//------------------------------// // Illegality // Story: The Diamond Exchange // by angelbunny //------------------------------// Silver Spoon found herself in a strange room with at least fifty other ponies, all of them seated. She identified it as a courtroom but had no recollection of how or when she got here. Judge Lady Justice sat before them at the bench and her ears perked up as the twelve jurors entered the courtroom and took their seats. Silver Spoon recognized Princess Twilight Sparkle, Pinkie Pie, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Fluttershy and DJ PON-3 but the other five were either ponies she didn’t recognize or ponies she had seen around town but had never actually met. “Have you reached a verdict?” asked Lady Justice. Silver Spoon wondered who was about to be judged. “We have, Your Honor,” said Twilight Sparkle. “We, the jury, find the defendant, Silver Spoon, not guilty of the charge of first degree murder.” Holy manure, this is my trial! thought Silver Spoon. The shock of finding herself as the defendant was considerable but since the verdict was in her favor, she calmed herself. “Silver Spoon,” said Lady Justice, “you have been found not guilty and you may leave this court a free filly.” “Not so fast!” said a voice. Everypony turned their heads to see who had spoken. It was Diamond Tiara. She was wearing a kerchief around her mane, sunglasses and a tan raincoat. “This filly has another charge to answer for: attempted sexual assault!” A collective gasp seized the courtroom. Silver Spoon grimaced at the accusation. Was Diamond Tiara really pressing charges for the kiss when it didn’t even happen? “Hiiiiiiiii, Princess Twiliiiiiiight!” yelled Diamond Tiara, waving at her favorite alicorn. Twilight pretended to ignore her. “Did you get my letter? Huh? Did you? Huh?” “Which... one?” asked Twilight, not really wanting an answer. “The one where you asked me for a lock of my mane?” “No, the most recent one. In it, I asked if you read my other two hundred and forty seven letters... but since you brought it up, could I have a lock of your mane?” “Your Honor? I’d like to request a restraining order.” “Take care of that on your own time, Princess,” said Lady Justice. “Court is in session. Diamond Tiara, you may take the witness stand.” “Sure, Your Honor,” said Diamond Tiara as she removed her sunglasses. “Where do you want me to take it?” Pinkie Pie had a drum kit set up in the jury box and she hit a rimshot to punctuate Diamond Tiara’s pun. Lady Justice took her gavel in her mouth and struck the base three times before putting the gavel down. “Guh... I wish doing that didn’t hurt my teeth so much,” remarked Lady Justice as she winced and placed her right forehoof along the right side her jaw. “Let it be known that tired courtroom-themed puns, one-liners, innuendos and hitting rimshots to punctuate said puns, one-liners or innuendos while court is in session will not be tolerated!” “Awwwwwwww,” moaned the jurors. A watery-eyed Pinkie Pie pouted as the bailiff confiscated her drum kit and then patted her down for other musical instruments. “Hey, shut up!” shouted Lady Justice. “I’m serious! They’ve been done to death and they’re about as funny as Fluttershy’s standup comedy on amateur night!” “Hey, everypony, how are you doing tonight? I just flew in from Ponyville and, boy, are my wings tired. Oh, wait, this is Ponyville. Um... If you just pretend that I said a place farther away, I think that line will be a lot funnier. Can you do that for me? Okay, good. So... um... okay, so there are these two... pony friends who make a bet... and one of them loses the bet they made so the winner... no, wait, the loser pays the winner... uh, no, first the winner says ‘Ha, I won so pay me’ and the loser says ‘Okay, here ya go’ so he pays the winner but it’s not real money he gives him. It’s actually Monopony money. The loser thinks it’s funny that his friend doesn’t know the difference between real bits and Monopony money and so he goes away. So he runs into his friend a year later and sees that he’s wearing expensive looking clothes and so he asks his friend ‘Hey, there, friend. You look rich.’ and the friend says – the other friend says ‘Yeah, I am super wealthy now and it’s all thanks to the money I won from that bet we made’. The first friend asks ‘What could you possibly have bought with the money I gave you?’ and the other friend says ‘Oh, I bought a hotel’. Get it? He... bought a... hotel with the uhh... the Monopony money.” Fluttershy tapped the microphone with her forehoof. “Uh... Is... this thing on?” “Twilight,” said Applejack, seated in the comedy club audience along with the rest of Fluttershy’s friends. “Get mah rope.” “So unless any of you want a hefty fine or even jail time, you’ll keep those stupid ‘ordering food in the court’, ‘hung jury’ and ‘getting your client off’ jokes to yourselves. And you don’t want to know what the penalty is for multiple groundless objections. Oh-ho-ho, those are the ‘why did the orange pegasus filly cross the road?' of courtroom humor and I hate them with a passion!” As the bailiff walked away with a pile of Pinkie Pie’s confiscated instruments on his back, Pinkie wore a sinister grin as she showed Applejack a kazoo which the bailiff failed to discover. “How’d ya keep ‘im from findin’ that?” asked Applejack. “Let’s just say that it’s good to be a mare,” said Pinkie. Lady Justice turned her attention back to Diamond Tiara. “Now, Miss Tiara, tell us what happened.” “The defendant and I were having a sleepover,” said Diamond Tiara, “and when she thought I was asleep, she tried to kiss me on the lips! But that’s not the worst part. As a result of her attempt, I’ve been turned into a filly-fooler!” The jury was abuzz with chatter. Silver Spoon was in no position to rejoice in her conversion of Diamond Tiara. Even if it was true, her freedom hung in the balance. “That’s impossible!” declared DJ PON-3. “You can’t turn somepony into a filly-fooler!” The mint green unicorn juror seated next to DJ PON-3 whispered something into her ear which caused her to turn her head. “Really? Okay.” DJ PON-3 turned to face Diamond Tiara and shrugged. “Never mind.” The cream coated earth pony juror seated on the other side of the smiling mint green unicorn blushed as she hid her face under her hoof. Lady Justice took her gavel once more and struck the base to silence the courtroom. “Order. Ow! Dang it! Stupid gavel. Why are these things manufactured without the slightest hint of ergonomic design?” “How do you know that you’ve become a filly-fooler, Miss Tiara?” asked the prosecuting attorney. “Surely you didn’t... well... that is, you’re still just a foal.” “Hm? Oh, no, Your Honor. I’m saving myself for marriage.” Diamond Tiara leaned forward, gazed at the jury seating area and rested her foreleg on the witness stand. “I’m looking at you, Princess Twilight.” “Oh, please don’t,” said Twilight. “Too late,” said Diamond Tiara. “Totally looking at you. What do you say? Want to get hitched?” “I’m flattered... and terrified... but I can’t accept your proposal.” “I’m worth bill-ioooooons,” sang Diamond Tiara. “And I turn eighteen in nine years, four months, two days, seven hours, twenty four minutes and two seconds. “Twilight, introduce me to your friend,” whispered Rarity. “She’s not my fr-” Twilight turned to face Rarity. The fashionista was wearing a wedding dress. “What are you...? Rartiy! She’s only a filly, you sicko!” “I beg your pardon?” asked Rarity. “What sort of pony do you take me for, Twilight? I don’t want to marry her! I want to marry her father! Diamond Tiara? Your father is still single, is he not?” “He was when he passed away recently,” said Diamond Tiara, pouting. “Oh, you poor dear,” said Rarity. “I’m so sorry for your loss. Soooo... Was that... nine years, four months, two days, seven hours, twenty four-” “RARITY!” shouted Twilight. “BUT IT’S BILLIONS, TWILIGHT!” shouted Rarity. “ORDER!” shouted Lady Justice as she struck her forehoof on the gavel base. Her pupils narrowed and she smiled, pleased with how closely the resulting sound resembled that of the gavel. “Oh, wow. That felt so natural! And painless! I should have been banging my hoof years ago.” Pinkie Pie snickered at Lady Justice’s comment. Lady Justice brought a forehoof to her face as she cleared her throat. “Now, Miss Tiara,” said the prosecuting attorney. “How was it that you came to learn that you were turned into a filly-fooler?” “Oh, right. The morning after the defendant tried to kiss me,” said Diamond Tiara, “I woke up to find my hair looking like... this!” She removed her kerchief and revealed her manestyle to the jury. It was a mullet. A second collective gasp of horror seized the courtroom. “Dun-dun-duuuuuuuuuuuun!” sang Rainbow Dash. Rarity picked up a wooden bucket with great urgency, lifted it up to her face and vomited into it. She spat into the bucket, set it on the floor and dabbed her mouth with a levitated hoofkerchief. “Still chomping at the bit to walk down that aisle, Rarity?” asked Twilight snarkily. “It’s just a minor setback,” said Rarity. “There’s no obstacle that true love – and a trip to my salon – can’t overcome, heh, heh.” “Since the sleepover, I’ve experienced constant cravings for quiche,” said Diamond Tiara. “I spent three hours giving out leaflets in front of the co-op for a Lilith Mare revival... and I even bought every last limited edition Princess Twilight Sparkle massaging body pillow from every retail store in Equestria before they hit the shelves!” “THAT WAS YOU?” asked half the mares in the courtroom. Silver Spoon was unmoved by the pillow drought. She had pre-ordered and received hers months in advance. Twilight cringed at the intimidating number of mare admirers that were in her midst. The courtroom suddenly felt very confining to her. “I think I left my space heater on... in Canterlot,” squeaked Twilight as she spread her wings and flew over to a window. She tried opening it but it was stuck fast. She flew through it anyway, sending fragments of broken glass raining down upon the jurors. “In light of the overwhelming evidence against the defendant, I believe that we can dispense with any further testimony and skip right to the verdict,” said Lady Justice. “What say you, jury?” “GUILTY!” shouted all but one of the jurors – the gray pegasus mare; she had shouted the word muffin. “Silver Spoon,” said Lady Justice, “you have been found guil-” She stopped and turned to face the gray pegasus mare. “Excuse me, miss, but did you just say... ‘muffin’?” “Muffin,” she said with a nod. “Muffin,” confirmed Lady Justice. “Huh. Very well, then; Silver Spoon, you have been found guilty and muffin of attempted sexual assault. I sentence you to get minus one power while at my card’s problem during faceoffs. May Celestia have mercy on your soul.” She slammed her forehoof into the wooden gavel base, signifying that the case had concluded. Pinkie Pie played a happy tune on her kazoo. “Pinkie!” spat Applejack. “That’s been up yer cooter!” “Relax,” said Pinkie Pie. “I washed it.” “Ah meant the kazoo.” Pinkie’s pupils narrowed. “Oh,” she muttered. “Minus one power?” said Silver Spoon in bewilderment. “I don’t even know what that means, Your Honor. Is that bad?” Lady Justice didn’t answer. She didn’t even move. Nopony was moving except for Silver Spoon. It was as though they were frozen solid. “This whole dream is bad,” said a voice. “Zero out of ten. Would not watch again.” A cream coated mare as tall as Celestia strode into the courtroom with elegance befitting a noble. Her curly rust red mane and tail bobbed gently with each graceful step. Her sleek musculature suggested that she was very athletic and the crown of white flowers woven into her forelock gave her an almost sylphlike aura, giving the impression that she was an immortal protector of some mystical forest in a faraway land. Silver Spoon’s jaw dropped as she stared at the unknown mare. Not since Diamond Tiara had Silver Spoon seen a more captivating creature. “Whoaaaaaaaaa...” said Silver Spoon. “You’re... beautiful.” “Thanks. Now, listen to me very carefully, Silver Spoon. I don’t have-” “How do you know my name? Who are you?” “Huh? Oh! PFFT! Ha ha ha... How silly of me to wear a form that you wouldn’t recognize.” The mare vanished and in her place stood a filly that Silver Spoon never imagined she’d see again. Twist. Silver Spoon screamed hysterically as she stood on her hind legs and flailed her forelegs in terror. “AAAAAAAAAAH!! A GHOOOOOST!” “I’m not a ghost,” said Twist, her speech impediment every bit as prominent as Silver Spoon remembered it. “Really?” “Really. Please don’t be afraid. I’m not going to hurt you.” “You’re not?” “No, I’m not. I just want to talk to you.” “But... I... killed you.” “You didn’t kill me.” “But I saw you die.” “I did die... but that was because I was careless. It was an accident. Not a murder.” “Oh. But you’re not a ghost?” “No. Ghosts are earthbound. Now please be quiet and listen carefully. You’re dreaming but I’m not a figment of your imagination like everypony else here. When you see me again, I won’t remember this conversation so it’s imperative that you remember the four things that I’m about to tell you.” “Okay.” Silver Spoon trembled despite Twist’s reassurance that no harm would come to her. “One: Do not make any wishes out loud. You’ll have more options if you don’t. Two: Do not eat the ambrosia blossoms. If you do, they’ll cloud your judgment and you’ll never want to leave. Three: When all seems lost, invoke the power of the Unspoken Wish in the presence of She Who Welcomes. That’s why the first point is so important. She Who Welcomes may pretend not to know what The Unspoken Wish is but keep invoking it until she acknowledges its existence. Four: This is the most important one. Forget this last one and it’ll probably destroy the universe!” “Destroy the universe?” “Probably. Now pay attention. Four: After She Who Welcomes approves your wish but before you depart, you have to tell me to tell you these four things. There are no secrets here so I plan on erasing my memories of this conversation when it’s concluded, meaning I won’t be able to tell you these things again after you wake up.” “Okay. So, to recap: Don’t wish out loud. Don’t eat ambrosia blossoms. When all seems lost, invoke the power of The Unspoken Wish...” Silver Spoon struggled to remember the rest of the third point. “...In the presence of She Who Welcomes,” said Twist. “...in the presence of She Who Welcomes until she acknowledges it – and when I see you again, tell you to tell me what you told me.” “Excellent. This’ll all make sense to you eventually. I have to go now.” “Wait, Twist. I am so sorry for what Diamond Tiara and I did to you.” “Hey, don’t sweat it. It’s nice of you to say that – but save your apology for when you see me again since I won’t remember this one once I’m gone.” “Oh. Right. I’ll do that.” Twist returned to her alternate form and galloped out the courtroom. As Silver Spoon went over this list in her head, movement returned to the ponies who were previously in stasis. “Next case,” stated the bailiff, “The ponies versus L.A. Mareson...” “Off with his wings!” decreed Lady Justice.