Wrong Hospital Niko Bellic

by Sorren


Part 3

Wrong Hospital Niko Bellic
By: Sorren
Part Three

        Niko awoke late the next way with a fair headache. He had slept where he had dropped, in a corner against a bookshelf. Someone had thrown a blanket over him. He shrugged the blanket away and pushed himself to his feet. He must have gone out drinking with Roman. “Where is Roman?” he wondered aloud. He was definitely not in the apartment. This was some kind of library. The room was circular. Bookshelves lined the walls and in one place a wooden staircase led to a higher level.

He thought back to his dream. “Ponies,” he laughed to himself, looking around the deserted library. “You are losing it Niko.”

His attention was drawn to footsteps from above. He watched as the person started down the stairs. Niko rubbed his eyes. No, not a person, a pony, a purple pony.

He rubbed his eyes again, hoping for the sight to disappear. He opened his eyes to see the purple pony crossing the floor towards him. Niko threw his arms out at his side and spun in a slow circle. “Great, I am still in dream.”

“Oh good, you’re awake,” the purple pony said in mock-cheeriness. “Now maybe you can tell me why Rainbow Dash is drooling in my bed!” The purple pony kept her voice even until the last four words, which she yelled.

Niko leaned up against a bookshelf, shielding his eyes from the light cast into the room from a nearby window. “I do not know why you would sleep with rainbow pony.” He waved his arm at her dismissively. “I am still trying not to run away screaming because you ponies will not stop talking to me.”

Niko remembered this pony now, the rainbow one had called her Twilight. Twilight glared back at him. “I slept on the floor,” she shot back.

“Oh so you have back kink too?” Niko rubbed a spot on his back.

Twilight shook her head. “How are you handling this pony thing so, well?” she asked curiously. “Honestly I expected a lot more screaming and hitting things from someone like you.”

Niko shrugged. “I don’t know. I am pretty sure this is crazy dream. But running and screaming only get me a headache. So I will just pretend that everything is alright.”

Twilight cocked her head and shot him a curious glance. “I guess that’s one way of dealing with things. But won’t you eventually have a nervous breakdown?”

Niko shook his head. “Already did that yesterday. Now…” he trailed off. “Now I know this is not dream, maybe.”

Twilight rolled her eyes and turned around. “Spike!” she yelled. “Wake up!”

For the first time since he had poofed into existence here, he realized that all the ponies had marks on their flanks.  He assumed it was a flank, because so far they were just like horses, but smaller, and softer. He raised a finger and pointed it at the mark on the purple pony’s side. It looked like a star crossed with another star, with sparkles all around it. “Why do you have design on your flank.” he asked her curiously.

Twilight looked back at where his finger was pointing. “Oh that,” she replied simply. “That’s my cutie mark.”

Niko scowled. “You are joking right?”

The purple pony shook her head. “No, not joking. Everypony gets a cutie mark when they find out what makes them unique. It makes them who they are.”

Niko frowned; this was getting way to sentimental. “To me it just looks like ass tattoo.”

Twilight didn’t respond. Instead, she raised a hoof and dropped her face into it. Niko watched her curiously. Horses couldn’t turn a hoof around like that. Maybe it was more pony magic nonsense.

Niko heard the sound of more footsteps and looked for the source. His mouth fell open at the sight of a purple dragon walking towards them. He wasn’t sure whether it was a dragon or not. The thing was only about two feet tall. It didn’t have the features of a dragon Niko had heard of before. Like the ponies, its face was much more rounded with human-like features.

Niko stomped his foot. “No, I am not even used to ponies. Now there are tiny dragon things?”

“Baby dragon,” Twilight corrected.

He waved an arm in her direction. “Whatever, it is midget dragon.”

Niko’s mouth almost dropped clean to the floor when the little purple dragon opened its mouth and began to talk. “So twilight,” it said in a higher pitched voice. “About that letter to Celestia you wanted me to….” He trailed off looking at Niko. The ‘baby’ dragon pointed the quill he was holding at him with a questioning glance. “What’s he doing here?”

Twilight shrugged. “I’m not quite sure, Rainbow brought him here.”

The dragon Niko assumed was Spike shot Twilight a tentative look. “You really want another one here? Remember what happened the last time you had a human here?”

“Yes, yes, I know.” Twilight responded dismissively.  

Niko looked up to see Rainbow Dash staggering down the stairs. She reached the bottom and held a hoof to her head. “What did I do last night?” she groaned. Slowly she made her way over to them.

“Hi Rainbow Dash,” Spike greeted cheerfully.

The rainbow pony cringed. “Don’t do that?”

“Do what?” Spike asked.

Rainbow cringed again. “Quiet down a bit,” she replied. “Your voice is driving nails into my brain.”

Spike huffed indignantly. “Well alright then,” he grumbled.

Niko looked around. Well this wasn’t strange at all. He was talking to a unicorn, a flying rainbow pony with a hangover, and a talking baby dragon. Movement from the window caught his eye. A head popped into view and disappeared a moment later. It did it again. Niko squinted to get a better look. The head bobbed into view again. This time he caught its features. It was a teal unicorn pony. It also had teal hair and a single white streak. The head popped up again. Its eyes were focused directly on him.

Niko pointed towards the window. “Who is creepy pony watching me?” he asked.

Twilight looked back at the window and gasped. Her horn glowed purple and the blinds were drawn over the window. “Nothing,” she replied hastily. Niko shot her a prying look. “You don’t want to know,” she added in a ‘don’t ask any more questions’ voice.

Rainbow Dash sunk to the ground and clasped her head in her forehooves. “Did you like, poison me or something?” she moaned.

He held his arms out in a gesture of self-defense. “Do not worry,” he reassured. “You will have headache most of day. But then you will be all better.”

“I sure hope so.” Rainbow stood back up, squinting in the light.

Niko’s stomach growled. He realized he hadn’t had anything to eat since he had been in Liberty. “Do you have food I can eat?” he asked.

Twilight shook her head. “No, not here. You’re going to have to go out to eat.” Niko tried to focus on Twilight, ignoring the baby dragon. This place, it made him want to pull out every hair on his head one by one. Right now he wanted to do nothing more than steal a car and drive down an Alderney sidewalk, listening to easy music to cheer himself up.

“Great,” he scoffed. “So now I have to go out and try to ignore angry looks from all of the ponies outside.” He looked around at them and laughed. “I am actually calling you ponies.” he pointed at Twilight. “And I am talking to you like you are people.”

Twilight gave him a wry look. “We are beings capable of intelligent speech and interactions. So in your case, we would count as people.”

Niko rolled his eyes. “Right, three foot tall people who look like ponies.”

“So Twilight, about that letter,” Spike prodded.

“Right,” she levitated the baby dragon onto her back. Niko chuckled at the sight. She looked back at him. “Go out and find yourself something to eat.”

“How am I supposed to do that?” he asked scathingly. “I do not know how crazy-pony-town works.”

“Don’t worry,” Rainbow Dash said. “I’ll show you around.”

Niko frowned. “Are you sure? I know you have big headache.”

“Yeah,” she nodded, swallowing hard. “I’ve hit my head plenty of times. Trust me, I can handle a headache. I’ll be fine.”

He shrugged, still feeling a little uncomfortable. “Okay, I will let you show me place to eat.”

*        *        *

Niko walked through the town with Rainbow Dash. This part of the town was lined with shops and stores. Various ponies of all different colors trotted to and fro. Niko tried to keep his head down and act inconspicuous, which wasn’t very easy considering he was almost three feet taller than all of them. He looked around at the various booths and concession stands. “I’m guessing you have no burger joint?” he asked the rainbow pony to his left.

She replied with a curious glance. “No,” he said for her. “Okay, what do you think?”

Rainbow thought for a moment. “Well I know you humans don’t really like our food. I guess you could try Sugarcube Corner. They do baked goods and stuff.” Niko shrugged. “Come on, let’s stop by. Pinkie works there, maybe we can say hi.”

“Wait one minute.” Niko held out a foot to stop the rainbow pony. She glared for a moment then unfurled her wings and hovered up to his level. “You mean crazy pink pony with cotton candy afro that got in fight with desk fan?”

Rainbow frowned. “That first part fits but I don’t know about the second. But yeah, that’s her.”

“I do not want to talk with pink pony. If I do, I may accidently throw her through a wall.”

Rainbow laughed. “So I guess you’ve already met her. Don’t worry,” she reassured. “I’ll keep her in line.” She flew ahead and gestured for him to follow. Niko cut around throngs of ponies following Rainbow Dash. He wished they’d all stop looking at him. Pretty soon he was going to get mad and kick one. Then things were going to get nasty. He missed his guns. Niko picked up the pace to keep up with the rainbow pony. He had to jog just to keep up. It was like the pony didn’t know how to slow down.

Niko looked down at his pocket in surprise when his phone started ringing. He pulled it out and checked the caller ID. “Hello?” he answered.

“Hey cousin, it is your cousin. How about we go bowling?”

“What? Roman? How did you call me?” Niko slowed down to speak. He wanted to keep jogging but it felt like some unknown force was preventing him from doing so.

“Well I picked up my phone and I dialed your number. How the hell else would I call you? So would you like to go bowling?”

Niko scowled at the phone. “No Roman I cannot go bowling right now. I am stuck in land of ponies.”

Roman laughed on the other end of the line. “Okay, I see, you are a Jacob’s. It is okay. Me and Brucie are having too much fun anyways. We are sitting here on the street, laughing at fat American girls when they walk out of the Burger Shot.”

Niko rolled his eyes. “Roman, now is not the time.”

Niko heard Brucie’s voice over the phone. “Yeah baby, shake that bacon! You’re gonna have to run a marathon to work off those cankles!”

“See how much fun we are having!” Roman exclaimed. “You should really join us…” He trailed off. “Oh shit Brucie that one has a knife.”

“Roman, I need your help.” Niko pressed urgently.

He heard Brucie’s voice again. “Oh what are you gonna do piggy? Fall on me?”

“Brucie I do not think we should be taunting her. She looks angry.” Roman replied nervously.

Niko stood listening. “I’m going to gut you fat boy!” He heard a woman yell.

“Holy shit Brucie run!” Roman yelled.

“Oh yeah! Look at that piggy shake the bacon roman! Yeah!” came Brucie’s voice.” Niko could hear their footfalls and romans labored breathing over the phone. He could hear shouted insults from the lady as well.

“I am sorry Niko, I’m going to have to call you back!” Roman yelled into the phone.

“No wait Roman!” the line went dead. “Shit!” He went to redial the number but there was no service.

Rainbow Dash had stopped to wait for him. “Who was that?”

“Roman,” he replied angrily. A couple ponies had stopped to look at him curiously during his conversation with Roman. “What are you looking at? Go on, get out of here!” The ponies shied away. One of them muttered something under their breath that Niko didn’t catch.

“Friendly one aren’t you.” Rainbow chided.

Niko shot her a glare. “I do not like it when people look at me funny. When ponies look at me funny, their eyes are even bigger. It makes me want to throw grenade at soccer mom mini-van.”

“Take it easy,” Rainbow Dash nudged his shoulder with a hoof. “It’s not like we’re going to eat you or something.” She hesitated. “Unless of course you look tasty enough.”

“What?” Niko gawked at her.

“I’m kidding, I’m kidding.” She added hurriedly. “You aren’t very good with jokes are you?”

Niko threw his arms out. “Look, I am in land of ponies. This is all one big joke. So jokes look serious.”

“I guess that kinda makes sense.” Rainbow mused. She pointed a hoof ahead of them. “Look, Sugarcube Corner is right up there.”

Niko laughed, pointing at the building ahead. “It looks like giant gingerbread house. There is no witch inside to eat me is there?”

The rainbow pony shot him a questioning look. “Was that supposed to be a joke?”

Niko rolled his eyes. “Yes, but it was bad joke.”

They walked on to the bakery in silence. When they reached the house, Rainbow Dash led him into the store.

“Oh why hello.” A blue pony with a pink mane greeted them. Her eyes fell on Niko and they brightened a little. “I’m taking it you’re to try my cakes.”

Niko shrugged. “Sure,” he replied, digging his hands into his coat pockets.

“Hi Mrs. Cake,” Rainbow said. “Your cakes are the only things humans like,” she said jokingly.

“Oh I know,” she replied cheerfully. “But after all, everypony likes my cakes. I guess humans aren’t any exception, even if we only have had a couple of them here.”

“Where’s Pinkie?” Rainbow asked. Niko just watched awkwardly as the ponies spoke, not wanting to intrude, or even be a part of it. One day he had been shooting mobsters and stealing cars, the next he was listening to ponies talking about cakes. It was a funny thought, and terrifying thought.

“Oh, she’s locked herself in the bedroom. Doesn’t really surprise me,” Mrs. Cake replied.

Rainbow nodded in understanding.

“Hurray,” Niko cheered sarcastically. “I do not have to throw pink pony through wall.”

Mrs. Cake looked a little skeptical while Rainbow Dash laughed. She lowered herself down to the floor and folded her wings. “I think I’m here to get something too. I’m starving.”

Niko stepped forward casually to look at the food selection. From what was at the counter he had the choice between cakes, muffins, cupcakes, or more cupcakes. “Is this all you ponies eat?” he asked.

“For sweets, mostly,” Mrs. Cake replied.

Niko chuckled, again. He noticed he seemed to be laughing and chuckling at everything. “No wonder you all feel like marshmallows,” he murmured. He continued before any of the two ponies could respond. “I will take the cupcakes, two please.”

“That’ll be three bits,” she replied formally

Niko dug out his wallet and sorted through the contents. “Um, can you break hundred?” he asked hopefully.

Rainbow Dash snorted and trotted over to him. She butted him in the leg. “I forgot, you don’t have money. Don’t worry, I got this.” She looked over to Mrs. Cake. “Throw in another cupcake.”

“Sure thing Rainbow Dash,” the catering pony replied. “Since it’s for you and our new visitor, I’ll knock off two bits.”

“Hey thanks,” Rainbow replied. She produced two golden metal coins and set them on the table. She nosed them over to Mrs. Cake.

Niko shot a confused look at Rainbow Dash. He pointed a finger to the coins, and then to the cyan pony. “Where did you get coins from?”

She just shrugged. “Don’t try to figure it out, we’re ponies.”

Mrs. Cake passed them a tray with three white frosting cupcakes on it. “Enjoy,” she smiled at them.

Skeptically, Niko picked one of them up. “So if I eat this, I’m not like going to turn into a pony or anything, right?”

“No,” Rainbow Dash laughed. “Just eat it, it’s good.” She picked up the tray in her mouth and carried it over to a nearby table.

Niko took a bite of the cupcake. He nodded approvingly. “This is good cupcake.”

The front door jingled and Niko turned to see a white mare walk in the door. He had found out that female ponies were called mares, just like horses. Her purple mane actually looked like it had been curled. Did ponies curl their hair?

“Hey there Rarity,” Rainbow Dash greeted.

The white mare turned to greet Rainbow but froze at the sight of Niko. Her eyes traveled his body’s length and she shuddered. “That is absolutely ghastly.”

Niko inspected himself before shooting a glare at the newcomer. “What is wrong?” he asked, motioning towards himself. He took another bite of the cupcake.

“Those clothes,” she replied. She approached him and trotted around his legs in a little circle, clicking her tongue in disapproval. Niko felt the strongest urge to slap the unicorn away. She examined his jacket and gasped. “Is that leather?” she asked in disbelief.

Niko cocked an eyebrow. “Yes, is there problem?”

“Yes,” she replied as if the answer was obvious. “You’re wearing an animal.”

Rainbow Dash stopped midway through a bite of cupcake. “Wha?” she mumbled.

“Leather is the dried skin of an animal.” Rarity replied repulsively.

Rainbow spit out the chunk of cupcake she had been chewing and looked at Niko. “Dude,” she balked. “That’s not cool.”

Niko looked back and forth at the two mares. “It is popular human thing.”

Repulse shone in the white mare’s face. “I knew humans were foul but, wearing animals? That’s terrible.”

“Look I’m sorry. I did not think leather was big deal.” Niko was starting to get angry. Reprimand was the last thing that he needed right now. He shoved the rest of the cupcake in his mouth.

Rarity lifted her chin indignantly. “I simply must take you back to my place and get you out of that abominable attire.”

Niko shook his head. “You are not touching my clothes.”

“No,” she replied forcibly. “If you are going to be stomping around Ponyville you aren’t going to do it looking like a walking abomination.”

“So now I am ugly!” Niko raised his voice, causing both Mrs. Cake and Rarity to cringe.

The white mare lowered herself down. “No,” she said, putting on an unconvincing smile.

Niko took an intimidating step towards her. “Let us play game of kick the pony.” He bashed his head on a roof beam. “Shit!” he yelled. He doubled over and held his forehead with both hands. “Why do I always hit my fucking head on things!?” He stomped around in a circle, swearing. “Fucking ponies! Build bigger roofs!” He bellowed at the ceiling.

“Hey man, take it easy.” Rainbow Dash said nervously.

Niko pointed a finger at her. “You shut up! I will not hit you because you are kind of cool.” He glared around at the little store. He heard footsteps somewhere above him but didn’t acknowledge them. He looked back to Rainbow. “If a drug addict found coloring book and box of crayons, you are his drawing!”

The cyan pony unfurled her wings to fly up to his eye level. “What’s your problem?” she asked angrily.

“My problem?” he asked, laughing. “My problem is that I am trapped in ponyland and the only reason I know I am not dreaming is because I have hit my head two fucking times and I am still awake!” He screamed the last eight words at the top of his lungs. A green pony who had been entering the store slowly backed away. He pointed at the retreating green mare. “That’s right! You get out of here you moldy marshmallow!”

The whole bakery rang with a loud bwong and Niko swayed. He keeled over and flopped face down on the floor. A pink pony stood behind where he had fallen on the serving counter, a cooking pot in her mouth.

Rarity took a step away from unconscious human. “Well,” she huffed. “I’m glad that’s over.”

Rainbow touched down next to the counter and folded her wings. “Pinkie, you knocked him out,” she said to the pink pony.

“Well duh!” she replied. The pot fell from her mouth and clattered to the floor, causing Rainbow to cringe. “He was going all crazy and stuff and I could see that things were going to get nasty. And they did.” She pointedly sat down on the countertop.

“I don’t know,” Rainbow prodded the unconscious form with a hoof. “He really hates getting hit in the head. Are you sure hitting him in the back of the head with a pot was the best idea?”

Pinkie Pie hopped down from the counter. “I don’t know. But I’m going to go back to hiding in my room before he wakes up. Bye!” And with that she darted off back into the store.

Rarity nervously looked down at the unconscious form of Niko. “Well now what?” she asked skeptically.

Rainbow looked thoughtful for a moment. “Anypony got a rope?” she asked.

 

Wow, I never expected this to get so popular. I have done nothing but smile for the past two days. Thanks everypony! ~Sorren