The Tale of Twitchums McButternubs
Chapter 4
The next two days proved difficult for our badass hero, Twitchums McButternubs. At Sweet Apple Acres, his engagement to Rainbow Dash and saucy affair with Applejack were going smoothly. His other affair with Pinkie Pie, however, was a different story.
The two met both days under the cover of nightfall in Sugarcube Corner when they both knew the world around them was sleeping. At first, the two met to talk more, both enjoying each other’s company. But then, the fiery passions burning in their pony loins took over. That’s right; they passionately baked cookies and cupcakes til the sunrise.
Then they had sex.
“You must be sleepwalking.” He explained to Rainbow Dash. Twitchums was having an increasingly difficult time explaining to his fiancé why he was coated in flour every morning and smelled of baked treats. “It’s quite obvious that you sleepwalk into the town, purchase bags of flour at the Shop 24 and then travel back here to dump them on me.” He sat in silence waiting for Rainbow Dash to respond. Sweat appeared on his brow as the prismatic maned pegasus thought about what she had just heard.
“You’re right.” She said, obviously relieved that the mysterious flour problem had been solved. “It’s much more plausible that I am sleepwalking into town and doing such convoluted things without actually spending money than you having an affair with Pinkie Pie.” Twitchums smiled. Flawless.
Outside Twitchums heard the sound of trumpets and a saw a chariot pass by his window. He and Rainbow Dash darted outside to find several royal guards standing in front of the chariot.
“Greetings, my liege.” One bowed to Twitchums. “The Princess has requested your audience today. We have been specifically chosen for the task of transporting you to Canterlot.” He raised his head and ushered the alicorn to the chariot that awaited him. Rainbow Dash waved a hoof at him as the chariot took up into the air and began toward the Canterlot Castle. It dangled in the air briefly before the pegasi shot forward with all their strength, causing a large booming sound.
Big Macintosh was relaxing in the farmhouse when he heard what sounded like a canon go off in the sky. He let out a girly yelp and hid behind the chair he was previously resting his plot upon. His body shook in fear as he thought about the noise he had just heard. Applejack saw him and shook her head, tsking loudly. “What am `ah gonna do with you Big Mac…”
“Welcome to Canterlot.” Princess Celestia met Twitchums at the landing site of the chariot. “Please, follow me inside. We have much to discuss.”
Twitchums walked into the colossal Castle, leaving a setting sun behind them. Together they walked down long, narrow passageways that seemed to go on forever. Tapestries and paintings hung from the beautiful stone walls depicting scenes from Equestria’s glorious past. Each time the pair approached any ponies, they instantly bowed to the ground waiting for Celestia to nod at them in acknowledgement.
Suddenly the two turned down a hall into a dead end. Before them stood a massive brick wall that seemed suspiciously out of place. It took Twitchums a moment to think about it, but decided it was because someone had written on it in spray-paint “Not A Hidden Entrance To Celestia’s Secret Room. Go Away.”
“I know what you’re thinking.” Celestia began as she led him to the brick wall. “‘Oh dear! It’s a dead end!’” She mimicked a voice that was unknown to Twitchums. “’Wherever will we go!’ Well Twitchums I know you may find this hard to believe, but…” She pushed a hoof into the brick wall. It waved wildly with the force revealing that it, in fact, was merely a curtain of a brick wall. “It’s a fake.” She gave Twitchums a clever smile and proceeded down the hallway with him.
They had entered a large circular room with massive stone pillars jutting randomly from the floor. “This is my badass War Room.” Celestia happily said, taking a seat at the head of a large oak table. “Please take a seat.” Twitchums sat across from her, leaning back into the cushy chair.
“Twitchums, I know that we’ve just met, but I trust you entirely. And this is why you are the first pony to ever be in the War Room. But this meeting isn’t a friendly one. Twichums, something bad is happening in Equestria that might spell the end of all ponykind as we know it. Discord is back.”
Twitchums bolted upright in his seat. Of course he had remembered when Discord was released from his stone prison. The prison he was in turned into a massive potato, the halls overrun by mutant squirrels with chicken heads. He remembered watching his pal Smitty trying to fight them back. They were too damn strong… He quickly pushed back the image into his subconscious.
*Author’s Note: Don’t try this at home! Unless, that is, you want to spend an obscene amount of cash for a psychologist with a scratchy beard who thinks you want to be your own Mother.*
“And what do you expect from me?” Twitchums asked, confused at his part in the whole situation. “I’m just a hardened criminal with a dramatic backstory who also has an axe to grind!” His eye began to twitch.
“Exactly! I know what you did Twitchums. You killed those ponies justifiably. Your twitch is a part of you that cannot be controlled. I’ve only heard of the rumors, but now that I’m seeing it in person, I believe that there truly is a seventh Element of Harmony! And you must be it!”
“What?! A Seventh?!” Twitchums was mortified. How could he be an Element of Harmony! Not only had Applejack and her friends wielded 6 to defeat Nightmare Moon and Discord, but the Princesses themselves only wielded 6 Elements. “What is this Element called?”
“You will know when the time is right. If I say now, then the readers will become disappointed and probably read a better story. One with less plot holes. And less breaking of the 4th Wall.” Twitchums sighed heavily, knowing very well that this was the truth. He had no choice but the fight Discord and wield the 7th Element of Harmony, even though he had no idea what it was.
Princess Celestia sensed the confusion and fear that Twitchums was battling at the moment and had an idea. She motioned for him to follow her into the Canterlot Gardens where they walked in the dark of Luna’s night, bathing in the moonlight. They discussed everything that came to their minds: the difficulties of being an alicorn, philosophies of life, the insanity of this story and yes, even puppies.
After an hour or so, the two walked the entirety of the gardens and returned to the Castle. Before entering, Celestia backed Twitchums against a wall. “Twitchums, I’ve been alive for over 2 thousand years, and I’ve never met anypony like you. The way you can talk about puppies with me is… it’s…” Tears began to well up in her eyes. “It’s beautiful. Nopony has ever treated me as an equal before.”
She brought her lips toward Twitchums who happily returned the favor. While the Princess may have been alive for two millennia, Twitchums could tell that she lacked experience…. In the love department. She shook nervously with each kiss and occasionally broke away, giggling like a school girl.
“Celey, I know the massive amount of love we have for each other can conquer all the problems in the world; but what about Rainbow Dash? I mean, her and I are engaged! And Applejack! She was the first pony I met here and I’ve loved her since I laid my eyes upon hers.” Twtichums chose to keep Pinkie Pie’s relationship a secret, hoping that no one would find out until he had time to sort it out. Celestia stopped and put a hoof to her face, thinking about the confusing love triangle she was about to enter. Even though her better judgment (and by better I mean all of it) told her to leave, she kissed him again.
“Twitchums McButternubs, one day Rainbow Dash and Applejack will grow old and pass on. It is at this time that you and I will be together as King and Queen of all of Equestria, until the fall of our glorious kingdom. Until then, I will wait for you in Canterlot, dreaming night and day of you and this moment we share.” The pair shared one last kiss before Celestia returned inside the Castle to resume her Princessly duties. Twitchums stood outside with a large smile on his face. “I’ll be in touch!” The Princess’ sultry voice called out from the castle as he turned to leave.
The ride back to Ponyville took half the time it did to get to the Castle, seeing as the Royal Guards were now hyped up on caffeine. The entirety of his ride back Twitchums could not get out of his mind the idea of there being seven Elements of Harmony. More importantly, how could he be one?
He arrived suddenly in the center of Ponyville, the entire town sleeping soundly. He turned toward Sweet Apple Acres when he found himself muzzle to muzzle with Pinkie Pie, a massive frown across her usually ecstatic face.
“I’ve been waiting for you.”