//------------------------------// // Chapter 9: I'm Dying, Literally // Story: Celestia Uses An Online Dating Website // by RainbowBob //------------------------------// “More coffee, my dear?” “Why… er… certainly, Mister Lord Death,” Celestia replied, offering her cup to him. Lord Death smiled, or did the best he could with that white skull mask of his. Strangely enough, it wasn’t as expressionless as one would first think, conveying to his mood properly enough. The only other discerning feature about the literal Grim Reaper was that his entire body was made up of a tattered piece of black cloth, whose form caused his limbs and body’s proportions to be out of whack and sporadic in appearance. Oh, and there was also those flat, four-fingered hands of his that were as large as half her body. “Please, please, Mister and Lord are no names to call someone’s date,” Lord Death replied, picking the coffee pot up daintily with his massive fingers to pour her a fresh cup. “Simply calling me Death will suffice.” “Well, I shall try my best to correct myself then, Death.” Celestia sipped from her cup, the awkward break in conversation making her drink noisily. Taking a gander at the area their date was hosted, Celestia was momentarily glad it wasn’t another restaurant. Most closed down the minute she asked to reserve a table. Looks like the ponies were finally catching onto her and her series of disastrous dates. But at least there was momentary peace, even if the scenery had a strange vibe of bleakness, coupled with desolate surroundings while countless crosses stuck out from the earth. Smacking her lips, Celestia hummed under her breath. “So… from your profile, I hear you have a son, correct?” “Two, in fact,” Lord Death replied, holding up two digits. Celestia smiled. “Interesting. A family man is usually a more responsible suitor. What are your sons like?” “Oh, the first one is the embodiment of pure evil and terror, having nearly destroyed the entire world in his bid for ultimate power,” Lord Death said, waving his hand passively in the air. “I skinned him alive, then sealed him in a bag of his own skin, and then to be doubly sure, I rooted my own soul over Death City to make sure he doesn’t escape from beneath its confines.” Lord Death sipped at his coffee, not noticing the shocked expression on Celestia’s face. “Hence why I can’t leave here.” “That’s… that’s just awful!” Celestia said, grimacing noticeably. “How can you do that to your own son?” “If I seem to recall from your profile, you banished your own sister for a thousand years on the moon,” Lord Death reminded her. Celestia opened her mouth to reply, then closed it and tapped her chin in thought. “Actually… you make a good point.” Shrugging, Celestia asked, “So, what about your other son?” “Oh, Death the Kid? Sweetest young man you’ll ever meet.” Lord Death chuckled, tapping his head. “Also, he has the cutest stripes in his hair you’ve ever see.” Celestia grinned, relaxing finally. “I’ll bet,” she replied, taking another sip from her coffee. However, when she went to put it down, she accidentally laid it on the edge of the table, causing it to spill and for the cup to shatter on the floor below. “Oh dear, I’m ever so sorry,” Celestia said, moving away from the fastly growing stain. Lord Death held up a hand. “It’s no problem, really. I can get it cleaned up in—” “Here, let me just use this napkin to wipe it up,” Celestia said, using the napkin by her tray to clean up the spill. However, her actions were quickly halted when an extremely painful force connected with her noggin. “DON’T USE THE GOOD NAPKINS OR ELSE YOU’LL GET A REAPER CHOP!” Lord Death shouted, holding up his large hand in a cutting motion. Celestia picked herself up from the floor, wincing as she touched her bruised skull. “You could have at least warned me before you actually hit me!” “I… I…” Lord Death looked at his hand, then back at the very peeved off face of Celestia, then back to his hand again. “I’m guessing a date number two is out of the question then?” “I swear, Luna, I don’t know how much longer I can go on!” Celestia said. She sighed in relief when Luna applied the bag of ice to her aching head. “Every date thus far has either ended in something weird happening, heartbreak, explosions, me being injured, or Deadpool! And out of all of them, Deadpool is probably the worst of the lot!” Luna spinned in her swivel chair, stopping at her computer screen. Rubbing her hooves together, Luna called out, “Don’t worry, dear sister, I know the perfect way to solve that!” “Please don’t say another date,” Celestia whispered. “With another date!” “Damn it all!” Luna chuckled, mousing over a few profiles from the immortal dating website. “Don’t worry, Tia, this one will be a shoo-in for your perfect match.” Glancing up, Celestia rolled her eyes. “Luna, I thought I told you no more gods. Those only lead to trouble.” “Tia, you need to stop being so picky and live a little. Plus, this guy doesn’t technically count as a god… sorta… kinda… not really.” Luna shrugged, moving out of the way so Celestia could get a clear view of her next date’s bio page. “I’m pretty sure it counts in name only.” Groaning, Celestia turned over and pulled her icepack closer to her head. “Fine, fine, whatever. I just better not get into another fight over this.” Scanning over this immortal’s bio, Luna sniggered. “No promises, dear sister. But I’m sure you’ll have a blast either way.”