//------------------------------// // Asperity // Story: The Diamond Exchange // by angelbunny //------------------------------// Morning had come to Ponyville and Silver Spoon awoke feeling very well rested. It was the proverbial calm before the storm, however, for a wave of uneasiness overtook her as she remembered the failed kiss attempt from last night. Her stomach churned at the knowledge that she was not the only pony in her bed. The time to account for her actions was now upon her. She turned slowly and looked at Diamond Tiara. The pink filly was awake and appeared to be engrossed in reading her storybook. Silver Spoon gulped as she desperately sought for the courage she knew she didn’t have. “G-Good morning, Diamond Tiara,” she stammered. “Good morning, Silver Spoon,” said Diamond Tiara, not bothering to look away from her book as she replied. “Um... sooooo... about last night...” “What about it?” “You know.” “Oh, I know. I just want to see if you know. “You... caught me... trying to... k-kiss you.” She could feel her face getting warmer. “That’s right. What do you have to say for yourself?” “I’m sorry. You looked so beautiful and I couldn’t help myself. It was wrong of me to try to do that.” “Hmm. I do look beautiful so I won’t argue that point.” “So you’re not mad at me?” “I didn’t say that.” Silver Spoon groaned and hid her head underneath the covers. Diamond Tiara put down her book, lifted the covers to expose her friend’s face and glared at her. “First things first,” said Diamond Tiara. “How many times have you kissed me in my sleep before now?” “Well, I... did kiss you on the forehead.” “I knew about that. That’s what woke me up. I don’t care about a forehead kiss, though; I’m talking about a mouth to mouth kiss.” “Last night was the first and only time I’ve tried it.” Diamond Tiara narrowed her eyes at Silver Spoon to grill any possible concealment of the truth. “Di, I swear to Celestia that I’ve never kissed you before! Honest!” “Okay. I believe you. But just because you’ve never kissed me before doesn’t mean you’re off the hook . If your bed wasn’t so hoofing comfortable, I would have packed up last night and left for home right then and there.” “It is pretty soft, isn-” “I’m talking here,” shot Diamond Tiara. Silver Spoon silenced herself and sank meekly back under the covers. “I am very disappointed in you, Silver Spoon. But you’ve been punished so all that’s left to do is to forgive you. And I do.” Silver Spoon came back out from beneath her covers with a wide smile. “Oh, thank you!” she said. “I promise that... wait... did you say punished?” “I did.” “When was this?” “Last night.” “I don’t remember any punishment.” “You wouldn’t. You were asleep when it took place.” “When what took place? What did you do?” Diamond Tiara replied with an evil grin. “I’m not telling you. That’s the beauty of your punishment. But, hey, we’re good now; that’s the important thing.” She picked up her storybook and started reading it again. “So – when’s breakfast?” “Hang on a second,” said Silver Spoon. “How do I know that we’re good if you’re the only one who knows what it was that you did? How do I know that you didn’t do something worse?” “You don’t. You’ll just have to trust me.” Silver Spoon could trust Diamond Tiara. She trusted that she could exact revenge like nopony else on earth. Her mind raced with all sorts of horrible things that Diamond Tiara could have done to her property in order to get even. She looked up, down, left and right for some clue as to what her punishment was. “Did you dip my toothbrush in the toilet?” asked Silver Spoon. “Not tell-innng,” sang Diamond Tiara as she grinned and stared at the ceiling. “Did you leave manure under my bed?” “Oh-my-Celestia,” scoffed Diamond Tiara as she turned her head to look at Silver Spoon. “You did not just ask me that. Do you really think that I’d do something as nasty as crawl under your bed, pinch a loaf and then go back to sleep above my own stinking turd?” Silver Spoon sputtered and snickered with laughter. Potty humor shouldn’t have made a filly her age laugh so much – but it did. Diamond Tiara got a mild chuckle out of it as well. When the laughter stopped, Silver Spoon hopped off the bed and checked underneath it. “And she looks anyway,” said Diamond Tiara as she rolled her eyes. As Silver Spoon stood back on all fours, she placed her right forehoof against her neck and gasped from finding that it was bare. “AHH! My pearls are gone!” she sputtered. “That’s what you did; you swiped my pearls!” “You mean these pearls?” Diamond Tiara pointed a forehoof at the nightstand. “Lying where you left them on your nightstand? Where they’ve been all night and where they still are?” “Oh.” “Why are nightstands are called ‘nightstands’ anyway? They don’t stop standing during daylight hours.” “Did youuuuu... shove carrot sticks up my nostrils and take a photo to print in the Foal Free Press?” “Not telling.” “Did you rip open my Princess Twilight Sparkle massaging body pillow?” “Still not tel- Wait... you have one of those? Can I see it? Where is it? Where’d you get it?” “I ordered it from- Don’t change the subject! Tell me what you did!” “No.” “Tell me, tell me, tell meeee!” “No, no and no.” “Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeease?” “Would you look at that? Somepony finally remembered the magic word.” “So you’ll tell me?” “No. Now stop asking me.” Silver Spoon’s eyes watered as her lip quivered. She reared her head back and bawled, causing fountains of tears to burst outward from her eyes. “You’re crying over something you want but can’t get?” asked Diamond Tiara. “Who do you think you’re dealing with? I wrote the book on that technique and the last pony on earth that it would work on is me.” Silver Spoon buried herself back under her covers. “How could you be so mean to your best friend?” she asked. “I’m not being mean. I wrote the book on that, too. Mean. Adjective. Being treated badly when said treatment is undeserved. You knowingly crossed a line and this is your punishment. You deserve it. Be smart. Accept it, learn from your mistake and move on. As far as I’m concerned, you’re getting off light.” “I was only gonna kiss you.” “Uh, yeah; without my consent! I told you once that I respected your orientation because it was your business. When you make it my business against my wishes, that’s disrespectful.” “But... you were all over me yesterday when you wanted me to help you with the garbage bag.” “That was just teasing. Who cares if I was all over you? Surely not you. You’re the one who wants me all over you. It’s in line with your orientation. You all over me? Not so much.” “Yeah, well, don’t do it again.” “That goes double for you, Kissy McStealasmooch. Plus... and this is just one minor difference... you were wide awake when I was all over you.” “This punishment is still unfair. My kiss didn’t even connect. I’m doing the time without having committed the actual crime.” “It would have connected if I hadn’t stopped you. And you’re lucky that you were only caught in the act or I might not be so nice about it.” Silver Spoon shot up out of her covers, her face damp with tear trails. “You call this nice? Not knowing what you did to punish me is gonna haunt me day and night!” “Well, duh. That’s kind of the idea.” "Are you ever gonna tell me what you did?” “Nope.” “Am I ever gonna find out on my own?” “Nope.” “Oh, come onnnnnnnn. It’s not like I tried to slit your throat.” “I might have preferred that, given the choice.” “Oh, thanks, Diamond,” growled Silver Spoon, closing her eyes and turning her head away. “You’d rather bleed to death than be kissed by me. That’s nice.” “Don’t be such a drama queen. It’s not just you. I wouldn’t want any filly to kiss me. I wouldn’t even want most colts to kiss me... unless they’re cute. I would let Rumble kiss me... and Button. Well, maybe not Button... but I wouldn’t want anypony, cute or not, to kiss me without my consent!” “I said I was sorry but, again, it was just gonna be one teensy, weensy, little kiss.” “Am I talking to a brick wall here? Silver, I can’t believe that you’re still missing the point! I don’t exist for you to kiss whenever the mood strikes you! I’m an equine being with a mind and a will of my own and you acted with no regard for my right to choose for myself who gets my lips. I thought I could trust you with my body as I slept and you’ve betrayed that trust. I thought that our friendship meant more to you than that. How would you like it if some colt came up to you while you were sleeping and decided to stick his winky in your mouth?” Silver Spoon’s eyes shot open and she gasped. She turned her head to face Diamond Tiara and butted snouts with her, insulted by this grossly unbalanced hypothetical situation. “Those are two totally different things and you know it!” she shrieked as she pushed into her. “They’re exactly the same thing!” retorted Diamond Tiara as she pushed back. Silver Spoon reared her head back as she screamed her next words. “MY LIPS ARE NOT A WINKY IN THE MOUUUUUTH!!!” The sound of a stallion clearing his throat was at Silver Spoon’s front door – which happened to be wide open. Bertram, head butler of the Hoity Finish estate, stood in the doorway. Silver’s pupils narrowed to the size of marbles as her face turned bright red. “G-Good morning, Bertram,” squeaked Silver Spoon. “Good morning, Silver Spoon,” said Bertram, “Begging your pardon, but we’ve received word this morning that the schoolhouse will be closed until further notice.” “Oh... thank you, Bertram.” Bertram excused himself. Once he had left the room and Silver Spoon had closed the door, Diamond Tiara doubled over, rolled on her side and exploded with laughter. Her face was as red as Silver Spoon’s was from embarrassment. “Do you think he heard me?” asked Silver Spoon, covering her snout with her forehooves. Diamond Tiara was too preoccupied with laughing to answer her. After some sniffling and some moaning over her stomach pains, she was finally able to address the question. “I know he heard you!” said Diamond Tiara as she sniffled and wiped away tears. “Why do you think I was laughing so hard? Oh, Celestia, that was priceless.” A few residual giggles worked their way out of her body and she sighed. “Uuuugh. I have to see Bertram every day.” Silver Spoon collapsed on the mattress. “Somepony just kill me now.” “Silver Spoon?” “What is it now?” “Look, I can understand why you wanted to do what you did, all right? And I know that you can understand why I wouldn’t want you to do what you did. So let’s put this behind us, okay? To tell you the truth... I don’t enjoy yelling at you.” “That makes two of us.” “And please tell me that I can trust you not to try it ever again. I don’t want to stop coming over to your place for sleepovers because of one bad decision... but I will if that’s what it takes to protect myself. You’re my friend and I like you a lot... but only as a friend. Do I... Do we... have to worry about another advance from you in my sleep?” “No.” “I’m happy to hear that.” “Thanks for giving me a second chance. You really are the best friend a filly could ask for.” “And you’re the second best friend a filly could ask for.” Silver Spoon raised an eyebrow at Diamond Tiara. “Hey, you’re the one who called me the best. That means that your ranking has to be lower than mine, right?” “Tell me what you did.” “Not gonna happen. But if it makes things easier for you, I’ll do my best to make myself look less attractive the next time I sleep over.” “Puh-leeze. How could you, the most beautiful filly in all of Equestria, make herself less attractive?” Diamond Tiara held her chin and pondered the question. “Well... I could put on some glasses... maybe throw on a string of pearls... Oh, and I could even wear my mane in a braid. Pretty horrifying, wouldn’t you say?” Silver Spoon’s brow lowered and she smirked at Diamond Tiara who was clearly trying to get a rise out of her. “Why, you...” Silver Spoon turned her head, grabbed her pillow with her teeth and swung her head in the opposite direction, hitting Diamond Tiara right in the face with the pillow. Diamond Tiara giggled as she grabbed a pillow with which to defend herself from a second strike. Both girls spent the next minute flailing away at one another with their pillows, squealing and laughing as they chased each other on and off the bed. When they were both too winded to continue, they sat on the bed and caught their breath. “Kisses might not be on the menu,” said Diamond Tiara as she stretched out her forelegs. “But hugs are always served fresh daily.” Silver Spoon smiled “I’ll have one with extra squeeze.” The two friends hugged and Silver Spoon beamed as the forelegs of her ray of sunshine held her. “I see you read the same greeting card as I did,” noted Diamond Tiara. “Yeah,” said Silver Spoon with a grin. “I steal most of my best stuff from greeting cards.” “Like that anonymous Hearts and Hooves Day card you made for me last year that I thought was from Rumble at first?” Diamond Tiara released Silver Spoon and both fillies placed her forehooves back down on the bed. “I’ll never forget what it said on the inside: ‘If you became a flower, you’d still be my Heart’s Desire’.” Her eyes closed as she imagined the colt of her dreams professing his love for her. She rubbed her eyes with her forehooves. “That was the most beautiful line I’ve ever read in my life. It still chokes me up every time I say it out loud.” Silver Spoon’s grin melted from her face. “I... steal most of my best stuff from greeting cards,” she said in a hushed tone, “but that line didn’t come from a card.” “Oh, no? Where’d it come from?” Silver Spoon closed her eyes and sighed as her head lowered. She took Diamond Tiara’s right hoof into her own and placed it on her chest, over her heart. “Right here,” whispered Silver Spoon. Diamond Tiara cringed. The card of construction paper with the words of gold didn’t feature a line stolen from a mass produced greeting card as she believed but an original creation penned straight from Silver Spoon’s heart in order to reach her own. She swallowed and looked at Silver Spoon who still had her head down. She could see that her friend was still hurting from the rejection and she cursed herself for bringing up the card. By Diamond Tiara’s estimation, this had to be the most awkward moment she had ever experienced, one which she didn’t know how to end delicately. “Tell me what you did,” requested Silver Spoon. “Huh? Oh. No.” “Darn. I thought I broke you there for a minute.” She released Diamond Tiara’s hoof from her chest. “Hey, Di?” “Yeah?” “Have you ever heard of something called The Unspoken Wish? Or a pony named She Who Welcomes?” Diamond Tiara was relieved that the subject had changed. “No,” she replied. “What are they?” “That’s what I’d like to know.” “Where’d you hear about them?” “In the dream I had last night.” “How the hoof did you expect me to know about them? I’m not in your dreams.” “Don’t be so sure of that.” Diamond Tiara glared at Silver Spoon who was grinning as she gave her a sideways glance. Neither of them moved a muscle or said anything. Silver Spoon broke first by snorting with laughter. “Do you want me to go home?” asked Diamond Tiara with a smirk. “Because I can do that, you know. A filly can only take so much harassment.” “Oh, come on, I’m only messing with you. Stay here with me today. Please? See, magic word and everything. Tell you what; if you stay, I’ll bake you some fresh oatmeal cookies later... and if we have pink frosting, I’ll even-” “You’ll WHAT?” asked Diamond Tiara as she recoiled from Silver Spoon, seemingly out of horror. “I’ll... bake cookies?” “You... bake cookies... yourself?” “Sure I do. Why?” “EWWWW!!” “Hey, I make great cookies!” “I’m not ew-ing about that! Do you mean to tell me that you actually... labor... for your food? FOOD? Why on earth would you get your own hooves dirty with... ugh... ingredients? That’s what kitchen staff are for! Chefs prepare food, servants serve food and special ponies eat food! You’re messing with the natural order of things!” “Tchah! I’m a filly-fooler, remember? Like I care about the ‘natural order of things’.” “Baking your own cookies – next you’ll be telling me that you make your own bed.” “I do make my own bed.” Diamond Tiara dropped to her back and wriggled her legs continuously. “EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW-HEW-HEW!!!” Silver Spoon grinned as she watched Diamond Tiara throw a fit. “See, this is where you and I differ when it comes to being wealthy, Di. You like it when things are done for you. I like doing certain things myself because I don’t want to be treated like I can’t do them on my own. Besides, how sincere would my apology cookies be if the kitchen staff made them for you?” “Fine... but don’t expect me to help you make them.” “Fine, I won’t.” “Fine.” “Fine.” “Fine. But I should probably keep an eye on you. You know, just in case you try to kiss the oatmeal cookies while they’re baking.” “Ha. Ha. Ha. Very funny.” “But before we do anything, I’m gonna take a shower.” “Okay. I’ll take mine when you’re done. You know where the towels and stuff are, right?” Diamond Tiara nodded and walked to the bathroom door. When she reached it, she opened it and stood on her hind legs as she rested her chest against the doorway. “Oh, and you should know that I’ll be leaving the bathroom door unlocked.” “What for?” “Where’s the need to lock it? You’ve already shown me that you aren’t brave enough to do anything to me while I’m conscious.” She batted her bedroom eyes at Silver Spoon and rubbed her thigh against the doorway as she pouted with a duckface. “But if you think you’re filly enough to try... then you know where to find me.” As if on cue, one of the straps of Diamond Tiara’s camisole fell off her shoulder. Silver Spoon sneered at Diamond Tiara’s continued teasing and she snatched a pillow between her teeth before charging at Diamond Tiara who had turned tail and dashed inside the bathroom. Diamond Tiara quickly slammed the door behind her, narrowly avoiding getting hit by the pillow that Silver Spoon swung at her. As Silver Spoon caught her breath, she could hear her friend giggling behind the door – and she grinned. She heard the sound of running water hitting the tub floor and she walked back to the bed where she found Diamond Tiara’s storybook. She picked it up by the spine with her teeth, took a seat on the bed and began leafing through the pages. There was a knock at the door to her room and she hoped that it might be Bertram with a tray of breakfast in bed for two; Bertram was spontaneous that way. “Come in,” said Silver Spoon, putting the book down. The door opened and a familiar face poked through. “Good morning, Silver Spoon,” said Filthy Rich. “Oh! Good morning, Mr.Rich.” She was not physically attracted to males but she did admire Filthy Rich’s stallionly charm, stature and assertiveness – most likely because her own prissy father lacked those qualities. “Sorry I’m still in my PJs. How are you today, sir?” “I’ve been better. And you?” “Just fine, thank you. What can I do for you?” “Diamond Tiara left me a note saying that she’d be spending the night here. Is she still around?” “Yes, sir. She’s taking a shower.” “Silllll-verrrrrr,” teased Diamond Tiara from the bathroom. “I’m washing my hoo-hoooooo... and I’m thinking of you-hooooooo... and there’s room in this tub for TWO-HOOOOOOOOOO!!!” Filthy Rich and Silver Spoon looked at the door and then at each other and chuckled. “I see that she’s feeling silly today. Anyway, I take it that you’ve heard that the schoolhouse is closed?” “Yes, sir. I uh... I can guess why.” “Yes, well, you should take a shower yourself if you haven’t done so already. And you’ll want to put on some formal attire. Your father and I will be taking both of you out for breakfast and then we’ll be due at the Ponyville Courthouse in about three hours.” “Hey, Silver!” cried Diamond Tiara from behind the door. “Your body wash reminds me of you. It’s so silvery and... and spoony. It’s like I’m rubbing a liquid version of you on my body – all over my body. Mrahhhhh....” Silver Spoon would have laughed at Diamond Tiara’s antics had Filthy Rich’s words not instilled her with fear. “The Ponyville Courthouse?” she asked. “Why, yes,” said Filthy Rich. “We’ll be going to your arraignment. There are criminal charges against you and Diamond Tiara that need addressing. You seem surprised. Weren’t you told about it?” “No, I wasn’t... but... about the charge; is it... murder?” “No, darling, the charge is reckless equicide.” Silver Spoon gulped. Hearing the official charge wasn’t pleasant but she was relieved that it wasn’t murder – which had a more ominous sound to it. “Is there a chance that Diamond and I could... go to jail?” asked Silver Spoon. “Don’t you worry your pretty little head, Silver Spoon. This won’t go to trial. Your father and I have procured the services of the finest defense attorney in all of Equestria.” “Oh. I see. Mr.Rich?” “Yes, Silver Spoon?” “May I please ask you a personal question, sir?” “You certainly may. My goodness, Silver Spoon, you are, without a doubt, the most polite little filly I’ve ever met. It’s a rare thing for a foal to be so well mannered.” “Oh....” said Diamond Tiara from the bathroom. “Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... Silver Spoon... I’m going to marry your shower head. I hope that’s okay with you. I want to grow old with the last setting on the right.” Silver Spoon and Filthy Rich’s eyes met again. “She’s nuts,” said Silver Spoon, smiling nervously. “And this is news to me how, exactly?” said Filthy Rich with a smile. “My question is – where is Diamond Tiara’s mother?” Filthy Rich flinched as his polite smile drained from his face. The moment Silver Spoon had finished asking her question, she could tell that she had caught Filthy Rich off guard with it. She was about to apologize for upsetting him when the bathroom door opened and Diamond Tiara came out with a towel around her mane and another towel wrapped around her body. “I’ve got to hoof it to you, Silver Spoon,” she said. “I teased you with everything but the bathroom sink and you still didn’t come-” Diamond Tiara’s jaw dropped as she saw her father standing in Silver Spoon’s room. “-in. Hi there... dad.” “Hey, Princess,” said Filthy Rich. “I’ll be waiting downstairs in the stagecoach with Mr. Toity. When you’re ready, we’ll stop off at home so you can pick out a nice dress to wear, okay?” “A dress? What for?” “Silver Spoon will fill you in. I’ll be outside.” As she watched Filthy Rich leave, her mind drifted. What was the secret of the mare who brought Diamond Tiara into this world? “Was he here when I was yelling out all that stupid stuff to you?” asked Diamond Tiara. “Mm-hm,” said Silver Spoon with a nod as her gaze never left the door. Diamond Tiara facehoofed. “I suppose you think I had this coming, huh? To get me back for laughing at you embarrassing yourself in front of your butler?” Silver Spoon shook herself out of her daze and marched toward the bathroom door to take her own shower. “Never mind that,” she said. “Your cookies will have to wait. You and I have a date with a lawyer today... and, after that, a judge.”