Eyes. So many eyes. And every single one pointed in her direction.
Well, that isn't entirely accurate... Twilight thought as she glanced around, Although it sure feels like it.
Shawn walked alongside them down the red carpet stretched out across the courtyard, his height and... uniqueness drawing most of the attention away from her and the rest of the Elements. Without a formal announcement, most everypony at the party wouldn't know them as the Elements at first sight. Even the Canterlot Castle regulars probably wouldn't be able to recognize them just from an image on a stained glass window or two.
One again, though, the human seemed to thrive on attention. He insisted on tipping his top-hat at every single passerby and seemed to have adopted some strange accent. She had to admit... Rarity had especially outdone herself with his outfit, mimicking a style of traditional diamond dog wear Twilight had helped her find in a book on tribe culture. The suit was a classic gentlecolt-white vest with neck ruffles, complimented by black pants and a long-tailed overcoat borrowed from the same book. The top-hat had been an original touch... Rarity claimed they were coming back and she would not be left behind on the fashion curve. Whatever that meant.
The fashionista in question preened with pride as she adjusted the tails on Shawn's coat one last time, making sure they hung down at just the right length. Several of the diamond dog higher-ups had already asked about the design.
"Show off..." Rainbow grumbled beside her, though the smile twitching at the corners of her mouth softened the criticism.
Even the normally stoic guards couldn't help but gawk at the strange creature's mannerisms, it seemed. And while it was a bit unorthodox, Shawn was staying well within the behavioral parameters she had established for him as part of the plan. In fact, she was almost disappointed that she might not get to use one of the many contingency damage-control plans she had drafted for him. Almost.
"Good evening to you, madame! Jolly good party, what what?" Shawn leaned down and kissed a lady mare's offered hoof. She stepped back with a dainty giggle, letting the party proceed to the of the magnificent building where the princesses and a distinguished looking diamond dog awaited.
The dog was considerably shorter than the guards at the main gate, though still about as tall as Shawn. Standing next to the princesses, the old, frail looking fellow actually looked rather dreary, in spite of the resplendent assortment of jewel encrusted gold accessories. Still, the dog wore an open, welcoming smile on his face, stroking his long beard in clear delight at both his current company and the approaching group.
"Princess Celestia, Princess Luna, Ambassador Baron Von Bones," She curtsied to each in turn, receiving polite nods in return, "Thank you for your kind invitations. We are all very pleased to be here."
Twilight flashed a bright, genuine smile. Her speech had been delivered flawlessly. She'd just known all those hours practicing in front of Spike would pay o-
"Celly, old bean! How utterly delightful to see you here, of all places. And this must be the ambassador you've told me so much about about!" Shawn stepped past her and proffered his hand to the ambassador, who stared at it.
Breathe Twilight, just breathe. You planned for this. she reminded herself.
Ambassador Von Bones suddenly stepped forward and took Shawn's hand, gamely going along with the human's greeting shake, "Princess, you did not tell me new ambassador would be such fluent speaker of Equestrian. I am struck by inadequacy, Mr... I apologize, memory is not what used to be..." The dog's voice was sharp and gravelly, with stretched out syllables and deep guttural consonants distorting his speech.
Twilight's ears tried to lower themselves at the grammatical errors and missing words, but she reminded herself that he was neither a native speaker, nor under the influence of a translation spell. She was sure that, given the circumstances, she could keep herself from correcting him for at least one night. Taking a deep breath, she prepared to deliver the carefully composed rebuttal that would hopefully allow her to extricate them from this situat-
"Delightful! Ambassador Sir Dr. Shawn Palpatine Spencer... the indubitable. Pleasure to make your acquaintance. This is my associate and personal secretary, Twilight Sparkle, AKA Baby Hastalavista."
It's okay. It's no problem. At least he said your real name first this time. You have something prepared for this, too... just-
"Oh ho ho. This must be fabled human humor princess spoke of. Very different. Very funny."
Shawn grinned widely as princess Celestia stepped forward, a bright smile on her own face.
"It is heartening to see you two get along so easily." The princess spared a wink in Twilight's direction, "I would also like to take the opportunity to... more formally introduce Twilight Sparkle, my most diligent student, and the rest of the Elements of Harmony."
"Ah! The heroes! I am most honored to meet you!"
And, just like that, the princess recovered control of the situation. Twilight silently marveled at her teacher's foresight and social skill. She had seen the princess interact with her subjects many times before, but this was the first time she had actually seen her in her full capacity as a diplomat.
The rest of the introductions went off without a hitch, giving Twilight valuable time to regain her composure.
"Now that we're all introduced, let's go show these throwbacks a thing or two about crashing a spiffing party! Tally Ho!"
And promptly lose it again.
--------------------------------------------
Despite his protests of joking innocence, Shawn was still dragged into an empty room for a stern talking to by Twilight. After he finally convinced her that her concerns were unfounded, she reiterated their relatively simple plan: They were to split off into groups of two, with Rarity as the odd-mare-out due to her existing connections and facility among the Canterlot elite, and methodically cover each area of the party. So as to avoid asking a lot of the same questions and rousing suspicion, each team had a predetermined set of inquiries they were to work into each conversation as they mingled.
The plan was elegant, if a bit convoluted, and required the working cooperation and synchronization of the whole team to work. In other words, it was exactly the opposite of how Shawn was used to doing things and was doomed from the start.
Not that he'd ever tell her that.
Shawn just needed to behave for a little while longer. At least until Rainbow could ditch Applejack and meet him at the gardens out back during the... confusion he'd arranged for dinner. He glanced at the massive, ornate clock hanging from one of the walls.
Looks like I got about half an hour to kill...
"Ambassador Spencer! I had thought you lost in mill of ponies." The huffing diamond dog ambassador caught up with him and Twilight just as they stepped back into the main lobby. The dog nodded politely to Twilight, but it was clear that his eyes and attention - along with those of most of the rest of the room's occupants - were on the human guest
"Ah, Ambassador Bones. Twilight was just telling me about the most curious cultural overlap. Did you know that Equestrian and Diamond Dog societal hierarchies seem to have a common historical divergence point? It seems that Equestria made the transition from a tribal system to a congressional monarchy at around the same time that Diamond Dog culture progressed from a feudal monarchy to its current form of class-based tribal oligarchy."
Twilight's jaw very nearly hit the floor. Had she forgotten that she'd recited the exact same lecture during the short carriage ride to the embassy?
It was also entirely possible that she was simply surprised Shawn had actually been listening. Sometimes, though very rarely, he found listening was worth the effort.
Ambassador bones tilted his head, then proudly displayed his canines in a wide smile, "Indeed? Very curious. Just like fact that creature new to this world is already so familiar with pony and köpek history. Must be very studious."
Köpek?
"Well, I.." Shawn stopped, trying to figure out the source of the strange choking noises coming from nearby. Both he and ambassador Bones turned to find Twilight looking away and demurely covering her mouth with a hoof.
"Ex-excuse me." She paused to take a deep, shuddering breath, "I must have breathed in some... dust... yeah..."
The ambassador's expression grew dismayed, "Many apologies. I will instruct servants to clean more thoroughly."
"Oh, no no no! It's okay! I'm sure I just dragged some in with me when I came in."
Once again, the ambassador performed that strange head-tilt and grin motion, "Very kind of you. However, dust is dust. And dust belongs outside. Especially in illustrious company. Please excuse."
"... me." Twilight muttered, as ambassador Bones turned to leave.
"Pardon?"
"Nothing! Thank you!"
The diminutive diamond dog met her awkward smile with another odd look before shrugging and walking off.
Shawn had been waiting for this to happen. From the beginning, he could feel the hungry eyes of the crowd as they circled his little conversation with the ambassador, just waiting for the moment to sweep in and inundate him with questions. There was a group (pack, pride, flock? Gaggle... that sounded right...) of griffons in military-looking uniforms already on approach, angling to cut off a trio of well-dressed ponies before they could reach him first and monopolize his time.
Which was the last thing he wanted to happen. He knew that avoiding the limelight entirely would be impossible. One: he was Shawn Spencer, and two: he was the only representative of a previously undiscovered alien civilization... of course they'd want to talk to him. However, he needed to avoid the continued focus of any one particular group. Hopefully, the distraction he had planned would allow him to disappear while everyone assumed he was with someone else.
"Miss Sparkle, care for a dance?" If he'd had the leisure, he might have been insulted by the utterly stricken, horrified look that crossed her face at his question.
"W-what!?"
He leaned forward, whispering frantically while maintaining his fake smile, "If we don't move right now, we're going to get mobbed by everyone here in about five seconds. You don't want a riot on your hooves, do you?"
She looked around, finally noticing the crowds closing in from all sides. Shawn was reminded of a video he once saw of a seal stranded in the center of a feeding frenzy. Only these sharks were metaphorical... and much more dapper.
Shawn bore witness, through her features, to what must have been a titanic mental struggle for the little pony. Finally, however, she nodded resignedly and, red-faced, offered him her hoof. Shawn took it in his hand and slowly led her to the open dance floor, shooting significant glances at each group as they stopped and politely - if reluctantly - allowed the two VIPs their dance. It occurred to him that he was being given an undue amount of respect and deference, so he made a mental note to blatantly exploit it as soon as was convenient.
He also noticed Celestia looking on and frowning worriedly at them from the other side of the room. Of Luna, he saw no sign.
Eeeeexcellent. He wished he could accompany the thought with the evil hand-wringing that felt so natural, but that might look suspicious.
---------------------------
Rainbow Dash was bored.
That wasn't quite right... to properly convey the intensity of what she was suffering, it would be more accurate to say that Rainbow Dash was BORED out of her bucking MIND.
She let out yet another sigh, to which AJ responded with yet another annoyed roll of her eyes.
"Y'know Dash... Ah'm sure time would pass quicker if'n you at least tried to socialize a bit!"
"Who am I even gonna socialize with, huh?" she spat the word like a curse, "The Wonderbolts haven't showed up to one of these since the one we went to and the rest of these ponies are a bunch of stuck-up, prissy snobs!"
A nearby stallion's monocle popped from his eye in indignity and plopped into his drink.
AJ shot her a dirty look before smiling and going to the scandalized unicorn. Rainbow Dash would have never suspected the normally straight-talkin', cattle-wrasslin' earth pony (the only one at this party) could be just as prim and proper as Rarity when the need called for it... but there you go.
I guess you never really finish learning new things about your friends. She made a mental note to include that in the next letter she wrote to the princess. It had been long enough since her last one that Twilight was starting to get on her case about it again. Speaking of new "friends"...
Rainbow squinted, looking out over the railing to the first floor and trying to spot the distinctive shape of her future partner in prank. She used the word friend lightly, but in reality she wasn't sure that was really the case. Sure, they shared a similar sense of humor and, sure, he made for a fun drinking buddy. But she'd only known him for a few days... and becoming her friend was no mean feat (nor small honor). He'd have to earn her trust. Preferably by doing something truly awesome.
"Where is that giant monkey hidiOH... MY... GOSH..."
AJ trotted back from whatever damage control she'd been engaging in.
"Ah swear, Dash! Yer jus' dee-termined to make this night as difficult as poss-... what are you starin' at?"
The cyan pegasus could only point in mute bewilderment at the scene that was unfolding below.
"Is..." Applejack squinted, "Is that... Twi? With Shawn? On the dance floor!? What is that hay-for-brains thinkin', draggin' poor Twi out into a gosh darned dance floor!?" The earth pony looked around, raw panic in her eyes as the hopelessness of the situation sunk in.
Of course, there was only one thing that Dash could possibly do in response.
"Pfffffffft.... PAHAHAHAHA!" Laugh. Laugh long and hard until she could no longer draw breath. Until neither her legs nor wings could support her and she collapsed to the ground, tears in her eyes.
What happened on that floor was not pretty. Shawn was clearly not graceful, though that might have been due to the strange movements generated by his awkward shape. Maybe among his species he was a celebrated dancer. Who knew? What Rainbow Dash did know was that Twilight most certainly was not.
AJ had pulled her hat down over her eyes, her groan the very essence of sympathetic, tortured shame as the rest of the crowd stared in hypnotized horror.
For her part, Rainbow credited the alien for managing to look not the least bit nonplussed at the uncoordinated carnival of twitching limbs that Twilight liked to call "dancing".
In fact, it seemed like Twilight's movements had galvanized him into a contest of who could be more ridiculous.
And, then... well... a funny thing happened.
Shawn ran up to the band and said something. She couldn't make out what it was from all the way up on the second floor, but he immediately started clapping, motioning for the instrumentalists - minus one lyre - to speed up the tempo. Amazingly enough, they did.
Before anypony even knew what was going on, he'd managed to somehow drag several ponies, griffons, and diamond dogs - servants and nobles alike - onto the floor. They stood around for only a few confused moments before the human was among them again, dancing like a madpony, clapping faster and forcing the band to switch from classical music to a beat that would sound familiar to anypony who'd ever attended one of Applejack's barn parties.
Suddenly, the diamond dog ambassador was also there, laughing uproariously and trying to copy Shawn's frenetic movements. On seeing this, the other diamond dogs already on the floor immediately shrugged and joined in, prompting the rest of the fellows Shawn had pulled into the growing circle to follow along.
And, just like that, the floor filled up.
Rainbow Dash, now recovered from nearly passing out laughing, glanced over at AJ, who was looking on in wide-eyed amazement. Ponies, griffons, and dogs were pushing past, trying to either get a better look or make their way down the stairs to the dance floor. She spotted princess Celestia, her regal station preventing her from joining in on the fun, though not from laughing as she tapped a hoof in time to the music.
Out of a corner of her eye, Dash saw the alien... no, her friend... again, looking up at her and making a very distinctive motion with his hand: his fist extended out towards her with the thumb sticking up into the air. He nodded when she met his gaze and ducked back into the crowd, heading in the direction of the gardens.
Rainbow Dash grinned and spared another glance at AJ. The earth pony was still staring, completely flabbergasted.
"Well, we can't ask any questions like this, so I'm gonna go join in, okay? See you at dinner." She probably needn't have bothered with the lie.
"Right... yeah... sure..."
Swiftly taking wing out the nearest window, Dash quickly circled up and around the mansion. Fortunately, since the embassy had taken full charge of security, there were no pegasi patrols to worry about. And even the professional diamond dog guards couldn't help but peek curiously towards the commotion going on inside, entirely forgetting to actually look up on occasion.
Her initial scouting mission finished, she swept down into the gardens in a silent dive that ended in the bushes next to an unguarded wall. Now to just wait for him to show u-
"Psssst... Dashie!"
"Gah!"
Shawn's whisper from the nearby bush had nearly given her a heart attack. In response, Rainbow Dash graced him with her best death glare, to no apparent effect.
"Shawn!? How did you get here so fast?" She leaned up to look over his shoulder, "Did anypony see you?"
Shawn shook his head, "Everyone's way too busy with the impromptu dance party. I managed to slip out the back while they were all watching ambassador Von Awesome trying to break dance." He paused to grin, "That old dog's surprisingly spry for his age."
Rainbow Dash couldn't help a snicker at Shawn's nickname for the ambassador, "Von Awesome... it so fits."
"I know, right!?"
They chuckled about it for a moment under the cover of the thick shrubbery that hid them, before a thought struck Dash.
"Wait... how did you know you'd be able to get everypony to join in on the dancing?"
Shawn paused and gave her an odd look, "I didn't. It was kind of a spur of the moment thing."
"What? But then... what if it didn't work?"
"Well, that wasn't the distraction I had planned, anyway. The real one is guaranteed to keep their attention for a while."
She sat back and crossed her arms, causing him to stare at her joints again. She'd noticed he tended to do that whenever any of them did anything with their front hooves. A question for later.
In the meantime, Dash needed to stop forgetting Shawn wasn't Twilight. On the face of it, it didn't seem like a hard thing to do... like, at all... but she was so used to the fastidious unicorn doing all the planning whenever they did anything serious that it was proving surprisingly difficult. Maybe she could pretend she was working on a prank with Pinkie Pie. That seemed to fit better.
"So... what did you have planned?"
The corners of Shawn's mouth twitched up in an involuntary smile, showing just enough of his canines for it to look predatory... evil, even. The creepy hand-wringing wasn't helping, either.
Oh, no...
"Shawn... what did you do?"
And then he told her.
-------------------------------------------
Twilight pushed and shoved her way through the menagerie around her. All the griffons and diamond dogs, and even some of the ponies, were taller than her, making it difficult to spot her target. How was she having such a hard time finding a giant monkey in a room full of... not giant monkeys!?
Shawn... the frantic thought invaded her mind once again, her rampant imagination filling her head with images of all the havoc the alien could cause if left to his own devices. As brilliant as he clearly was at deduction, whatever bit of his brain that handled common sense had clearly atrophied from lack of use.
She growled in frustration as yet another lead turned to a dead end. It seemed like everypony had seen Shawn, but each and every one of them was convinced he was with somepony else.
"Twilight?"
The eponymous mare startled and turned at the soft voice, instantly recognizing it, "Princess Celestia!"
"What are you doing wandering around in the lobby? It is almost time for dinner..." The princess's happy smile faded somewhat as she looked around, "Where is Shawn?"
Twilight's head drooped as she let out a defeated sigh, "I... don't know..."
Princess Celestia matched her student's sigh and raised a wing in invitation, "Well... I cannot say this was entirely unexpected. When did you last see him?"
There was always an area of empty space within a short radius of the princess, which nopony seemed willing to invade. Whether out of respect, reverence, or fear, Twilight couldn't say, but she gratefully stepped in close to her mentor, relieved at the sudden increase in elbow room. The princess started a slow walk back towards the dining hall, and she had no choice but to follow along or reenter the crowd.
"The last time I saw him was when we were dancing." Her face colored again at the memory, "At one point he said he needed to... go to the little colt's room... and then he didn't come back..."
The princess's smile returned for a brief moment when Twilight mentioned the dance, "Are you sure he has not simply joined one of the other Elements?"
"That's what worries me! I talked to Applejack and she said Rainbow Dash went missing, too!"
"Oh dear..." Celestia hummed as she fell into her thoughts.
Whatever else the princess had in mind to say about the situation was interrupted as a loud gong reverberated throughout the large hall. Ambassador Bones stepped onto the podium near the back wall, past the three massive rectangular tables that could likely accommodate everypony there and then some.
"Greetings, fellows!" his magically amplified voice reached every ear in the room with ease, "I have been told it is custom to make inspiring, long-winded speech about unity and mutual understanding before dinner. After all that dancing, however, I have feeling most of you would be too busy thinking of meal to hear me talk." The old dog waited for the chuckles and polite clapping to die down before continuing, "In which case, I will make this quick..."
He cleared his throat, then looked out at the audience with a wide smile, his eyes lingering on Twilight and the princess, "I would like to thank princess Celestia for allowing us to host merged celebration, while being so generous in helping to fund accommodations for expanded guest list." Another pause for applause, "It is great honor for us to dine with such distinguished company as graces tables tonight. It is barely time for dinner, yet already I have met many interesting guests. And I am sure we will all have time to become well acquainted over rest of evening. However, I ramble... bring out appetizers!"
More enthusiastic clapping followed, as dozens of the small-ish dog servants marched out from the twin doors that led to the kitchen, carrying large, covered silver trays. An oddly familiar scent reached Twilight, causing her nostrils to twitch.
"As added bonus, this first course is from surprise guest chef!" Ambassador Bones gestured excitedly toward the kitchens.
"Oh... dear..."
At Celestia's quiet whisper, the Element of Magic looked up to see the one thing she had never expected to find on her teacher's face: surprise and... was that fear?
"I am informed it is selection of dishes from pony culinary culture as it was over thousand years ago, prepared with love by Canterlot's own Princess Luna!"
----------------------------------------
"You're a monster."
Shawn sighed as he peeked around the corner of the white stone building. Apparently, Twilight had somehow found the time between all that planning to warn the rest of her friends against being suckered into trying the moon princess's cooking. If her retelling had done the crimes against nature Luna called food any justice, he could understand why Dash might feel that way.
Signaling the all clear, Shawn looked back at the scowling pegasus behind him, "Oh, come on, it's not all that bad. It's only the appetizers... they'll get over it... eventually."
"No, not that!" Dash huffed, clearly struggling to keep her voice down, "You pulled what could be the biggest prank of the century and you left me out of it!"
Shawn stopped and winced at the rise in volume at the end, "Sorry!" he whispered back, "I'm sorry, okay! I didn't know how you'd react if I told you what I was planning!"
Rainbow Dash only glared back at him from her own position pressed against the wall.
Another sigh, "Well... look at it this way... when we find that evidence, you'll still get to be the big hero that broke open the most important case of the century."
Dash stopped and thought about that for a moment, "So... you'll let me take all the credit?"
"Don't be ridiculous, of course not." It occurred to him that this particular model of pegasus seemed to come with clearly labeled buttons for him to push.
Before she could start frowning at him again, he continued, "BUT, I will split the credit with you, which is fair considering that I don't plan on telling a single soul that I was the one who got Luna into that kitchen."
"It's not gonna take Twilight that long to figure it out, you know..."
Shawn paused, hoping she was wrong and knowing she was right, "... I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. In the meantime, I'm pretty sure we're at the right spot. Let's get up on that roof."
Rainbow Dash eyed him appraisingly before shrugging and stretching out her wings, "Your funeral. Hop on, sidekick."
"... Did you just call me the sidekick?" Shawn sputtered indignantly, "I'm not the sidekick! You're the sidekick!"
"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Just hop on."
The mischievous grin she sported gave him no comfort as he awkwardly sat on the colorful saddle that decorated the part of the dress just behind her wings.
Now that I think about it... why in the world would they use saddles as part of their formal dr-
The thought vacated his head, likely left somewhere on the castle grounds along with his stomach and his hat. The violent take-off had actually been so sudden and jarring that he'd briefly experienced tunnel vision. Shawn had expected the little blue pegasus to have at least some trouble carrying his weight. He'd even been worried that she might be too tired after getting him to the roof to follow him into the building.
Silly him.
They landed with an audible thump and he threw himself to the ground, panting in delayed panic and hugging the weathered wooden flooring for all he was worth.
"Were the loops entirely necessary!?"
Rainbow Dash didn't even have the decency to look remorseful, rubbing a hoof on her dress before inspecting it smugly, "Not really."
Walking past him to a door set into the floor as he rose unsteadily to his knees, she gripped a metal ring with her teeth and lifted it up and open, revealing a darkened stairway leading into what was likely an attic of some sort.
"Remind me again why we didn't just head upstairs from inside?" Dash asked, impatiently tapping a front hoof.
Shawn took a moment to collect himself before answering, "The roof isn't accessible from outside the castle without flying, so most, if not all, of the guards will be posted on the first couple floors and looking for people heading up... not down." Feet finally under him, he tottered to the stairs, "Besides... everyone knows the villain always keeps the secret files somewhere near the top floor. So, we'll start our search at the top and work our way down."
"Huh... I guess that makes sense." Rainbow Dash nodded sagely and used a wing to point down at the oppressive darkness that dominated the stairwell, "So... did you happen to bring a torch with you, genius?"
Shawn smiled and drew his iPhone, with its distinctive green cover, from his pocket. He'd been very careful to keep it out of sight and off as much as possible. Partially because he wanted the batteries to last, and partially because he'd been afraid that if Twilight saw it was more than just a piece of decorative plastic, he'd probably never see it again.
No helping it now, though. I'll just have to get Dashie to keep it a secret.
Which, considering the look of absolute wonder on her face as he activated the flashlight app, might be a lot easier said than done. He preempted the thousand and one questions he could see in her eyes by lifting a hand to his mouth in the universal shushing gesture and heading down the stairs.
They ended at yet another door, also unlocked. Shawn opened it just a crack, checking to make sure the hallway beyond was clear before stepping through. The soft light of the oil lanterns that hung from hooks on the plain stone walls every few feet was just enough to see by, so he put the phone back in his pocket. Unlike the bottom floor, it looked like the dogs hadn't bothered to do much in the way of decorating. Dust hung thick in the air. That and the complete lack of windows or guards gave it a very distinct atmosphere...
"It's like an old dungeon up here..." Dash coughed from behind him.
"You think we'll run into a dragon?" Shawn joked, but was reduced to quiet discomfort when Dash only shook her head grimly.
Note to self... remember that dragons are a thing here. The only one he'd met so far had been a baby, leaving him to wonder just how big they got.
"Ooookay... why don't we just start checking doors, then?"
After each of them grabbed a lantern off the wall, the search went by fairly quickly. The floor they were on seemed to be comprised entirely of storage rooms, most of them packed end to end with nondescript wooden boxes labeled "Kitchen Supplies". Sighing, Dash was about to close the door to the last room when Shawn stuck out his hand, stopping it.
"Hey... you notice anything weird about those crates?"
Rainbow raised an eyebrow at him and stepped back into the room, looking at them more closely, "Ummm... well, every single crate is labeled 'Kitchen Supplies'. What kind of kitchen needs this much stuff?"
Nodding, Shawn stepped in after her, "Sure. That too." Reaching over, he ran a finger across the surface of the nearest crate and put it close to her face, "Notice anything missing?"
The pegasus scrunched up her eyebrows, "A hoof?"
"Noooo..."
"Come on, just tell me!"
"Let's try again." Shaking his head, Shawn reached out and ran the same finger across the surface of the nearest wall, leaving a blank streak where the once was a thick layer of dust. Again, he presented Dash with the finger, though this time her eyes lit up with realization.
"There's no dust on these! They must have put them up here recently!"
Nodding now, Shawn hefted his lantern and continued, "Very recently if the amount of oil left in this thing is anything to go by. Now the question is... why would they put 4 rooms' worth of 'kitchen supplies' in storage right before they're supposed to have a giant dinner party?"
Once again he reached over, gripping the edge of a crate's lid and lifting it up to reveal its contents.
"Oh, you have got to be kidding me..."
"What is it?" Dash leaned over, bringing her lantern closer to get a better look, "It's just a bunch of red sticks... what's all that string sticking out of them fo- hey!"
As slowly and carefully as he could, Shawn pushed Dash away by her face and placed the lid back on the box. The urge to panic and run screaming was pervasive, but doing that might end with one of the lanterns getting broken, which would be bad. Really bad.
"Okay Dashie, I need you to listen and listen very carefully."
Despite his best efforts to hide it, Rainbow must have noticed the stark panic in his voice, because she actually shut up and did what he said.
"Whatever you do, do NOT open your lantern or let it break. Those sticks will explode and kill everyone in the embassy if they catch fire. We're going to back away nice and slow, head downstairs and get-"
"Ah... very unfortunate..." The soft voice that rose up from behind them was no less startling for its familiarity.
Shawn flinched and turned around, a dread certainty stabbing at his heart.
"Ambassador Bones!" Dash exclaimed, "Somepony's put explosives up here! We need to warn... the... princesses..." The pegasus trailed off at the grim look on the diamond dog's face.
"That is... not part of plan Miss Dash." The dog grumbled menacingly, while stroking his long beard.
"Of course it isn't..." Shawn spoke up, anger rising, "We just uncovered a major power play here, didn't we, Ambassador? Man... I thought you were cool..."
"You misunderstand-..."
"Oh, I understand." Shawn growled, putting things together, "The ponies have a lot of land and no real military... by all rights you should have been able to just waltz in and take it. Unfortunately, they happen to be under the protection of an unbeatable living sun goddess. So you got sneaky... you pretend at peace and treaties, all the while the dogs you bring into the embassy harass, threaten, and kill until every major merchant in the market district of Equestria's capital and biggest city is under your thumb. You thought If you couldn't take over the country directly, at least you could control its economy."
Interestingly enough, the dog flinched at every word, while Dash became red-faced with anger.
"But your lackeys messed up, didn't they? And the ponies started to catch on. It's only a matter of time before the trail leads back to you, so you're going to blow up all the evidence, the leadership of the Royal Guard, and maybe even take out the princesses all in one go. And since it's your embassy blowing up, you'll be the last one they ever suspect. You'll come out of this squeaky clean and ready to pick up where you left off..."
The dog nodded sadly, "A brilliant deduction. You miss only few important bits. It is-"
"Why!?" Dash screamed, startling both Shawn and the ambassador.
"Pardon?"
"Why do all of this!? The princesses offered you peace! We could have been friends! Why do you hate us so much!?"
Shawn's eyes narrowed as the dog sighed once again.
"There is saying we köpek have: A well has two bottoms... the water and the ground. When water become murky, you cannot see one past the other... I am sorry, but I was given no choice in matter." The dog looked up and met Shawn's eyes, "I do not hate you. Like you, even. But I must still kill you."
"Oh yeah!?" Dash reared up, flaring her wings out as far as they could go, "You and what army!?"
The dog stepped back and what appeared to be a solid grey wall took his place. It took a moment for Shawn to realize that this wall had hooves. And hands. And killer abs.
The flesh-mountain ducked into the room, bending over nearly double and revealing horns followed by the head of a bull. Once fully in the room, it reared up to nearly full height - its horns forced it to tilt its head at an awkward angle to fit - and shouted, the veins in its neck pulsing, "Once again, it is time for Blind Rage, professional head-stomper, to do his job!"
"I don't suppose a 'professional head stomper's' job is to quiz people with clever riddles..."
Blind Rage incoherently bellowed what Shawn took to be a no.
In response, Dash let out her own battle cry and charged, but the beast simply reached out with one massive arm composed entirely of corded muscle and forcibly shoved her into the wall. Hard. So hard, in fact, that chips flew as she was actually embedded in the stone. The cartoonish way she stuck after the minotaur removed his hand would have been funny if it hadn't been so pants-shittingly terrifying.
Shawn heard Dash groan and sighed in relief... he was happy she could survive a hit like that, though decidedly sad that the same couldn't be said for him.
"Blind Rage is disappointed he can't reach up to stomp the little pony's head!" The minotaur's beady eyes, nearly lost in his face's neanderthalian features, shifted to the only other target in the room, "Blind Rage will simply have to console himself with stomping the little alien's head and watching it burst like a watermelon!"
"Hey! My head doesn't look anything like a watermelon! If anything, I'm more of a grapefruit-shape. At worst, an orange..."
Blind Rage stomped forward, rapidly closing the little distance that was there in the first place. Well beyond the point of panic, Shawn dove behind one of the boxes, then raised his lantern over it threateningly.
"I'll do it, I swear!"
The minotaur paused and tilted his head, "Blind Rage is confused at your meaningless threat! Blind Rage has not been scared of the dark for several years!"
Shawn sputtered... he hadn't really been counting on the monster being literally too stupid to intimidate with a fiery death. His bluff called - however incidentally - Shawn prepared for his inevitable head-stomping when the minotaur's words came back to him.
The dark...
Dash's lantern had gone out when she got slammed into the wall... his was the only source of light in the room! With one last careful look around, Shawn opened the little hatch protecting the weak flame and quickly puffed it out. The minotaur snorted and mooed in anger, his eyes unable to adjust to the pitch blackness.
Navigating by memory and counting on his luck, Shawn ran to the side and around where Blind Rage had last been. It sounded like the minotaur was stomping the floor in frustration. A brush and a fresh breeze tussling Shawn's hair confirmed enormous grey arms were flailing around dangerously. The crash of a box of dynamite being smashed to splinters followed soon after, which made Shawn wince.
It didn't take him long to reach the spot where Dash was still "hanging out".
Oooo... gonna have to remember to use that one later. Maybe follow it up with: 'out cold'!
Shawn didn't even bother trying to be quiet as he yanked Dash out of the pegasus-shaped indentation, Stompy McDumbass was making more than enough noise to mask any sounds he made getting her down. Unsurprisingly, he dragged her out of the room to find the ambassador long gone.
His pondering over what the next step should be was interrupted by the smell of smoke, and he realized just what the ambassador had been up to... the ratty, old carpeting that covered the floors throughout the hallway had been set on fire. Probably from wherever the entrance to the main stairwell was. And with all this dust in the air, the flames wouldn't even make it to the dynamite before the whole place went up in a giant fireball.
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"Shawn did this... I just know it." Twilight stared over the crowd of refugees, recently escaped from the dining hall, which was already being called "the disaster zone". Nopony seemed to be joking when they said it.
Celestia directed an amused glance in her direction, "Well... it could have been a lot worse."
Of that, Twilight had no doubt. Only about half the tray covers had come off before the servants caught on to the source of the smells, and they had promptly started taking whatever they could out back. Much damage, however, had been done.
Damage that, if she had her way, Shawn would answer for.
"Perhaps ambassador Von Bones can shed some light on this." The princess used a wing to point over the crowd to the back wall. Twilight had to hop up and down, but she managed to catch a glimpse of the old diamond dog walking furtively toward the exit.
Of course! The ambassador disappeared soon after the meal started... maybe he noticed Shawn's absence and went to find him. It seemed like a reach to her, but one worth trying. None of her other leads had yielded anything, and the princess had been staying strangely silent throughout the whole ordeal. She just needed to get through the crowd.
"Uhh... princess... would you mind?"
Celestia hummed distractedly, "Hmm? Oh... of course!"
Signature smile in place, the princess of the sun walked at a quick pace - though not so fast as to disturb her regal bearing - parting the crowd before her with her mere presence.
Twilight hoped she could learn how to do that some day, though it was likely god-hood was a prerequisite for the skill.
With Celestia leading the way, it took no time at all to catch up to the retreating ambassador.
"Ambassador Bones! Wait a moment, please!"
Strangely, the diamond dog flinched at her voice and looked nervously back and forth between her and the doorway across the room.
Now she was sure that he knew something. He and Shawn had been acting mighty friendly... was it possible that the human had pulled the respected ambassador in on the prank? Now that she thought about, the timing of their respective disappearances had been all too convenient. She was reminded of what Shawn had said... it really was like a puzzle, and she felt like she was finally getting an idea of what the picture on the front of the box was supposed to look like.
Baron Von Bones' mind was made up for him, as Twilight and the princess finally caught up.
I've got you now, Shawn. She thought triumphantly.
"Ambassador... where have you been?"
The dog's eyes widened and he suddenly developed a deep interest on the princess's golden tiara. It was obvious, even to Twilight, that he was avoiding having to make eye contact with the princess.
"I have been... busy. Ambassador to whole country cannot afford to take whole day off. Even holiday."
"Uh huh..."
His gaze shifted from Celestia to her, "Is something wrong?"
"Don't lie to me ambassador, we know what's going on."
The look of sheer panic on his face said everything she needed to hear, but she continued before he could bolt.
"I know you helped Shawn pull off that prank!"
The dog froze, half a dozen expressions running through his face before settling on what looked suspiciously like a relieved grin.
"Ah, yes! Prank!" He laughed, "I must admit: You caught me... however, if you wonder where ambassador Spencer has gone, I must also admit I wonder same. We were supposed to watch results together, but he did not meet me in designated spot."
Twilight narrowed her eyes. He had confessed fairly quickly. She supposed there was no reason for him to feel the need to cover for Shawn if he was so ready to cooperate.
She sighed and kicked the floor with a hoof, "Alright... thanks anyway."
The ambassador nodded happily to both of them and turned to walk away, when an almighty crash resounded through the lobby as the main doors burst open.
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Growing desperate, Shawn had been trying to yell, then shake, then slap Rainbow Dash awake. After a few moments, the tough mare actually woke up, rubbing her head, then her face, where she'd been slapped repeatedly.
"Ow! What was that for!?"
"No time! Carpet's on fire! This place is going to explode! Fly out the way we came in and warn the princesses!"
Rainbow Dash looked around fearfully, then back at him, "B-but... what about you!?"
They didn't have time for this. Not if Rainbow and her friends were to survive.
"Go!" He shouted in her face and pointed up the hall, hoping to shock her into action, but was stymied when she got right back in his face.
"NO!" And then she picked him up in her front hooves and shot off like a cannon, taking a turn into the stairs they came down faster than seemed physically possible and painfully wrenching Shawn's neck in the process. He just wasn't built as tough as these ponies seemed to be.
Oh... that works, too, I guess.
They shot out into the open air, then down and around, much faster and even more violently than when she'd taken off the last time. In no time at all, they burst through the doors past a surprised group of guards and a large crowd of sickly creatures milling about in the lobby.
He pointed ahead, having spotted princess Celestia and Twilight speaking with ambassador Bones, directing Dash towards the villain.
Taking advantage of the momentum inherent to the speeds at which they were traveling, Shawn jumped forward out of Dash's hooves once they got close, screamed, "DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY, BITCH!" and socked ambassador Bones in the jaw hard enough to break his own hand and send the old dog flying backwards.
Twilight's aghast gape was perfectly matched by Celestia's as he turned and grabbed at the princess's slender, white horn with his uninjured hand, forcing her to meet his eyes. A familiar, shivery feeling overtook him as he shouted, "No time to explain! This place is gonna explode any second! Do something!"
Celestia, in what was probably the most un-princess-like moment she'd had in many thousands of years, yelped and yanked her head back out of his grip, her horn lighting up with a brilliant glow as the world was consumed by fire and noise.