Mailpony Rules

by Pyromanecer

Chapter 4: Benches

As Celestia’s sun rose, houses all across Ponyville found themselves slowly filling with light. Patches of warm sun crept across the inside of various dwellings, sequentially lighting different bits of interior flooring as the sun continued its path across the morning sky. One of these splotches happened to be crawling across the bedroom of a certain mailmare, who was enjoying the fact that today was a day where she could sleep in. Disdainful of this fact, the spot of light coming through her window continued moving, eventually alighting on her face.
Grumbling, Ditzy Doo closed her eyes tighter, attempting to block out the soft orange glow that filtered through her eyelids. When that failed to block out the spots, she tried covering her face with her hooves. To no avail, it turned out, as she realized she was already awake. Ditzy sighed, and resigned herself to the fact that it was time to get up.
Grudging determination gained, she opened her eyes, only to immediately squint them when the sun metaphorically slapped her in the face with light. After rubbing her eyes to clear the colorful specks, Ditzy tried to open them again. When she managed this, she nearly had a heart attack as she saw what was sitting in front of her.
Dinky, blond mane turned shining golden in the sun, was right in front of her face. Since Ditzy was lying down, her daughter’s eyes were level with her own, which did nothing to alleviate the sheer creepiness of the situation. Below the happy, staring eyes was a smile so large that it dwarfed the rest of her face. The unicorn filly was not doing anything. No sound, no movement, just sitting there. Staring.
After Ditzy recovered from her silent heart attack, she softly spoke.
“Dinky, what are you doing?”
The filly’s smile didn’t falter. “Waiting for you to get up.”
Ditzy blinked. “H-how long have you been there?” she asked.
Dinky looked at her wrist. While her mother was trying to figure out what she was trying to do, Dinky replied, “A while.”
The pegasus contemplated this for a moment, and then sat up and kicked off the covers. “Don’t do that, Muffin,” she said, “It’s creepy.”
“‘Kay,” the small unicorn replied, using her magic to make the bed. Ditzy grunted her thanks as stretched at the foot of the bed, wings flaring and back arched. “Mistah Tempest is making breakfast downstairs. He told me to tell you to come down whenever you’re ready.”
Ditzy lowered her wings and turned to face her daughter, smiling. “That’s kind of him.” she said, one eye looking at Dinky and the other admiring herself in the mirror. “You want to go eat?”
“Uh-huh!”
“Well then, hop on,” Ditzy told her, turning around again. Dinky giggled and jumped onto her mother’s back. The pegasus smiled again and began to walk downstairs, a delicious smell wafting up from the kitchen.
The pair came into the kitchen just as Tempest Rider was setting the third plate down on the table. Looking up at them, he grinned.
“Morning,” he greeted as Dinky jumped from her mother’s back to her special chair. Raising an eyebrow at this display of agility, he looked at Ditzy. “Sleep well?”
“Very,” she replied, sitting down. “Work is nice, but so are days off.”
Tempest nodded in agreement, and pulled up a chair for himself. He began eating, and Ditzy looked down at her plate. Her head tilted to the side as she realized she didn’t know what this was. It looked like an omelette, but different somehow. There appeared to be chunks of something in it, along with bits of something green.
Trying not to be impolite, Ditzy asked, “What is it?”
“Good!” Dinky replied, already eating with gusto, a bit of egg handing off her horn.
Smirking at the complement to his cooking, Tempest looked at Ditzy. “It’s something I learned to make when I realized that I lived alone and couldn’t cook. I call it an Amalagamlette. You pretty much look in the fridge and put whatever you think would taste good together in an omelette.” Nodding towards his plate, he added, “This one has potatoes, cheese, and spinach. I have to say, I like the combination.”
As Tempest went back to eating, Ditzy looked at her plate, shrugged, and took a big bite. It was delicious. She would have to remember the recipe.
After everyone had finished eating and was sitting contentedly at the table, Dinky looked at her mother.
“So we’re going to the park today, right Mama?” she asked, obviously excited.
“Right, Muffin.”
Dinky was bouncing in her seat with excitement. “When do we get to go?”
Glancing at the clock on the wall, the mare replied, “Well, we could probably go...” she stopped as one of her eyes looked back at Dinky. “...After you go wipe breakfast off your face.”
Dinky was most certainly a mess. There was a piece of spinach above her eye and the bit of egg on her horn was still dangling there like a misplaced yellow earring. Her face was covered in melted cheese and chunks of potato were stuck to her cheeks.
Before Ditzy could discern any more details about the pseudo-omelette that was her daughter, Dinky dashed off, probably intending to clean up as quickly as possible so she could get to the park sooner. Chuckling, the mare turned back towards Tempest, where she was greeted with a similar sight.
It seemed that Dinky and Tempest Rider subscribed to the same school of table manners. Coagulating cheese was smeared across his face like mud at a spa, and spinach studded his face, making it look like he had some horrible flesh-eating disease. Feeling someone looking at him, the stallion turned towards Ditzy and looked back.
“What?” he asked.
Ditzy bit her lip, trying not to laugh. “...You go clean up too.”

After the two were satisfactorily mess-free, Ditzy led them to the park. Located near the center of town, the park was a quaint green field nestled in the otherwise urban area. Currently, it was filled with a multitude of ponies simply out enjoying the sunshine. Foals were playing on the brightly-colored playsets, while parents and other adults were lounging on the park benches, chatting airily with each other or simply enjoying the nice weather.
As soon as Ditzy touched down, Dinky leaped off her back and dashed over to play with the other young ones. Watching her daughter run off, Ditzy turned to Tempest Rider, one eye still watching to make sure the filly didn’t break the sound barrier.
“So, what do you want to do?” she asked.
Looking around, Tempest searched for something that caught his eye. Honestly, he kind of wanted to play on the slides. Figuring that would be more than a little creepy and not exactly good for his injured wing, he opted for a bench instead. Finding an unoccupied one sitting nicely in the shade of a large tree, he pointed his hoof towards it.
“How about sit?” he said.
Ditzy nodded. “Sounds nice,” she replied, heading off in the direction of the appointed bench. “It’s perfect lounging weather today.”
It really is, thought Tempest, gliding after the mare. It was warm, but not hot. A pleasant breeze blew through the town just enough to take the edge off of the heat. It wasn’t quite summer yet, so Ponyville was spared the oppressive humidity of the mid-year months in favor of the light springtime air.
Touching down on the bench, Tempest settled next to Ditzy. The latter sighed contentedly and leaned back farther, half-closing her eyes. Watching the hazy pattern of dappled light filtering through the leaves, she relaxed and simply enjoyed her day off, dozing.
Not two minutes later, she felt Tempest prodding her side. She half-heartedly opened one eye, focusing on him with mild annoyance.
“Erm, Ditzy,” he began, sounding slightly nervous and pointing with a hoof, “Is Dinky supposed to be doing that?”
Directing her singular optical orb toward the playground, she saw her daughter on the roof of one of the tall plastic huts, blowing raspberries at one of the colts. She smiled at this, finding the sight amusing.
“Don’t worry about her,” she assuaged as Dinky leapt from the roof to one of the small catwalks, “Dinky’s the most sure-footed thing I’ve ever seen. I’d think her father was part mountain goat if I didn’t know any better.”
“Speaking of which, who is her father?” Tempest asked, before hastily adding, “I-I mean if it’s not a bad subject or anything.”
“Not at all,” Ditzy replied, adjusting her position, “I don’t mind.” She gave him a moment to sigh in relief, and then resumed speaking.
“Not long after finishing Mailpony College, a new pony came to town. He was a traveling magician, and he came to Ponyville for a show and to spread his reputation.” Ditzy smiled at the memory. “He was so delightfully charming. And talented, too! He made fireworks and breathed fire and told the most fascinating stories! Everypony loved his performance, and Pinkie Pie, our resident Party Pony, threw a special post-show party for him. At the party, we started talking and, *cough* , drinking a little. I ended up inviting him to my house and...” At this point, Ditzy shifted and looked embarrassed.
“Well, anyways, when we woke up the next morning, we were both felt very awkward. That afternoon, he packed up his caravan and we said our strange little goodbyes. I haven’t seen him since.” The mare looked happy as she went through her old memories. “Several months later, Dinky was born. Personally, I think she looks more like me.”
“Wow,” Tempest said, “Sounds like life threw you a curve-ball.”
“Maybe,” Ditzy replied thoughtfully, “But I don’t see it like that. I feel more like Celestia gave me a little gift. I’d always wanted a foal, and now I had one. If I had the chance to change the outcome, I don’t think I would. Dinky is a wonderful daughter.”
Almost as if she could tell the two adults were discussing her, Dinky looked up from the tower she had been building out of woodchips. Glancing over her shoulder, she ran towards the park bench where the pair was sitting. Approaching her mother, she launched herself at the pegasus and wrapped her arms around her middle. Ditzy looked surprised for a moment, but then smiled and returned the hug.
After Dinky untangled herself from her mother, she turned towards Tempest. She looked at him for a moment, and then gave him the same treatment. Unsure of how to respond, Tempest tussled her mane a bit and awkwardly hugged back.
Surprise affection attack over, Dinky turned and sprinted back to her woodchip tower, off to defend it from any would-be besiegers.
Ditzy’s smile hadn’t left her face. “...Even if she is disturbingly clairvoyant.”
Tempest felt a grin of his own forming. “That was sweet,” he said. “And unexpected.”
The two lapsed into comfortable silence. Ditzy was watching her daughter play with the other foals, and Tempest watched the clouds roll lazily past.
Sitting up, Tempest decided to renew the conversation.
“As long as we’re discussing things I’m feeling awkward asking you about, what’s with your eyes? Were you born like that, or..” he asked, trailing off towards the end.
Smiling mischievously, Ditzy skillfully swiveled her eyes in opposite directions. “Actually, there’s a pretty good story behind how I got these babies. You see, it all started many years ago when I was a member of the Equestrian Secret Royal Air-force...”

“Hey!” the small orange colt shouted, “That’s cheating, Dinky! Get down!”
Dinky grinned down at the ground-bound earth pony. “Is not!” she yelled back, “You never said I couldn’t go on the roof!”
The colt stomped his hoof and glared up at the filly on top of the playset. She had climbed up to where he couldn’t get to, and it was frustrating him to no end. He’d be “it” for forever at this rate.
“How am I supposed to tag you if I can’t reach you?” he hollered.
“I dunno,” she giggled, hanging her head over the edge. “Figure something out, Almond!”
Almond slammed his nut-studded rump down on the ground, furiously trying to think of a way to get to Dinky. Finding his hooves devoid of answers, he instead started staring about at the other ponies he saw playing. His eyes scanned the various children, before alighting on something that gave him an idea. Smirking evilly, he jumped up and started running off toward what he saw.
From her vantage point, Dinky could only watch as Almond dashed out of sight. Unable to follow his progress, the filly instead started trying to guess what he was going to try. Before her psychic powers could activate, however, Almond came back into view, this time dragging another colt. A pegasus.
“Oh no,” she breathed as Almond whispered in the new-arrival's, Cirrus, ear, pointing in her direction. The pair nodded, and Almond slapped the white pegasus’s hoof. The colt rose into the air and aimed himself in her direction. Then he took off like a rocket.
“Eep!” Dinky shrieked delightedly as the white streak barreled towards her. Leaping off the roof, she landed on an adjacent railing just as the Cirrus whizzed by like a furry lightning bolt. Tracking his progress with her eyes, she watched as he pulled a wide turn and started heading her way again. She wisely decided to jump off the railing and onto a nearby slide, before hopping down onto the ground. As soon as her hooves hit the earth, the pegasus shot past her head and landed, hooves gouging trenches in the woodchips as he slid. Dinky didn’t see the impressive 180 he managed to pull by the end of his skid, as she was already sprinting in the other direction.
The unicorn panted as she hauled tail away from her adversary. The only thought in her mind was to put as much distance between her and “it” as possible. Glancing over her shoulder, she saw that Cirrus was gaining on her, now on foot since they were under the playsets. Turning back to the direction she was running, she was just in time to see Almond leap in front of her path.
“Gotcha!” he cried triumphantly, rearing onto his back hooves to grab her. His satisfied smirk turned into a shocked expression as Dinky charged into him headlong. Similarly unable to stop, Cirrus barreled into the two, sending them tumbling in a ball of bodies and limbs.
When the three finally came to a rest, Almond was belly-down in the dirt with Dinky on top of him, while Cirrus was sprawled against them, tail trapped on the bottom. After shaking his head to clear the stars, the pegasus was the first to speak.
“So, um, who’s it now?” he asked. Dinky responded by giggling, which Almond soon joined in on. Soon, the jumbled heap of ponies was turned into a laughing jumbled heap of ponies.
Almond was the first to recover. “He he, hoo...” he finished, wiping his eye. “That was fun. Anyways, can you get off me, Dinky? You’re kinda heavy.”
Dinky rubbed her chin thoughtfully. “Hmm...” she pondered, “Nah. You can stay there.”
“Hey!” he protested, as Dinky and Cirrus dissolved back into giggles. Pouting, he crossed his arms as he waited for them to let him up.

“...and after I channeled the entire lightning storm into the serpent’s exposed brain, he finally died. Unfortunately, all that electricity messed up my mind. Specifically, the part that controls my eyes. I’ve been like this ever since.” Ditzy finished, rubbing an eye for emphasis.
Tempest Rider raised a skeptical eyebrow. “Uh-huh,” he said, doubtfully. “So that’s how it happened?”
“Yep.”
“Really?”
“No, of course not,” she said, jokingly looking at him like he was stupid. “That’s ridiculous. I was born like this.” Ditzy shrugged. “Honestly, I can’t imagine not being able to see two things at once.”
“Well,” Tempest began, putting on a false air of wisdom, “It’s a lot like what you see, only half as much.”
Ditzy chuckled at the witty response. “Good one,” she said. “Now it’s my turn.”
“Your turn to what?”
“Ask questions,” she answered, scooting closer. “For example, why did you pick long-distance delivery as a specialty?”
“Because I don’t like flying over large crowds of ponies.” Tempest replied.
Ditzy stared (sort of) a little. “That’s... specific.” she said.
“The fact that I can fly strait through storms kinda works in my favor too,” he continued. “And you should see some of the crowds in Hayton. Some of the city blocks probably have more ponies than your entire town. And when they’re all talking and shuffling around on the street they make all these crazy updrafts and air currents that are really hard to fly in and aren’t helped at all by the twenty pounds of letters in my bag.”
“So you’d rather fly halfway across Equestria than deal with crowds?”
Tempest nodded. “Much rather.”
“...Alright,” Ditzy said, “Moving on. Um, what’s your house like?”
Rubbing his chin, Tempest thought about how to answer. “OK,” he began, having decided, “Imagine your house.”
Ditzy waited for him to continue, before she realized that that was a command. “Oh! Um, OK, I’m imagining it.” she replied, closing her eyes.
“Good,” Tempest told her, nodding despite the fact that she couldn’t see him. “Now, it’s nothing like that.”
Opening her eyes, Ditzy glared as Tempest chuckled slightly. “Ha ha,” she sarcastically laughed. “Now, how about some real information?”
“There’s nothing to say about it, really,” Tempest said, ending his laugh with a little snort. “It’s a city apartment. Four walls and a bed. The neighbors are alright, though, and there aren’t roaches everywhere, so it could definitely be worse.”
Suddenly, Tempest shuddered. “And it has been. I’ve had some really bad flat mates before. Want to hear about them?”
Ditzy shrugged. “Sure, go ahead.”
Eyes gleaming, Tempest started his story. “Alright, so once, there was this snake charmer guy that moved in above me...”

“...and then animal control walked back out of the building with twenty cages and lots of scratches. We still don’t know how he smuggled three dozen squirrels into the building, or how he got them so aggressive, but the scientist guy was evicted that day. He might be in jail now.”
Gasping, Ditzy tried to stop laughing long enough to respond. She was unable to decide whether she should feel sorry for all the unpleasantness Tempest had to go through for these stories or continue to laugh at the tales of his horrible neighbors.
Around the point where Tempest was wondering if she was choking instead of laughing and was contemplating the Heimlich maneuver, the mare finally managed to calm down enough to speak. “Wow,” she said, pausing for another chuckle, “I haven’t laughed that hard in ages. You have a way with stories.”
Tempest shrugged. “Years of long flights by myself have give me a rather entertaining internal voice,” he explained. "It also helps having funny experiences with crazy ponies in the same building to talk about."
“I can’t imagine living near ponies like that,” Ditzy continued after an amused snort. “Most citizens of Ponyville are really nice. It must be really frustrating sharing a building with such bothersome ponies.”
“Why do you think I deliver things to far away places?” Tempest joked, raising an eyebrow. “Honestly, though, it’s not really that horrible. Most of the time my neighbors are just occasionally obnoxious. Day-in day-out annoyances generally get evicted pretty quickly.”
At the mention of the word “day,” Ditzy looked to the sky. She was shocked to see that several hours had already passed since they arrived, and that it was already lunch time. A little past, in fact.
Following her gaze, Tempest too noted the position of the sun. “Wow,” he said. “Time flies when you’re having fun, huh?”
“Yeah,” Ditzy replied, standing up. “It’s already time to eat. Dinky!”
Hearing her mother’s call, the filly looked up from what she was doing, which was, currently, holding Almond’s hoof. Behind his head. While he was face-down in the dirt.
“What?” she called back.
“It’s time for lunch! Let’s go!”
“Aw!” Dinky complained, releasing Almond from the hold she had him in. Almond grunted and got up, rubbing his shoulder. The colt winced again as Dinky surprise-hugged him.
“Bye, Almond!” she said.
Hesitantly returning the hug, Almond answered “Bye, Dinky.”
Before the earth pony could react, Dinky dashed off towards her mother, leaving him slightly confused and with a sore arm. On her way, she called back over her shoulder.
“By the way, I won!”
Oblivious to what they had been competing in, Almond just watched her run.

As her daughter approached, Ditzy turned to Tempest.
“So,” she began, “Where do you think we should eat?”
Tempest stared at her blankly. “I don’t know where anything is,” he replied, “I only got here a couple days ago.”
“Oh, right,” Ditzy said, blushing a little and feeling dumb. “Sorry.”
By this point, Dinky had walked up to the pair. She sat down on the ground in front of them, pouting slightly at having to leave, but happy that they were going to get food.
“Well, Dinky,” Ditzy asked, turning to the filly and trying to dismiss the folly she had just made, “Where do you think we should go to eat?”
“Um...” the small unicorn mumbled, thinking, “Sugar Cube Corner?”
“Food, Muffin. Not treats.”
“...Oh! How about the Sandwich Place?”
“Great idea, Dinky!” Ditzy said, bending down so the small unicorn could climb on her back. Once she felt the familiar weight settle between her wings, she stood back up. “Ready?”
“Ready!” the filly exclaimed, already excited about the prospect of flying again.
With that, the pair took to the skies, Tempest Rider following close behind. Flying next to the mare, Tempest turned to look at her.
“So where is this ‘Sandwich Place?’” he asked, whilst Dinky giggled and made her gums flap in the wind.
“It’s on the other side of town,” she answered, speaking loudly to be heard over the wind. “It’s a little cafè owned by a local family. It’s pretty nice.”
“Why is it called the Sandwich Place?”
“It’s not,” Ditzy replied, nodding to her oblivious daughter. “That’s just Dinky’s name for it. She likes the place a lot.”
Tempest shrugged. “I take it she likes the sandwiches?”
“They don’t serve sandwiches.”
Now Tempest was just confused. “Then why does she-”
“It’s better not to ask.”