Chapter 4:
Failing Rocks
Soon after avoiding the obvious trap, the Pie sisters reached an all-too-familiar river in the middle of the dirt road. Limestone took in a deep breath and smiled.
"Ah~. This place sure brings back memories," she sighed whimsically.
"Indeed," said Maud, leaning towards the water's edge and giving it a few cursory sniffs. "Even the sediment deposits smell the same. It's quite comforting, actually."
"Um, I don't want to interrupt your nostalgia, you two, but don't you think we should keep moving?" Marble said nervously.
Limestone turned to Marble and raised an eyebrow. "You're still thinking about that stupid sign? C'mon, Marble. Whoever made it is clearly not a threat to us. Quit being such a worrywart and let's enjoy this trip for what it is."
Marble tilted her head. "I wasn't talking about the sign. I was talking about the surface rock shortage back home. We promised Mother that we wouldn't be long."
Limestone gave Marble a wry smirk. "And you say you don't deserve to be the heart," she chuckled mirthfully. "Regardless, my point about you being a worrywart still stands. Despite what Dad says, some things are just more important than rocks. Like family, for instance."
"True, true," said Marble with a contemplative nod. "Even so, aren't the rocks on the rock farm part of our family?"
Limestone opened her mouth to respond, but found that she really had to think about it. As she did so, Maud noticed a stone springing from the water. The stone was followed by another, and then another. She watched with dull fascination as the stones connected themselves to one another, forming some sort of troll-like shape.
"Well, technically that is the case," said Limestone, oblivious to the phenomenon Maud was observing. "But really, Marble. You can't be in multiple places at once."
"Oh, right. Pinkamena's Mirror Pond experience. I nearly forgot about that," said Marble sheepishly.
"Exactly," said Limestone, placing a foreleg around Marble's shoulder. "Marble, I'm sure the rock farm will still be standing by the time we get back. So cheer up and stop sweating the small stuff. After all, you yourself said that we should focus on happy memories, right?"
"R-right. I, did say that," Marble sighed. "I'm sorry, Limestone."
"S'okay," said Limestone, pulling Marble in closer. "You just have to realize that there's nothing to worry about, that's all."
"What about a giant golem that just emerged from the river?" asked Maud.
Limestone turned around. "What? Maud, what the heck are you— Sweet stinking stalagmite, how did that get there?!"
Just as Maud said, a large creature made up of several different rocks of various shapes and sizes was standing in the river and staring down at the Pie sisters. Limestone stared at the creature, her mouth agape. Marble hid behind her sister, cowering in fright. Maud's expression did not change in the slightest, with the exception of the occasional blink.
"Behold! I am the guardian of this river!" echoed a voice that came from seemingly everywhere. With every syllable, a red stone in the golem's chest flashed on and off. "And I decree that none shall pass unless..."
Limestone shook herself and cut across the creature. "Wait, wait! Time out!" she said, gesturing with her hooves. "You're the guardian of this river? Since when?! We've crossed this river several times, and we've never seen you before!"
"The, uh, river's under new management!" the golem said hastily.
Maud arched an eyebrow. "It's a river in the Everfree Forest. It doesn't have a manager," she said plainly.
"Well, it does now!" barked the golem.
"Can we speak to this manager?" asked Limestone.
"No!"
"Why not?"
"Because I said so!"
"Well, that's a fine way to run a railroad," said Limestone indignantly.
"It's not a railroad, Limestone," Maud said frankly.
Limestone smacked her forehead. "Must you take everything so literally, Stick-in-the-Maud?"
"Look, it doesn't matter!" the golem snapped. "What matters is that I'm here now, and I'm not letting any of you cross unless you entertain me!"
Marble perked up and emerged from behind Limestone. "Oh, is that all? Well, why didn't you say so?" she said with a calm smile. "I can do that."
The golem looked down at Marble for a moment. "Can you now?" it said.
"Oh, of course," said Marble, clearing her throat. "After all...
"I'm the M to the A-R-B-L-E, and ain't no other pony tells rock stories like me. I'm Marblicious~!"
She concluded her proclamation with a wink and a giggle. Maud gave her a blank stare. Limestone, meanwhile, had trouble containing her laughter.
"What's so funny?" asked Marble, giving Limestone a dirty look.
Limestone snickered and shook her head. "You cheap, crowd-pleasing tart," she said.
Marble's face became bright red. "Wh-what? Oh, come on! You keep telling me to come out of my shell and be spontaneous, but when I do, you make fun of me! That's not fair!"
"I-I'm sorry, Marble," said Limestone, wiping a tear from her eye. "I-I just wasn't expecting you to do something like, well, that."
Marble pouted and marched right up to Limestone. "That's what it means to be spontaneous, you, you... Expensive, crowd-disappointing piece of cake!" she shouted.
Limestone sniggered again and patted Marble on the head. "Leave the insults to me, Mar-Mar. You're too sweet to be snarky."
"Um, hello? Giant golem waiting to be entertained over here," said the golem.
"Hang on, buddy. We're getting to you," said Limestone. "Marble, why don't you tell him one of your..."
"Forget it," Marble grumbled. "I'm not in the mood."
"Marble, c'mon. I didn't..."
But Limestone's words fell on deaf ears. Marble simply marched off in a huff while Maud followed her.
"Well, so much for that," Limestone sighed, turning to the golem. "Sorry about that, big guy. Marble's just a bit cranky because she's putting all this pressure on herself. I'm not all that surprised, really. After all, she is Marble."
The golem stared at Limestone in awkward silence.
"Which, is a metamorphic rock," said Limestone.
The golem's core seemed to light up. "Oh. OH!" it exclaimed, chuckling a bit. "Th-that's actually kinda funny!"
Just then, a lightbulb went off in Limestone's head, and a cocky smile formed on her muzzle.
"Oh, I've got a lot more where that came from," she said. "By the way, I'm Limestone. Basically, I'm what Marble would be if she wasn't so uptight. But seriously, though..."
***
As Limestone gave the golem her stand-up routine, Marble sat near some bushes off to the side and sulked. As she took Roxanne out of her saddlebag, Maud sat down next to her.
"Are you okay?" she asked.
Marble traced her hoof around Roxanne's crystalline surface, not even bothering to look up. "Why did she have to say that?" she mumbled. "She knows I'm sensitive."
"She probably didn't mean it," said Maud.
"Yeah, but it still hurts," Marble murmured. She grew quiet for a time before looking up at her older sister. "Maud?"
"Mmm?"
"Do you think I'm, weird? Be honest with me."
Maud blinked. "I think you're you, Marble," she said.
Marble sighed. "It's a yes or no question, Maud."
"Marble, you shouldn't dwell on things like that," said Maud, dividing her attention between her conversation with Marble and Limestone's performance. "I'm sure Pinkie's friends think I'm weird, and yet we still managed to become friends in the end."
"Great. Now you're sounding like Limestone," grumbled Marble. "At least you're not a hypocrite."
Maud said nothing. She simply sat in silence as she watched Limestone's stand-up comedy. In the meantime, the bushes behind her rustled as Tom moved through them.
Yes! My plan is working perfectly! he thought, making sure not to broadcast his monologue out loud. While the other two are distracted, I will abduct Maud and make her my queen! All I have to do is wait for the right moment to strike, and she will be mine!
"It looks like Limestone is going to be awhile," said Maud, not noticing Tom sneaking up on her.
"Probably telling jokes about me, no doubt," said Marble bitterly.
"She's not," said Maud. "She just finished telling the one about the cubit zirconia trying to sneak into an all-diamond club."
Before Marble could form a response, she heard a rumbling in her tummy. "Mmm. I'm getting kinda hungry," she said, reaching into her saddlebag and pulling out some cracker sandwiches. "Do you want some, Maud?"
"Just a few," said Maud, taking three sandwiches. She then took Boulder out of her pocket and nudged the sandwiches towards him.
Marble couldn't help but smile. "It's so sweet to see how much you care about Boulder," she said, popping a cracker sandwich into her mouth.
"Mmm," said Maud, still focused on "feeding" Boulder. All the while, Tom continued to creep closer and closer to her.
Soon. Very soon, she will be mine, he thought. I just have to wait for her sister to turn around, and...
"And what's the deal with charcoal, huh? Do you know that ponies actually think there's no difference between it and regular coal? I mean, hello~! Rocks cannot be made in a matter of minutes simply by burning wood! You try telling that to a rock farmer, and they'd laugh in your face. I'm not trying to sound prejudiced or anything, but I think I can tell the difference between an actual rock and a poser pretending to be a rock, thankyouverymuch!"
Limestone's joke caused the golem to roar with laughter. As it did so, a stone dislodged itself from its body and flew towards Marble and Maud. Thinking quickly, Maud thrust her hoof out and punched the stone into dust. However, she forgot that she was holding a bunch of cracker sandwiches at the time.
"Well, that was unexpected," said Maud, seemingly unfazed as she watched the peanut butter/honey goop dangle off of her hoof.
"Quite," said Marble, still a bit stunned by the turn of events. "M-maybe you should wash that off. We don't want to attract any insects."
Maud nodded and got up to head to the river.
Oh no, you don't! thought Tom. Using his psychic powers, he yanked Maud back, only to get a hoofful of mashed-up cracker sandwich smeared across the surface of his body. This caught Tom off-guard as he released Maud from his psychic grasp.
Ugh! It's so sticky! he griped mentally.
"I, suppose that's one way to do it," said Marble, raising an eyebrow. "Although honestly, I don't think that rock was there before."
"Hmm. Indeed," said Maud, sniffing Tom a few times. "He smells familiar, though. Or maybe that's just the cracker sandwiches."
"Whatever it is, we'd better move someplace less, messy," said Marble, putting Roxanne away. "I don't want to be around when they show up."
"Agreed," said Maud, placing Boulder back in her pocket. As she and Marble left their spot, Tom stared on in confusion.
They? he wondered. Who's they?
A small, melodious chirp gave him an answer. His sunglasses swiveled around as he spied a small parasprite licking its lips.
"What are you?" asked Tom.
In response, the parasprite flew onto Tom's body and began nibbling at the smashed cracker sandwich smeared on his body. Aroused by the commotion, more parasprites joined the first, all of them eager to get a piece of the meal.
"Ow! Hey! Stop it!" Tom yelped, floating around with reckless abandon. "Get off of me, you stupid bugs! You're ruining my plan! Ooh! Ow!"
"Did you hear something?" asked Marble.
Maud shrugged. "It's probably the golem. He communicates telepathically, after all."
"That, sounded more like pain than laughter," Marble mused.
"It's possible to laugh so much that it hurts," said Maud simply, turning back to the stand-up routine. "Case in point."
Marble looked on, and saw that as the golem continued to laugh at Limestone's jokes, its body was falling to pieces.
"Thank you, thank you!" said Limestone with a bow. "I'll be here all week! Be sure to tip your waitress, and please drive home safely!"
With that, the golem's laughter died out as it finally collapsed into a pile of rocks. Limestone smirked.
"Well, that was fun," she said, turning back to Marble and Maud. "How'd you two like the show?"
"It was funny," said Maud, even though there wasn't a hint of a smile on her face.
"Riiiiiight, I'll just take your word for it," said Limestone, rubbing the back of her head. "What about you, Marble?"
"Mmm? It was, okay, I guess," said Marble, not looking Limestone in the eye.
Limestone frowned. "Marble, don't tell me you're still mad at me about the whole Marblicious thing."
Marble ignored Limestone's comment. "We should keep moving," she said, heading towards the river.
Limestone heaved a great sigh. "Yep, she's still mad at me," she said. "Well, that's just ducky. I make one little snarky comment at her expense, and all of a sudden, I'm marked for life."
"Maybe you should apologize," said Maud.
Limestone rolled her eyes. "Oh sure. Take her side. Seriously, it's not like I don't love her anymore. She should know that."
"That's not the issue," said Maud, walking towards the river. "And I don't like taking sides."
Limestone opened her mouth to respond, but instead let out another sigh. "Is it just me, or has this trip suddenly gotten longer?" she muttered to herself as she followed her sisters.
***
Just as the sisters made it across the river, Tom finally managed to subdue the parasprites with his psychic powers.
"Gah! Accursed things," he groused. "I was so close to getting Maud, and they had to go and ruin it! Now I need to come up with another plan!"
He was about to toss them away when one of the parasprites coughed up another.
"Oh, that's charming," said Tom, disgust seeping into his voice. "Not only do these pests swarm over any food they see, but they can multiply, too. It's like they're an army of insufferable..."
His train of thought trailed off, and slowly turned into a bout of maniacal laughter.
"Idea~!" he said, casting his psychic aura over the entire swarm.