"So, what's a..."The Sheriff looked me over from scaly head to horsed hoof, his eyebrows furrowed into a questioning expression."Whatever yer are doing in these here parts? Don't get much visitors ta Appleloosa these days. 'Specially one as peculiar as yerself."
"...I don't know."I replied, attempting a shrug, only to cringe at the sharpness piercing into my muscles."Just kinda...dropped in."Oh how I regret such a terrible joke escaping my mouth.
The Sheriff only casually nodded with a grunt and returned to leading the two ponies carrying me. As we passed through the town, I couldn't help but twist my neck around in preposterous angles to get a good view of my surroundings. Just like in the cartoon, we passed some of the locales mentioned by Braeburn and a few others. Buildings constructed of wood standing a good two stories tall were the dominant ones of the small town, while I spotted some homes in which young foals scurried into at the sight of me. A sheriff's office stood off to a bank across from it, and what I guessed was a church stood alone at the edge of town, looking like a quickly-hashed together sanctuary complete with even a bell tower. I thought Celestia was their god? I'd have to look deeper into it later, for we came upon the destination the sheriff had set, a square, wooden building as all the others, but painted a bright white, with a large red cross and sign painted across the front. Holy Toledo Hospital it read. Right before being carried in, I twisted my neck a 180 around to smile at the residence who had stopped short to stare at me. I thought my grin to be friendly enough, only for them to dash away at the sight of me. Maybe it was the fangs?
Inside, the powerful smell of any hospital greeted me, an unnerving combination of stark cleanliness and medicine. I never liked hospitals, or doctors for that matter. Sure, they tell you that it's not going to hurt, they even give you promises of sweet, tantalizing lollipops, and just as your tears dry up and you begin to trust that smiling gentleman in rubber gloves and a white labcoat, BAM! Needle to the arm! Then you start crying all fucking over again, and then your mom gets mad at you for being so loud, so the car ride home is in awkward silence save for your stifled sobs, and you NEVER get that lollipop!
...Or maybe that's just me.
The Sheriff approached a receptionist desk and knocked his foreleg against the top of it, to which a voice from a room in the back replied."Just one moment!"
He waited barely three seconds before knocking again.
"I'm coming!"The voice sounded nasally, and almost a hint of nervousness bordering the words."Sweet Celestia...how much can one pony bleed?!"The voice screeched before the sound of something squishy and wet hitting wall followed after."Don't you die on me!"
I exchanged a glance with the sheriff at those words, who seemed entirely unfazed by the ruckus going on in the background."I'm guessing to whoever that voice belongs to is going to treat me?"I asked.
"Eeyup."
I gulped.
After much more disturbingly squishy sounds, and to great relief of my nauseous stomach, a bespectacled light green unicorn popped his head out from one of the rooms and grinned widely at us."Sheriff, good to see you!"He said, trotting to behind the desk, and to my horror, his scrubs were covered in blood.
"Afternoon, Doc Patches."The Sheriff tipped his hat."We got you 'nother patient. Don't suppose you can spare a room fer the critter?"He motioned at me with his head. The doctor's eyes followed and gazed at me, flickering between fear and wonder."Y-yes, there's an empty one i-i-in the back. I...I'm sure we can arrange something for...."
"Oddjob."I said.
"Odd...job?"He mimed my words slowly.
"Oddjob."I repeated."It's my name."
"Oddjob..."Doc Patches rolled the word around on his tongue, walking around the desk and down a hallway, to which the rest of us followed. It was a small hospital, and from what I could gather, had an influx of patients. Every room we passed had at least six ponies all aligned against the wall in beds, each one different in ailment. Some were simply sporting bandages or casts on their legs, while others were painfully hooked up to machines that were equipped with IV tubes and respirators, either blissfully asleep, probably due to anesthetics, or their faces contorted in anguish due to their afflictions. What was going on in the seemingly innocent cartoon I loved? I went back in memory to Discord's letter and shook my head in disapproval, this was not a perfect world from what I could see so far.
Into the farthest room back we went, empty save for a window to gaze out at the desert landscape, a small bed with an equally diminutive bedside table, and a bookshelf opposite of it. I was plopped down roughly onto the bed, to which a hard mattress and cold sheets greeted me."Thanks lads."I smiled at the two ponies who had carried me, to which their reply was a cold gaze and a huff out of the room."Lose some weight..."I heard their retreating voices down the hall."His spikes jabbed me!"
"Alrighty!"The Doc's enthusiastic voice cut past their complaints as he took to my bedside."Let's see what the diagnosis is for this poor creature..."He quickly turned to look at the Sheriff then to me."Just to let you know, I'm not the best at treating another species other than ponies..."He laughed nervously.
"Eh,"I shrugged. I'll take what I could get to undo my stupidity so shortly into this new world.
With my approval, he poked and prodded almost every last inch of me, occasionally stopping to magically jot down my varying reactions to the pain on a clipboard he kept telekinetically hovering nearby.
"A few scrapes here and there, nothing serious about those besides..."He lifted up my bear arm."Err....this is natural for you, correct?"He pointed a hoof at a small trickling stream of green on my bicep."What?"I shrugged."It's just green blood."
waitaminute holyshit I have GREEN BLOOD?!
I did a double take as I watched with wide eyes at the wound that had scraped away some fur, and instead of a usual angry red greeting me as with any other damage of it's kind, sticky green took it's place. From my reaction, the Doc wrote down more notes, the rapid scritch-scratch of his pen against paper resounding in my ears."I take it that's not usual for you..."He stated."Anyways, onto the more pressing matters. You have various bruises and some nasty swelling running down your back, and let's not forget this,"He lifted up my kangaroo leg despite cries coming from me, the paw twisted at a awkward angle, a point of bone threatening to puncture the skin and pop out, pain shooting up my leg only to dissipate to lesser degrees into my torso."What did you do to yourself, Oddjob?"
"The idjit fell down a mountain an nearly scared the town ta death."The Sheriff said, examining the bookcase and it's content with an indifferent face.
"One of the canyons nearby?"Doc Patches raised a curious eye."Those are sheer cliffs of stone, easily 8 kilometers high! Any drop from there would kill a regular pony!"
"I'm not a pony."I grinned despite the waves of oncoming pain.
"True...v-very true."He began walking towards the doorway."I'll be back with some supplies to treat you....in oh, say an hour? I do have other patients to see to. In the meantime, make yourself comfortable."
A silence came upon the room with his leave, a heavy, almost physical silence one could touch but not shatter. I uncomfortably rolled around in the bed, curling up as I was nearly twice the length of it. The Sheriff simply took to gathering a few books in hoof and setting them on the table. With a tip of his hat and a nod, he left without a word.
I picked up the pile and flipped between them. One was a Daring Do novel, the orange mare upon the cover staring up at an intimidating, towering figure with her trusty whip readied in her mouth. I grinned and set that one aside. Definitely going to read that later. The second didn't really catch my eye as much as the first. Basically, it was a medical journal, the anatomy and physiology of ponies within it's pages. I tossed that one into the air, and with as much concentration as I could, just barely snatched it midair with my tail, my newfound appendage finally cooperating with me. I reached across the way and set the book back in the shelf, almost giggling at the fact that my tail worked almost like a finger. A long finger that was rippling with scales and spikes.
Upon the last book, I was intrigued. It was leatherbound, tattered, and very old. I blew off the coat of dust it wore and carefully opened it, it's yellowed pages crinkling with age as it's newest reader delved into them.
Monsters of Equestria and How to Deal With Them
By Sir Gallant Heart the Brave
Greetings, dear reader!
If you happened upon this old tome, then you must be in need of knowledge on how to thrash that pesky troll living under your bridge, or maybe you wish to expel a pestilence of parasprites from your village before a certain pony of royalty arrives? Then look no further! Within these hallowed pages, I, Sir Gallant Heart the Brave, Princess Celestia's most illustrious and accomplished knight, Slayer of Evil, and overall dashing hero, shall guide you through every beast that roams Equestria's boundaries, teach you of their dastardly ways, and best of all, how to kill them!
I thumbed quickly through the author's introductory pages, never read those much anyways, and skipped straight to the meat of the book. Apparently, this Gallant Heart guy was the Saint George of ponies, going about this way and that across the kingdom, killing anything that made a growl at him or went bump in the night. Naturally, the preservationist douchebag hippie side of me took over. I wouldn't say that all monsters were entirely evil, since I was only a few hours old in this world, it just seemed to me that this guy just liked to swing his sword around, bathe in fleeting glory, and wonder whether the beasties were a threat or not later, if he ever did."Parasprites...Manticores...Cyclopes..."I mumbled to myself, going through dozens of creatures that filled the yellowed pages, several appearing in the show, while others seemed like they would fit into the canon naturally. After nearing the midsection of the guide, I paused on one page, a pencil illustration of our favorite chaos bringer gracing it, followed by several neat paragraphs about him.
The Draconequus
Very little is known of such a creature, how it's origin came to be, what limit to it's chaotic powers it truly possesses, and why it's an overall bloody nuisance. The only known draconequus in recorded history is the dreaded Discord, a powerful and evil entity that once controlled Equestria for nearly a hundred years before our salvation came in the form of our sovereign Princesses. To this very letter, as I interview Princess Celestia herself, she seemed to happen a large knowledge of the monster, but would only relay small tidbits of information to me, her most prestigious and loyal knight. When I pressed her for more, she only replied with this chilling message, turning and smiling at me in that glorious way she always graced us with, but a sad, almost tired light flickering in her eyes."There are just some things too terrible for anypony to know, Sir Gallant. Just remember this, a true monster is not bred from evil, but from what good leaves behind."
Truer words have never been said, dear Princess.
He went onto explaining some facts about Discord learned from the Day Alicorn.
-A trickster god in the most common of sense, able to bend the fabric of reality to his will easily, manipulating the environment and living beings alike.
-Shows signs of superior intellect, and is not above using it in a chessmaster like manner.
-Despite this, grows volatile if things do not go as planned. Be ever cautious when around him during such a fit. Seems to possess an incredible amount of raw strength, possibly due to the combination of animals making him up, i.e. the sum of a lion's courage, a dragon's rage, an eagle's ferocity.
-IS, I repeat with the most utmost certainty, IS ABLE TO BE HARMED. Before Discord was sealed away, a common blade could leave a mar, as recorded by a soldier's journal during that time, right before the Spirit transformed him into a bucket of vanilla pudding. Isn't as omnipotent as he seems, given Discord retreated quickly after being wounded.
-Height is at an intimidating 12 heads tall, thrice that of an average pony, and two taller than Princess Celestia.
-The only known way to vanquish such a foe is magic, specifically, The Elements of Harmony, but seeing as only those chosen by the elements themselves can wield them, for anypony else, the recommend tactic is to RUN.
With my eyes drawing to the end of the page, they fell upon the small footnotes at the bottom, tucked away into a corner for anyone curious enough to notice them.
For a creature related to the Draconequus, see Jabberwocky on page 292.
Flipping over to said page, almost at the back of the book, no fancy drawing greeted me, but an explanation of sorts. I read through it rapidly, only to return to the top and reread almost four times."Curiouser and curiouser..."I mused to myself, my clawed forefinger on the bird side of me following each line carefully.
The Jabberwocky
A much more easily handled monster than the draconequus. Legend believes that they are the offspring of Discord and any number of beast, appearing quite similar to the jumbled up Spirit, but lacking one noteworthy feature the former contains, the power of warping reality is fortunately dissipated down to the most basic of magic, as a jabberwock can only perform only the simplest of spells with great concentration. Still, this does not leave them void of any threat. With their ranging appearance, a jabberwock can possess many different abilities akin to their body parts. Seeing as all are part dragon in some fraction, fire breathing and fireproof skin are notable.
A grin cracked across my face. I could breathe fire? This I had to try out. Setting the book face down across my chest, I took in a deep breathe and aimed at the barest corner of the room, blowing out as hard as I could, only achieving the status of a winded-looking idiot. Still, this did not deter me. I tried once more, feeling something bubble down in my stomach, only for a belch to come out this time tasting of dry sand and chocolate milk, with no flames of any kind following it. Dissapointed and with a bad taste in my mouth, I grumpily returned to reading with a hmph.
The most crucial part I must emphasize on, is what happens when you slay a jabberwocky. Their blood, though highly acidic to any who might be unlucky enough for it to make contact with flesh, is where much of the monster's magic lies. Whoever digests the lifeblood of a jabberwock once it has been killed, is granted a rich number of rewards, ranging from a prolonged lifespan, to an increased combination of strength, stamina, speed, and even magical ability. Suffice to say, it's blood is highly valuable, and anypony lucky enough to obtain it is bound for a prosperous life ahead...if they manage to survive an encounter with the monster, which leads us to how to properly slay it...
I closed the book and laid it aside, preferring not to indulge in the proper ways of killing the species I now found myself as. I lifted up my left arm, slowly becoming accustomed to it's great weight, and examined the dried blood caking my dark fur. I looked down at where I laid it on the bed, and sure enough, where the blood had touched fabric, it had eaten burn holes through a good three inches through the bed.
"Knock, knock!"
I looked up to see Doc Patches in fresh, blood-free scrubs, walking in with a medical bag encased in green aura in tow. Had it been an hour already?
"Alrighty,"He quipped cheerily, opening the bag and pulling out a roll of gauze, a needle(To which I gulped), and a surgical scalpel(More gulping)."Now, I will repeat, I don't know much about treating whatever you are-"
"A jabberwocky."
"Excuse me?"
"I'm a jabberwocky."I said. As I smiled at him after those words, something shifted in his eyes, and it unnerved me. Something hungry, only for them to reset a split second later to matching his happy self."Well good! At least I know I'll be the first doctor to ever work on a jabberwocky! How exciting!"He grinned, my fleeting distrust for him vanishing altogether.
He hovered the needle over to me, humming a familiar theme song the entire time."This will only sting for a bit."
"I've heard that before..."I said meekly. Before I was even through with my sentence, he jabbed the object into my arm and injecting me with God knows what."Nighty night..."His distorted voice was the last thing I heard before a familiar darkness overtook me.
I awoke at the crack of daybreak to a rooster crowing. When did I have a rooster outside my home? Moaning the entire time, I raised myself from my bed, which was oddly too small for me. I stood up and stretched, only to conk myself against the ceiling, and a dull soreness to enter every last part of me. What did I do last night? Go out to a turkish bathhouse with Charlie Sheen? And when did I get so tall? The last time I checked, my room's ceiling was a good two feet taller than myself.
Cracking my eyes open, I viewed an unfamiliar setting. Small room, barely any furniture, and the sound of groans coming from the hallway.
"Sweet Celestia, make it stop!"One cry snapped me back to reality. I wasn't on earth anymore, I was in Equestria. And as I stood up, I realized that this room was meant for ponies, not for a creature like me who towered above their small size. The soreness was due to bandages and gauze wrapped around my midsection, my furry left forearm, and much more heavily around my kangaroo leg. I gingerly tested walking around with it, only wincing if I applied too much pressure. Satisfied that I didn't require that much more bed rest, I limped into the hallway, avoiding gazing into any of the rooms. I didn't like seeing others in pain, especially if they were adorable ponies. As I neared the entrance, there was no sign of Doc Patches anywhere to stop me. I pulled the door open, ducked underneath it's frame and stepped outside into the warmth of Appleloosa.
I gazed up at the sky, the sun just sinking over the horizon. It wasn't daybreak, but sundown. I mustn't have been out for long. Stepping into the streets, I noticed pairs of eyes following me from windows nearby. I waved at them casually, only for their owners to dissapear from view with a frightened yelp. As I strolled down the dirt road, ponies would move out of my way or keep a clear distance as I passed, whispers I heard once they thought me to be out of earshot. So this was it was like to be a public pariah.
Suddenly a loud growl emitted from my stomach, scaring anypony nearby to jump away at the sound."....I'm hungry."I stated, looking about for where I could grab a bite to eat. Obviously, the residence of Appleloosa took this as me looking to eat them, and naturally, all darted to safety within the confines of any place that wasn't near me. With a shrug and a sigh, I looked up and titled my head at the sound coming from the nearby saloon. It seemed the cowponies in their were having a good time. I waltzed over and pushed open the swinging doors, and just like in any good western movie, everypony inside fell quiet to my appearance, all gazing at me distrustfully."Evening, gents."I smiled nervously as I walked up the bar and sat myself down at the end, everypony sitting there getting up and moving except for the one I had plopped down beside. I couldn't see his face, given that his large cowboy hat was drawn over it, only that he casually continued sipping at the bottle of whiskey in his hoof.
The barkeep approached with obvious distaste on his face."What's yer poison, stranger?"
"Err...nothing alcoholic at the moment."I didn't want to enrage my dulling headache and aching limbs any further."What do you have to eat around here?"
"Hay."
"Is...that all you have?"
"Hay. Take it or leave it, pardner."
"Fine."I deflated."I'll have the....hay."
The barkeep nodded and turned to go into the back, returning quickly with a plate of the oaty stuff."Dig in, pardner."He said monotonously before returning to cleaning glasses with a rag.
I picked up a handful of the stuff and slowly brought it to my mouth, closing and chewing very carefully. It...really had no taste at all. Imagine munching on a salad, except lettuce's usual taste it gone, only leaving the crunchiness to remain. I scooped the rest off the plate and shoved it in with the rest, swallowing quickly. At least something had abided my hunger.
"What kind of hole in Equestria did you crawl outta?"
I turned to look at the pony beside me, the origin of the gruff, almost southern accent tinged with a twang on his words. His coat was a light auburn, and I couldn't help but notice something, the detail of it all. I could make out every last strand of fur in his coat, the level of detail a cartoon could never capture. Just another reason for this world to be just as real as my old home.
The pony looked up to return his steely gaze, one eye a dark brown, the other a milky white with a silvery outline of a pupil floating in it. His face held age, and the wrinkles within it showed this pony had seen some things. He tipped his hat up and adjusted the multi-colored poncho that was draped across his body."Well, c'mon, answer me, pardner."
"I'm...not from Equestria."
His eyes did not waver."From where then? Zebrafrica? Giraffeghanistan? The Neightherlands?"
I couldn't help it. I bursted into a fit of laughter. Good Lordy, so many horse puns! I was bound to come across them eventually. Once my guffaws had died down to every head turned to stare at me, my nervous state returned."Uh..."I paused. Would it be best to lie? I doubt he'd believe I was from another world, let alone possibly another dimension, or reality, or universe or whatever. Still, the truth was always the best route to go."I'm...from America."I said, willing to go as far as the country I was from.
"America?"
"Yep."
He shook his head."Ah feel bad fer those colonists over there then, having to deal with native ponies AND whatever the hay you are."
I was puzzled for a moment. There was an America here too? It only took a few seconds for my brain to make the connection. America. A-mare-ica! Their was a pony equivalent for everything! With that in mind, it seemed just like Great Britain had done in ours, Celestia had sent some ponies over for colonization of new land. I chuckled, in a few years time, she'd have a revolutionary war on her hooves. Though, I don't know how much different it would turn out from ours. We only had to fight a king and his vast army, they're going to have to fight a goddess and an equally vast army.
"Yeah...let's go with that. A-mare-ica."I cackled before extending my bird hand towards him."I'm Oddjob. And you?"
He didn't even look at my hand."Alamo. Alamo Wall."
"Nice to meet you!"I said with much optimism, retracting my unshaken hand.
"The feeling ain't that mutual, pardner."
Ouch. That kinda hurt. Before I could try and retort, a violent shaking from beneath our feet erupted through the entire saloon."What was that?!"I screamed as I tried to scramble back up to my feet from falling off my chair. Alamo did not reply, only stood up, unaffected by the quake, as every other pony in the room seemed.
"Everypony!"The barkeep shouted."Grab yer weapons just like the sheriff said, and get yer flanks outside! We gotta town ta defend!"
They all let out a deafening yell before charging outside, followed by another quake. Only I and Alamo remained inside."What...was that?!"I repeated, successfully standing once more. I looked down to see that I towered over Alamo, only that the indifferent and almost frigid air he gave off still affected me. He looked up, half his face covered by the brim of his hat, giving his face an even more serious expression."Wurms, pardner, With a big ol' 'U' smack dab in the middle."
"I think you spelled it wrong, and...earthworms? Like in gardens?"I gave him an 'are you actually serious' look.
He never replied. A third earthquake shook the very land, and suddenly the cracking and splintering of wood followed, only for a body as thick as a tree to explode out from beneath us, sending us flying in opposite directions across the saloon. Looking up, I could only be stupefied at the writhing monster that crawled out of the hole it had made. It was big, pink, and definitely not Patrick's belly button.
"Wurm, pardner."Alamo called to me as the beast neared him.