Chapter 5 – Ten Yard Ring of Failure
I’m dying for one who doesn’t care
I’m dying for one who doesn’t know
The jagged rocks reached up like blades from the chasm beneath her.
Pinkie sat on the bridge and looked down. A flimsy, low-hanging rope was all that prevented her from tumbling to her death. Judging by the height, she would fall for a good four or five seconds before she hit the ground at terminal velocity. There wouldn’t be anything left to find. Her very existence would be reduced to a pink stain on a pile of rocks. Sooner or later, some poor pony would have to scrape up whatever was left of her. It wasn’t a comforting thought. Further along there was a flowing river. She got up with a sigh and trudged across the bridge.
There was no single event that sent her into a spiral of depression. Pinkie knew that this was who she was; this was the pony she had been hiding all these years. This was the pony who came out when nopony else was around. This was the pony who cried behind every fake smile.
But surely, they weren’t all fake?
No. She said to herself. The times I had with Twilight and Rainbow and Applejack and Rarity and Fluttershy...
And yet, where were they now? Twilight Sparkle would be teaching a class on ancient literature; Fluttershy would be out with her animal friends in a meadow; Rarity would be preparing outfits for the upcoming fashion show and Rainbow Dash would be napping on a cloud somewhere, not a care in the world.
Nopony knows I’m out here. I made sure of that.
And while they would all continue with their lives, Pinkie would be leaving the world as quietly and as lonely as she entered it. It was almost comforting to know that very soon, the pain was going to be over. She had no regrets. No fears. That was how she knew it was time to die.
When she was over the river, she stood up and leaned over, letting the cool air hit her face. It was a beautiful day. The sky was awash with sunshine and rainbows.
Wait a second. Rainbows?
“Pinkie Pie!”
The pink pony turned around and saw Rainbow Dash floating beside her. She touched down on the bridge and walked slowly towards her.
“What are you doing up here, Pinkie? We’ve been looking all over for you!”
“I’m admiring the view,” Pinkie replied nonchalantly.
“What do you say we go home?” Rainbow suggested, “We can walk back now and reach Ponyville by sundown. Eat our dinner at Twilight’s? Pinkie?”
“I’m not coming back,” Pinkie said quietly.
Rainbow’s head was low and submissive as she approached her friend. "Come on, Pinkie. Let's go home."
“Stop,” Pinkie said, taking hold of the rope, “that’s close enough!”
Rainbow stopped dead. She raised her hooves in submission, "Alright, Pinkie. Can we at least talk about this?"
Pinkie shook her head. Rainbow Dash noticed that there was something almost serene about the pink pony. Her mane was no longer as flat and lifeless as it was in the hospital and her pink colour had returned to her face. In fact, she looked happier and more peaceful than she had throughout the last six months when her depression had started to properly take hold. It was like a great cloud had been lifted after a thunderstorm.
“I’m not going to let you jump, Pinkie,” Rainbow said, her confidence returning, “You know I can swoop down and catch you before you hit the water.” The words slipped easily from her tongue, but she wasn’t sure if they were true. At this low altitude, even Rainbow Dash wouldn't be able to outspeed terminal velocity before Pinkie hit the water.
“Yeah, and then you can save my life again like the big damn hero that you are!”
Pinkie's words stung like a swarm of hornets, but Rainbow remained composed, “What kind of hero would I be if I couldn’t save the only pony who really matters to me?”
Pinkie looked down at her feet, “Leave me alone.”
Rainbow could feel the tears welling in her eyes. Her throat swelled from the pressure and she had to dip her head. “Pinkie...”
Pinkie Pie turned to see her friend. Under normal circumstances, the look of despair on the blue pony’s face would have torn Pinkie’s heart from her body. But this was different. Had she been able to feel anything, she might have felt her friend’s pain, pain that she had been carrying with her for so long. But Pinkie was passed being able to feel now. She was beyond sadness, beyond tears: tears were for ponies who gave a damn – she felt nothing but apathy and emptiness.
“Come home, Pinkie,” Rainbow whimpered desperately.
Pinkie looked at her. It was the longest look she had ever given her. She opened her mouth to speak, but the words couldn’t find their way out. She sighed heavily and turned away. “Leave me alone.”
Rainbow bit down on her jaw. She closed her eyes tightly.
Pinkie exhaled again. If she’d jumped at the rocks, she’d be dead by now, and she wouldn’t have to put up with the merciless guilt that was coiling around her neck, constricting her throat.
“Look, Pinkie,” Rainbow said. “I just want you to listen to me. I want to say my piece, and then I promise I’ll leave.”
Pinkie looked over at her and nodded.
Rainbow took a deep breath before she exploded into a fit of raging tears, “You know what it’s been like for me? I’ll tell you. Sometimes I turn around and I catch the smell of you, but it’s not really you. And I can’t go on. I cannot go on without expressing this physical, aching longing I have for you.”
Pinkie’s face remained expressionless.
“And I can’t believe that that I feel this for you and you feel nothing? Do you feel nothing?”
Pinkie said nothing.
“Do you feel nothing?” Rainbow repeated, desperately.
Pinkie said nothing. She turned her head away and looked down at her feet.
“Some days I go out at six in the morning and search for you,” Rainbow said, “I visit everywhere we’ve ever been, hoping that I will see your smiling face again. I see you in my dreams, the Pinkie I knew. If I’ve ever dreamt her face, I’ll go there and wait for her.”
Pinkie said nothing.
Rainbow let out a racking sob, “I just want to see her again. Is that too much to ask?”
Pinkie said nothing. It was becoming more and more difficult to hear.
“I’m begging you, Pinkie,” Rainbow cried, throwing herself at Pinkie’s feet. “I’m begging you to save me from this madness that eats me. Please come back to me. Don’t do this.” Rainbow buried her face into her forelegs and wept.
“It’s all about you, isn’t it?” Pinkie said.
Rainbow looked up. “What do you mean?”
“It’s all ‘No Pinkie, don’t kill yourself, it’s selfish’ and ‘no Pinkie, don’t kill yourself, what will other ponies think?’ and ‘No Pinkie, don’t kill yourself I can’t bear to lose you.’” Pinkie sighed heavily and turned to face Rainbow, “Well what about me? WHAT ABOUT ME? Where the do I fit into this picture? You expect me to live in a cage just to keep everypony else happy? Hide what I am just so you can keep on smiling? Well guess what? I’m done. I’ve had enough of making other ponies smile while I feel like dying inside.”
She paused while Rainbow continued to cry. Then she gripped the ropes tightly and prepared for her final submission.
“Don’t do this, Pinkie Pie,” Rainbow said. “You’re not thinking clearly. You’re worth so much more to me than the echoes of a broken memory! ”
Pinkie sighed. “Remember the light and believe the light; an instant of clarity before eternal night.”
Rainbow’s eyes widened in horror as she recognised the words of her own poem.
“For the first time in months, I am thinking clearly,” Pinkie said, “This is the only way I can ever be free.”
As Rainbow saw Pinkie take hold of the bridge ropes and start to climb, she knew what was coming next. In a last ditch attempt to stop her friend from ending her life, Rainbow opened her mouth and sang:
It's true some days are dark and lonely
And maybe you feel sad
But Rainbow will be there to show you that it isn't that bad
There's one thing that makes me happy and makes my whole life worthwhile
And that's when I talk to Pinkie Pie and I get her to smile-
Unable to finish, she broke down in tears once more.
Then she heard the quiet splash from below as Pinkie hit the river.
Then silence.
She looked over the side of the bridge to see if she could see her friend, but she saw nothing.
Nothing.
Pinkie was gone.
As still as my heart when your voice is gone
I shall freeze in hell
Of course I love you
I always loved you, even when I hated you
Please open the curtains.