Dirty Business
Oh Diary, it's terrible! Do you know what that stupid machine-!
Okay, deep breaths, deeeep breaths...
Well, diary... they found her. It was Thistle Whistle, who was scouting the roads that lead to unicornia, that stumbled upon our little lost mare. Laying under a bridge; cold, wet and shivering. After they brought her back and cleaned her up, Wysteria, Pinkie Pie, and Kimono took her inside the back room of Celebration Castle, and have been talking to her for hours. As I went about my work in the petal parlor cutting mare's manes, all day I could hear the loud voices coming out of the palace.
Diary, I am actually... a little scared. I've never heard Pinkie Pie's voice scream like that before- she sounds so angry! I don't think I've ever heard a Ponyville pony that upset before, not even when Minty broke the one-of-a-kind-here-comes-Christmas-candy-cane last year. I can also hear Wisteria and Kimono's voices rise and fall. but it's nothing like what coming out of Pinkie's mouth, and I don't think I've ever heard her sound this upset, terrified and hurt before.
"YOU STUPID LITTLE FILLY, WHAT THE FLANK WERE YOU THINKING!?! YOU HAD US ALL WORRIED SICK! DIDN'T YOU EVEN CARE HOW MUCH WE-"
"Pinkie Pie, don't you think you might be being a bit harsh on her? This is Minty we're talking about here, she is known to make mistakes-"
"Don't let her off the hook like that, Kimono! We've been letting her foul up and mess up waaay too much! She can't just do something like this, and trot away like nothing happened!"
Over the sound of the other three ponies debating amongst themselves, I can here Minty's whimpering and crying, and I can't help but feel sorry for this poor pony. Why does the entire universe seem to dump all of it's bad luck on this jinxed mare? I can only wonder at this, as I try to ignore all the commotion, and go about my work.
Business is quite slow today, and I'm just sweeping up some split ends, while Amberlocks cuts the mane of a customer. Everything seems fairly boring today, until I hear the sound of the bell above my shop door jingle.
"Hey Daffeydazey!" A familiar blue mare declares, as she walks into my shop. "How's things going here with you?"
"Oh, Waterfire! Hello!" I greet the mare, inviting her over to a chair. "Please, come on in and have a seat!"
Waterfire, our towns resident pipes and waterworks expert. You can usually find her either at the Ponyville, waterworks, checking gauges and dials, or crawling through the tunnels and plumbing under people's homes. We simply wouldn't have running water in this town without her!
As the red-maned mare with the burning water cutie mark trotted in to sit down, a... certain air accompanied her into my shop. The odious stench went everywhere, diary, smelling worse thasn spike did the day he first stepped inside the petal parlor.
"Whew! Girl! That is so rank!" Amberlocks exclaimed, plugging her nose with her hoof. "Where the hay you been, girl? crawlin around in a sewer?!?"
"Actually, that's exactly where I've been." The blue mare replied sheepishly, looking over all the black smudges and dark stains all over her coat. "It's kinda yucky and icky down there, and I was hoping you could help me get cleaned up?" She looked up at me pleadingly. "I kinda have a date with Anchors Away tonight, and I don't want to be smelling like a septic system."
Okay, diary? Ew.
I mean seriously, EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EEEEEEWWWWWWWWW!
I don't care what special talent she has, or what she likes doing. No mare should ever subject herself to that kind of filth! Her beautiful mane all covered in brown grime, her lovely coat all covered in- in- I know what that brown and black gunk in her mane and coat are! GROSS! GROSS! GROSS! GROSS! GROSS! GROSS!
With apologies to Sunny Daze, Sparkleworks, and our other Ponyville tomboys; but Mares should be neat, clean, pretty, and doing girly things! Not desecrating the beautiful manes the horsemaster gave us as fillies by crawling through a sewer! Like Rainbow Dash always says, let the stallions do the dirty work! I have no problem washing mud or dust or dirt from sports or gardening out of a mare's mane, but I know what that black sludge is, and NO GIRL SHOULD BE CRAWLING THROUGH THAT!
Setting about my work, I quickly push the dirty mare into the shop's seashell- shaped tub. Pouring in every type of shampoo, conditioner, bath soap, and cleaner I have, and I go to work scrubbing and cleaning and washing away all of the filth on this... plumber mare. As the water turns first brown, and then black, I can feel my skin wanting to jump out of my coat, and crawl away.
"Oh dear, that was quite a mess!" I say nauseatingly, trying not to throw up. "Let's see what else we can do with this mane of yours!"
Draining the tub of all the slime, I give the mare a second rinsing, and dry her mane with a hair dryer. Next is a trip over to the beautician’s chair, where I take a comb and brush to that matted jungle, and try to get out all the knots, tangles, and split ends.
"Ow! Hey!" Waterfire protested, as I yanked my comb through her tangled mane. "Watch where you're digging and pulling!"
"I'm trying! But it's such a mess!" I complain, throwing up my hooves in frustration. "I really wish you'd let me cut and work at this split end nightmare with some shears!"
"You know what this means, boss!" Amberlocks finally spoke up, having just finished cutting strawberry Reef's mane. "Time to bring in the heavy artillery!"
With a sigh, I nod my head, and motion for Waterfire to follow me over to the twist 'n style machine. Looking up at the machine nervously, she muttered;
"Are you sure about this thing?" She gulped, looking back at me pleadingly. "I don't exactly want to get thrown against the wall like Dashie was, you know."
"Oh, don't worry about it, the twist and Twirl has been fixed, and is running just fine!" Trotting over to the platform, I looked over to my assistant. "Amberlocks, flip the switch!"
The two tubes of the twist and twirl pulled my mane up into the innards, and began to twist and twirl my mane up into all sorts of colorful braids. But suddenly, the machine began to yank and pull on my mane harder than it should have, to the point it was almost lifting me up off the floor by the roots of my hair!
"Ahhhh! Amberlocks!" I shrieked, as the thing pulled and yanked on my hair. "Stop this crazy thing!"
"I'm trying!" She wailed, pulling at all the switches and buttons. "But it won't work!"
Once again, the machine goes crazy, and it whizzes and sputters, before suddenly sending me airborne.
"Aieeeeeee!" CRASH!
I am sent flying into the shelves where I keep all of my mane care products. All sorts of dyes, shampoos, conditioners, and even that magic shampoo I got from unicornia ooze all over me, mixing and sinking into my mane and coat.
"AIEEEEEE!" I wailed, picking myself up from the mess of broken bottles and spilled liquids, and staring down at my now-multicolored coat. "I look like a mess!"
Needless to say, I quickly excused myself, and left Amberlocks finish Waterfire's mane. As so, here I sit, having just thoroughly washed my own mane and coat, and now sitting in a bathrobe and writing this entry. I still don't blame Minty for that broken twist-n-twirl machine, and I just hope that weird mixture of lotions and ,magical hair products doesn't do anything funny to my mane or coat.
Whoah, I feel tired so suddenly... excuse me diary, but I think I need to go and lay down...