Gladiator

by Not_A_Hat


35 - Account

"Evening, Wes." I turned from mulching my new plant to find Rainbow behind me. I'd just made it back from the forest, and I was wrapping up a day's work.
 
"Hey, what's up?" I stood and stretched, checking the soreness in my muscles. I was mostly recovered from the beating I'd taken in the Empire, but I could still feel a twinge or two.
 
"Not much. Just hadn't seen you around."
 
"Sorry, I've been busy." I replied lamely.
 
"Wassat?"
 
"This?" I pointed to the plant. It was transparent, the outline only apparent because I'd misted it thoroughly. "Invisible dusk-blooming chokevine."
 
"It smells nice." Rainbow sniffed deeply. "Spicy. Like watercress."
 
"Don't eat it!" I warned. She shot me an annoyed look.
 
"But it smells good."
 
"Sure, but it's from the Everfree." We were in my garden, the clearing where I'd fought Lyra. I'd been bringing interesting specimens back from the forest, and it looked pretty exotic by now. Giant mushrooms grew in one corner; the other had a cloud of multi-colored hummingbirds, zipping through a stand of rushes. In between, flowers, plants, rocks and shrubs of every size and description were scattered haphazardly, with only the barest concession to landscaping or paths.
 
I hoped to cultivate some, maybe introduce useful ones to Ponyville. Chokevine wasn't the sort I'd recommend; it was purely an experiment, for the flowers. "It's quite magical. If you eat it…" I considered the basic alchemy Zecora taught me. "You would turn insubstantial, or become a rabbit." Rainbow winced and stepped back, glaring.
 
"Wesley, are you avoiding us again?"
 
"Again?" I asked, guiltily.
 
"Again. Last time, Fluttershy had to drag you out of the forest sopping wet. She got a cold!"
 
"Did she?"
 
"Yeah. But that's not the point. What gives, Wes?" I sighed. I'd tried communicating this idea to the ponies several times, but they never really seemed to get it.
 
"I want to have some sort of control over my life." I inspected my work, and nodded. I hoped the chokevine would survive, but it needed a cage. It was dangerous, and I couldn't keep it dosed with slowstone. "I'm not content to float along, I need to make my own decisions. I've worked on that…well, the whole time. And Ponyville, oddly enough, is worse than the Everfree. When I get over something like…." I waved, vaguely, "that, all I want to do is sleep, read a book, and hide under my bed for a week or so. But I can't get peace and quiet in town, so I dive into my work." I started back towards my house. "Well, and I like money, I won't lie. But at least out there-" I pointed towards the Everfree, "nothing comes looking for me."
 
"Should I leave?" Her voice was quiet.
 
"Nonono, I don't mean…" I sighed. "That came out wrong. I don't resent you all; quite the opposite. You're some of the best friends I've had in years. Really. You know I take you seriously, Rainbow. I'm not complaining about your friendship. It's everything else." I paused, searching for an illustration. "Ok, consider this. You've told me about Discord. He made a mess, ruined things, made trouble for everypony, turned the neighborhood upside down. Think on that. No stability, nothing dependable. No firm ground. The very rules of nature were re-written."
 
"Chocolate rain," she spat disgustedly.
 
"Right, right. Now, think of this." I stopped dramatically, and flung out my arms. "Your whole world is like that for me!"
 
"Oh." We walked in silence for a while. "You really feel that way?"
 
"Sorta." I admitted. "Maybe not that extreme; I wasn't here. But to some extent. I have no idea where I fit in, what I'm doing, how I even got here, though it's been improving. Usually because of you and your friends, but I do move forward myself." I nodded to my house as it showed through the trees. "I have a job. An official position. Great friends. But I'm still unsure I fit. Sometimes, when I'm emotionally and mentally exhausted, I just avoid things I don't like. And that means staying out of town."
 
"Hmmm." The pegasus floated up beside me, and looked me in the eyes. "Well, we'd like to see you more. Feel better yet?"
 
"Yeah. Yeah, sure. I am feeling better. You have plans?"
 
"I'm treating the weather team to dinner at Birch's pub in half an hour. They have a great fish special. Wanna come?"
 
I mulled that for a minute.
 
"Sure." The more I considered, the more I liked it. Since returning, I hadn't had to deal with new harassment or rumors. Rarity let me restart work, since she couldn't decide if my sinister somepony had abandoned or accomplished their goals. One was good, one was bad, but either was plausible. But being social was still a good idea, and it sounded fun. A smile crept onto my face. "Yeah, that sounds really nice. I'll just wash my hands and change quick."
 
"Sure."
 
"So, I've been wondering this for a while." I glanced reflectively at Rainbow, gently hovering nearby.
 
"Yeah?"
 
"How can you fly when you only flap, like, once every ten seconds?"
 
"Pure awesome. Oh, and magic or something."
 
"Well, I know that, but-"
 
We continued into town, the conversation drifting easily this way and that.
 


 
I walked home afterwards, whistling and picking my teeth with a fishbone. Rainbow had been right; Birch did a great battered fish. They even made potato fries for me, on special request. I patted my belly, full of hot, greasy protein for the first time in quite a while. I needed that more often.
 
The weather team had been surprisingly welcoming. I'd been introduced to several very friendly ponies, most of whom declared that any friend of Rainbow's was their friend, too. It’s likely only the friendly ones actually came, but that didn't make it any less enjoyable. I'd spent a nice evening trying to learn the rules of pegaus hoofball from Thunderlane. As far as I could tell, the game was one step away from Calvinball, although the fact I couldn't get Blitzball out of my head didn't help. Still, the idea of a three-dimensional ballgame was fascinating.
 
"Wes, that you?" I stopped, looking up. On the balcony above my head, Twilight was standing near her telescope, holding a notebook.
 
"Yeah. How'd you guess?"
 
"Whistling Eleanor Rigby? Also, not enough footsteps."
 
"Oh." I stopped, and leaned against the sign. "What's up?"
 
"I had something for you." She disappeared inside, and came out the front a moment later, holding a slim volume.
 
"Oh, this is that fillies…journal?" I took it, turning it over curiously. It might be a journal, but I hesitated to open it; if the nameless pegasus was anything equivalent to a teenage girl, I had some idea she might be extremely sensitive about others reading her thoughts. The cover was cloth-covered with a flower-like design, maybe a cutie mark, embossed on it.
 
"Could be." Twilight shrugged. "I dunno. But you left it here, and she might want it back."
 
"Yeah." I tucked it into a pocket but didn't leave, tipping my head to gaze at the stars. "What's the project?"
 
"Mapping constellations." She sighed. "I'm trying to discern if astrology has roots in ancient magic. Now, it's meaningless nonsense, but Starswirl took it very seriously. Maybe our modern practice is based on something that actually worked."
 
"Huh." I stared upwards, trying to pick shapes out of the unfamiliar stars.
 
"Sorry, but…I'm pretty sure it's gone."
 
"Huh?"
 
"Your constellation. The one Luna made you."
 
"Oh. Yeah. I noticed."
 
"What did you call it? The drinking gourd?"
 
"The little dipper." I corrected.
 
"Right." We stood in silence for a minute.
 
"Um, Twilight…"
 
"Yeah?"
 
"The mindlink. It's cool. But, I think we need to test it, to ensure if one of us used it against the other, we wouldn't be helpless."
 
"You would never do that!"
 
"Thanks." I smiled. "Neither would you. But if Sombra captured one of us?" She shivered.
 
"Um. Maybe we should test it. For Science."
 
"Right. Anyways, 'night. Rainbow told me off, so I'll be around more."
 
"Wes…" She paused. "We're not pushing you into anything."
 
"I know." I turned. "You don't have to. Really, I enjoy your company. And knowing you enjoy mine is nice. I mean it; I'll be around."
 


 
"Ooof." Lyra exhaled as I completed the throw. I'd done it slowly, and she landed on a mat, but I still worried for a second when she didn't rise.
 
"Ok," she said, still lying there. "I'm napping. This is super comfy, and I'm tired of being thrown around."
 
"Jeeeeediiiiiii…" I whined, pouring angst into my voice. "I need your help with throws!"
 
"Shutupshutup, nopony else throws like that, so why are you worried?"
 
"Because. You want me to be the best." I picked a patch of sun and sat. The training room was, as always, still, silent, warm and welcoming, and smelled faintly of pine trees. "How can I be the best at throwing without help?"
 
"Fine. But let's break for a minute. You promised an analysis when we got back. So, what did you see in my martial art?"
 
"Um." I hesitated, unsure. I'd thought extensively about what I'd seen, but she hadn't pushed for an answer before. I closed my eyes, digging up memories. The ripples in the smoke, the aftershocks of her kicks and punches….
 
"Noise." I finally said. I wasn't really sure, but she probably wouldn't penalize a wrong guess. "You use sound waves, constructive and destructive interference in your attacks."
 
"Wow." I opened my eyes; she was staring at me, pride evidence on her face. "I'm impressed."
 
"I was right?" I honestly hadn't expected that. It wasn't just a wild guess, but I wasn't certain, either.
 
"Half. But you’re closer than any of my opponents in the Underground. I ruled that ring, and none of them had the slightest idea what I was doing. I even chose Harmonix as my ring name, for crying out loud! The only one who was actually a challenge was Lahar, and although she thrashed me, I don't think even she caught on. Eventually, the reputation got a little troublesome. I couldn't find a decent sparring partner."
 
"Lahar. You mentioned her before."
 
"Yeah, a big earth pony mare. Stronger than an ox, I tell ya."
 
"Is that unusual? An earth pony dominating a unicorn fighting ring?"
 
"Not really." Lyra rolled over, curling up in the sunshine, her golden eyes half-lidded. "Actually, earth ponies and pegasi average better than unicorns. But they're in the minority, so it's not immediately obvious."
 
"Why?"
 
"Well defined limits." Lyra shrugged. "Unicorn magic is flexible, and few ponies understand their strength. For pegasi and earth ponies it's much clearer. One focuses on speed, the other, strength. Some try for combinations or attempt other oddities, but they mostly have an obvious progression. That gives amateurs a strong edge. Actually, one-on-one, earth ponies are the best bet. Passive strength and toughness gives them extreme survivability. Pegasi speed is fearsome, but needs more training."
 
"Huh. Is that why Lahar rules?"
 
"Maybe." Lyra yawned. "I have no idea where her strength comes from; it's basically ridiculous. But she does more than just fight the hardest; she actually organizes the thing. When I say 'rule', I mean as in, she makes the rules."
 
"Oh."
 
"Anyways, you pass." She tucked her nose under her hoof, serious about napping. "Next time, we're doing something different. Meditate before showing up. And, this might sound weird, but you said Splinter left his horn to you. Bring it."
 
"Alright." I said, somewhat dubious. It wasn't until walking down the stairs I realized we never finished throws. "Blargh." I facepalmed. Oh well; she was the teacher. I'd best let her sleep.
 


 
"Watchoooout!"
 
Slam! Splat. Thump.
 
"Ooof!"
 
"Ow!"
 
"Ponyfeathers!"
 
I looked up from sprawling on the floor. Spike wheezed heavily, and I tried to climb off him, only to find Rainbow on top of me. Twilight sighed in frustration. A creampuff was skewered on her horn, dripping blueberry filling onto her nose. The door swung lazily in the breeze.
 
"Really, Rainbow. Have you heard of slowing down before stopping?" She levitated a nearby towel, and wiped the confection off as best she could.
 
"Slowing down is for wimps." Rainbow flipped herself into the air with a twitch of her wings. "What the hay are you two doing?"
 
"Wrestling." I sat up, freeing Spike, and stretched my back.
 
"What? What does wrestling have to do with creampuffs? Hey, these are good!" She had her nose in our container of pastries. I snatched it away, and she gave me a wounded look.
 
"Well, I wanted water balloons," Twilight grumped. "But Pinkie wouldn't give us any."
 
"Apparently the latest revelation from the party dimension says anything you can do with a water balloon, you can do better with a creampuff." I found the lid and clapped it on the basket, much to Rainbow's disappointment.
 
"But, wrestling?" She asked, trying to pry my fingers off the confections. Lacking opposable thumbs hindered her slightly.
 
"Well..." Twilight paused, organizing her thoughts. "You know how Wesley and I have this dark magic spell, binding us together in unspeakable union?"
 
"Um, yeah?"
 
"We were wondering how much potential for evil it has. So, we've been trying to take over each other's mind."
 
Rainbow boggled.
 
"Must you be so dramatic?" I sighed. "Look, Rainbow, because it takes magic, only Twilight can begin the link between us. I was curious as to how much damage could be done if one of us turned against the other. So we we're investigating."
 
"With creampuffs."
 
"Yeah, okay. Watch." I sat cross-legged. Twilight positioned herself across the room. I handed Spike a creampuff and tucked the basket behind a shelf, hoping Rainbow wouldn't notice. Something like feathers brushed my mind, and I grasped the tendrils of power. If I refused, the link wouldn't start, but the more power involved, the harder refusal was. Twilight and I locked eyes. Our breathing synchronized.
 
Spike raised the creampuff. Telekinesis was a simple spell; simply think of the object, and energize that concept with 'lift'. I borrowed some power from Twilight, held my horn up like a wand, and wrapped an aura around the pastry. It floated out of his hand, the magic fitfully shifting and crackling with orange and purple. Spike dove behind a bookshelf.
 
"See, both of us are holding it now," Twilight said. "I wanted to know how strength was shared. Spike?" The dragon held up a hand and counted off with his claws. When the last one fell the creampuff lurched, first towards Twilight, then back towards me.
 
"We're each trying to force it towards each other," I gasped. "So far, we've found that Twilight is definitely stronger. But." I split my attention, shoving hard on the pastry and also feeding a confusing mixture of sensations across the link. The creampuff lurched away from me, nearly striking Twilight. "I'm better at multitasking. So, if I distract her, I have the upper hoof. Otherwise, I'm in trouble." The sweet lurched again, this time towards me. I tightened my grip, trying to pull more power across the link, but Twilight had a firm grasp on it. She snatched back at the magic, but I held tight.
 
"He's tricky," she grunted, horn flaring as she pushed magic into the spell, forcing the pastry back. "We found whoever holds more magic controls the link. As long as I concentrate, I can cut him off. But if he manages to distract me, he can grab-"
 
<"Bacon!"> I yelled. Twilight  winced and I shoved the creampuff with all my might. It zipped across the room, nearly reaching her. However, she threw herself flat and used my momentary surprise to return it.
 
Splat.
 
"Mmm." I licked delicious filling off my cheek. "Ok, I dunno. Maybe Pinkie's right?"
 
"You don't have fur." Twilight snorted disdainfully. "Anyways, Dash, that's what we were doing. What's the score, Spike?"
 
"Three wins, Wes. Five wins, Twilight. Even if Rainbow's interrupting counts for Wes, Twilight still has five out of nine."
 
"Best six out of eleven?" I asked. Twilight gave me a troubled look, and I raised my hands. "Just kidding, I give, I give! Let's wash up." She nodded gratefully, and took off. I stepped into the kitchen to splash some water on my face. Maybe next time I'd suggest using a cushion, just to see the realization dawn.
 
"So, what did you need?" Spike asked Rainbow.
 
"Well, I wanted to borrow-"
 
I slipped out; they were discussing comics. I'd borrowed a stack from Spike myself, and I was looking forward to them. Hopefully I could get some introvert time in this afternoon.
 
"Hey, Wes!" Rainbow called.
 
"Yeah?" I stuck my head back in.
 
"The CMC were looking for you. Oh, and Thunderlane wanted to visit. Mind if I bring him around?"
 
"No problem. Drop in whenever." I rubbed a shoulder. "Although maybe not literally?"
 
"Pff. Wimp." She smirked. I smiled back.
 


 
"Alright." Lyra sat before me on the mat, and locked eyes. "Listen, because this is important. You've brought what I asked?" I nodded, and slipped the horn out of my knife sheath. It was about as long as my hand, gently fluted and an orange-yellow.
 
"How much do you know about horns?"
 
"Not much."
 
"Ok. First, they are literally made out of magic. This is magic, in a solid form." I turned the ivory over in my hands, feeling it's warmth, idly wondering about elements and molecules. Lyra continued. "That magic is mixed with the unicorn's life-force, which controls casting. Normally, when that ends, the horn disintegrates. Sometimes a shell will be left, but not often."
 
"This is different." She pointed to the horn. "Splinter died by self-sacrifice. The intent is important; he put your well-being above his own."
 
She paused a moment. I sniffed, a tear running down my nose.
 
"Well, he was a great pony," she said softly. "No denying that. But he left you more than a memento. You may have realized something was up; I'm sure somepony commented."
 
I nodded weakly. I'd seen a few reactions to my having the horn of a dead unicorn. Sunset Shimmer's had been the most obvious.
 
"I believe Splinter's concern for you transformed the life-force inside. Either so it wouldn't fade, or so it matches your own enough you can maintain the horn." She paused. "If it's the latter, you could maybe learn magic. Maybe."
 
I frowned slightly. I had already cast using this horn, although she didn't know it. But the rest of this was new, and somewhat troubling information.
 
"How would I tell?" I asked. "About what happened."
 
"A horn grows." Lyra tapped her own. "Slowly, depending on strength. Have you seen anypony get theirs polished?" I nodded; Rarity had hers sharpened once, at the spa. "During casting, small amounts of magic layer on. Given a long enough, all of us would have horns like Celestia." She shrugged. "But that would look silly. So most of us shape them a little. Yours might slowly change shape, too."
 
"Huh." I ran my fingers over the horn. "And color?"
 
"Interesting question. That would depend on several things, mainly magic color." I thought back. Orange-purple? Hopefully not. My gem had been orange. I raised the horn to eye level, and inspected it. Was it a shade darker?
 
"How could I cast? I don't have any magic." I could borrow it, but…numancy. I paused, seriously considering explaining the gem and what it meant. She'd seen it, but never asked. Of course, for all she knew, all humans had them.
 
"Of course you have magic." She gave me a stern look. "Everything in the world has magic."
 
"But I’m not-" From this world. I stopped short. "I can't do anything like that."
 
"That's what I'll teach." She stopped, shifting uncomfortably. "Maybe."
 
"Maybe?"
 
"I'm a weak caster," she admitted. "You know that. My art uses weak magic effectively. Matter of fact, if I was stronger, I wouldn't be able to do some of it. I hope you can learn. But you may be too weak." She looked at the horn in my hands. "It's a long shot. But worth a try."
 
"Hmm." I considered. "Well, I'll try. What now?"
 
"Here." She flipped open a small brass box, removing a complicated ring-shaped mechanism, a system of interlinked orbital gears. "Put this on."
 
I slipped it onto my ring finger. It was rather large.
 
"Pfft, no. Hah, I didn't even consider that. It goes on your horn."
 
"Oh." I felt a little sheepish, but corrected myself.
 
"Why that finger?" I looked up. She had her little notebook ready.
 
"That's my ring finger." She took a note. "Hey." I stopped her as she was about to put the book away. "You're taking notes on my culture? For equuology research?"
 
"Yeah. Well, mainly for Bon-Bon."
 
"Hah." I laughed softly. "What does she think so far?"
 
"You're weird."
 
"Ahahaha! Well, sure!"
 
"Actually, we started by trying to discover where you're from, by comparing your culture with others we'd studied." She made a face, sticking out her tongue. "You're either from impossibly far, or the future."
 
"Heh. Well." I set my horn down, and dropped my head into my hands, thinking for a minute. Lyra shifted uncomfortably under my steady gaze, but I held it in silence. "Actually," I said, finally coming to a decision, "I need to talk to you about that. But afterwards."
 
I wasn't sure how much I should tell Lyra. She was a great person, and a lot of fun, but didn't always make the best choices. Still, she wanted desperately to know more about me, and there wasn't much to lose by telling her how I got here, at least. Not that it would help much; I was as curious about the 'how' as she would be. But telling her I was from another world shouldn't hurt. She'd done a lot of good for me and would love to hear it. It would also let me give clearer answers to some of her questions. As long as I could exact a sincere promise to keep my secrets close, I wanted to tell her.
 
"….ok." She returned my stare flatly for a few seconds. "Cool. Well, let me see. What's it read?"
 
"How do you take a…oh, right." I spun the outer ring, letting the inner traverse its oval course several times before tapping it once.
 
"Why shake it?"
 
"Gets a better reading." I said absently. "These old ones have sticky ratchets."
 
"And ten minutes ago, I thought you'd never seen a thaumometer." Lyra gave me a searching look.
 
"Hehe." I laughed nervously, and scratched my head. I glanced at the thaumometer as it registered, and my jaw dropped. "Three mini swirls?" I said, shocked.
 
"Now, I know that's not much," Lyra began. An average unicorn was rated at one swirl. Starswirl had implemented the measurement, and it had been used for years. But even that…
 
"Nonono, that's not it." I shushed her impatiently, and took the reading again. The same. Again. Still, three mini swirls. "How is this possible? I wasn't lying, Lyra. I should literally have no magic. I don't care if you believe me or not, but something very odd is going on here. Is…is this why my compass doesn't read well?"
 
Twilight and I had discussed this, although we'd never used a thaumometer. Magic wasn't something that existed on Earth; I was pretty sure of that. The fields had measurable physical side-effects, which should show on anyone with potential. The most noticeable was a magnetic effect. Even passive magic registered on a sensitive magnetometer. If humans had magic fields, someone would have noticed. We weren't normally magnetic.
 
"Dunno." She shrugged. "But, you do have magic. Either you're abnormal for a human, or it happened after your arrival. Not enough to cast much, but you can learn sensing. And, I think, parts of my martial arts."
 
"Oh." I paused. I could sense magic. I'd been casting detection in the Everfree for a while now. "Actually, I can sense magic with this." I tapped the horn. "But does that take power?"
 
"Well, yeah. What you feel is magic nearby interacting with your own. I'm surprised you learned by yourself."
 
"Like, current induction?"
 
"…maybe, whatever that is. Anyways, you have more than none. I cast at seven mini swirls, but don't know the lower limit for my art."
 
"Wow." I spun the thaumometer again, marveling at the reading. "Wow." It wasn't enough magic to lift a teacup; the scale wasn't linear progression. Lyra was more than three times as powerful. But still. Hmm. I pictured the magic I had used at Twilight's. Maybe that's where the orange crackles come from?
 
"So, let's try this." Lyra plucked the instrument from my horn, and returned it to its case. "Can you sense me cast? This spell is my original composition, based on unique research, and underpins the entirety of my art." She lit her horn, ever so slightly. I closed my eyes and tried to detect it.
 
"Sure," I said, frowning. The magic was definitely there; a gentle flow, very unlike the jagged spells I usually found in the Everfree. But it was very faint. From further away, I'd have missed it.
 
"Can you tell what I'm casting?" I concentrated, trying to get a read. Field-shape was easy, but the attributes were odd.
 
"Is that…echonarchy?" I stumbled over the word, trying to comprehend the field. I was no expert, but the spell seemed related to sound.
 
"Close! Although after guessing my methodology, that might be inference. There's more. Watch."
 
I gasped as she released the spell. Instead of spreading into the surroundings, the energy fed back into her skull and spread through her body. If I hadn't been looking, I'd have missed it. The whole thing was extremely subtle; it barely qualified as a spell. She could activate it much faster, too. No wonder I'd gotten nothing but fuzz when scanning her fight.
 
"That's metamancy." I exclaimed. "You're altering the qualities of the magic in your own body…to make it act more like sound?" She gave me a truly impressed look.
 
"Exactly! Can you see it work?" I watched as she moved her head, studying the flows of magic, and how the spell changed their properties.
 
"You're setting up resonances. Beats and nodes, in your own magic." I watched as she flexed a foreleg. My eyes saw the muscle tighten smoothly, but with my horn, I sensed magic concentrate there as she adjusted the nodes her metaspell was creating, moving power to reinforce the muscle.
 
"Right. Since sound is in my special talent, it's a breeze to manipulate. So, I can do this."  She spun, and lashed out at the punching bag. The magic in her leg flashed forward, the gathered energy lending weight to send the sand-filled sack flying. "It's not about power, but instead about effect. If I keep my magic in my body and use it to strengthen my natural abilities, I can achieve effects stronger unicorns couldn't dream of."
 
"The power would burn them."
 
"Look, punk." Lyra cut off, annoyed. "I know you're smart, but don't be a showoff!" She pushed her nose close to mine. "Who's the Jedi here? Huh?"
 
"You are!" I raised my hands in surrender. "Sorry, but this is fascinating."
 
"Right. Well, that's all. The only question is, are you ready for this?" She shot me a grave look. "I know you're doing better, and I hope that continues. But again, I'll tell you; I hope to fashion you into a lethal weapon. I'm convinced you have even more potential than I did, and l’ll be working to bring that out. It won't be easy, and there are some walls you'll just never be able to climb, but it takes strength of character and commitment. I won't teach you this unless you're sure you're ready." She stood, pacing back and forth.
 
"I know you're not sure about fighting, so don't accept unless you know you can deal with being even more dangerous."  She pointed to the destroyed sandbag. Her kick would have knocked over a house. "You can't unlearn that. You'll always have to restrain yourself. It's not a weapon you can leave at home. I'm confident you're ready, but…it comes down to self-control. If you're not certain, we'll stop."
 
I ground my palms into my eyes and thought, long and hard.
 
Yes, I was doing better. I would always shudder looking back, but I no longer feared moving forward. I would be plagued by nightmares, for a while if not forever, but I wasn't afraid to sleep. I had a semblance of control over my life, but I also had leaders I trusted, ready to shield me, who could look ahead and tell me what the future held.
 
What if I lost myself?
 
I didn't want to be a danger. I didn't want to hurt my friends, even if black magic or mind control meant it wasn't my fault. Could I risk being more of a weapon? I didn't want to be defined as a sword, destined to cut any near me. That was why I resisted hardening myself to murder and death, despite the cold relief offered; I wanted to retain compassion, because if I abandoned what made me human, I was afraid I’d never get it back. I’d have no reason to care. Through pain, retaining feeling was worth it. Would this make that harder? Could I risk accepting?
 
Then I considered my opponents.
 
Sombra wasn't pulling punches. He'd nearly consigned a lieutenant and four thousand innocents to the black void of inter-reality as a ploy, a trap. He’d almost succeeded. If Twilight hadn't broken his hold on the Elements I would still be caught in the Crystal Empire, only Shadow and the Windigos for company. What was next? Could I risk refusing?
 
No…that wasn't right. I couldn't accept because I was afraid of being hurt, lost, or killed; all those scared me, sure. But that wasn't it; I needed to protect my friends from being hurt, lost, or killed. I couldn't be the weak link. I didn't know how Dash felt, or the reason Fluttershy forced herself along, but if I wasn't strong enough to stand beside them, covering their weakness with my strength in return for their protection, what sort of comrade would I be?
 
"Teach me." I lowered my hands.
 
"Oh, there's iron in your eyes." Lyra nodded decisively. "Good. I know you can do it."