//------------------------------//
// Chapter 34: The Inevitable Clop Chapter 
// Story: Fimfiction Writes Ponies! 
// by Obselescence 
//------------------------------//

Chapter 34: The Inevitable Clop Chapter


*Hundreds of Hours in the Future*


"Look, my liege!"

"Canterlot!" Celestia said as she came to a full stop. Her guards slid into a pile with a din of whinnies and snorts.

"Canterlot!"

"Canterlot!"

"It’s only a flash model—"

"Shh!" Celestia hushed her mighty steed, King Arthur of the Human Realm, as she kicked his sides and brought him into a steady trot. She had brought these steeds from beyond the reaches of the fourth wall, to do battle with the dreaded Apep—though, why, exactly, she wasn’t sure. It wasn’t like they would be useful for any particular purpose. 

She sighed. Another bad investment.

As King Arthur began to skip, banging his coconuts together, the guards and their bipedal steeds followed suit.

Clop clop clop.

"You know, Arthur, this new ‘learning’ amazes me. Tell me again what you silly little humans call that amazing sound those little brown nuts make when you whack them together."

"Well, princess," King Arthur said as he cocked his head and banged his coconuts together. "We call it ‘clopping,’ interestingly enough."

Princess Celestia rubbed her chin with an armored hoof. "Fascinating, how often do you humans do this ‘clopping’ you speak of?"

"Well, princess, I clop nearly every night with you ponies. Sir Lancelot clops at least thrice a week, and I have heard that Lady Radcliffe clops twice a night. She can’t go a night without being around ponies and clopping. To we humans, clopping is essential to life. It is how we bond with ponies, and relieve ourselves of our earthly frustrations."

"Interesting," Celestia said after King Arthur finished his explanation. "These nuts of coke you—"

"Excuse me, princess," King Arthur interjected. "We do not use the coke until we’re winning."

"My apologies, dear human." Celestia bowed her head as the castle came into sight again on the mountain overpass. "These coconuts, what other rituals do you use them to partake in, if I may ask?"

King Arthur continued his coconut clopping, musing. "Well, princess, if I recall correctly… they are used for courtship rituals for interspecies romance."

"Oh my!" Celestia blushed. "H-have you ever…?"

"Yes, my dear princess. One time, late at night in his chambers, I caught Sir Lancelot clopping to the one with the lunar mounds. It was embarrassing, yes, but I joined him in support for his clopping. We clopped together all night to appease the Night Princess."

"Amazing, my sister must have enjoyed you humans clopping to her," Celestia said as she continued to ride the human back to her castle. "Though, I am curious, do you clop for any ponies in particular?"

"Actually…" One knight of the round table galloped to the head of the clopping herd. "I believe your majesty clops to your highness of the Celestial Heavens, you."

"Sir Prize!" King Arthur barked. "That was supposed to be a, well, surprise!"

Sir Prize threw his hands in the air, screaming, "Ayo, you’d do it later! ‘Sides, it’s hardly surprising. Nobody batted an eye when I clopped for the Cupcake Dutchess, nor when Sir Vent clopped for the Princess of Platinum."

"You mean, Princess Platinum?" King Arthur raised an eyebrow as he continued carrying the princess and clopping his coconuts together. "I hear her armies were of the greatest caliber back in the day."

"Yes indeed," Sir Prize said, nodding. "She had the greatest flanks of all the militaries, and her war biography has the greatest plot of all. Her plot, her flanks, her very being was magnificent, all the knights in her court would clop for the princess."

"Would you clop to Platinum?" Princess Celestia probed the clopping humans.

King Arthur hummed while he pondered the question. Eventually, he nodded to his internal consensus. "Perhaps, but I do not think I would. While her flanks might be magnificent, I do not trust her plot. I would be afraid of her hiding something, perhaps a hidden lance tucked into her quarters to impale me with in the dead of night."

"That is a fair point," Celestia admitted. She shifted her aching hiney to find herself in a more comfortable position on his shoulders. "You seem quite trained in the art of language and arguing. Tell me, where did you acquire this silver tongue?"

"Well, princess, before I was a clopping King I was a mere mass-debater. Mass-debating is nothing compared to clopping in court, in my honest opinion. Especially for ponies, for you equines are far superior for clopping than even the greatest human mass-debater."

"Interesting, perhaps we ponies should attempt mass-debating in the courts as you humans clop for us. It would be an interesting account, would it not? Perhaps my sister and I should compete to see which receives more cloppers for our favor."

"I think you would make a great mass-debater, princess. Perhaps you could mass-debate with your students?"

"That would be an interesting endeavor. As we mass-debate together, I could test their endurance and vigor as they grasp their strong quills and spread their ink across the room. There would be much clean up afterwards, but the exercise would be excellent for my little ponies."

"Ah, quills," King Arthur murmured as the castle loomed over the herd. They waited for the drawbridge to open. "I hear that pony quills are twice the size of the average man’s, and can hold twice the ink."

"Well, my loyal steed, it is not the size that matters. It is rather what you utilize it for. Besides, girth is much more important when it comes to finesse. Too small and you receive no results, too large and you make a mess everywhere. One time, my dear sister got it all over her face!"

"That is a fascinating tale," King Arthur commented as he resumed his clopping onto the fallen drawbridge. "Are you worried about student withdrawal in a mass-debating classroom?"

"Perhaps, but my students always use protection. There is no reason they wouldn't partake in mass-debating, now is there?" Celestia mused.

King Arthur clicked his tongue. "I suppose not, unless the mass-debating became overly penetrating or otherwise invasive of their person—er, pony."

"Especially if there were holes in the mass-debating, I suppose..." Celestia shook her head. "It might need some forethought to execute properly, especially if I want my students to come inside the mass-debating class. Otherwise, they may compensate for something."

"Interesting," King Arthur said as he galloped and clopped to the royal hall. He set Celestia down, rolled his aching shoulders, and holstered his coconuts to his sides. He slapped his hands together and gagged in disgust. "And now I must wash my hands, for I have clopped too much and they are covered in a white and sticky mess."