. I let go of Razor and walked up to him slowly. The Kavim around him backed away, but the big guy only widened his stance and lowered his head. He was one intimidating dude. Palms sweating, I knelt down in front of him and extended my right hand, smiling as warmly as I could. At eye level, he was even more intimidating. He looked like he could just sit on me and kill me. He slowly raised his head and took my offered hand with his right fore hoof. He had one HELL of a shake. His muzzle split into a half-grim, half-glare as he withdrew his hoof. I honestly didn't know what to do, so I decided to try talking. "Hello, I am Artex Rias." I said quietly. "Kurn Somlin." he said simply. I had no idea what he said, but I nodded anyway and replied, "I will . . . meet you . . . more . . . at . . . different . . . time." I stood up and inclined my head respectfully. "YYYYYEEEEEAAAAAHHHHH!" he bellowed. I turned and walked away muttering to myself, "Rather enthusiastic chap, isn't he." Apparently the scene had caught Twilight and Applejack's attention. They were looking at me very oddly. I had never seen Twilight face-hoof before. It was funny as hell. She motioned me over to the apple stall. Applejack was eyeballing me curiously. I stepped up to the stall and decided to try out one of my new words, "Hello Applejack, sirunalya to meet you." I immediately knew I had said something wrong because Applejack's ears went ram-rod straight up in the air, her eyes bulged, she pulled her head back, she was blushing furiously and looked upset at the same time, "Twilight," I said in American, "What did I just say? I was trying to say, 'pleasure to meet you'." Twilight was trying not to laugh, she was failing, "You said 'pleasure' all right, but you said 'sirunalya', what you meant to say was 'sirunala'." she snickered behind her right fore hoof, "You confused social pleasure with sexual pleasure." "Sirunala! Sirunala!" I said quickly, waving my hands, "I am so, so, so, so, so, . . . sorry, Applejack." Applejack shot me a very unsure smirk, but at least she didn't attack me, "Emooluh." she began. As she continued to speak I recognized she had an accent. Not just any accent either, she had an honest to God southern drawl. I was fortunate enough to be able to make out most of what she was saying. "Yall need tuh be right careful with how ya say things. If Twilight here hadn't explained you were just learnin' tuh talkk, Ah'd have done gone an' kicked ya into next year. Heh, better not make a slip like that round Mhirhain Koven, she don't have the kind o' restraint Ah do." I held up a finger to stop her and turned to Twilight, "Mhirhain Koven?" I asked. "Rainbow Dash." Twilight said simply. I nodded and turned back to Applejack, "I'm sorry, please continue." I said smoothly, 'Hey, that sounded pretty damn good.' Applejack nodded with a smile, she seemed to understand, "Ain't no problem keetilopot." I processed the compound word carefully, 'Keetil means sugar and opot means a shape . . . uh . . . cube! Aha! Keetilopot means 'sugar-cube'.' I decided to try my luck with making a purchase, there were some gala-type apples that looked really good; I cleared my throat, "May I purchase . . . single apples . . . bushel?" Applejack nodded her head in understanding, "It's 'may Ah purchase a bushel o' apples', or 'Ah'd like to buy a bushel o' apples'." I took a moment to dedicate the tenses and variations to memory the tried again, "I'd like to . . . buy a . . . bushel of apples . . . please Applejack." Applejack smiled and tilted her hat back with her left fore hoof, "That was pretty good there sugar-cube. Here's a bushel, plus one more fer creativity." she bit down on the handle of a bushel basket of gala apples and added one to the top; setting the basket down on the surface of her stall she spoke again, "Has Twilight taught ya about ciercerie yet?" I turned to Twilight again, "Ciercerie?" it sounded a bit like the word sorcery. "Haggling." Twilight said. I turned back to Applejack and said, "No." Applejack continued, "Well you'll always get a fair deal from me, but there's plenty o' folks who would love nothin' better than to gatenfulik ya." I held up my finger again and turned to Twilight, "Gatenfulik?" "Overcharge." Twilight said. I turned back to Applejack, "Most o' the vendors have signs up with prices listed tuh let yall know the standard cost, but sometimes they'll charge ya more if yall seem junclen or if ya look putyanz or if ya don't have no sungetarut spine." I held up my finger again and turned to Twilight, "Junclen? Putyanz? Sungetarut?" "Junclen means desperate, putyanz means gullible, and sungetarut means proverbial, or that's the closest translation." Twilight said. I turned back to Applejack, "Anyway, if'n they claim the price is more than what's posted then yall can either pay what the vendor says, or yall can try to haggle out a deal. There's plenty o' ways to haggle so ya gotta find one that'll work best for ya. Now, Ah can point out some o' the vendors who'll give ya a fair price . . . " she began singling out various vendors while explaining what they sold, even if they were direct competition for her. After she finished explaining, I couldn't help but to comment, "You are very . . . honest. I . . . respect honest." Applejack smiled and tipped her hat, "Thanks sugar-cube. Now if'n you'll excuse me, Ah got some customers tuh serve." I stepped off to the right of her stall but Twilight approached her again, "Crash wants to get some exercise. Would it be alright if he went to your farm to help you out a couple of days every week?" "Sure thing Twilight." Applejack said enthusiastically, "It'll give him a chance to earn some bits and we'll feed him too. Just have him at the farm by dawn." * * * Twilight led us out of the market about an hour later. My mind was overflowing with information. She had explained about their money and I was still trying to wrap my head around it. Apparently the basis for the Kavim system of currency was centered on the number 8, but the most commonly used coin was called a 'bit'. I had asked Twilight to show me how the system worked. I passed her my 'bit purse' as they are apparently called. She selected out a bit, a 'piece of eight' a 'sixteen piece' a 'thirty-two piece' a 'sixty-four piece' and a 'one hundred and twenty-eight piece'. Once she said 'piece of eight' I made the connection. The 'piece of eight' was an old term for a type of Spanish currency, it was also known as Pirate money. I remembered the old rhyme too, 'in a piece of eight, eight pieces fit, every piece is called a bit, half of a piece is four bits, and half of a half is called two bits' which is where the old saying 'shave and a hair cut, two bits' came from. I couldn't believe it, their entire system of currency was run on a series of exponents. The fact that their most common unit of currency was the bit was also amusing as a pun, 'bit and bridle' ha, lol. We had stopped to put the apples into my bag while Twilight carried all the other purchases. Our lavender Alicorn guide said the next one of her friends we were to meet was Celipunirea or Rarity. Hell of a difference in translation. The building we were heading toward should have been straight out of Mary Poppins. It had to stand at least three stories tall and it was round. It was liberally covered in arches, pillars, and buttresses in a series of colors that would have clashed horrible had they not been in the proper order. Twilight walked right up ad opened the door. A bell above the door rang in a cheerful tone. Razor and I followed Twilight inside. I had to watch my head. The highest part of the door, I could fit through, but any other part of the arch, except the apex would have given me a nasty bump. Fortunately, the ceilings were tall enough for me to stand completely erect, though my buddy Calvin would have had to crouch the whole time. Spike seemed elated to be there, why I couldn't imagine. I took notice of the substantial number of Kavim shaped mannequins as well as the brilliantly colorful array of pseudo-dresses adorning each one. Rarity could only be the seamstress Celestia spoke of. A melodious, crystalline voice echoed from an out-of-sight room in the back of the shop, "Just a moment." Twilight quickly turned to Razor and I, "I'm going to go talk to her before she meets you. She can be a bit dramatic and I could see her freaking out the first time she sees you." Twilight headed into the back of the building, through an open doorway. I heard the seamstress talking to Twilight so I decided to listen in on the conversation. "Twilight? I wasn't aeruvain to see you today, not that I mind, of course. So what is it that brings you by?" I took an educated guess that aeruvain meant expecting or anticipating, 'So noted.' I thought. "Well," Twilight continued uncertainly, "I have a tegharu to ask you. I have someone out front who needs several full sets of clothing." 'Tegharu means favor, I think.' I noted. "Not a problem girvena, I'm actually not very busy at the moment. Let me just grab my things and we'll go have a look." 'Girvena? Hmm, that one has me stumped. It's not friend, I already know that word. I wonder what it could be.' I pondered. "Before you do," Twilight said quickly, "He's not a Pony. He's . . . something that looks like a mostly hairless primate. And he's tall, really tall. He's also half starved, so try to give him room to fill out." Twilight said. ". . . You brought a giant, starving, naked, monkey in so I could make clothes for it? Twilight, girvena, are you feeling alright?" I heard Rarity ask. 'Monkey?' I thought sourly, 'So a monkey, am I? Well then, set phasers to 'dumb ape'.' I slumped my posture and rolled my shoulders forward, then plastered the most dense expression I could manage onto my face. To my left, Razor seemed to catch on. She nodded and tried to hide the smile that was threatening to break out on her face. "He's a HE not an it Rarity. He speaks, thinks, and feels just like we do. Princess Celestia asked me to help him learn Equestrian and he really does need clothes. He doesn't have fur like we do so he probably gets cold easily." Twilight said hotly. "Wait, so this giant . . . being is the one the Princess asked me to tutor in social skills he was . . . how did she put it? Ah yes, 'So deficient in refinement he may as well be a living version of a rock.' Oh dear, this may be more of a challenge than I originally thought. Very well then, let us go and meet this poor, ignorant oaf." Rarity said. 'A rock? Celestia compared me to a rock? . . . I am pretty crude . . . I'm smarter than a rock though. Rarity won't know that though.' I schemed. Out walked an ice white Unicorn mare who had a purple mane and tail. She was levitating a clip board next to her head. She rounded the corner and froze like a statue when she spotted me. Her pupils dilated for a brief moment before she regained her composure. I grinned inwardly, 'Showtime.' "Oh my," she breathed, "Well you did say he was tall. My is he ever tall . . . Twilight, girvena, why is wearing a bath towel?" Taking that as my cue, I slapped a hand against my chest as hard as I could, then let it flop limply to my side and took a deep breath, "ME GROG!" "Um Twilight, girvena, . . . how intelligent is he?" Rarity asked uneasily, "He's not dangerous is he?" The twinkle of mischief in Twilight's eyes said that she understood, "Just don't use magic on him." Encouraged by Twilight's subtle smirk, I decided to up the ante, "PRETTY!" I bellowed, taking several lumbering steps toward Rarity with my arms outstretched. "Don't move Rarity!" Twilight said quickly, "You'll only entice him to chase you! Freeze!" the lavender Alicorn shot me a wink. Rarity froze in place with her right fore hoof lifted off the ground. I strode up to her menacingly and she closed her eyes. I knelt down, took her hoof and kissed it gently, I had no idea if that custom was practiced by Kavim, but it seemed like a good idea, "A pleasure to meet you Rarity." I said smoothly. Rarity's eyes popped open, her face betraying what I guessed was total and complete surprise as she blinked five times in rapid succession. Meanwhile Twilight and Razor were practically rolling on the floor laughing. For some reason I couldn't guess, Spike looked royally pissed. "I apologize Rarity." I said, trying to keep my own merriment under control, I turned to Twilight and asked in American, "What does girvena mean?" "Dear one or darling. Darling would be closer." Twilight said. I turned back to Rarity, "I do not speak . . . good yet." Rarity finally seemed to snap out of her shock, "Well you certainly did give me a davzheroff darling. You seem to already know my name, but I'm afraid you have me at a quendharu." "Davzeheroff and quendharu?" I asked Twilight. "Fright and disadvantage." Twilight said. I nodded in understanding, "I am Artex Rias." I said performing an eloquent bow. "It's a pleasure to meet you Crash. Now, Twilight mentioned that you needed clothing. what types of clothing do you require?" I knew my vocabulary was not sufficient enough to effectively tell Rarity what I needed, "May I . . . draw the clothes I need?" I asked. Rarity looked reluctant but she levitated the clip board over to in front of me. I held out my hands to catch it, but Rarity didn't relinquish her hold of it. "Are you going to take it, darling?" Rarity asked. "He can't." Razor said quickly, "If he were to touch it with his paws, your magic would break and it's really painful. Trust me, he's trying not to hurt you." "Oh." Rarity dropped the clip board into my hands, "So . . . what colors do you want?" "Brown, forest green, tan, and gold." my knowledge of colors was spot on and the words flowed out of me like water, I was feeling quite proud of myself. * * * About an hour later, we were finally able to leave. Rarity had to take measurements from me and some of them were awkward to say the least. She had to measure my inseam and let me tell you, that was embarrassing as hell. I had to wrap the towel around my crotch as tightly as I could, unfortunately the outline of 'me' through the relatively thin fabric of the towel left NOTHING to the imagination. To her credit, Rarity was the epitome of professional. She made no jokes, she didn't blush, she just went on about her business like it was a normal occurrence. Once I gave the matter some thought, it did make sense. Kavim don't normally wear clothes at all so any time Rarity has an order for any male, she has to take identical measurements of their 'undercarriage' so she was likely non-pulsed by the situation. That line of thought combined with the fact that I was walking behind Twilight made me idly curious about certain Kavim anatomy. Their tails didn't cover that much and I figured that if I put any effort into it I could probably see 'everything'. However, I reigned in my curiosity, 'If I'm going to be around them all the time I shouldn't get into the habit of looking, besides I wouldn't want any of them staring up my kilt.' I had absolutely no concerns about EVER being attracted to any of them. First off, I was married. Second, they looked enough like animals to make those kinds of thoughts squirm. Third, even if the first two were nullified, I'm a 'tail male' and a 'boob man', 'I loves me some breasts, titties, jugs, gourds, bouncing Buddhas, fun bags, love pillows, lung protectors, midget's earmuffs, frost detectors . . . heh, boobs. And ass, mmmmm aaass.' "Our next stop is Sugar Cube Corner where Kennili Irmneniara works and lives." Twilight said as we walked out of Raritiy's shop and back toward the library, she turned toward me and explained in American, "That's Pinkie Pie in your language. Just so you know, Pinkie can be . . . tends to act . . . is constantly very hyper, energetic, animated, and vivacious. She is a bit overwhelming at first but she means well. Please try to be patient with her and don't feel bad if you can't keep up with how fast she talks. Even I can't keep up with her all the time." 'Way to boost my confidence Twilight.' I thought. We were heading toward a building that looked exactly like an honest to God gingerbread house . . . shop. I was genuinely tempted to try chewing on the siding but I decided to refrain. I was still making Kavim stop and stare everywhere I went, but I was no longer fearing a random attack. Twilight led up up to the shop and went inside before I could get the door for her, which made me feel like I was falling down on the job. Razor and I followed Twilight into the confectionery. The inside smelled so good, I could only describe the smell as divine. I took one look at the glass display case and began salivate but a sudden and overwhelming silence brought my attention screaming back to the present. More than nine pairs of huge eyes were silently fixated on me. I immediately felt as out of place as a pork chop at a kosher wedding, or a milk bucket under a bull. I slowly raised my right hand and waved in as friendly a manner as I could. The only response I received was every one of those eyes blinking in unison. It was so quiet I could hear, could actually HEAR them blink. I felt like I was in a bad cartoon. I had no idea how to proceed. In the time it took me to blink, I realized I was suddenly staring right into a pair of huge, bright blue eyes. Startled, I took a step back and examined the new Kavim. She was PINK. Pink covered every inch of her body, mane, and tail. Bright, blaring, loud pink, so pink it almost hurt to look at her. She was an Earth Pony and boy, did she ever look excited. I averted my eyes and focused on Twilight, "Pinkie Pie?" Twilight nodded, "Pinkie Pie." I looked back down to the embodiment of all things pink and extended my hand, "Artex Rias, pleasure to meet you. You are Pinkie Pie?" , 'Hey, that came out really well. Way to go Crash . . . Dan. Give yourself a pat on the back' Pinkie was shaking as if she was ready to explode. She let loose a loud squeal and leaped into the air, higher than any Kavim had a right to. She landed and began chattering away with such vociferous speed I could imagine her speed-rapping without a problem. She suddenly grasped my right hand and shook it vigorously. She stopped shaking suddenly and held up her right fore hoof curiously. I followed her eyes and saw a small circular device strapped to her hoof that rather resembled an electric joy buzzer. She frowned at the device and gave it a shake, I thought she looked puzzled. 'Oh so she's a prankster eh.' I knelt down, trying to be nice, and held out my hand, asking with my movement if I could see the buzzer. Pinkie slipped it off and dropped it into my hand. "Wait! Don't touch it!" Twilight yelled, "It's a . . . " *POP-FIZZLE* The small contraption began smoking as soon as the skin of my hands touched it. It popped and fizzled then smoked and began to melt. I dropped the thing with a yelp and stood up and backed away. We watched as the metal outside of the thing melted imto the wood grain on the floor. "I'm sorry!" I cringed, then turned to Twilight, "What just happened?" The lavender Alicorn shook her head, "That model of joy buzzer runs off a Pony's magic. They're supposed to be all but indestructible. We need to run some tests on you. That kind of ability is incredibly powerful. I turned back to Pinkie, "I'm sorry . . . about . . . device. Friends?" With a loud cry of, "Heef!" she leaped up and wrapped her fore hooves around my neck. She caught me by surprise, and by God she's strong, in a big bear-hug. I didn't shift my weight and balance quickly enough. I toppled over onto the floor in what would normally been one of my frequent face-plants, but Pinkie held onto me gamely and took my weight to her body as we hit the floor. As we fell I was worried that I might hurt her, but when we hit, the only thing she did was squeak like a dog's chew toy. She let go of my head and giggled. I pushed myself off of her and looked down to extend my hand and help her up, but by some strange laws of physics, she was not only already standing but was standing to my right and she was holding out a cupcake toward me. The cupcake was seemingly perfectly balanced on the millions of tiny hairs that made up her hoof. I wasn't much of a sweets person, but I didn't want to make her feel like I was rejecting anything so I accepted the cupcake. I unwrapped it and took a bite, mostly to please her. I hoped it wasn't too sweet because of my hyper-sensitivity to sugar. Things that were too sweet tended to make me queasy. Well, I quickly took a bite, chewed, and swallowed and then the taste bit me, 'Oh dear GOD!' it was loaded with so much sugar that I was not only queasy but I could feel the chewed cupcake coming back up, and coming quickly. I looked around in a near panic and spotted a door at the opposite end of the confectionery that had the symbol for a Kavim bathroom. Keeping the cupcake in my right hand I bolted across the floor, bounded over a gray Pegasus mare who was enjoying a muffin with gusto, and yanked open the bathroom door with my left hand. My eyes went straight to the sink in the bathroom and I ignored everything else. Spotting a trash can, I yanked the door closed and fell to my knees, just in time for the first heave to overtake me. My eyes watered profusely as the vomit practically exploded out of my mouth and nose. It burned my entire throat and sinus cavity like fire. I tried to draw in a breath but ended up choking on my own vomit as a second heave hit me. My body reflexively gasped, taking more vomit into my lungs. I coughed and yelled as a third, longer heave hit me. I was dizzy, gasping for air, had a splitting headache, choking, and I had tears streaming down my face as my throat and nasal cavity kept burning from tje residual stomach acid. I can honestly say that I wasn't exactly feeling 100% at that moment. I lifted my head from the trash can and leaned on the edge of the sink. I reached up and turned on the water then shoved my head beneath the cool, refreshing flow. I inhaled some water on purpose to rinse the acid out of my nose, then took several long, deep gulps. I stayed in that position for well over a full minute and it was during that time that I came to a realization, 'There's someone rubbing my back.' the realization only made me feel worse, 'Great, I just walked in and threw up while some poor Kavim was using the toilet. You know, just once in my crazy assed life, I wish I could make a good first impression. The two Kavim who gave me the blanket on the mountain-side , I was creepy, ugly, naked, fat guy. I found the family of four Kavim before I went into my coma, I was injured, smelly, ugly, naked, fat guy. I met Razor for the first time, I was bleeding, skinny, naked, deformed guy sitting on the bathroom floor. I meet Princess Celestia, I was the skinny, naked, deformed guy who saw eternity in her eyes. I meet Twilight, I was skinny, deformed, half-naked, tall, ass-hole who hurt her. I meet Applejack, I was skinny, deformed, half-naked freak who said it was a sexual pleasure to meet her. I meet Rarity, I was the stupid, starving, naked, giant monkey. I met Pinkie, I was the . . . oi, I think that one was the worst. Well I have two more of Twilight's friends to meet. Hopefully I won't screw myself over for ONE of them.' I tried to remember what I saw when I opened the door, 'I think there was a flash of yellow and pink but I wasn't really paying attention right then. I guess I should try to minimize the damage. At least this Kavim is nice enough to feel bad for me. That's well more than I could expect from most Humans.' Needless to say, I felt horrible. "I'm so, so sorry. I feel . . . terrible for when I disturb you." my Velensovth was broken right then. A soft, musical voice responded behind me, "There, there, you just had to get rid of something nasty." 'Damn she's nice.' I raised my head and turned to her, "Thank you, miss . . . " The bathroom door opened and I heard Twilight say, "Fluttershy?" 'Fuck . . . my . . . life.' I scooted the trash can away from me, 'Terrific, make that ONE more friend to make a good impression on.' I thought morosely. I shakily rose to my feet and dropped the squished remains of the cupcake into the vomit-can with a wet 'squelching' sound. I turned around and saw a custard yellow Pegasus mare with a Pepto Bismol pink mane and tail, both of which were luxuriously long. She was the first Kavim that I could say was cute. She was cute in the 'adorable innocent' kind of way. I shakily held out my left hand and held the door for her. She left first and I followed her. Razor Wit trotted right up to me wearing what I was certain was a concerned expression, I held up my hands, "Toward sugar." "Rorsan means too much or excessive." Twilight said. "Rorsan keetil." 'Too much sugar.' I corrected. I didn't even have to look for Pinkie. She was standing right next to Twilight and she looked absolutely crushed. "What word would I use if I wanted to say 'sensitive'?" I asked Twilight in American. "Zellum." she said, "It literally means sensitive." "Ganden zellum raa keetil." I said to Pinkie. The pink mare's expression changed from crushed to what seemed to be more along the lines of sympathetic, "I'll make you something with less sugar." she said slowly. I could see Twilight had talked to her while I was busy puking my guts out. * * * Fortunately enough, Pinkie was willing to let me select an item from the display case. Since I had little trouble reading Velensovth I quickly zeroed in on a slice of pumpkin bread, without frosting. Pinkie Pie ended up shoving the entire loaf into my arms as an apology. I told her that it really wasn't necessary but she was insistent. We walked out of Sugar Cube Corner, in retrospect it was a perfect name in every regard, and back out into the light of day. We headed East, if the sun was any indicator and just walked out of Ponyville. We were following a dirt path walking through a flat meadow filled with wild flowers. I was only set to meet one last friend of Twilight and I was playing out every possible scenario in my head, 'O.K. Rainbow Dash is a Pegasus athlete. Most athletes are well-toned, so don't piss her off or she'll kick your ass. They also tend to be very confident and oftentimes braggadocios, so just let her talk about herself. Don't do anything to offend her, be patient, be polite . . . ' my internal monologue came to a screeching halt as I bumped right into Twilight's flank. The worst part was that, due to the fact that I was top-heavy because of my shoulder bag, I fell right over onto her back. Fortunately Spike was quick enough to jump off so I didn't crush the poor guy, but in a reflexive action, I grabbed for something, anything to hold onto for balance. Unfortunately, the only thing that came to hand was Twilight's mane. She braced her legs, quadrupeds have remarkable balance and stability, and I stopped falling since I was pressed up against her flank. Without thinking, still operating on pure reflex, I tried to stand up, but did not realize I was pulling on Twilight's mane in the process. I ended up pulling her head back, which that, coupled with the fact that I bumped into her suddenly, made her scream in a very girly fashion. Her wings unfurled and she flapped them wildly out of sync, still screaming. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Razor and Spike tugging on my shoulder bag, trying to help pull me back on balance. My brain switched back on and I realized I was pulling on a powerful Alicorn Princess's mane. I was just about to let go when the most impossibly powerful force barreled right into my left side, just below the ribs, and knocked the wind out of me. I felt the sensation of flying and I had to admit, it was exhilarating. I instinctively grabbed onto whatever it was that was accelerating me through the air and we suddenly dropped like a rock while the thing that was latched onto me squawked loudly. I had half a second to look down and lock eyes with the irate pink orbs of a cyan Pegasus who just HAD to have a multicolored mane and tail. The world seemed to slow down but my mind was going its own direction, 'She tackled me? Why did she tackle me? I mean this is obviously Rainbow Dash but why assault me?' and all of the sudden, it dawned on me, 'I was bent half way over Twilight with my front against her back, I was pulling on her mane, she was screaming . . . to an un-informed observer . . . oh GOD! It looked like I was trying to MOUNT HER!' As the ground closed in I had only one thought, 'Worst . . . day . . . ever.' * * * "Well the good news is that he doesn't have any broken bones." the doctor said, "But there does seem to be some swelling in his kidney, stomach and . . . " The doctor was cut off by Twilight, "So is he free to go?" she was not in a good mood. "I'm right here." I said moodily from the hospital bed. Twilight, Spike, and Razor Wit all had to team up to get Rainbow Dash off me. I silently thanked my lucky stars that the athletic Pegasus mare was specifically trying not to hurt me, she was just trying to dislodge me. She had felt terrible when Razor explained what happened and she had been insistent on staying with me until I was released. I fervently hoped it would be soon because her constant apologies was getting old. Twilight had exhausted herself by teleporting us to the hospital and was in a foul mood, while Spike just sat on the edge of my bed like a little brother, and Razor lay on the floor on my right, almost as if trying to protect her exceptionally fragile charge. Rainbow Dash had been hovering over my bed since the doctor had put me there and kept examining me for more bruises. Honestly I wasn't really upset with her, she was just trying to protect her friend. By some miracle, everything in my shoulder bag had gone through the whole affair without any damage. "He's free to go, just make sure he drinks plenty of liquids and if any more bruises develop keep an eye on them and bring him right back if he becomes sick." the doctor finished. I happily threw off the white sheet and rose to my feet, "Let's get out of here." I turned to Rainbow Dash, "And for the last time, I'm not upset with you." I began limping toward the door, "Besides," I said grasping the lever, "I hate hospitals."